Back down the rabbit hole

I guess the time of year doesn't help much with things, and a lot of people are heading in the same direction right now. Back down the rabbit hole in preparation for the short days, more time spent in darkness, and the gloominess of winter. Not to mention the stresses and strains associated with the "festive season".

So at least if nothing else, I don't feel surprised or alone as I pace in circles at the entrance to the rabbit hole.

Lots going on in life as usual for me, some putting a little extra strain on my mind, other self inflicted things weighing heavily on me both physically and mentally. At the start of the year, setting myself a realistic distance goal on the bike was a good idea. However as the year has progressed, the self imposed stresses have started to show through. Passing my preset goal much earlier than expected led me to aim higher, and higher... To the point where although officially I have passed my goals massively, I am still coaxing myself to push harder. Physically it's taken its toll, mentally I am starting to beat myself up a bit to achieve every mini-goal I have set since then.

Mid way through the year I had the energy and get up and go to do some running too, but soon realised I was spreading myself a bit thin. That said, I had avoided injury up until this point, so it made sense to back off from the running, and focus on wellness and the initial goals. Now later in the year, I am missing running, but lacking the energy to run too. So I am really looking forward to the new year, and new beginnings. Less riding, more running, more stretching, and more about looking after myself, rather than beating the hell out of myself day in day out.

Physical battering aside, my mind is starting to feel the strain of day to day life. Getting up later, having less energy or inclination to do anything other than what is officially on my agenda. Things that need doing can wait, non urgent things can just be forgotten about. Even getting out of bed for trainer rides in the morning is becoming a bit of a chore. Sleep is shocking, with about 45 mins a night of deep sleep. Only the first hour of sleep I get nightly seems to be worth it. Once I have woken at 1-2am, I may as well get up, as it is all downhill from there on.

Nothing is on my mind really. Life is busy, has it's challenges, and a few boulders have been thrown in the road recently, but in general, life is good. A far cry to years gone by where I would have struggled to tell you anything positive about my life. But still I find myself loitering at the entrance to the damn rabbit hole.

Focus is needed, a reboot too, and hopefully that is what the time off over Xmas, the trip to Wales, and the start of a new year will give me. Time and space to hit the reset, recharge a little, and get to grips with what I need to do to get the right results for myself for 2019.

A few ideas, some new goals, a new project or two. All sounds good, now I just need to put pen to paper, draw up the proper plans.

One of the key things for me is physical well-being. I know my body has taken a bit of a beating this year, so next year will be different. More running, or should that just be running, given how little I have done this year. A focus on stretching, recovery, and maintenance is also on the cards, with a return to yoga, and getting muscles like my Psoas recovered and back to full flexibility. Pain pain go away!
On top of that, I want to get back to a daily morning routine, be it floor, gym, HIIT or bike trainer. I remember back to the days of my first round of P90X, and remember feeling supercharged every day. Starting out with some physical activity is really a great way to get the body and mind into the right place. And I think that is the balance I am looking for here.

Physical activity equates to a stronger mind. Be it the endorphins released from the buzz of the training, to the positive feelings and state of mind from being active, and feeling good about yourself. For me it works a treat, so as we progress back towards Spring 2019, I want to arrive fresh, and fully charged in both mind and body.

Until then I just need to make sure I check in with myself regularly, and stay on the level. I know I am vulnerable, but I also know I can stay in control, and do what is needed to stay out of that rabbit hole this year.

I know there are others out there circling too, and would urge them to stay positive, keep active, don't lock those feelings away, and make sure you speak to someone (or the internet like me). Bringing all the thoughts to forefront of your mind, and processing them openly is a great way to rationalise what you are feeling, and breaking the cycle of doom and gloom which shows its face so quickly at times like this.

Take care all :)

We are go for throttle back!

Been a heck of a year so far. Set myself some cycling goals late last year. Distances, achievements, frequency. With hindsight, probably a little over ambitious if I do say so myself. But all the same, I was determined to give it a go.

I have learned a lot about cycling, commuting, and myself since then, so thought I would take a look back and reflect at what I thought was possible, compared to what turned out to be reality.

In late 2017 I said the following were my goals for 2018

 4,500 is the goal I'm looking at I think. Maingoals are improving my climbing, getting out more, and smooth endurance rides.
Elevation would be nice to get 150 next year especially with chasing the 100 Climbs list.
All in all, my main goal is to be consistent in all I do.
On and positives from this year. I can achieve great things if I commit fully.

I know I have made other comments, suggesting I wanted a Fondo a month, every month. Four 100 mile rides in the year (having never done any before), as many Sportives as I could fit in to name a few.

