Dear SE23...

I have lived in you for 45 years, over 3/4 of my life now, and we have seen some great times together. Your streets have taught me many life lessons, as well as burned me at times (my own stupid fault). You are my home, the place I miss when I am away, and the views of your rooftops, especially the church that peeks out at the top of my road, are always a welcome sight.

I have lived elsewhere, I have visited many places, but have always felt most comfortable right back within your streets.

My childhood was spent exploring the local roads. Finding all those alleyways, and cul-de-sacs hidden away from the view of every day life. Absolute gems of architecture, which I have grown to respect with age, and of course the odd blot on the landscape.

From a young child, to a man now in his 40's, you have shown me the values of a home, rather than a place to live, and I hope as the years go by, we will continue to have a wonderful relationship.

But..... SE23, there is a problem. It's not me, it's not you...... IT'S THEM !!!
Who the hell are these entitled arseholes who have moved in? When did SE23 become full of pompous idiots who demand all their demands are met. We want this shop, we don't like this company, who are these people who have parties, it's too light, dark, grey, green..... Please, make them go away!

We were happy for so long. All the people who have spent their lives here with us, growing with the area, seeing businesses come and go. The Swiss Cottage, Woolworths, The Golden Griddle, the old petrol station on Waldram Park Road.... So many memories of days gone by, but all replaced by modern day businesses or building, most of which I welcome. Obviously, nothing is perfect, but as a whole, I love you SE23.

So back to those people. They are ruining what we have. The spillover from other local areas, reluctant to say they simply could not afford to live elsewhere, they tell us they are part of the "gentrification" of the area. The new breed, the start of a movement to bring the area up to date, and with the times.
For starters, some of these people need to understand what gentrification actually is. It is not modernisation, or a slight change in social wealth in an area. It is a bricks up redesign on an area for social development, and pushing out the existing people.
Let's get one thing straight here, we (the natives of the area) ain't going nowhere. Don't like us, don't like our ways? Simple, don't move here.

Recent years have seen people move to this lovely area, and start smear campaigns about loved locals, made snide comments to damage people and businesses which simply don't fit into their perfect little worlds, and started some sort of movement to turn the area into something it quite simply is not.
SE23, you are beautiful, filled with green spaces, tree lined streets, wide roads, and many lovely people and businesses, but a village, no! Quaint, nope! As for prime for gentrification.... Fuck right off!
I know you know I want what is best for you, I think I have gotten to know you pretty well over the years. So please, sell yourself more to the mainstream, lets see those building projects, the NIMBY arseholes are all crying about, happen. Bring on the chain stores like Costa to give the local independents a kick in the pants where needed. Domino's can't come soon enough, and lets see the good people of SE23 rise up and claim back what is theirs.

No more of this "I want it this way" bullshit. Talk of blocking cycle paths with concrete blocks, just in case mopeds ride through fire gates.... WTF !! What sort of nonsense is this? Who are these people who are moving in to this area? This is not the mindset of South London, this is people who think they live in South Kensington. Get a grip people!!

Now I love people, I love diversity, and I want this to work, I really do SE23. We can all live together in perfect harmony I am sure. We just need to be a bit more picky about some of the people moving in, and let them know where exactly they are moving in to. Streets are no uniquely lined with independent shops, simply because, well..... you are a town, not a village! Lidl and Aldi are popular because, well.... Most people shop with their budgets in mind, and don't let their precious egos get in the way. Good quality food, at affordable prices. Not the same food at over inflated prices, with premium price tags attached.

I think you are worthy of the finest businesses which suit the needs of our area, I really do. However I also know you don't take it to heart when some brands choose not to open branches in your neighbourhood. Usually based on the demographic of the area, and the projected revenues. I think the only people with a problem with this are those who, just for a moment, realise they are not living in the suburban utopia they like to think they are. A momentary reality check, you live in South London, get over yourself you pompous idiot.

SE23, if it is OK with you, I want to renew our vows to one another, just as long as you promise this is just a glitch, and that the madness will end one day. Sure, lets move up the ranks of most desirable places to live, let's celebrate the wonderful area that you really are, but don't let them bully you into over stretching yourself. You are perfect just the way you are.


As a side note... Dear people of the area, if you have lived here over 10-15 years, I am sure you appreciate the area for all it has to offer. There are some great tight knit communities around the area, speaking from personal experience, I know in times of need my neighbours have my back, and we are as one.
If you have moved in over recent years, and are one of these who chooses not to get to know any of your neighbours, or take an immediate dislike to them, well, quite frankly, that is your problem. Please don't move to an area which is loaded with history, family legacies, and so much more, and immediately think that things should be done differently now that you have moved in.

It doesn't work like that, and if you don't like it, do one! Do your research, find out about an area, and neighbourhood, rather than moving in and suddenly expecting to become the head of the house. If you demand certain businesses, don't like the wildlife in an area broken into two districts, one with FOREST in the name and the other with PARK in it, don't move to it!

I am sick and tired of hearing the whining of the primadonnas, complaining that bin men are noisy, mopeds use the streets, their flat white is too milky, or that a frickin pizza place is daring to open locally to them! Get a grip of yourselves, or STFU, please!!

