Faceless

Strange title, but hopefully it will make sense on a number of levels at some time soon.
First off, I just wanted to throw these out there....

A wise man once said....

Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own

Everybody has a private world where they can be alone

Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through?

Are you reaching out for me, like I'm reaching out for you?

I'm just so fuckin' depressed, I just can't seem to get out this slump

If I could just get over this hump

But I need something to pull me out this dump,

I took my bruises, took my lumps

Fell down and I got right back up

But I need that spark to get psyched back up

In order for me to pick the mic back up

I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in

I'm starting to feel distant again

So I decided just to pick this pen

Up and try to make an attempt to vent

OK, so that was actually from Eminem's "Beautiful" track. But I have to say, it really strikes a chord with me right now, and in fact, probably for quite a few periods in my life. Hell it's one of the reasons this blog even exists. Except instead of being an award winning musical talent, I am a lone blogger who does the same thing, but in a different way.

So, Faceless, why so. Well many years ago on a popular radio station in London, there was a show called "Faceless". I say a show, more a segment in the breakfast show on Kiss 100. The segment was a computerised voice reading a daily diary entry of a man. Someone from the true walks of life, dealing with the trials and tribulations of day to day life for the average Joe out there. Listening in daily you grew addicted to hearing what had happened to this complete stranger. Starting to understand what drove him, and how his mind worked. In fact hearing how powerful a diary entry could be is what first started me writing. Letting all those thoughts that were over-spilling out. Of course back then the internet was in its infancy, and blogs were none existent.

I mention this, as in a strange way, my blog is another version of the show. With people who don't really know me looking in for a glimpse of what is going on in my life. Maybe inadvertently, who knows. But the moment you start to read one of my more personal entries, that is what is happening. Before you wince and think that is a criticism, fear not, it's not. I am actually grateful that I attract any interest in a rather boring and mundane life, so thank you. I know my entries are embellished a little with humour (well I try anyway).

When I say "people who don't really know me" I mean it with the greatest of respect. I don't believe that people I interact with are not interested in me, and do not wish to get to know the real me. However there lays the problem, and the second link to the "Faceless" title.. Me !

Having lived as an almost alter ego for a few years, making connections with most of the people who have gone on to be some of my most frequent acquaintances, and of course a few friends along the way too, sometimes it is hard to distinguish which part of me is real, and which is fake.
Like a persistent liar struggles with the blurred line between the truth and the lie, I too struggle. With a very strange conflict indeed. One of who I am, who I became, and who the hell I was before all this started.

In 1995 I was in my early 20's and a new father. By my mid 20's I was separated, in a new relationship and changing jobs. By the eve of the new millennium I starting to become someone else. The internet was blowing up and become an alternate reality for many, groups were forming and popularity battles were beginning. By 2002, coming on for 30 I was this who new person. Oddly enough though, in future years I would come to question who that person even was.

Following the success of a website and internet forum for the car community, on a very very small scale I had gained popularity. People knew the name "Snazy" an obvious nickname which has followed me through life. (surname Snasdell, nickname Snazy...... you follow?), With popularity comes interest, and with interest comes social circles. In reality that is where the transition really began, with the introduction to rafts of new people, I suddenly had a chance to reinvent myself. Something that happened perfectly naturally, and without me even realising. Before long I was this Snazy guy, and had a certain persona to live up to. So each time I would go out, the game face would go on, and I would be this chubby, wannabe funny guy, who from time to time made an impression.

As the years rolled on, and people started to grow up a little, I got into a relationship, and people moved off to start families, careers and all that other stuff that grown ups do. Little by little the group disbanded, and a core of friends and mates remained. A group I am grateful to to this day. During this time I started to go in reverse, and ease away from this once internet persona, and return to regular old Michael, but there was a problem. Somewhere in all the excitement the master copy, the template had been lost, and so had my identity. Now becoming Michael again seemed a little harder than expected, so parts of Snazy remained.

Years later, as I cling for dear life to the last strands of that previous life, I bring into question my whole existence now. Not in a morbid way, but more a moral way. Who the bloody hell am I these days.

I was chatting to Sarah today, and as I was sitting sipping my coffee, my mind just wandered off. Not bored by the company, but challenged by the topic of conversation. Just the simple little things, like what I want from a friendship and a relationship. If you were asked that question right now, with a blank canvas, could you honestly answer it? Not what do you have, but what do you WANT!
Almost as perplexed as the day the careers adviser came into school, I was lost. Such a seemingly simple question, but without understanding me and my own needs in life, how the hell was I meant to answer that one. The meltdown began!

