I am the key to my recovery.

Since November it is fair to say I have had many moments and moods. Some which I would rather never experience again,  and others I wish I could hold onto and live over and over again.

From hope to utter hell,  my mind and the life around me have treated me to all kinds of delights and nightmares.

Finding what I think is stable ground,  only for it to all fall away from beneath me,  dropping me to the depth of depression I have never experienced before. Being forced to reach out in desperation to people to help me keep my head above water,  as recently as last week!

Each time I rise again from a drop in mood,  as I feel the strength building again to stand up against these  feelings and fight back,  my mind fools me,  pretending that something is the linchpin in the moment,  and that without it I will fall apart again.

The truth is,  the linchpin is in fact me. Of course I cease up at times,  and need friends to get me moving again.  But once I am able to,  I find myself standing strong and fighting hard to stay afloat for longer each time.

Leading myself into a false sense of hope based around something or someone I find and believe to be hugely beneficial to me and my recovery is in fact detrimental to my recovery. Almost like an addict fighting a habit of drugs and believing that alcohol is helping. It is an easy path to slip into.

One which makes me comfortable,  happy and distracts me from the things in life I am trying to avoid or be able to work with again. Instead there is an alternate reality which tempts me away from  the path of recovery,  and on to a path of temptation and fantasy.

Each time this happens,  the longer the self deceit lasts,  the further from the path I stray,  and the harder it becomes to get back on track.

Realising this is huge,  and a great help we of sound mind.  As is knowing the signs of a dip on mood,  or what your triggers for a mood swing are. However,  like over eating for example. Knowing it is bad for you is good,  knowing what you should be doing is good....  Actually sticking to it,  following what you know to be good for you is very hard at times. Especially when it's brain vs brain.

As the mind gets going,  the devil of depression on your shoulder is so good at convincing you that you should turn to an alternative,  believe in something false,  and throw yourself at it 100%. Sadly the other voice,  the one of reason and practicality is muted and has no say until it is all too late.

Opening your eyes,  waking from the fantasy which has fast become a nightmare,  the failure,  self loathing,  hatred and anger all comes rushing back. How stupid are you,  this is the 3rd time we have done this,  when will you learn,  why do you keep doing this to us. The voice of logic is once again present,  but instead of soothing and guiding you to recovery,  it bombards you with negativity. Trying to drum it into your thick head... STOP DOING THIS!

As many will tell you,  it's not the only voice to say things like this. People around you will do the same. Get over it,  just don't do it,  cheer up,  it will be ok. All words of amazing wisdom,  but which also display a complete lack of understanding. A friend recently very refreshingly said that he wouldn't offer any words of hope or wisdom as he knew they would not help.  And that is all others have to do. Nothing is better than  something daft,  believe me.

So with all this in mind, and my recent blog of Single Forever still being fresh. It seems solo is the way ahead in my life for a number of things and reasons. Not a bad or a sad thing. In fact being in control of my company is a good thing. Right now I have huge lows,  and an blessed with people I can turn to for either trivial distraction conversation,  or can just open up to.  Sounding things out to them has helped me see clearly at times,  and has led me to conclusions like this one. That recovery is my responsibility, and others around me have little impact on it.  So there is no point in trying to flog a dead horse.

I'm not closing down or shutting people out,  just taking the helm and steering this ship the way it needs to go. My posting on Facebook is generally pictures (inc Strava) or blog links like this one. And as a whole it is a happy way to be.  I try not to engage with people now,  have a lot of feeds turned off these days, and limited friends.

Yesterday I had a very clear realisation that the recovery here is not going to be quick or simple.  There are no shortcuts, no escape routes,  I just have to weather the storm,  and come out of it alone. My doctor warned me at the beginning of this episode that the second is usually worse and longer. Harder to treat, but a determined mind is able to rise up. Finally after 3 months of trying to prove her wrong, trying to fight the truth, I have accepted that I'm pretty much stuck for now.

I can write with ease when  my mind is clear. I can engage people in very small numbers (2 is a crowd!) I can have perfectly normal times during the day. Find pride and accomplishment in things I do, like running  and cycling for example. But I am also able to turn on myself in a flash,  tear down towers of achievement in seconds,  and turn into my own worst critic and enemy.  Worst part being,  it is all done with no explanation or warning. Hence my phrase "mood bombs"

My fight is to control these lows and moments of self loathing,  find peace in relaxation,  rather than  fearing silence. And to find some self respect which I can  hold on to on the journey back from the depths of depression.

I have seen lots of stories recently about men dealing with depression,  and how it is a hidden killer. Campaigns and appeals for men to rise up and seek the help they need. But at the same time I have also seen the help system from the inside, and still struggle to comprehend how the assessment process really works. Rejecting requests for counselling which I know works for me, and instead placing me on a group CBT course which I find detrimental to my state of mind.

I am seeing my other GP again thankfully,  another one who I trust and saw me through my last bout of depression years ago. It will be interesting to hear his take on the matter,  and see what he advises.

