Bitchy snitch

Sad state of affairs really, but it seems whenever you are off sick, with legitimate reason, with visual causes, and x-rays, bloods and consultations to prove it, for some reason, some sad individuals take it upon themselves to stir.
Now I get it, office gossip is one thing. However taking information you find on a social media feed, and running to upper management to try and stir shit up. Well that's just a whole other level of sad and snide.

Today, on my third day back to work, I had a meeting with a manager, to discuss my recent sickness. I completely agree that it has been dreadful. Long periods of time off, and too many of them for my liking and wellbeing, let alone for an employer. God forbid how it was making little snitchy feel. Must have been like fire ants in the pants! Would explain all the running to the managers.

One thing I do find interesting is the knowledge people have of my communications with management while I was off. Obviously my activities are easy enough to see, you just have to check Facebook, et voila. But knowing what has been said in private emails, well that is a whole other matter now isn't it. Maybe I should go formal with it?

What I find very sad, I mean REALLY sad, is the lengths people will go to to try and cause trouble for others. Almost like they get kicks from it. There is certainly no other benefit to doing it.
This isn't the first time either, with the occurrences in 2011 when a file was collated regarding my activities, and presented to management with such strong will and intent, it almost cost me my job. Thankfully the management saw through the ill intent of the information, let alone its inaccuracies, and it was dropped.

Fast forward 6 years, and the same shit just happened again. Now I have my suspicions on who it is, and I worry for them, I really do. I am not one to mock mental health, in fact I take it very seriously. With than in mind I wonder if the person has any issues which cause them to behave that way.  I should point out that I am not the only one who has had a secret dossier compiled.

Now the good thing is, due to some discrepancies in the formal actions taken by my past manager, sadly due to his failing health and subsequent passing, I have been , I quote "thrown a life line". So this recent meeting has amassed to nothing really.

Now I want to point out that I am truly grateful for the way things have been handled, and the outcome. It is not something I feel I deserved or was entitled to. As I have said, my sickness has been terrible, and I must really be flavour of the month right now, both in the office and the company. It is not something I am proud of.
With that said, if said person is SO interested  in my medical details, I will quite happily wish some of the pain I have been feeling recently upon them, then they can see how they like it.

Even some of the details in todays discussion were fresh from the bitch mill. Somehow finding the fact that I am riding a bike to work a cause for concern. Well dear boy, that is what being off sick is for, to recover, and come back fit and well. Some might choose to forget that my foot was getting bad a couple of months back, but I gave up riding in, and drove to work in considerable pain, to try and be helpful as we were short staffed. Funnily enough I didn't get reported to management for that. Hmmm.

It is quite clear things are not going to change, and that the person seems to have an unhealthy obsession with my behaviour. But doesn't seem interested in addressing it openly and face to face. Aaah well, I don't know if I should be scared or honoured. Either way, please feel free to continue your bitchy snitchy behaviour, and I will continue to conduct myself in a respectable, and above board manner. One of us has to !

Self imposed solitary confinement.

Yesterday turned out to be the turning point I have been  expecting for a while now, and my god it turned fast. Like a jet fighter doing a vertical stall, my mood has shot up over recent days, but reaching stalling point, the past 12 hours have been spent plummeting to earth at breakneck speeds.

Yesterday afternoon I could feel myself losing momentum, reducing physical activity is probably a large catalyst in the matter. Sitting around equates to thinking, and we all know what sort of trouble that gets me into. I guess it is a much needed reality check of how I am really doing right now in my fight, but unwelcome all the same. 

At some point I needed to emulate a "normal" day, with periods of not running my body into the ground as a distraction. No point thinking all is well and starting to reduce meds, and get back to work, if in reality the only thing holding me together is the sweat from over exertion. So this could the the reality I guess. For all the positives I have taken from the past few weeks of rising from my New Years mood bomb, the cold hard truth is that I am not much further down the line to recovery.

The whole therapy thing hasn't helped one bit I have to say. I have my first group meeting today and I am filled with dread about it. Probably not helped by this dip in mood, or maybe it is part of the cause of it, I don't know for sure.

So for now, to avoid any ripple effects, I am putting myself into solitary, withdrawing and retreating from as much around me as I can, and going it alone again. No excuses, no one to blame for anything, just me, myself and I. Not trying to be ignorant, not avoiding anyone for any particular reason,  but just simplifying things the best I can. I have a meeting with the boss at my home this morning, so if all goes well that will be my only contact until later this evening, IF I go to the group. Time will tell on that one.

Right now, I feel like a horrible, worthless, empty, attention seeker, who just doesn't want to burden anyone, or rely on anyone. This is my mess, and I need to sort it myself. This is a slippery slope I know, but right this second its how my head feels, and the only way I know how to "cope".