I could go on for ages about this, but can actually feel myself turning into a whining little NIMBY, so am going to go to the spa and have a green tea and meditate for a while....

Seriously though. If you are just moving in, or moved in recently, welcome to the area. Please take some time to get to know your neighbours, hell, just do a leaflet drop with some contact details, and a hi, you don't have to buy everyone hampers, or invite them over for canapes, (thats no how we do things around here!). SE23 is a fantastic area to live. Perfect, no, but it sure as hell doesn't need a Laurence Llewelyn Bowen   make over.... Maybe a little DIY SOS at best :)

I guess it is worth adding, for fairness and balance. There is nothing wrong with hoping for improvements to an area when you move in. Hell, there is no such place as the perfect area. I have no issue with that whatsoever. Nor do I have a problem with new people moving in. It's a free country, and I don't blame you for wanting to move into this lovely area.
The people I speak of a a tiny but very vocal minority, much like those who read this entry in its original form, and took immediate offence, and told me I was wrong, and my words were poison. See, THAT is the problem right there.... Not just an opinion, FACT, I was wrong.

Dropping the med dose.

It has been a few weeks now since I dropped my dose of Citalopram from 40mg to 30mg, with the blessing and guidance of the doctor that is. I have to say, it could have gone better!
That said, it hasn't been a disaster. A few strange feelings and dreams as my body lowered the amount of drug in my system, a few moments of being a little bit distant, but nothing unexpected.

The last few weeks have been a bit of a challenge in their own right, so it is unfair to base any of that in a drop of medication. Maybe a small wobble from dealing with things with a slightly less assisted mind, but other than that, I have coped well. I think anyway, you would have to ask Ann if she has seen any other changes, but I don't think there have been.

In the meantime, I have been speaking with a couple of friends who are going through the mill a bit right now, and have recently started following another blogger who is just starting out on their journey with dealing with their feelings, and the highs and lows life throws at us.

Distraction is a good tool always, so needless to say I have been cycling a lot too. No escapism this time, but more exercise to keep the goodness flowing through my body, and ensure I am well exercised, and ready for a good nights sleep. That said, looking at me and my data, it would be hard to believe that I am achieving either right now.

Weight is hanging on for dear life, after I failed to launch into a new round of fitness. With injuries to my foot and knee, I sucked it up and accepted that I need to take things a bit easier, certainly until I am in better shape again.
As for sleep, my Garmin sleep tracker supports the theory that I am not doing too well at getting a good nights sleep recently. Thankfully my get up and go seems unaffected, with me heading out early for work, to get more miles in on the bike.

I have blood tests coming up next week to see how I am getting along with my uric acid levels, hopefully all is still well there. Then a review, yet to be booked, to see if and when I will drop to 20mg of Citalopram. Add to that physio, MSK and Orthotics all at Lewisham hospital over the coming week, and I am rather busy.
With all that going on, my main aim remains to achieve my cycling distance goal which I set last year, of 3,000 miles. With the amount of time I have had out of the saddle this year, I am shocked I am this close, but happy at the same time.

Hopefully next year will be kinder to me, and I can set a really decent goal. I think looking back, I have probably missed a good three solid months of cycling due to foot and leg issues. Really not ideal.

Before I go, I should add that I have taken a huge leap of faith today, and stepped away from something I have long considered a support to me. Recently realising it caused me more stress and anguish, than good and help, I cut ties today, and already feel better for it.
The manner in which it happened was proof enough that it was the right thing to do.

So, here's to a good weekend for all, I look forward to conversing with anyone out there who wishes to. And next week I can again start chasing my numbers on the bike, consider my next step with meds, and forget all about Xmas lol


Stay in touch people :)

What can I do to help?

It is so frustrating at times to site idle while others suffer. Knowing you have information which could help others, you have the ability and time to talk to people who need someone to speak to. Yet no way or means to get involved at the grass roots level.

Over the past few days I have been looking into jobs in mental health, what qualifications are needed, and how I can help with the basic skill set I have. Apparently there isn't a way. Which while understandable, is also frustrating. Sure you can teach people the basics of mental health, draw up a curriculum which covers all the bases, make sure people understand the fundamentals of depression and anxiety. But you can't teach experience.

Somewhere there should surely be a crossover point, where experience and education meet, and can be combined to provide the services which are needed most by those suffering. It is great seeing big names coming out and admitting they are affected by depression, and explain their struggles. Saying things others can relate to, and feel like someone understands them. But that is where it ends. When you come forward and look for help, the understanding ends, and the empathy of education presents itself for the first time.

Having someone tell you they understand, because they have read about it is NOT the same as having someone share stories, or finish your tale for you, showing they truly know what the moment can do to you. The lack of this actual understanding is crippling for some, I certainly lost all faith for quite some time. Luckily I had the guidance to keep pushing me to keep going to the meetings, and to try and see what I could inject into the meetings to try and make them a little more "real" for others so to speak.

The thing I found was, as soon as I started openly sharing how certain incidents and events had made me feel, the whole group seemed to engage, waiting to share their experience too. A few meetings later and it had become the norm for me to offer a story, a real life example of such a feeling, to get the ball rolling, and by the end of the session we were all much more open about yet another aspect of depression or anxiety.

