A long time ago when going through a tough break up with an amazing girl, I borrowed a laptop from a friend, retreated to another friends apartment in Puerto Banus, Spain, and opened my heart and mind to try and express and expel the emotions I was feeling straight from the heart. It started out being a plan to write a long letter, but soon started forming structure, and soon became the beginnings of a book, which then continued to grow. In a week I had written a number of chapters.
At that time, writing it all down then reading it back over helped me make sense of what had happened and more importantly, why. When trying to think rationally, emotions can cripple your ability to do so, and because of this, the writings would always become a point of reference for me in the future. I found so much of a release while writing, I soon started to do it more often and decided to be open with it too. After all when I first started the book and wrote the foreword, it had this paragraph in it..
As my life has unfolded I have had many experiences that have impacted heavily on me, greatest of all the loss of contact with my daughter Sian Snasdell. However, something about today feels so totally devastating I feel I should try and explain it, and try to understand it for myself as well as help others who may one day feel it too.
The intention was to open my mind up, make it public, and hope that one day I could offer my experiences and emotional roller-coaster as an aid to helping someone through a comparable situation.
As my blog has continued, I have time and time again been told how much a certain entry has helped someone through part of their life. Using a very raw style of writing, saying it exactly as it is, rather than trying to over complicate things with big words and complex explanations.
With the most recent entries returning to the matter of mental health specifically anxiety and depression, it has once again struck a chord with people who have been there, or are going through a tough time now. Trying to give help is far easier for me that accepting it. A complicated thought process, combined with a bizarre open yet locked down mind, willing to share certain aspects of my life, but unable to access other parts which hold the keys to my deep seated issues. Only the right person can help me access those.
Realising I have something, no matter how little and isolated, to offer others, spurs me on to keep writing and trying to help others, while trying desperately to help myself too. So I have decided to try and get my mind back into the right place to complete my book, and maybe start another. I call it a book, it would never go into print, but I will as some point publish it online. The aim to finishing this one is to hopefully start another, this time about my journey with mental health issues. And how I have coped, felt and acted over the years. It's impacts on my life, and how I manage to get by these days.
The original book I wrote was simply about how I cope with my feelings of love, lust, and the passion that drove me to fight for the relationships I have been in. Highs and lows, sacrifices and gains. Obviously after the last decade since I wrote any of it a lot has changed, so there is a whole new section to be written about what was a very different relationship to the last one. And where I have been since then and will go next.
Anyone who has read it will tell you it is VERY open and revealing, maybe too much so for some peoples comfort. Not pornographic but a little explicit in places and just very honest about how each emotion was triggered by the different experiences.
It has in fact caused "changes" in three peoples relationships after reading it. Or should I say, given them the clarity to see where they were in their lives and decide if they wanted to carry on.
I enjoy writing when my head is clear enough to relax and dig deep. So it has obviously been quite tough recently, but now as I am starting to see situations I have been through recently more clearly than for a while, it feels natural and flowing to just type. I have to say I still miss my BlackBerry for doing things like this, as I sit on a tube train to Heathrow now, typing away on my Nexus 6P's huge touchscreen, I remember being able to sit looking up, writing long sentences by feel alone, with confidence. But hey, I just look engrossed in my mobile phone on the train, so fit right in.
So my plan for my writing is to keep blogging, get writing some draft chapters for the book, and hopefully complete it in a few weeks or so. The I can move onto the more serious task of my journey through depression. Not sure how it will go yet, but I can only try right. If a chapter helps one person in 10 years time, my job is done. I know writing it and reading it back over will be payment enough for me.
I shall of course take influences from others, and use conversations with those people as a base for some of the deeper examinations of situations. No names, but will let people know where there influences were.
As was pointed out to me the other day too, my tattoos also play a huge part in my depression, most of them tell a story or mark a low point in my life. They are not to make me feel bad, they are to celebrate the passing of someone I love, or a moment in time I wish I could have held on to for much longer. So I'm sure there will be a huge, boring for some, section on that, as I know others have done the same as me.
So that's that, my train journey is coming to an end here, so this little writing thing draws to a close. But I will be sure to keep anyone who wants to know what is going on, informed of the progress, and who knows, maybe sneak peeks of the current works and the new one.
Watch this space....