We all try and do the right thing most of the time, right? Maybe our timing is a bit off, or the moment has passed before we manage to get around to it, but in the end, when all is said and done, we try and ensure we know right from wrong, and do the right thing.
So when your timing is off, along with doing what needs to be done, there is a certain element of apology needed to. Which becomes even more awkward when you are actually trying to apologise for something in the past. Now you are apologising that your apology is overdue, and then trying to make the apology seem sincere too. Tough gig.
Unfortunately, even the best intentions can sometimes get you kicked in the balls, and served with a side of "fuck off" too. Or so it seems.
Looking back at things you have done in life, realising in retrospect that it wasn't the right thing to do, or a particularly nice thing to do, you can feel obliged to apologise. Just like in the movies where people go around knocking on the doors of people they went to high school with, and apologising for being a douche, sometimes in life you feel compelled to do the same. Or I do anyway.
I have a strong ethic of not regretting things, to the point where I had it tattooed on me. How ironic would it be to regret that! But apologising when I have done something wrong. That is something I have got better at as I have aged. Realising that sometimes just a few words uttered can have a profound effect on someone. I can't name moments in life, but I know I have been on the receiving end of a few myself. Maybe that's what started me off, who knows. A conscience, me.... Goodness gracious!
As good as it as I have got, and no matter how carefully you choose your words, sometimes, recognition and apologies for what has happened will never be enough. Regardless of the reasoning or intentions buried deep within the apology, there are occasions where it is a pointless task, a waste of breath. And in some cases actually detrimental to the whole situation.
When all seems like it is going so well, when you feel like you are doing the right thing, sometimes just around the corner there is something waiting to trip you up, or just plain throw your apology right back in your face. Shooting you down, questioning your intentions, and goals.
Well, sometimes an apology is just that, a sincere expression of your feelings towards a situation you played a part in, and one which you realise had an outcome you had not considered.
Sometimes questioning it, or trying to dig through it and make sense of it, dissect every sentence, just makes the whole act of apologising flawed.
In other words, there are some times in life where you just have to STFU and get on with things. Trying to make amends for your own purposes might not suit the others involved, and if that is the case, you are in for a rough ride.
As I have just learned. Not sure if you still read the blog, but if you do, then I guess we both know where we stand now. You upright and strong, and me sitting in a muddy field, in the rain, covered in shit.
That said, that's is not meant to make anyone feel bad, it is what it is, after all. And I played my part in the situation. Not sure I was expecting the grilling I got, not convinced there was not more to be said, rather than making vague comments, and asking questions about things which were originally not even on the table. Guess that's how conversations work.
So, I won't cry on about it, I won't try and come across as the victim, I am after all a grown assed man who got himself into a situation I was unsure of, with a foggy head, and without enough respect to consider the feelings of the other parties. I made my bed, and I shall lay in it. I am glad I have had the opportunity to say my peace on the matter, before the cracks started to appear.
I come away educated, and with more respect for others.
Good people come and go in your life, and sometimes, rather than dwelling on things, it's better to let go with both hands and let what will be, be.
So the moral of the story is... Don't be a douche in the first place, then you won't ever get into a situation where you need to apologise far too late in the day, and make a total cluster fuck of what should have been a simple conversation.