The difference to the first few weeks, and the attempts by the course tutors you try and get people talking, asking complete strangers to interact was almost troubling rather than helpful. Only being able to teach and discuss what you have learned from a book or lectures, while on paper might sound great, really isn't. I reflect back to when my daughter was being born, and the midwife told her mum to relax and enjoy the beauty of birth. When asked how many children she had, she replied none. That didn't get a great response. How can you tell someone how to feel about an experience you have never had... Quite simple, you can't.
In very few walks of life would you take advice from someone who only has theoretical experience in something. So when it comes to something as personal and unique as depression, the textbooks just don't cut it.

I desperately want to be able to intervene. Play a role in getting people who are hidden away in their heads, suffering in silence, speaking out. Not to the world, but just to a human who can be compassionate and genuinely empathise with them. Someone who can give their thoughts the time of day, and allow them to vent all the negativity that is drowning them.
You see, for me, and in my experience, speaking out is the first and most important key to the whole experience. While I have always been open enough to speak to a lot of people about it, there is a time when you feel you have exhausted them with the same stories, and you need someone else to talk to, a blank canvas. Unbiased, non judgemental, and willing to listen.
For me on my last round of depression, that person was Dr Elizabeth Paul at Wells Park Surgery. As my original entry says, I walked in silent, sat and just gazed. There was no immediate prompt from her, just a simple smile which gave me the courage to start trying to explain myself.

The whole entry is here... http://michaelsnasdell.blogspot.co.uk/2015/11/the-trip-to-doctors.html

My point here is really, that there is no one right person or way for everyone, we each need to find our own. The person or situation we feel comfortable with, to finally take the first meaningful step. When I have spoken to others about their depression, the common thing I find is the almost relief shown by the person, when you can actually, first hand, appreciate the magnitude of what you are saying.
An example being, going to meet with a friend while I was mid way through my fight with depression most recently. I chose a place to have lunch, somewhere I knew would be quiet, no crowds. My anxiety at that stage was very bad, so people were not my favourite things.
All was fine to start with, however when we started eating, more people started coming in, sitting closer and closer to us. Paradise lost! Matt had no idea what was going on inside my head, but mad panic is the only thing I can describe it as.
When we left and were talking afterwards, in the nicest possible way, it was impossible for him to understand the difference 4-6 more people coming in had made. However speaking to other friends who have been through the same, they got it straight away.

The big issue here is, a lot of people just don't have "that person" around them, and most of the help on hand seems to be from people who are well educated in the field, but really can't fully grasp what you mean. This is a big stumbling block for people. Having finally spoken out about how you are feeling, to suddenly be faced with a stranger who wants to help you, but doesn't understand you, is crippling.

From my experience, things didn't go well from the start. From my first face to face with someone, it felt like I was doomed. The full blog of my first impressions is here.... http://michaelsnasdell.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/touching-base.html

You may be able to tell from the words that it didn't really go too well, and I was left with a rather bitter taste in my mouth. If you read entries further into January, you will see things didn't exactly get much better, not for a while.
Had this interaction been with someone who could understand and properly empathise and assess what I was going through, I think I would have felt much better about the matter. Seeing the speed at which some people dropped out of the subsequent CBT course, I guess for some it didn't get better soon enough. When CBT was explained to me, it was a very rough and vague explanation, reading up on it wasn't much help either. It was only being there, and manipulating it to my own needs, that finally started to make a difference.

After the initial discussion about what CBT was, these were my thoughts.

But the thought I can't get out of my head right now, is the was CBT has been presented to me. My interpretation being that I am in control of my thoughts, and therefore if my thoughts are my problem, and I am in control, it is all my fault. That's how my brain takes it right now. Being told you simply CAN'T do or think something is not a cure. Breaking the cycle, which I know is what CBT is really about is the key. But how do do you that when there are so many triggers and issues to over come?

Here was a person of sound mind, with questionable experience with depression, certainly first hand, telling me in short that I was the issue, and I needed to just forget about the past, and look forwards. Not a great deal of help.

I would dearly love to be able to help people get through this first major step in the program. But it appears academics comes first. To me that feels like teaching someone who can already run, to walk again, because they didn't learn properly. Sometimes, certificates, diplomas and grades count for absolutely nothing at all. Sure, along the process they are without a doubt very important, but for some aspects, you just need to understand, properly. Especially when trying to convince someone to walk out of their door into daylight for the first time in a month.

So here I am, frustrated that due to my lack of qualifications, I am near helpless to play a role in this. Sure some will say, volunteer for Samaritans or similar, but that is just not it. Could I turn my hand to such a thing, probably, would it be as fulfilling as the feeling I felt helping my fellow sufferers through their battle with depression, probably not.

At the end of my CBT course I did consider asking to be the plant in the room, the one who has been through the course, but is there to go through the course again, and try and get things moving. Sure the tutors are doing their best, but from speaking to them, the drop out rate is high, and our group had a "good" retention rate compared to some. That left me thinking that there must be more that can be done.
In the end the course certainly played its part in my recovery, as did a network of friends, and carefully considered distractions. But I honestly feel that I was very close to not bothering with the course, as my blogs show. Had I had some understanding and encouragement from someone who got it, earlier in te process, I might have started feeling a bit more positive sooner.

