Have you ever had that feeling you are not moving no matter how hard you try. Or one of those dreams where you are running as fast as you can, but dont seem to be able to break free from the things you are trying to escape. Well thats where I am right now, and how I feel about things.
The healthy eating plan has taken an abrupt U-turn, getting up in the mornings is a chore again, and I love my sleep all over again. Sounds a bit familiar doesnt it! Dont get me wrong im not down in the dumps or anything. OK so money is an issue for me, the monthly pay seems to go less and less distance, but then on the flip side of that, the unhealthy eating habits are a large contributor to my monthly expenditure.
I am hoping this is a cycle I can break fast, as I am more than a little anxious about where this road is taking me. Health is paramount to me these days, having had my fair share of issues in the past, I am keen to try and stay as healthy as possible now. In the past 6 months or so I have gained about 30lbs, and while its nothing too serious, I am uncomfortable in how I feel, aware of my appearance to others, and feeling less and less active. Maybe thats why I can run to get away from the situation eh.
Next month is an interesting month for me, a couple of big challenges lay ahead, as well as an opportunity to achieve a personal goal. Feb sees my first birthday without mum here, the date of her birthday (23rd) passing without her for the first time. Also the first time that the date for Sian's birthday (10th) has come around after I have spoken to her for the first time in 12 years. So all in all an interesting month. The shortest, yet most action packed month of the year for me. There is more too, things such as going to see Emeli Sande and Daley in concert at The Borderline in W1 on the 9th. Two amazing up and coming artists. Cant wait to see them both live.
So I guess thats something to work towards, maybe Feb being so important is a good reason to pick up the pace and get my shit together now huh. Thats what im hoping anyway. I may have started the wake up call sooner than expected. While talking to Tiffany last night, and discussing our preferences in music I mentioned Linkin Park. She also gave me some great pointers for artists too, so thanks for that hun. Anyway, as soon as I mentioned Linkin Park I immediatly rememebered the inspirational lyrics of the Minutes to Midnight album. in a flash I dug it out, and this morning on the train into work I listened to at least half the album.
Moving, is the only way I can describe the lyrics on this album, with so many tracks digging deep into the soul for meaning, and provoking some powerful thoughts and reactions, within me certainly. Helping me to find light in the darkness, and direction within the confusion that is my life right now.
This is all sounding very dramatic I know, but its really not as bad as it sounds, dont panic. The only way I can describe my situation right now is 'trying to regain my balance'. Imagine standing on a small square, and trying not to step outside it. As the wind blows you and the ground moves you sway to catch your balance, and stay planted. As you do you, your arms may flail, and you may rock back and forth. It is possible you will grab out to something to try and gain stability, but this may prove to be a wrong decision.... Well thats me right now, I have reached out and grabbed a couple of times now and only made matters worse for myself, and am now just flailing about a bit. I will catch my balance, but there will be a few scary moments along the way.
Actually, while I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself, it reminds me of something that happened this morning while on the train, listening to Linkin Park. A couple of stations into the journey an elderly guy joined the train. With a strong unwashed odour, and pretty untidy in dress, he walked along the carriage to find and seat, and chose the one next to me. Like any selfish person, my first thought was 'why next to me, you smell'. But then a second later I realised something.
Here was me sitting on a train, on my way to work, to earn what can only be described as a fair wage for the hours I work. I had just left my 3 bedroom house, and was dressed in new, clean, and fresh smelling clothes, and had just had a bath. All I could think about was poor me, I have bills to pay, I have debt, I want a holiday. Then my reminder and wake up call sat next to me. Like something from Bruce Almighty (I watched Evan Almighty last night actually), before I was able to drop into deep self pity, I was reminded of my true place in society.
I manage, somehow to pay the bills monthly, I have a few televisions, cable TV, high speed internet, more media devices than the average man needs, and have holidays every year. Yet here I daring to feel sorry for myself.
To be honest when I think about it, this time last year I was vowing to volunteer more, and help other people, and even recently I saw a poster asking for helpers and volunteers. Maybe this is what I need in my life. To stop being selfish, and to make an effort to help others. Then maybe I will see my own situation more clearly for what it really is. So thats a challenge I am setting myself here and now. GET INVOLVED! Watch this space.
In the meantime, back on the straight and narrow, and stop spending money on shit food, and eating crap 24/7. Cereal and foodpacks/shakes for me from here on in.
Right I will cut off here and stop moaning on, I am starting to bore myself, so god knows what im doing to anyone reading this. Pity me, pity me lol.
Seriously though, thank you for reading, seeing the views gives me the drive to get off my arse and do something about.