Aaaah.... Now I get it!

It's amazing how at times you can struggle for hours, days or even months to try and explain something. Usually it is an action or something very complicated that needs to be put in just the right way to make clear exactly what your point or conclusion is. Other times is can be something so very simple. A few lines, just to drive home the desired message, and give, what seems trivial to others, some clarity.
Anyone who knows me knows just how complex my brain can be about the smallest of matters, and how sometimes I can dwell on something, fixate on it to a point of destruction of the said situation. Usually ending in more misery and confusion, for me at least.

It will also  am sure, not go unnoticed that I can also be a bit of a word smith at times, and find a way to convey a message or opinion in such a way that the whole world can understand (or so it feels at times). So imagine the quandary for me finding myself in a situation I understand, but can't express! It's painful.

There have always been two sides to my thought process, maybe more at times depending on the situation and reward offered by it. But let us concentrate on the two main sides. There is the side that sees things logically, for their true worth and intentions. Accepting things for what they are, like any other rational person. Then there is the self destructive side, the voice of doubt and negativity. Again, everyone has this side, but for most it is just the voice of reason, making us consider things for their worth before jumping in head first. A good thing for most, swaying us away from situations we would otherwise allow ourselves to do things, only to regret them later.

Sadly for me the negative side of my thought process is far too active, and manages to get involved in the simplest of situations and run amok through my mind, complicating things which are otherwise pretty simple and harmless. This happens all too frequently, and when it does, it leaves behind a path of destruction every time. Sometimes damaging important things. Then, rather than feeling regret and sorrow, it barrels on with no recourse, and justifies things in a way where I am meant to feel I am better off thanks to the stupid actions. The negative side will always see it as a win, while the downtrodden normal side can see the true magnitude of what has happened.

So, back to the point of this entry.
Recently the negative side of my mind has been hard at work, trying to push me back down the slope of depression. Taking things which have felt positive, and turning them against me. Each time managing to get me back down the slope, and back into isolation. Seemingly alone and isolated is somehow safer than being in the real world and exposed to the risk of hurt or harm.

Trying to convey that however has been really hard for me, especially in certain situations. But yesterday, during a tattoo sitting of all things,*POP* the negative bubble surrounding the matter burst, and my ability to express EXACTLY what I have been trying to for a long time came flooding back.
I have said since my CBT sessions started, I need counselling, not some sort of brain washing radicalisation to make me conform the to text book way of thinking and rationalisation. It seems I was right. I have had some of my greatest moments of clarity while being tattooed, maybe that is why I seem to have a growing number of pieces. Do I really seek the sensation of a tattoo in order to trigger my mind, a jump-start of sorts. I think in a way I do! Hardly an epiphany for me, I have considered this possibility a number of times over the years. Having had some tattoos done as almost a time out from real life.

To finally see a matter for exactly what it is. See how simple it really is, and not at all scary or complicated like negative mind wants you to believe. It is SO refreshing, empowering and exciting. Of course, sometimes the clarity comes too late, and while it makes perfect sense, re approaching  a situation in which the dust has now settled is somewhat counter-productive, and this is also quite frustrating, as you are left with something wonderful that you are unable to share. What should be a fix could actually turn it into a massive clusterfuck.

Either way, to finally walk clear of the fog on the path, and be able to see again is wonderful. An analogy I used to use when helping a friend through tough times. We all lose our way at times, and stumble from the path, sometimes the fog closes in and we cannot see our way. Instead of panicking and running scared, it is wiser to slow down, retrace our steps, and allow the fog to clear before carrying on any further. For me, the fog is well and truly clear, and I can see. Visibility is still low, I'm not sure where the road leads, but I know I will see whatever is coming before it happens now, and have no reason to fear the things my negative mind has led me to believe previously.

I can see the wonderful things people have done for me over the last few months, the wrong turns I have taken, and the speedbumps along the way which have upset the load a bit. Slowing the journey down now, I can overcome speedhumps with caution, and see where I am going, so hopefully no more wrong turns, well, not big ones anyway.

So this blog really is a thank you to Michelle more than anything. A friend (who charges me for her time and scars me for life lol) who has a wonderful way of seeing things, and an amazing ability to connect with me, in the way I usually connect with others, and dig deep enough to find the root to each of my problems. I am used to being the one who manages to dig around in peoples minds to help them see what is bothering them, and once I realised that, I found it rewarding to know I could help others. So I hope you too have found reward in what you do, knowingly or otherwise.

