A loneliness that cannot be satisfied, an emptiness that cannot be refilled. But I can't quite put my finger on what's going on in my head. No constant sadness, no depth to the feelings of depression. Maybe the word is unstable. The slightest little thing can tip the weight on my mood right now. I am just hovering in the middle of happy and sad, swaying between the two at the slightest change of the social wind.
I am at ease talking about mum passing, no pent up feelings about the situation. All things considered, I believe I probably got more closure with mum than most people do when someone passes. The closeness of feeding her, and sitting with her. Nothing left unsaid, and all cards on the table, which is exactly how I have always wanted. So I don't think its that.
The bigger issue for me is the decisions that have always been weighted by mums condition, and have made things hard to do because of the uncertainty of how I would be when she passed. Now she is gone there is nothing stopping some of these things, and with others there are more obstructions than I had first imagined.
Without mum in my life I am for the first time an adult with no senior, and feel like I have choices to make, and need to put my own stamp on life. For years now I have imagined how it would be, and to a great degree that's how its all played out. But there are other areas I have full control over now, and maybe I'm just lacking confidence. Like a learner driving for the first time after passing their test, I know all the theory, and have experience in the practical, but putting it all together and going at it solo... That's just a bit scary!
Right now I'm sitting in the garden with a big grey cloud over my head, and that's not just a metaphor. But its a graphical representation of how things feel right now. Gloomy and stormy. With drops of rain constantly falling, I really can't be bothered to go in. Combined with the cool wind its a welcome break from the hot and sticky day we have had. And maybe that best defines how I am being right now, hot and cold. Changing like the weather in the day, finding the best way to pass a few hot hours before the changes move in and I have to adapt again.
I am probably pretty crap company right now, my attention span to things varies from full on to not bothered in minutes. Even things that I love like shopping are slipping in my interest ratings over the past few days. I guess lack of money can impact on that quite heavily too, and maybe that in itself is one of the roots to my unhappiness right now.
Things don't seem quite as bad at work as I might have first thought in my own delightful paranoid way, but I'm still uncertain what to expect. Either way income is what I need right now, and once that's flowing again, maybe I can really start to get back on my feet.
How about I just blame money for now, it seems a logical reason to feel pissed off, and its something that's kinda in my control. So let's be positive here. I'm touchy because of outstanding bills, and not enjoying shopping as I have no cash, so once I do have money flowing again, everything will be alright.
In reality I am blessed with great friends, who have been so supportive over the past months, some might say I have more friends there for me than most. So how about I stop being selfish and ungrateful, and start to appreciate the priceless things I do have in life. Quite good health all things considered, a roof over my head, great friends, and people who care for me and love me on many levels, all I need to add to that it a touch of positive thinking, a pinch of hope, and a sprinkle of faith.
So there is my life recipe, now let's pop it in the oven and see what becomes of it.
Its amazing how refreshing writing this blog is at times. As I write, it makes sense, as I share, the load becomes lighter. Some see it as a weird thing to do, sharing too much personal information with complete strangers, others find it heartwarming that someone can just open up like this and let them into their lives. Helping with their own situations, making sense of what otherwise seems so lonely and individual. To me its empowering, screaming from the top of the WWW, while at the same time softly whispering my woes to people who care, and those who are there to help me along the way.
Years ago I started to write a book which I am determined to finish writing. Its impact on others has been huge, without ever being published, so to me written word is so very powerful. Now I am again inspired, not only to self help by writing this blog, but to try and help others by doing more writing. Let's see how that turns out. At this pace I could be doing a chapter a day with ease.
Thank you for reading, even if its only one person. Comments are always welcomed, but knowing there is any audience whatsoever is the bit that makes it all make sense.
Thank you :)
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