So how have I done?
Well for starters, it is worth pointing out that it is early Oct at the moment, so still two and a half months left in the year. That is actually the whole point of this post.
From the offset, little did I know, I was slightly over reaching what reality would allow for. Getting lots of climbs done was a lovely goal, and I started out with good intentions, however the year was just not that great for allowing many to happen. A little disappointing, but something that can be revisited at any time with some careful ride planning. Not to mention my physical condition at the start of the year was somewhat short of what was needed to really tackle some of the hills, as I soon found out.

Four centuries, well, that could still happen, if I really put my mind to it. However, I am not entirely sure I want to. Well I WANT to, but the sensible part of me says one more at the most. Given the weather, ride buddy availability, and the levels of enthusiasm left. I want to enjoy as much of each ride as I can, not do it for the sake of proving something. I have done too much of that already. So currently I have two under my belt, and one more possibly on the cusp. Three out of four will do me fine, two out of four, I will survive with that.

Frequency. Well in the early part of the year, 49 days straight with no rest days. Commuting and just getting out there, that in itself was an achievement, albeit a bit of a silly one. But hey, no pain, no gain eh! I have managed to commute most days of the year so far, even in the coldest parts of Jan and Feb, I was still managing to get the miles in, and that has continued. I have had two noticeable breaks from riding, one health induced, the other I chose as I just wanted some time off the bikes. Other than that, my mileage has been pretty regular throughout the year.

Speaking of mileage, my goal was a mildly ambitious 4,250 for the year. Given my total for 2017 was in the low to mid 3,000, I thought 4,250 was a nice step up. However, I seem to have achieved that in a much shorter time than I expected. I have not extended my goal though, as it seems that I would just be pushing myself a bit too much, and for no reason. I set a good goal, and achieved it, anything after is a bonus, not a stretch goal. Currently around the 5,500 mile mark, there are a couple of numbers I have in the back of my mind to reach, but I am not going to commit to them in any way.

Mini goals have been my motivation, my drive, and also my worst enemy so far this year. Statistical numbers, creating targets to reach. Longest ride, longest distance in a month and a week, beating where I was a year before, power, elevation. Wherever I look, there is a mini goal waving at me, trying to tempt me to push harder and harder. And that is where the throttle comes into it...

It's time to throttle back a bit. Ease up on the pressure on myself to achieve, stop trying to prove anything to myself or anyone else. In the midst of all this riding, I have also returned to running, getting 10k fit. It was around that point I started to realise that I was maybe pushing a little too hard. 10k run before work, then commuting to and from work via the longest route practical (10-11 mile rather than 4.2 miles which is the shortest route) 100-180 mile weeks, plus the running. It was only a matter of time before I injured myself. Which.................didn't happen!! Amazing I know (will probably sprain my wrist writing the rest of this blog!)

After 282 days of pushing myself, I have finally decided, the last 83 days of the year will be "no pressure". That is not to say I won't be giving it my best, it just means I won't be pushing close to self destruction. My aim, is to stop setting more and more mini goals. Keep the ones I have in mind right there, and allow myself a little freedom, away from the pressure of must ride, must ride. That said, I have a sportive this weekend coming lol! But that is just for kicks, no pressure, back to enjoying the riding, and reaping the rewards.

From here on in, I want to get a mix of riding and running in over a regular period. Rest where needed, enjoy a day off here and there, and let my body recover a bit. It has seen big changes over this past 10 months. If it was not for the tattoos I would not recognise my legs anymore.
Next year, I want to start fresh, no mileage goals, no targets for riding, other than enjoy myself, and continue being a regular commuter. I want to turn my attention to the other 2/3rds of my body mass, and give that a bit of love too. With a fresh and healthy ethos in mind. Consistency over effort levels, all over rather than just legs, and for me, not for my ego and others.

Floor and core work is key, yoga will return, and getting a little trimmer, while still enjoying life is the key. Weight, just a number, only relevant when calculating my watts per kg on the bike. Well being is the primary goal, feeling good is what I want.

Physically over the past year I have proven I can achieve things I want badly enough. Overcome pain and discomfort to reach the peak. If ever there was a time I proved to myself I am in control of my mind as well as my body, it has been this year. Sometimes to the detriment of my body, that has to stop.

So to everyone who is achieving all their goals, keep at it, I know I am! But look after yourself too. It is nice to keep the ego happy, but better to keep the body and mind happy too. Find the balance :)

Oh before I go, I have to say.... Mentally and physically, I have had my best year for wellbeing in years! The physical activity will have a lot to do with all of that, so I am keen to maintain that. Other than one mid year little hiccup, this has been an amazing year without a doubt, so thank you to everyone who has been a part of it.