Depression vs laziness.

Laying in bed this morning, like a petulant child refusing to get up for school, I got thinking.
As I lay there, with the fan on, cool breeze, and just moving from one comfortable position to another, I thought back to a few months ago when my reasoning for laying in bed was quite different.

This led to a deeper thought on the matter, and quite frankly spoilt the moment, but was worth it.
A few months back, each morning I would wake, filled with doom and gloom. No good reason to get out of bed, and dreading what awaited me when I did. So for as long as I could, I would find excuses not to get up and start the day.
Raining, can't walk the dogs, being my favourite, however there were plenty more, from convincing myself I was too tired and needed more sleep, to deciding I ached in some way or form and should rest. The depressed mind is full of excuses!

Today however, and the last week or two have been different. I have instead basked in the "life if good" bed of laziness. Like a carefree bachelor with no plan for the day, I just wake and enjoy the moment. Rather than avoiding things, I schedule them in my mind, allowing just enough time to complete the required tasks of the day, whilst making the most of relaxing in bed.
Now I am not going to say that is an every day ideal, it really isn't. But I have to say it is nice to have the option, and to feel in control of it.

I am not scared to get up, nor of what lays in wait day to day. And that is a huge departure from the feelings of depression I fought for the first few months of this year, and previously.

So, with that in mind, I now understand the confusion and misinterpretation people have. When a depressed person says "I just can't get out of bed in the morning" and the person who has not experienced it says "Oh I know what you mean, I get like that". While I appreciate the attempt at empathy, there is a huge difference between being unwilling to get up and get the day started, feeling lazy and unmotivated, and the feeling of being trapped in your bed, covers tucked in, with no way out. Your mind refusing to let you out of the safety and numbness of your bed, to protect you from the day of dread and terror which awaits you.

It sounds far fetched I know, but the mind can play lots of tricks with you, and ultimately controls your actions.So when it says "we are NOT getting up today", you pretty much obey. When you think, I have nothing to do this morning, I am gonna have a lay in, its a choice.

In between these two stages, there is another I have been experiencing recently, and that is reluctantly staying in bed. Through illness or injury, I have spent a lot of time in bed in the past month too, resting my back and hips (most of the time), and fighting off a fever. Waking knowing your mind is happy for you to get out of bed, but this time it is your body, and having to make the reluctant choice to stay in bed, even though you have the mental capacity to be up doing things is quite a kick in the balls, especially when bouncing back from being trapped already.

I guess it is this stage which has spurned this entry more than anything. The line between both ends of the mental spectrum is indeed physical. Prohibiting activity, and leaving you to decide how much you care about resting and recovering. For once fighting the mental drive to get out of bed shows me that I have a lot of choice about my daily actions, and only when I am truly crushed by depression do I lose all control over my life.

That is a powerful message to me, and a reminder that without any visible signs, every drop of energy, drive and hope can be torn from you, and leave you as just an empty carcass of a person, just along for the ride.

I really do hope even just one person who knows these three stages reads this, just so I know I am not the only one who recognises them.
So, next time someone says they just can't get out of bed, imagine it as a physical injury, and give their feelings the same consideration you would if you saw them in a body cast, or with legs in plaster. The mind controls every movement we make, if it says no, the answer is simply NO. Even if you don't understand why.

In a minute...

We have all done it.  Woken on a lazy day,  routine slightly broken but one or two pressing things to do. As the morning wears on,  the number of times you think about it multiplies,  but the motivation to actually get up and do it wains.
For me it's rainy mornings. The usual routine is up and straight out with the dogs,  get an hour of life under my belt before coming home and getting on with what's left.  Training is next, (after feeding the dogs of course),  and once I have got my sweat on and worn myself out a bit,  the chores around the house take next place.

Of course today being Saturday and raining  meant no rush to get up,  and even less to get going as the dogs don't usually go out in the rain. By 10am my morning is almost usually complete but today I was not even out of bed. In my defence a long day of walking yesterday meant my achillies were long over due a break,  so they got one.  Finally at about 10.30am I finally trained,  and I'm glad I did. It's out of the way now,  and no training tomorrow means just today's PM to do now. Then a new week means new routine.

Hopefully it will dry up a bit outside and I can get out with the dogs a bit later,  to make up for slacking. And of course keep my week average of steps up.

Til then though,  it's sin day today,  so treats are in store.  Slight weight loss again today,  couldn't resist checking again after yesterday.

Right better get on,  I have absolutely nothing to do today,  but open to invites lol

Have a good weekend all.

Dear Yodel..... (again)

OK, so im calling to speak to someone, but can only get as far as the automated service. The parcel ID only gives me an update then hangs up, and the courier didn't actually come here so I don't have a card....So there is no option to speak to a human?

FAILED!

Kinda missing the point of home delivery don't you thing?

Yodel you f**kin liars!

Fed up of this bullshit now, I lose track of the number of times I have dealt with Yodel, but they are yet to deliver a package without problems. From saying it was the wrong address, to tonight's 'unable to gain access' to a reception desk of a courier company that is open beyond 7pm? Seriously? 