Thank you for reading this far.

#FightBack

A hashtag I have been using a lot in recently, trying to feed my motivation to get back to the healthier way of life.
I just want to start by saying that healthy living doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing. For years I have maintained a pretty healthy lifestyle, but still had a rather large intake of crap food from time to time. My addiction to soft drinks doesn't bode well either, but hey! This is my way, so sod off.

Having spent lots of time in and out of hospitals over recent years, one thing I can say quite confidently is I have pretty healthy insides. Many a comment made about a healthy heart after ECG's and blood tests. Good cholesterol and no sign of diabetes either. Eyes are good, lungs are better than they have been for years. And after a short spell of stress and weight gain, blood pressure is pretty fine and dandy too.

In all the ups and downs, with weight gains and losses over the years, sometimes swaying about 80-90lbs, I have always tried to stay active. I guess that is one of the reasons my legs have stayed pretty good over the years, definition wise anyway. Mechanically they are a bit buggered right now, but you can't have it all, right? Currently I am a little over where I want to be. I am sure I have done the guessing game before on here. Generally some are surprised to hear the number when they hear my weight. Others are hardly surprised and mock, to them I say F you!! lol

Times have been a little stressful over recent months, for some pretty obvious reasons, and a few others which I have kept to myself for the ease of every day life. Nothing life changing, just stress invoking. So after much reflection, soul searching and deep thinking (also known as over thinking to the point of self destruction), I decided that what I needed more than anything else right now was a little stability and structure. And for that I needed to plan each and every day out, to make it full and worthwhile, while allowing time for the more mundane things too like.... eeew! WORK!

To compliment my current physio routine, working on my achillies (recent post) I have decided to increase the activity, but lighten the load. Still walking the dogs, but only twice each a day now, the third walk was always their walk together, which obviously I can't do anymore. The up side to this is that I can take a little of the stress out of my feet, and save some time and energy, focusing it elsewhere instead.

My morning routine is now quite a busy one, and almost doesn't allow time for any changes. Up just after 6, get ready to take the dogs out, and go, finishing around half 7. Get in and changed, into the little home gym,
7.45. While the legs are still warm from the walking, headphones in, ASOT turned on and up, resistance turned right up, and start with the best part of an hour of cross trainer time. This is a change for me as usually the pace was much faster and the resistance fair. Now to take even more out of it, and feel much more in my quads, calfs and hams, the resistance up and speed low really hits them hard. Almost feels like a stair climber.
8.45, time for a quick sip, and a change of shirt, and its onto the weights. Hitting a few core groups, and of course the core itself.
9.15 and its time to take those aching tired muscles and put them through hell, namely the legs. It's physio routine time. With 6 movements all requiring numerous reps and sets, not to mention having to do them in different areas of the house, I allow myself 30 mins to get these done. So now we are rocking on in the day.
9.45 Finally all done. Quick change of clothes, feed the dogs, oh and its time for me to get some food and fluids in me too. Training on empty has always been my preference, and as long as I keep within my limits, it reduces my chances of nausea.
10am, dogs finished eating, time for me to actually sit down for a few mins, stuff my face with granola and orange juice, and unwind.

30 mins later, and I am preparing food, smoothies etc for taking to work.

Right now, with no other distractions in my life, and quite frankly feck all else to be doing, this is a routine I am happy with, can feel is paying off, and is within my comfort zone to maintain. Hopefully I can avoid an of the usual dramas or injuries which are normally the cause to calling it a day, quitting and piling on the pounds again.

As far as numbers go, I am filling my day with them, but very little focus on such a thing as a target weight etc. I know my happy place, I know how I feel when I am around that range. Same with my cardio, knowing what ballpark my heart rate is in has become second nature to me, The numbers I am watching are reps, movements, time, resistance etc, as can be seen here.

As seen here.... https://www.instagram.com/p/-Q3zVqu86d

Another thing about my slight change to training is a bit strange.
With doing the cardio on the cross trainer, obviously I am holding on to something, so if I close my eyes there is no real danger of falling off. For some reason, even though I have a lovely TV screen right in front of the trainer, I have recently taken to zoning out, eyes closed, and visualising things. Anything that I need to visualise to either provide motivation, or to push me through the barriers as the legs start to fatigue. While doing this I have noticed something quite strange, and that is how controlled my breathing has become. Something I have struggled with for as long as I have done any cardio work. Obviously this is rather handy for scuba diving. So both healthy heart and breathing is great news.

Over all I'm feeling good, and would love to maintain the current routine, 6 days a week, into early next year. Making small changes here and there to keep it fresh. But main goals are simple.

Maintain physio routine, and eliminate achillies pain
Increase cardio load and keep challenging the heart and lungs.
Keep other muscle groups active, but avoid growth. Concentrate on strength and a little definition (vanity rocks!)
And of course, #FightBack !