I know I have caused some upset along this journey, and won't say for one second that none of it was intentional, that would be a lie. But there are things that have happened which should not have, misunderstandings, and some huge moments where I have failed to consider the impact of my words or actions, which has led to awkward and sometimes painful situations, for which I am truly sorry.
While taking the time to realise I have to do what is right for me, and me only, which has only come recently. My conversations with close friends has made me realise lots of people need that level of control in their lives, and it is NOT selfish or ignorant, it is necessary and normal to protect what is precious to you, at any cost!

I also realise while I manage to pigeon hole people in my life, in an order of trust and importance, so do others. And just because they hold a prime pigeon hole in your life, you may not rank the same way in theirs. Not a bad thing, just a reality of life. Of course you can be upgraded and moved around as life goes on, but it is not for us to decide our place in other peoples lives.

Right, that's enough of that.

Thank you to the special people in my life, in the top row. I shall try to grow from this and respect whatever place you have for me in your life.

Doing the right thing.

We all try and do the right thing most of the time, right? Maybe our timing is a bit off, or the moment has passed before we manage to get around to it, but in the end, when all is said and done, we try and ensure we know right from wrong, and do the right thing.

So when your timing is off, along with doing what needs to be done, there is a certain element of apology needed to. Which becomes even more awkward when you are actually trying to apologise for something in the past. Now you are apologising that your apology is overdue, and then trying to make the apology seem sincere too. Tough gig.

Unfortunately, even the best intentions can sometimes get you kicked in the balls, and served with a side of "fuck off" too. Or so it seems.

Looking back at things you have done in life, realising in retrospect that it wasn't the right thing to do, or a particularly nice thing to do, you can feel obliged to apologise. Just like in the movies where people go around knocking on the doors of people they went to high school with, and apologising for being a douche, sometimes in life you feel compelled to do the same. Or I do anyway.

I have a strong ethic of not regretting things, to the point where I had it tattooed on me. How ironic would it be to regret that! But apologising when I have done something wrong. That is something I have got better at as I have aged. Realising that sometimes just a few words uttered can have a profound effect on someone. I can't name moments in life, but I know I have been on the receiving end of a few myself. Maybe that's what started me off, who knows. A conscience, me.... Goodness gracious!

As good as it as I have got, and no matter how carefully you choose your words, sometimes, recognition and apologies for what has happened will never be enough. Regardless of the reasoning or intentions buried deep within the apology, there are occasions where it is a pointless task, a waste of breath. And in some cases actually detrimental to the whole situation.

When all seems like it is going so well, when you feel like you are doing the right thing, sometimes just around the corner there is something waiting to trip you up, or just plain throw your apology right back in your face. Shooting you down, questioning your intentions, and goals.
Well, sometimes an apology is just that, a sincere expression of your feelings towards a situation you played a part in, and one which you realise had an outcome you had not considered.
Sometimes questioning it, or trying to dig through it and make sense of it, dissect every sentence, just makes the whole act of apologising flawed.


In other words, there are some times in life where you just have to STFU and get on with things. Trying to make amends for your own purposes might not suit the others involved, and if that is the case, you are in for a rough ride.
As I have just learned. Not sure if you still read the blog, but if you do, then I guess we both know where we stand now. You upright and strong, and me sitting in a muddy field, in the rain, covered in shit.
That said, that's is not meant to make anyone feel bad, it is what it is, after all. And I played my part in the situation. Not sure I was expecting the grilling I got, not convinced there was not more to be said, rather than making vague comments, and asking questions about things which were originally not even on the table. Guess that's how conversations work.

So, I won't cry on about it, I won't try and come across as the victim, I am after all a grown assed man who got himself into a situation I was unsure of, with a foggy head, and without enough respect to consider the feelings of the other parties. I made my bed, and I shall lay in it. I am glad I have had the opportunity to say my peace on the matter, before the cracks started to appear.

I come away educated, and with more respect for others.

Good people come and go in your life, and sometimes, rather than dwelling on things, it's better to let go with both hands and let what will be, be.

So the moral of the story is... Don't be a douche in the first place, then you won't ever get into a situation where you need to apologise far too late in the day, and make a total cluster fuck of what should have been a simple conversation.