So since I last wrote a lot has changed. The biggest bombshell being mum going back into hospital. She had let herself get in a terrible state, and finally we had to make a decision for her.
A day or so after going in, I was summonsed to the hospital by one of her doctors for a sit down chat. The cancer has now spread to her lungs and brain, so time is suddenly much shorter for her.
She was in for about 2 weeks, and in that time I was also having a massive amount of refurbishment done in the house, so life was hellish to say the least.
During this time, the NHS, and St Christophers Hospice did an amazing amount of work, putting in place loads of equipment for her including a motorised hospital bed, motorised rising chair etc. Meanwhile we laid laminate flooring throughout the hallways to make walking easier.
So mum is home now, slowly adapting to a new way of life. Less balance and reduced mobility. We now have a carer come in twice a day to help mum wash and dress, the bits I can't really help with. I would like to say its made things easier, but that's not really the case. Tempers are short in this house these days.
Yesterday brought it all to a head for me, with mum getting angry about her medication and how I was getting it wrong. After trying to explain what was what a couple of times, she started shouting she would sort it for herself. Sadly she doesn't know what day it is, let alone what drugs she should be taking. She swore blind that the hospital had told her to stop taking 2 of them... Which they had not.
So I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'm in a pretty cold and dark place right now. I am off sick from work with stress and depression, on some mild medication to try and level me out, and struggling a little with day to day life at the moment.
I need some structure back, a routine, something to keep me occupied and my mind away from stressing 24-7. So I'm trying that from today. Hoping to get the regular dog walks in, and reach out to a couple of long forgotten things to keep me ticking over.
Meanwhile, the pity is not with me, its with mum, and for her suffering through this all. I know she just wants to throw in the towel some days, but other days she is happy as anything. When her health slips she tries to avoid doctors, but each time they eventually fix her up again. So we just have to stay on top of all of that. And keep her in the best possible health.
Love ya mum :)
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