Almost go time, and nervous as hell!

It has been a long time in the making, and tomorrow is the day. In under 24 hours time (18 hours 23 mins at time of writing), I will join 50+ other cyclists at St Christopher's Hospice in Sydenham, to begin a 350 mile, four day cycle to Amsterdam. Stopping off in Calais, Bruge, and Breda along the way, for some rest, refreshments, and recharge the batteries. The physical ones that is, no e-bikes here!

Bags are packed with what I think I will need, clothing, supplies, and some snacks, courtesy of Seachelles Bakehouse, bike is serviced and ready to go thanks to Finches in Forest Hill. So as far as bike, and prep goes, I am ready to go.

Mentally and physically however, well that is a slight other story. Physically my lungs are not back to 100% from a recent sniffle I had, so that is a bit of a challenge. Added to hayfever and high humidity, and physically I know I have to pace myself. Was never about getting there fast, but this is all the more reason to take it a bit easier. My power meter on the bike has decided it doesn't want to work now, so rather than watching the watts, I will have to watch the BPM's. Good thing I am familiar with doing that.

Mentally, well the past few weeks have not been kind, and recent conversations and interactions have not exactly done much to alleviate the nerves of being around so many strangers. My mindset at the moment is pretty much wanting to zone out, get each ride day done, and find my own space in the evenings. Hopefully that will change as the barriers drop as the miles go by. However I am being realistic about things, so got to keep it in mind. I am sure it will be OK whatever happens.

So, tomorrow I get up early, get ready, hop on the bike and go for a nice little chill out, leg stretch ride, before heading to St Christopher's, shake out the nerves and the cobwebs. From the morning I an doing a Social Media takeover on St Christopher's Twitter and Instagram accounts. I am also hoping to do a few little sessions on Facebook Live to keep the juices flowing, and show people their pennies were not donated in vain.

I think once we get moving, I am just going to slip into my usual quite relaxed feeling of riding. Looking forwards to getting over the hills on the way to Dover, as that will realistically be the hard work for the whole ride done. Again, just got to watch those BPM's and not over cook things.

Can you tell I am anxious yet? Already over thinking things. Will my phone battery last. Will the battery pack recharge fast enough to use daily? Will I be able to sleep ( I struggle at the best of times)? It is all going on in my head right now. So much so, that I am currently in the middle of a physical slump, exhausted. An hour on Zwift, nope, didn't wake me up. A walk to the shops, just made me realise how humid it is right now, and worried me more about riding in it. Just need to get the cogs on the bike spinning, to stop the ones in my head!!

Right, I better get back to the sofa, and worrying myself silly about riding a bike!!

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Wow this is SO much fun!

The ambulance crews (yes 2 of them) spent the best part of 2 hours with mum. Talking to her, testing her, finding thingd wrong with her etc, and everything points to a trip to the hospital.
As soon as it was mentioned, the defences went up and the arguing started. Refusal to go to Lewisham hospital, they treat her like a prisoner and she is not going there.
A rethink and how about St Thomas's. No, their patient transport there is shocking and she is not going there. The list carried on, Kings College, Guys, but no no no.
Eventually they suggested taking her to St Christophers Hospice, amazing treatment and care etc, but shock horror, NO!
Apparently her visit there last week was very bad, she could not stand the noise there and now doesn't like it.

So after an almost 2 hour stand-off they finally had to offer her the "I don't want your help" form, which she signed quite happily.

So she is left with, a urine infection, severe dehydration, an irregular heart, no appetite, no strength and no will to go on.

The GP called shortly after they left and bluntly (as he usually is) asked did she not care about the impact she was having on others, she screamed down the phone at him that she was sick and tired of caring what other people wanted, and was doing what she wanted now, and that was doing nothing, and being left to do her own thing and slip away.

Problem with that is, none of the conditions from the symptoms she is displaying are related to the cancer, so it unlikely that "this is it" at all. So instead she is committing to lots of pain and discomfort, weakness and less dependency, and infection spreading to her kidneys. Which she will no doubt say the cancer is spreading to too.

So here I am, at home, on my birthday, 3 years to the day this journey begun, wondering what I am supposed to do. I will admit I am feeling VERY resentful right now. Disappointed that mum is doing this to herself, and feeling its fair on everyone else around her to be left to cope with this.

When my sister asked earlier if she had wished me happy birthday she just grunted "NO!".

Its not about my birthday really, its about her lack of comprehension of how this impacts me and my sister. Mum doesn't want to talk to me at the moment (in the devil), hung up on the doctor, but is nice as pie to my sister, laughing and joking with her.