I applaud anyone who trains to work in mental health. It is a huge problem for our nation, and one which is only getting better. Lack of funding, not enough genuine cases being recognised, but for me, the biggest issue is the lack of understanding in what really helps people in such crisis.


So I am off to scour the internet fr ways I can be more helpful to others. I will also be speaking to my favourite GP about the matter when we meet on Tuesday. I know she won't have the answers, but it is a start, and keeps my mind heading in the right direction.
Any thoughts on how I can get involved are welcomed, so please drop me an email or similar.

Thanks for reading, and here's to getting a better understanding for those suffering.

Every dog has its day...

Everything in life has a finite time span for being relevant. And when the day comes when it is no longer king of the hill there are two ways to go. Gracefully, or kicking and screaming.

For me, going out gracefully, and being remembered for your greatness and service is far more appealing that throwing tantrums and having to be removed by security. Remembered only for that last childish outburst.

Of course, the reasons for falling from the top are plentiful, so I suppose your actions are sometimes determined by what happened to bring it all about.

Imagine, spinning plates, putting on an amazing show and gathering a crowd to watch your amazing show. As the crowds gather, and the spotlight gets brighter, you lose concentration on the plates.
As the first one hits the floor, you turn in panic to react to the situation, frantically running back and forth trying to keep things going. One by one, they drop and smash, until finally you have managed to get 10% of them safely spinning again.
Turning back to your adorning crowd, unsurprisingly most are gone!

Looking to where they have gone, you see them across the way at a different attraction. Not plate spinning, but juggling. So you have two choices, keep your plates spinning, and protect what you have left. Keep the remaining audience happy. Or take your plates down, give up on your show, and start throwing them at the juggler and its audience, hoping to take them down as well as yourself. The old "if I can't have it, you can't have it" play.

Usually if you go with the latter, you tend to be remembered for your last actions, and not the shows before that.

By now you are probably wondering what the hell I am talking about, so let's cut the bullshit, and get to the crux of the matter.

When a local forum runs its course, and stops adapting to the changing population of the area it covers, and allows political and personal beliefs to drive how it is run, it can start to lose its following.  Failure or refusal to allow certain topics or opinions to be aired can also lead to a very closed environment, and become unattractive to not only the current local residents and users, but also to the every growing new population.

So another one pops up, fresh and open minded. It starts to attract your current audience, and gathers pace rapidly. The two ways to approach it are a/ keep going, its no threat, its a different approach, or b/ go to war and throw everything you have at it, including your dignity.

Having been at the forefront of forums, from back in early 2000 until about 2006 running a very popular online community. Lots of people and opinions. Lots of random conversations turning into life changing matters. Friendships forged, leading to marriage and the birth of children. I think it's fair to say that it was quite challenging. But with the birth of Facebook, and the changing times, the day came when it was done. Allowing that to happen progressively, and folding at the right time meant I retained all the friendships I had made, and the whole venture is remembered fondly.

In this case, the local community is not following this model, and instead of being sensible about it, and rolling with things, the owner has decided war is the only way.
Now, let me be honest here. As the plates started falling, the right thing to do is salvage what you can, then start putting plates back on poles, newer more colourful ones, and attract the crowd back. If you want to fight hard, go for it, but show you have something worth fighting for. Don't start throwing plate fragments, hitting your old audience with them, and hope they will come back to see the same old show again.

Sadly, this is not the approach taken, and rather than going with a two pronged approach of promotion and revamping, a route of "destroy the other forum" has been taken.
Reporting of advertising to local authorities, sock puppet accounts on the new forum, trying to stir things up, only to run away and ask for it all to be removed again, constant changing of topic names on the old forum to mimic the new one, buying Google Adwords relating to the new one and pointing them at your own forum, buying domain names again hoping to snare people looking for the other one.
As someone recently said, "imitation is the greatest form of flattery" , and it IS ! So very true.

Sadly it doesn't end with imitation, and goes further to manipulation. Messing around with Wikipedia editing entries in your favour, deleting entries by the new forum, rewording entries to your own advantage. Lets get something straight, Wikipedia is NOT a playground, or somewhere childish battles should be fought. Now it is starting to get pathetic, and borderline personal.

So, Steve....
Where does all this end?
I know there is a strong revenue stream for you from your forum, somehow managing to bamboozle your advertisers into believing that the 40,000 visitors a month (85-90% of which are search bots I presume) and the 6,000 members (of which about 15 still use the forum, and 1,500 are probably sock puppet accounts of your own and others) somehow generate value for money. Surely anyone with any dignity and common sense can see that the interaction on the forum has dropped away to a borderline sustainable level now. But I suppose as long as you can keep prying money out of their hands, you feel like it is a worthwhile venture to keep going.

Sadly, it seems, that actually giving a toss about the local community and their needs is the bottom of the importance list now, if even still on it at all. If it were of any interest, I am sure the forum would have been upgraded over time, and offered more to its user than admin filtered PM's, personal vendettas with users occasionally blocking their account as you don't like what they said, and disappearing posts because they don't interest you, you don't agree with them, or simply don't like the person who posted it.... Without ever meeting them, that's the hilarious part.