For the rest of the day I have been thrashing my tiny mind, playing the Eminem song over and over and over. Triggering lots of thoughts, memories, and emotions deep within.  For someone who has experienced quite a lot of emotions from both ends of the scale, to feel so empty and responseless is a very surreal feeling indeed. For someone with so much to say both verbally and in writing, I was honestly lost for words.

In all the bravado of life, keen to keep people close, eager to please, and living up to a reputation which seems to have followed me into my 40's, I have truly lost sight of the goal. I have no idea how to answer the question.

As a desperate response, all I could offer up were words of wisdom, or tried and failed anyway. Expressing that I think we all need to find the missing piece in our lives, the one thing that we as an individual lack, but someone else brings to us, as a gift, as a bond. Connecting you in a way that only the two of you can understand. It's mushy I know, but I was desperate. That said, there is some truth to it. Problem is, you can't put your finger on what "IT" is until it's there, and then it is so seamless, you struggle to find what exactly it is that makes the situation feel so right.
OK, ramble over.

Back to the problem. I struggle on a day to day basis to even make sense of what I am doing for the next 16-18 waking hours, let alone understand the complexities of my fragile and weird little brain. That said, I know I need to make contact with it somehow, and extract from it what exactly it is trying to tell me with all these strange thoughts, wild actions, and changes in mood.

Over the coming week I have some time off, so am firstly going to try and get on writing and maybe even finishing my book, and maybe do a little soul searching. So I apologise in advance for any strange blog entries. You don't have to read them, they are just there to throw the thoughts out of my head so they are there before me to make sense of. If you want to read them and get even more confused about me, feel free.

Finally before I sign off, there is one more thing. Who do YOU think I am? To many people I appear to be very different, hard headed, soft hearted, confident, confused, each of you see a rather different person. We all do that to some degree, but what almost alarms me is how peoples perceptions of me change so wildly as a different side of me is exposed. In an ideal world I would love to be the same open, honest and caring person to everyone. But the truth be known, some would exploit that, to those people I remain strong and manipulative. Some take advantage over the caring side, and overload the mind with all their worries, with no concern for my own. A very one sided, sounding board situation. So for that reason I remain complex.

Unfortunately, more for me than others, keeping up this charade takes its toll. Not just on me, but on others too. Failing to be able to swing far enough from one persona to another, I get jammed up and stuck in one frame of mind, and when most needed by friends, I am unable to shake myself free of this mindset, and fail to be there when needed. Shying away from obligation, choosing not to engage in a situation which I would in other circumstances be more than willing to help in. For that, I am truly sorry.

I try not to blow hot and cold, but know that is how it seems to some. Give me time, give me a second chance to show you I do care enough to be there when it counts.

Well, that will do for now, this is a lot longer than originally planned, and has digressed somewhat from the blog entry I had in my mind a few hours ago. Bring on the Blackberry Priv and the chance to hammer out some of my old style blogs where the actual real time thoughts flowed from my mind.

Thanks as ever for reading, I hope it makes sense to some somewhere along the way. It certainly feels better to have said it all.

PS, some have recently commented that I seem unhappy, or depressed. I can neither confirm nor deny this. After all to some, my mood is their perception. Right now I feel like I am on top of things, happy in my day to day life, and making progress with current goings on in my life.
I of course bow to the superior knowledge of those outside my head, they can probably see a lot more of what is going on than I choose to let myself see. You concerns are appreciated, and I am in no way shrugging your opinions off. I am merely trying to stay positive and keep my head above water. I have had some lows that I am aware of recently, and right now feel better than I did then.

One day at a time eh, who knows, I might even work myself out one day and click once more.
And they say women are complex!
Then again, I have been told numerous times in life that I am in touch with my feminine side, so I blame that!

Perception, our place in society.

Perception is key when it comes to establishing your presence in society, both yours of others, and how indeed you are perceived yourself by others.
For example, take figures of authority. If you walked into a Police station and every officer was standing dressed in Nike joggers, hoodies, and a nice pair of Air 180's, you would have difficulty taking them seriously. The same way you would not expect to be taken seriously if you turned up at a job interview for an office position, in shorts and a t-shirt.

So lets look at perception. How and why is it SO important to us, and when did it start getting used almost as a weapon?

The power of perception all starts with human instinct, a brief, judgemental opinion formed of someone within seconds of laying eyes on them. Stereotyping people until we have an opportunity to get to know more about them. See a pan of water on the cooker, we assume it will burn us, then carefully test it to find out its just been put on and is cold.

We do the same with people. Society pigeon holes people, teaching us that casually dressed people care carefree, well dressed people are professional and respectable, and depending what side of the fence you sit on this one, people in uniforms with authority, namely the police are either trustworthy and a safe refuge, or untrusted, and will abuse us.