Or was it the courier could not be bothered to deal with the traffic on Southwark Park Road, so just waited til past regular business hours, bullshitted and just coded it as business closed.

So once again I pay for faster delivery, only for the company delivering it to let the supplier down. Why people still use Yodel I don't know, I sure as hell wouldn't out of choice!

So I await some twitshit about how sorry they are, and some pointless apology which neither gets me my jacket for tonight when I wanted it for, nor the money back for paying for a delivery service that failed to deliver.

If there is one thing Yodel does do well, it's continue to survive in an environment where SO MANY people think you are utterly useless.

Thanks for nothing Yodel, the only guarantee you keep is the guarantee to fail and disappoint every time!

Dear 'Protesters'

If that's what you choose to call yourselves. I just wanted to clarify something with you all.

In the 80's we had 'flying pickets' that appeared on any picket line that showed up in the middle of the unrest surrounding the miners strikes. For Greenham Common we saw loads of people just jumping on an exciting bandwagon of nuclear activism. In more recent times we had the riots in the towns and cities of the UK, where we saw opportunistic little idiots claiming to sympathise and understand the causes which were the cause of the unrest, and display their understanding by looting shops and burning them to the ground.

This is not forgetting of course the Student Protests, in which we saw an extraordinary demonstration of violence and stupidity. With hopeful students going to prison, buildings torched, and a complete waste of police resources, and damage to public property. Mainly by mindless idiots who just joined in, but partially by educated and intelligent people.

Now we come to 'you'... Where exactly do you fit in here? Popping up at Dale Farm, then at Occupy London, and then back to Dale Farm etc... Wtf is your game? I don't get it. Are you hormonal, over sympathetic, pathetic, or just trouble makers?

Dale Farm, yes it has taken eons to make progress on the evictions, and its not nice to be turfed out of your long term home. But then again if you do something illegal, its pretty obvious the law will catch up with you eventually. I feel sympathy for those affected, and pity for the youngster who find themselves on the move. However almost all the trouble caused at the protest and subsequent eviction was caused by YOU! The non travelling travellers were upset and showed their anger and distress, but it seems it was the 'activists' or 'protesters' that were doing the stupid and dangerous things, as well as the acts of violence towards the police and violence.
The law was against you, the police were there to enforce the bailiffs, so violence towards them was nothing to do with democratic rights to protest, it was just ignorance to everything around you, and an excuse to be a trouble maker and get some TV time.
When its all done you will all just piss off to the next protest, lose contact with those that you 'care' about and remember nothing more that the bricks you threw at other human beings. The same human beings you accused of brutality for so much as pushing you!

Moving on we have Occupy London aka Piss Off St Pauls! What exactly is to be gained here. You have a gripe with their financial neighbours, so are sitting on THEIR doorstep, causing an obstruction and distress to visitors. If you have a complaint about an Adsa pie, do you complain to Tesco because its more convenient.... The answer is NO!
Not only do most of you have little involvement in the financial structure of this country, let alone any input to it other than your bottles of cider, but I'm sure most don't even understand the point of the protest at all. When I was there to observe your stupidity on Sunday I was in awe of the mixed messages being read out, and on banners. The lack of structure to it all, and the dumbness of the behaviour of the mindless attention seeking idiots there.

Kettling! Seriously, it was a containment. If you want to experience kettling, go to the Notting Hill Carnival or other such busy place. POor treatment... You had toilets, water and food. Not tear gas, water cannons, and non lethal rounds being fired at you... You didn't only get your democratic rights, you were pampered to a level you did NOT deserve. Only to cry foul play, and brutality.

You can probably tell I am NOT a fan of your behaviour. Nor the way the reasonable people of the UK have their tax money spent on managing your unruly protests, poor behaviour, and for that matter, pay for your facilities and the repairs to the property you damage.

There is protesting to make your point, there are sit-in's to cause disruption to the operation of a company or organisation. There are strikes to disrupt the productivity of a company (although you would need a job first) and then there is downright stupid behaviour which serves no purpose other than to seek attention, dilute the seriousness of the true cause. Every cause you touch turns stupid, every voice you try to 'help' to echo, you in fact drown it out.

You are bored, irritating, costly, jobless, mainly unclean, trouble makers with nothing better to do with your lives than jump on any media bandwagon, proclaim your commitment to the cause, and then run away with it.
If you REALLY care about money, and the financial situation of the country, stop causing so much trouble, let innocent businesses trade without fear of disruption or destruction, stop the need for huge police numbers (in overtime) to manage your poor behaviour, and save the country some money. And if you really care, do some volunteer work, soup kitchens, care centres, park projects. There are plenty of places calling out for free help. But then there are no free facilities, and no media attention, so I guess that's you out.

To all the genuine people who know the cause they support, commit themselves to it, and demonstrate in the true democratic way, I applaud you for sticking to your guns, following your beliefs, and having your voice heard by others, and I truly hope these idiots who ruin it for you, grow up and get jobs soon.
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