Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Its dark and grim today, and thats just my mind.

In my usual lazy mood for a Tuesday I got up late, didnt have time to walk the dogs, in fact just enough time to feed them, before leaving for my session with Peter the counsellor.
Starting the day with a headache is never a good way to start a day, but short on time I just had to get to the session. So on arrival I was in a slightly darkened state of mind from the off.

So we started the session and I got the impression it was going to be a little intense today, and within minutes I was proven to be right. Not intense in a bad way, but really starting to dig deeper emotionally and see if there is anything I had not discussed.
It was only a matter of time befor Sian came into the conversation, and immediatly on mentioning her I started to realise that she still creates this gaping hole in my life. 12 years ago I set myself the task of waiting until she was 16 before trying to contact her. Giving her time to grow up, have a normal childhood, and be old enough to understand things for herself, rather than depending on other peoples decisions and stories. That 12 years is almost over, she is fast approaching 16 years old, and that quite frankly sucks.

All of a sudden I realise I have missed my only daughters entire childhood. I have to be grateful that I was able to be there for her defining moments, her birth, first words, first steps, food and so many other development stages. But to have missed school, exams etc makes me feel somewhat hollow at times.

So now that I am for the first time starting to actually feel the emotion attached to that, I think its time to start dealing with it once and for all. So have suggested we discuss her and the situation at length next session, and will be using one of Peter's ideas to start the thinking process off. A box full of memories is what we shall call it. Something with some deep emotional items in there, for me to spend time with, explore how it makes me feel, and start to show and feel the emotion that it all invokes.

So starting to put the whole package together, we are left with a group of issues that really start to show and explain why harbouring it all can make me feel the way I do at times.
Mum being ill, and contemplating what happens when she goes
12 years missing my daughter
Complex childhood, growing up a little too fast
And being the emotional shoulder for so many others but rarely myself.

So as a whole days are brighter, I have more emotional energy, and am far more in control of my emotions. I still play my game of "guess the emotion". When a situation arises, I try and work out what im feeling and why. Then make a consious decision of how to progress with the said emotion. Deciding how my actions will help or hinder the situation.

Other than that, I dont have much more to say on the matter. I did mean to touch on a few other points, but will leave that for later. :)

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