When you walk down a street at night, and see a group walking towards you your subconsciousness kicks into overdrive. Scanning, looking for clues as to what part of society these people come from, do they pose a risk, should you take action. Cross over, turn around, or keep on walking to get a better idea before deciding. Depending on your experiences, you will be compelled by what you have learned from previous encounters. Those who have been victims of any sort of street crime are likely to cross away as soon as they make visual contact on the group.

Sadly, some groups in society have learned this, and perceive it as power, and a crazy form of respect. Having the ability to make people cross the road just because of the way you dress and behave. For example, the hoodie! Frowned upon by society, shrouding the wearers face from most angles. Hiding away their expression and making it nigh on impossible to get a read on them. Because of the media coverage, and the aggressive manner people who wear them are perceived behave, the average Joe on the streets will avoid contact with groups wearing hoodies. And if the situation necessitates them passing close by, all items of value will be hidden away, eye contact avoided, and pace increased.

To gangs perception has become key. Stamping their authority on neighbourhoods, using peoples perceptions of them against them. No longer to they need to actually do anything wrong, we just see them and fear them.

But for some this was not enough, and the fight for a positive perception within groups and gangs has now taken over. Infighting if you will.
Not content with being feared by society, the fight has now erupted from within. The knives and other weapons once used to instil fear on others outside the group, for fun or gain, have now turned inwards, and the fighting has begun.
This is not to say that all victims of knife crime are in a gang, far from it in fact. But the fighting from within has caused a lot of the members of the gangs to start carrying weapons.
Weapons which in turn, change a simple street altercation into a fatal or life changing incident.

I have never believed violence is the answer. Going from a road rage incident I was once caught up in, with the driver of the other vehicle feeling that having not been able to over take me for half a mile, warranted a fight (strange people), to a recent disagreement on the internet turning into threats and suggestions of "sorting this out face to face" Ironically the debate which caused the disagreement was on violence.

However, as the years have gone by, situations which were once finished with a cheeky sucker punch, and a black eye, have now turned into "I know, I have I knife, that will teach him". The cowards way, the easy way, or just the most idiotic and irresponsible decision and action a person can make. Ending a simple altercation with someone, in fact a whole group of peoples, lives being changed forever.

Having watched CCTV, and read witness accounts of some truly devastating assaults over recent years, it is abundantly clear that this knife carrying society is here, and is determined to stay for as long as it can.

So we go back to perception.....
In society we all make a decision, be it conscious or subconsciously , to make an impression on others. We don't see how we look for 99% of the day, so what we wear, how we walk, and how we behave is instead all a show. A show for others. Out for the night, impress the ladies, job interview, impress the potential boss, and so on. Clothing plays a key role, as it is a massive visual key for others to associate with.
Then there is how we walk and behave. Body language plays a huge part too. As we watch someone walking, we assess how much personal space of others they respect, body checking and barging is a sure sign that this person is bad news. Respectfully standing aside, being alert of your surroundings, paints a totally different picture.

Of course, all these reads we make on someone in the split second that it takes can all be terribly wrong. And we come back to stereotyping, the man in the hoodie knocking into people as he runs down the street, could in fact be a plain clothes police officer chasing that well dressed man you just passed, who you assumed was running for a bus.

I guess what I am trying to say here is two things, but they work against each other.

Perception IS key, for a fraction of a second. It tells us how to react, and what to expect from someone we perceive as friend or foe.
However perception is flawed, as society teaches us to pigeon hole people, and who to avoid, it also teaches others how easy it is to commit perception fraud. Making yourself to be something you are not is the easy part. Sadly backing up the threat your image paints is where it gets messy.
Proving a point, making a stand, and showing others that you deserve the respect you demand. Carrying a weapon, using violence, just for another step up the ladder.
Finding someone innocent to your behaviours. Unsuspecting and vulnerable, and using them to display how tough you are, is really just proving how weak you are.

Knife crime is nothing new, it will never disappear fully, but for now it is getting out of control. Maybe the media are over reporting it, over inflating the seriousness in our minds. Maybe it really is on the up and getting to a point of being uncontrollable, who knows.


So I will sum up this random ramble with this.
As much as you can fool someone with your image, make them perceive you as a dangerous threat, let me put this to you...

Fear is NOT respect.
Violence does NOT earn respect
Respect is earned, and earned from decent people, not low life thugs who you look up to in some strange way, because you in turn fear them. Break the cycle!

My parting question. How do YOU want to be perceived, and how do you thing people actually perceive you?
Confident, vulnerable, confused, confrontational......