When the new forum popped up, it was launched with the intention of filling a gap in the online resources of the local community. A friendly and social approach to get people working together with others in their community, and a fresh spin on an old idea. Getting people out from behind their screens, being real people not just a user name, and creating a happy and self supporting community for the SE23 area.
Not a threat, not a take-down, not a local coup, just something new. Plenty of space for both to co-exist, with the option along the way to work together or benefit from the growth.

What we have ended up with instead is a full on pissing contest. The old vs the new. Offended somehow that someone else would dare to offer the local community (in which they live) a breath of fresh air, and some new options. It is an evolving world where options are obligatory, and people expect to be giving a choice. So to somehow take offence that this would happen is a little small minded.
Surely if you felt that you had something real to offer SE23, you would make an honest and open stand. Come out from behind the "Admin" moniker , speak openly, have your say and show you care. Stand up for the cause you apparently believe in so much.
Rather than hiding behind fake forum accounts, sabotaging online references, and trying to trick people onto your forum by using pseudonyms similar to the new forum.  All I see so far are cowardly sucker punches in the dark, which consist of damaging the name of an upstart, rather than justifying the continued use and following of what is quite frankly an old, tired forum which exists on fitting in with the online clique.

I hope that the stupid behaviour ends soon, and the people of SE23 can make a good, honest, well educated decision of which forum is right for them, and maybe even use both.

On a serious note, do things openly and in your own name. If you truly believe you are fighting for a good honest cause, do it with dignity, and show the community you are trying to convince you care, that you really do!
As for the advertisers...

PLEASE NOTE..
These are the sole opinions and comments of Michael Snasdell (real name, feel free to Google me) and not those of any other forum for the SE23 area, or anywhere else.
Any name calling is driven by my own opinions and interactions (online) with Steve Shaw and se23(dot)com

My recovery from depression.

It has been a while since I sat down and put fingers to keyboard about my depression, so with yesterday marking the end of my 12 week CBT course, I thought it would be a good time to take a look back at where I was 5 months ago, and where I have reached in my recovery.

Along the way there have been many revelations, from who I now see at my support network, to how I perceive life in general and my interactions with people.

Back in Nov 2015 I started to see signs that I recognised as the start of depression. Low moods, withdrawing from interactions, trouble sleeping then staying in bed, avoiding doing things. All classic signs for me that something is not right, and an early warning that things are about to go badly wrong. Sadly by the time you realise what is happening, it is almost impossible to maintain control. You are along for the ride, however long it may take.

Once I was sure I was spiralling out of control, I reached out as quickly as possible to people I know and trust to try and give me the boost I needed, and the support I knew they would offer to try and see me through this bout of depression I knew was upon me.

It all started when I had a bit of a moment with a friend in a local cafe. Chatting to Sarah I realised all was clearly not well, and subsequently took a couple of hours off work to try and collect myself a bit. Telling my then manager how I was feeling, I felt that I was now safe if anything further were to happen.
The following week I was scheduled off work on annual leave, and as the week progressed, I realised things were just getting worse. The day I was meant to return to work I went to see my GP. At the time she was new to me, having never seen or spoken to Dr Paul, I was really anxious about who I was going to face, and even writing myself a script of how to explain what I was feeling and going through to this new person. To my surprise, Dr Paul turned out to be amazing, and set me up for a good recovery.

Anyway, the previous entries in the blog probably explain what I went through during my lowest points better than I can recall these days, but this is about what happened next, and where I am now.
I have put off writing this for a number of weeks as things have continued to change, so didn't want to get ahead of myself.

By the end of the CBT course, I felt truly on top of things, and was attending more for the rest of the group than myself. Or at least that is my perception of it. Reaching the stage where I felt I could help others was very rewarding, and gave me a lot of confidence back. So with hindsight I am really glad I stuck the course out. At the beginning I really didn't get it, and thought I was wasting my time being there, but as the course went on, and the group started to form a friendship, it all started to work.

Released back into the free world, I was not fully engaged in my fitness. Running, cycling, entering group events etc, and really enjoying myself. As confidence built, so did curiosity, as did self confidence, leading me to explore matter which were closer to my heart, literally. Sadly for one reason or another, I started to revert back to my submissive, "must please others"way of thinking , and I slipped.

A slip which has been rather expensive to me, and set me back some way. Backing away from what kept me occupied, allowing my brain its freedom to wander, really didn't work well for me at all, and still to this very moment I am paying the price. I guess I am not as "all new" as I thought I was, and old habits die hard! The one hiccup and break from fitness has continued far longer than planned, and I dearly need to get back into my stride, literally. I have a 5km event at the weekend, which I hope will kickstart me.

As the weeks have gone on, I have sunk back into deep thought, too much time in bed, and not enough activity. Telling myself each evening, early to bed, and out for a run in the morning, it is yet to happen. The closest I got the other day was going for a 46 mile ride, and that in itself was only inspired by making plans for the day ahead, and being proactive in case they didn't happen. (which they subsequently didn't)
It's a horrible feeling. Nowhere near depression, but a real downturn in my moods and energy, and I hate it!