Oh well, I guess I better get back on track, I was meant to be having celebration pizza today, but for some reason have lost my appetite!

Thanks for reading
Regards
Michael

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Yaaaaaawwwn!.... Morning.

Well I don't know if it was the relief of finally getting the meeting with work out of the way, or maybe its the new dose of drugs I'm taking (not sleeping pills). Either way, I had a really good night of sleep last night. Woke a few times to noises I heard, like mum walking around the house, but settled much faster and feel much more willing to get up this morning.

Amazing what a change of state of mind can do, whether it be drug induced or not, it was much needed. So now I can try and get a few more awkward things out of the way today, like those damned council tax benefits people. Although I am still avoiding thinking about it too much mentally.
Not sure what sort of plan they are going to put in place to pay off the arrears, which funnily enough are their fault, but hey ho!

Another positive today too, the carer is running late today, within 3 mins of her expected time here, the phone rang. It was the agency informing us she was running late, which was much appreciated. The lateness is a pain but have nothing urgent planned this morning, so that's ok.

Just managed to book mums appointment for the GP for Monday, took a while to get through on the phone, so I took the first appointment they offered. As I hung up I realised there was something wrong with that, and sure enough I was right. The appointment clashes with my appointment with the family worker at St Christophers.
But with my clearer mind, within seconds we have a solution. Mum can come to St Christophers with me, she can relax in the lounge, and we can leave 10 mins before her appointment. Win-win I believe that is called.

Right I better get on, the 9am regime calls. (More like 9.45 today as the carer is still not here)

Have a great day, its almost the weekend.
Regards
Michael

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Phew, that's a relief!

A day I have been dreading, almost over with now. With a weight off my mind for the time being suddenly everything becomes a little clearer.
Today I have had two very important appointments (for me anyway). Firstly there was the GP, who is no easy rider. So speaking to him about how I am feeling is not the easiest of things to do. Trying to explain how down you feel, without sounding like an over dramatic drama queen is quite an ordeal. However as he knows mums medical condition too he was understanding.
In short he has doubled my medication, and signed me off for a further 4 weeks. Which is a relief in itself as it allows me more time to focus on the right things, rather than worrying about smaller insignificant details of life.

The second event of the day was a home visit from work. Standard practice for employees on long term sick, which I more than qualify as now. Now while I have nothing to hide, and am confident that all would be well, I have the cloud of doom and gloom over me recently, so feel that anything I do MUST have a negative side. So for some reason was expecting a rough time of things.

So Dave and Michelle arrived, and immediately I felt I was at ease, some tension was released. The conversation was very much informal, so didn't feel like I was under oath and on the stand. We talked for some time, discussing what's going on with me, how I'm feeling, and how I see things panning out over coming weeks of months. I was quite open and honest about everything, in fact maybe too open as there were times of discomfort clearly visible.

Anyway, the outcome is quite a relief, with a referral to the occupational health worker for Fedex (PHC) some time next week, a review on the situation the week after, and then see if a plan can be put into place to look towards returning to work in some capacity when the sick note runs out. That's an ideal in my mind anyway, as I would love to get back to work and get some structure back in my life.

With appointments all over the place for the next few weeks, I am hoping all the pieces will slowly start to slot together soon, and I can start getting myself back together, and on top of all the little things in life that I have put to one side, council tax for one, but I will come to that. So fingers crossed, positive thinking, PMA!

So yes, I mentioned council tax. A few months ago when we were transferring the tenancy over from mum to me, I wrote to Lewisham asking about how I go about taking over the payments... After 3 months of asking and getting stupid replies back I finally got an answer. I basically said "you owe us £637, pay up"
Right so I have been asking for months, then you just back date it and demand it, just like that.... Well quite frankly... BOLLOX!
After receiving the letter mid December I have stressed about it no end, until today.
As the meeting with work ended, I felt a release of stress and my mind cleared a little. Now looking at the letters I know exactly what I feel about it all, how I'm going to deal with it and where I stand. Rather than in a deep hole sinking fast.

While I have just discovered mum is no longer entitled to benefits towards the council tax, suddenly it all seems a bit more manageable. Just need to speak to someone about paying off the 3 months of arrears caused by their lazy office staff not getting the account sorted, then I'm sailing!

So here's to a more positive outlook on certain aspects of life. Clearer thinking and a smoother ride.

Thanks for reading an epic entry... Can you tell I'm a little happier? Lol
Regards
Michael

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