Writing a poem and posting on Facebook last night, the words were very expressionate, so I thought I would re-post it here.
We sat beside your bedside,
Our hearts were crushed and sore;
We did our best to the end,
'Til we could do no more.
In tears we watched you sinking,
We watched you fade away;
And though our hearts were breaking,
We knew you could not stay.
You left behind some aching hearts,
That loved you most sincere
We never shall and never will
Forget you Nanny dear
Well done you :) I look forwards to helping you with your blog, I'm sure it will help.
As for the remainder of the family, I am unsure at this time about my nephew, but Paula tells me both older kids took the news well all things considered. I know he knows he can come to me if he needs to.
Then there is my aunt Joan. Always a pleasure seeing her, and talk is always easy too, so giving her the news came easy. I arrived in Wales late morning yesterday, and first spoke with Joan's carer's husband. It was clear from speaking to him that the news was expected shortly anyway, I think that was the case of a few of us actually. So crossing the road to see Joan was without stress. Chris (the carer) answered the door, and on going in the conversation was jovial. After a few minutes we settled, and I broke the news. There was a pause to let me finish, and then a heavy sigh, and expressions of condolence. To be honest that was about it. After I explained, how, when and why everything had happened, and we all paid our respects and reflected on how there was no more suffering and pain.
Since being there when she passed, until now I have not felt any grief or deep sadness, which isn't always a bad thing, but its rarely how I react. I wondered over the past few months how I would feel when the day came, but at the back of my mind I thought it would be something like this. It is confusing for some people, talking to me verbally and via text/BBM, the way I speak about it and am coping, but I just want to let those people know I'm fine, really.
Thank you to so many people for their offers of support, and kind words through these past couple of days. Offers of a place to stay, company, loan of a car, and so much more. You have all been wonderful, and it has amazed me and reminded me again what a wonderful bunch of people I am surrounded by. I am honestly humbled.
So what now. Well the death was certified at the home shortly after mum passed, and that certificate will be collected tomorrow. From there we must go to Lewisham Registry to register the death, and get the appropriate paperwork to be used at the chosen funeral directors, and other authorities. As well as banks, credit cards etc, to close all these accounts also. Then there is the return of medical equipment and sorting of possessions, arrangements and communication of arrangements for the day we say goodbye. I'm sure I have missed out some important things here but someone will steer us in the right direction.
The big test now is getting the arrangements made, and bigger still, paying for them. Being without income is a bit of a pain right now, but where there is a will there is a way. No one has savings, however I'm sure the costs can be covered by arrangement with the directors. Director of choice is Steven Mears in Sydenham. And mum will go to Honour Oak Crematorium. As of yet we font have times or dates, but whatever the case, notice will be given for others to attend. And of course we will have a get together drink or meal in mums honour some time soon.
The following two days should be pretty full on for us, but hopefully we can sort things without too much fuss. Support for the kids is paramount right now. I have messaged Sian's mum, but have heard nothing back yet. Frustrating, but at the same time I would not expect Sian to get involved at this stage. Memories are what count now.
Speaking of memories, its time to go through some pictures, and find someone with a high quality scanner to scan in some old pictures of mum, and mum with the kids over the past 16 years. I have attached to this entry a picture my niece posted on her Facebook account. In it is mum, Daryl (Katie) and her baby sister Teyla. Another is a picture of the eldest and youngest members of the Snasdell clan, mum holding newly born Piper. And of course the laughing smiling face of mum. This was taken around the time that we received news of the spread last December. God I love camera phones!
Going back to friends, I think some of the messages from old friends in the first 12 hours provoked the strongest emotional response from me, Bruno, Andy, Kim, Dawn, Jason and many more. To think most of these people have been around since CSOC the website we all once frequented. I'm bless to have met so many wonderful people.
I guess for now I should wrap this up, so will end with a couple of closing comments. My heart is with the remainder of my family now, from elders to the toddlers. I am here if I am needed. We will all get through this. We lost an amazing woman on Friday, but she will live on with us forever in our memories. We have so many stories and pictures to share, I'm sure we could get her hearing aid to whistle one last time just for effect. Love you and miss you mum. So glad I got to hold you one last time.
And moving on, my thoughts pass in faultless transition now to another family I hold very dear to me, and I am there for them at this time of worry and sadness. I hope from the bottom of my heart that the news is not as bad as it could be, and offer my shoulder and ear (two of my better body parts) to you at this time. You know where to find me.
Finally, thank you once again for the messages through all mediums, and your comments on here. No word spoken in respect or support has gone unread, and I apologise if I have not answered you directly.
Worry not for me, but care for one another. May your thoughts be with the remainder of my family at this time.
Much love x
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