That said, I know my symptoms are not THAT bad, as I proved at the weekend.
Saturday was a busy and interesting day, with a little bit of fun with the kids mixed in. So Sunday I thought I would probably take it easier. I had made lunch plans, but was mildly confident that something would come up and they would not happen. So I got up early, rode into town and met a friend for breakfast, then carried on riding til a good distance was done.
Lunch plans cancelled, I set out to the shops to buy lunch for one. Mid-way to the shops I received a DM on Twitter from a friend. All very strange. She said we had a mutual friend, and that they were both heading for to Wembley for a Bruce Springsteen concert, with a spare ticket, and would I care to join them. Seeing who my company would be, I didn't think twice. OK I did, but very quickly.

Rushed home, let the dogs out quickly and headed for the train.
Meeting them at Canada Water I was excited, in great like minded company with Gemma and Edel, off we went to see The Boss!
My greeting from Edel was very nice indeed, and a much needed huge hug. Everyone loves a hug, right! I know I do, and don't get anywhere near enough of them. Doggy cuddles don't count.

A great evening was had by all, and while we waited for the queues for the station to subside a little, we got into some very deep conversations. It was enlightening and relieving to realise how alike the three of us are, and right on each others doorsteps too. That knowledge alone has made me feel a lot better, so thank you Edel for mentioning me to Gemma, and getting the ball rolling. Strange how things work out isn't it.

While my mind was put to rest by this event, other areas of my mind are still all over the place. Falling into my famous old traps of getting involved and engrossed far too deeply with things. Rushing in eyes wide shut, then opening them once deep inside, and realising I'm out of my depth. A place I find myself right now, on a number of different planes. One day I will learn how to avoid such situations. But until then, I need to master getting my head out of the situations, without backing away from it entirely. That is what usually leads me to being a recluse. An existence I do not enjoy.

I am fed up of battling my mind. Reading too much into things, over thinking other things. But most of all I am pissed off with myself for this slip up from healthy eating and training. Yes, I am having a lot of physical discomfort recently, something I need to address, and maybe even see my GP about. But in the meantime, I need to start getting up earlier, not being afraid of quiet time (that my mind will run away with me) and just get on with being me.


So am I recovered?
Tough one really. I don't feel anywhere near as bad as I did. Maybe I am just over doing it, and getting run down? That's a possibility for sure. Maybe I will go with that, and just set myself some goals again. Get motivated, and get off my arse.

5km Olympic Park run at the weekend.
London to Brighton ride the weekend after
Pru 100 a few weeks later.

I have a lot to get ready for, as well as some other pending events too, to add to the list.

Surely the above listing is more than enough motivation? We shall see.

Thanks for reading as ever. I shall post something more inspiring soon, I hope.

Aaaah.... Now I get it!

It's amazing how at times you can struggle for hours, days or even months to try and explain something. Usually it is an action or something very complicated that needs to be put in just the right way to make clear exactly what your point or conclusion is. Other times is can be something so very simple. A few lines, just to drive home the desired message, and give, what seems trivial to others, some clarity.
Anyone who knows me knows just how complex my brain can be about the smallest of matters, and how sometimes I can dwell on something, fixate on it to a point of destruction of the said situation. Usually ending in more misery and confusion, for me at least.

It will also  am sure, not go unnoticed that I can also be a bit of a word smith at times, and find a way to convey a message or opinion in such a way that the whole world can understand (or so it feels at times). So imagine the quandary for me finding myself in a situation I understand, but can't express! It's painful.

There have always been two sides to my thought process, maybe more at times depending on the situation and reward offered by it. But let us concentrate on the two main sides. There is the side that sees things logically, for their true worth and intentions. Accepting things for what they are, like any other rational person. Then there is the self destructive side, the voice of doubt and negativity. Again, everyone has this side, but for most it is just the voice of reason, making us consider things for their worth before jumping in head first. A good thing for most, swaying us away from situations we would otherwise allow ourselves to do things, only to regret them later.

Sadly for me the negative side of my thought process is far too active, and manages to get involved in the simplest of situations and run amok through my mind, complicating things which are otherwise pretty simple and harmless. This happens all too frequently, and when it does, it leaves behind a path of destruction every time. Sometimes damaging important things. Then, rather than feeling regret and sorrow, it barrels on with no recourse, and justifies things in a way where I am meant to feel I am better off thanks to the stupid actions. The negative side will always see it as a win, while the downtrodden normal side can see the true magnitude of what has happened.

So, back to the point of this entry.
Recently the negative side of my mind has been hard at work, trying to push me back down the slope of depression. Taking things which have felt positive, and turning them against me. Each time managing to get me back down the slope, and back into isolation. Seemingly alone and isolated is somehow safer than being in the real world and exposed to the risk of hurt or harm.

Trying to convey that however has been really hard for me, especially in certain situations. But yesterday, during a tattoo sitting of all things,*POP* the negative bubble surrounding the matter burst, and my ability to express EXACTLY what I have been trying to for a long time came flooding back.
I have said since my CBT sessions started, I need counselling, not some sort of brain washing radicalisation to make me conform the to text book way of thinking and rationalisation. It seems I was right. I have had some of my greatest moments of clarity while being tattooed, maybe that is why I seem to have a growing number of pieces. Do I really seek the sensation of a tattoo in order to trigger my mind, a jump-start of sorts. I think in a way I do! Hardly an epiphany for me, I have considered this possibility a number of times over the years. Having had some tattoos done as almost a time out from real life.

