I'm struggling here, and in the past few hours I have realised how much of an arsehole I seem to be turning into.
Drowning in worry about mum, run off my feet, drop dead tired, and stressed beyond belief. And that's before we even mention work or money. Let alone other up and coming dates.
My test in 2 weeks, Sian's last exam at the end of the month, the holiday I'm not going on also at the end of the month, trying to get back to speed at work, 3 visits a day at the hospice, worrying about money for bills, petrol and other debts, the list seems endless at this very moment in time.
And now to add to that, I am treating people like crap. Short tempered with mum, impatient at work, arguing with friends like Cadell on the phone about what seems like nothing, I really do feel like I'm losing the plot here. Do I go back to the doctors, do I try and fight through it, take a step back and ease up my load...or what? It makes no sense to me right now. The worst part is, the more I carry on, the less support that will hang around me to help me through this.
I'm not a hopeless wreck, or ready to be sections, or anything like that, but I'm going through hell, and just want people around me to understand that, before they write me off as an attention seeking weirdo.
I have a trip to Magaluf planned for the middle of next month, and my GOD I need it to come NOW! Freedom, isolation from it all, a pass to escape the pressures I'm under. But at the same time I want some important dates to pass successfully, and to plan, rather than falling apart like everything else feels like it is right now.
Time to hide beneath the sheets til it all blows over.
This morning I didn't get up, as it was easier not to face it til I had to! I need to snap out of that now.
Thanks for listening to my rant. Please don't give up on me.
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