For years now I have been perceived in many different ways, from warm and caring, to cold and callous. I see myself somewhere in the middle, while I care about things that are important to me, I am somehow able to override or switch off from other emotions.
It seems the closer something or someone is to me, the more I am able to ignore or at least mask my feelings about it.
Over the years friends and family have become ill or died suddenly, yet I recall only ever crying once. When Adam died. The first person I had ever spent a lot of time with, dying. It was a bit of a shock to the system, but passed quickly. Previously to that my aunt had passed after a short illness, and while I was openly saddened by it, I somehow felt peace from knowing she wasn't hurting anymore.
But as the years have gone by, I recall crying very little, even about some rather traumatic times I have experienced. Is it normal not to cry, is it strong or weak to cry? Everyone has a different answer.
Personally I have no shame or fear of the emotion, and from past recollections, I remember feeling relieved and exhausted by the experience, but at the same time satisfied. So not being able to have a release when going through a tough time can really suck at times.
I have noticed over the past few years that I get choked up quite easily now, emotional stories, tear jerking films, or even moments which get the heart racing and adrenaline pumping around the body, the throat tightens, the eyes water, but it's far from crying.
Over a space of 4-5 years I have lost a lot of people very close and dear to me. When family you have known your whole life slowly slip away from you, you expect the mind and body to need a release, turn a page, start fresh, cleanse the soul and all that. But for some reason, for me, nothing! All just matter of fact, all just par for the course.
So great has my concern grown at times about this, I have actually sought counselling in the past, to talk through my feelings and see if there is either a trigger I'm missing, or a blockage in my mind stopping me letting go. Something from my past which makes me fear crying, but there isn't.
My only thought on the matter is that I have had a bit of a tough life in younger years, learned to be a bit of a loner due to things which have happened, and somehow shut down the part that shows weakness and sorrow. I can express it verbally, I can rationalise death so clearly, but just can't rally up the physical emotion.
It's a strange feeling, a horrible feeling, emotional constipation to be blunt. While I know there are people who think they are weak or silly to cry, people who mock crying, I can only envy those people who can actually tap in, and let go.
I have never grieved, rarely expressed emotion over any kind of break ups or partings of friends, and look on helplessly as others around me express their emotion on a common subject.
This isn't a strength, I know that for sure. And while it makes me a strong character, someone who can be relied on at a time of distress or upset, it is a weakness in the same breath. As you look to me to help you cope, as I hold you your hand and tell you it will be ok and to let it all out. Deep inside I envy you and wish we could swap for just one minute, and you could help me dig deep within my soul and open it up.
Not sure where this blog has come from, guess it's like the lava of a volcano bubbling away under the surface. It may never erupt, it may never be seen, but somewhere in the depths of me it a boiling pot of emotions.....
Thanks for reading.