To finally see a matter for exactly what it is. See how simple it really is, and not at all scary or complicated like negative mind wants you to believe. It is SO refreshing, empowering and exciting. Of course, sometimes the clarity comes too late, and while it makes perfect sense, re approaching  a situation in which the dust has now settled is somewhat counter-productive, and this is also quite frustrating, as you are left with something wonderful that you are unable to share. What should be a fix could actually turn it into a massive clusterfuck.

Either way, to finally walk clear of the fog on the path, and be able to see again is wonderful. An analogy I used to use when helping a friend through tough times. We all lose our way at times, and stumble from the path, sometimes the fog closes in and we cannot see our way. Instead of panicking and running scared, it is wiser to slow down, retrace our steps, and allow the fog to clear before carrying on any further. For me, the fog is well and truly clear, and I can see. Visibility is still low, I'm not sure where the road leads, but I know I will see whatever is coming before it happens now, and have no reason to fear the things my negative mind has led me to believe previously.

I can see the wonderful things people have done for me over the last few months, the wrong turns I have taken, and the speedbumps along the way which have upset the load a bit. Slowing the journey down now, I can overcome speedhumps with caution, and see where I am going, so hopefully no more wrong turns, well, not big ones anyway.

So this blog really is a thank you to Michelle more than anything. A friend (who charges me for her time and scars me for life lol) who has a wonderful way of seeing things, and an amazing ability to connect with me, in the way I usually connect with others, and dig deep enough to find the root to each of my problems. I am used to being the one who manages to dig around in peoples minds to help them see what is bothering them, and once I realised that, I found it rewarding to know I could help others. So I hope you too have found reward in what you do, knowingly or otherwise.

I know I have caused some upset along this journey, and won't say for one second that none of it was intentional, that would be a lie. But there are things that have happened which should not have, misunderstandings, and some huge moments where I have failed to consider the impact of my words or actions, which has led to awkward and sometimes painful situations, for which I am truly sorry.
While taking the time to realise I have to do what is right for me, and me only, which has only come recently. My conversations with close friends has made me realise lots of people need that level of control in their lives, and it is NOT selfish or ignorant, it is necessary and normal to protect what is precious to you, at any cost!

I also realise while I manage to pigeon hole people in my life, in an order of trust and importance, so do others. And just because they hold a prime pigeon hole in your life, you may not rank the same way in theirs. Not a bad thing, just a reality of life. Of course you can be upgraded and moved around as life goes on, but it is not for us to decide our place in other peoples lives.

Right, that's enough of that.

Thank you to the special people in my life, in the top row. I shall try to grow from this and respect whatever place you have for me in your life.

Single forever.

Sad as it sounds,  but it f recent events have taught me anything,  it's that I am destined to be single. Now I know that sounds dramatic,  and maybe a little self pity in there too,  but it's not like that at all.

When I say destined,  I mean by my own hand,  and not that on others. The more I look at my life,  my needs,  and how I conduct myself,  the more I realise that the chances of finding someone compatible is very slim. Add to that my reluctance to go through the mill over and over til I find such a person,  and there you have it.  Destiny.

I have had my fair share of relationships,  long,  short,  simple and stupidly complex.  A couple of times I have come close to feeling like things were as good as they get,  but getting back up from an encounter so close gets harder and harder.

Over the past few months I have been to hell and back with complex feelings and thoughts.  Attempts at connecting with people, and the realisation that I'm just not very good at it.  Unfortunately failed connections lead to a huge amount of self loathing, not to mention confusion in my already fried brain.

It's impossible not to feel the cause of these failures,  or just poor attempts,  and adding them to the trail of destruction that I already leave in my wake,  and it all becomes a bit too much to deal with.

Friendship is where it's at.  The best times are had with people you trust to be within an inch of your soul. Tighter within the inner circle than some can imagine a friend can be. Trust give you unlimited belief in yourself and what you and others can do together,  and washes away any inhibitions you may hold.

Again,  recent months have taught me this,  and knowing I have a handful of people in my life willing to put up with me through my lows,  and let me in when they feel the same way. It shows me a bond exists which I never thought possible. One which has no price,  no end game.  Just loyalty and trust to the death.

Thank you to anyone who has opened themselves up to me during this time,  and sorry to anyone who I leave in my wake. Sorry for anything I may have done to you, and sorry you could not have the bond with me that others have sought and found.

Sometimes we need to take a step back from a situation we are in to truly appreciate it's value to us in life. Not always for the better though. Sometimes we are released from a situation we believed made us happy,  but in truth just held us frozen in time,  with no place to go,  and  no vision for a future. So here's to those who have set us free from such situations. Regardless of their intentions for this release,  from afar,  aside from the pain it causes us to be torn away,  it is relief,  and  a second chance at our own lives.

So,  going back to my point,  I would take friendship with wonderful people,  great times with great minds,  and the security of knowing we form a bond together which protects us throughout our lives. Than gambling it all on "the one" and distance my self from great people,  for the isolation of the company of one.

Does it make me sad? Of course it does. The embrace of another,  the warmth of a loving soul by your side is something amazing. Something I have longed for for many years now,  but failed to find. The warmth of another is by far the greatest thing I miss from a relationship.  Not the ego,  not the sex,  just the simplicity of the desire of another,  and feeling safe in the arms of someone who cares.

So there you have it. Months of depression,  soul searching and confused situations,  all wrapped up in one simple blog entry.

To friends,  and simplicity.

Time, it's a strange old thing.

Time, the ticking clock of life, never stopping til our final breath. Constant in rhythm, but not in its direction.
I have had a lot of time recently to look back at my life, and make comparisons of then and now on many fronts. The deeper I have dug, the more I have realised about myself, and if I am honest, the more I have grown confused about who I am now. The thought process isn't a controlled one, nor a voluntary one. More something that imposes itself upon me at the most inopportune moments possible. Like when trying to relax or get some sleep.

Anger. That is the first thing I realise that has changed about me. People use the term "he has mellowed with age", and while it seems a bit cheesy, I have to say it is the case with me. I can look back and remember times when anger got the better of me, for the right and wrong reasons. Kicking a moving car as it jumped a red light almost hitting my new born daughters buggy, then chasing the driver down, who turned out to be huge, but not backing down. Punching through a panel in a door after a very emotional conversation with my daughters mum, telling me I couldn't see my daughter. Which resulted in slicing through my hand, gushing with blood, and having to call my heavily pregnant sister at work to ask her to come and help stop the bleeding.
The last true episode of frustration and anger I recall is when I had my Golf, back in about 2006, getting frustrated with the rear wiper I was trying to fix, knocking a few tools out of the toolbox, and losing it, and emptying the contents out, causing my then girlfriend to get very upset.

There have been many examples before that, but time has indeed mellowed me, or something has. While I still shout abuse when frustrated, and occasionally get mad at others on the road, the bulk of the anger is all in the past. Or should I say, the bulk of all irrational behaviour is history.

Then there is sadness to the point of crying. One of the emotions I really wish I hadn't lost, but went a long long time ago. The pressure valve that is crying, is a helpful one in life. When it all gets too much, it's nice (from what I recall) to just let it all go, and feel a bit better without all that emotion clogging you up inside. My last recollection of crying was around 2002, and if I recall correctly Simon Watts was the poor sod who had to listen to me blubbering on the phone for ages. But remembering back to then, I actually can, I remember by the end of the conversation feeling relieved. If you compare the need to crying to the need to pee, once it starts relief begins, and by the end of it, all is much better. Strange comparison, forgive me.

There have been lots of times in the past 13 years where crying probably would have really helped me out, but alas it doesn't happen. I get choked up, I get teary eyed, but that's as far as it goes. The death of loved ones, sad news shared with others, hell even emotional endings to films. Nothing sets the tear ducts in full motion these days, and quite frankly it sucks. I know people say some people cry too much, and I'm sure it's a chore to cry at everything, but bottling it up for years and years... That really isn't nice. If I ever do cry again, I might actually need to be put on a drip to keep me hydrated.

Other needs and emotions seem to have changed too. Like I would kill for a no strings cuddle up on the sofa with a take away and a movie, over a crazy lust filled chase for gratuitous sex. (NO, I am not saying I don't like sex anymore lol). I guess as you experience things in life, you learn what matters and what doesn't. The past decade has taught me some very valuable lessons in that department, including what physical acts are important to me over others. I know this is all a bit strange to share, but it's never stopped me in the past, so why get shy now eh.
I read an article this morning actually saying that five good long hugs a day are good for you, and it stimulates certain centres in the brain. The article is here... http://time.com/4042834/neuroscience-happy-rituals/

The content I refer to here is this part.

So hug someone today. And do not accept little, quick hugs. No, no, no. Tell them your neuroscientist recommended long hugs.
Via The Upward Spiral:
A hug, especially a long one, releases a neurotransmitter and hormone oxytocin, which reduces the reactivity of the amygdala.
Research shows getting five hugs a day for four weeks increases happiness big time.

So any offers from any of my cute female friends to help me out with this one is appreciated. Til then, it's just me an my Primark pillow :'(
But seriously, of the few I have had over recent times, it is somewhat true. A hug can feel so warm and reassuring. Hence sofa snuffle over bedroom fumble.

Back when mum was about, I was living as the son role. Even though I was grown up, mentally I still just had fun and didn't care much for the consequences. In later years, looking after her, and having to take responsibility, and get a grip on actual adult living came as quite a shock. No more safety net, and worse still, I had lost my outlet of impartiality. Now and forever more when confiding information, or just blowing off steam, choosing the right person was imperative. Naturally I think at this point I stopped being totally open. And the bottling up of thoughts and emotions begun.
I know I am open on here, but trust me there are so many more things I would not dare share openly, or in fact with another person. Trust for me is hard to find.

And there we have the next thing that time has changed. Trust.
Once upon a time, although I would not open my heart to people, I trusted a few to carry some of my darker secrets. In recent years, there is no other way to say it than I have been betrayed. Hung out to dry and offered for sacrifice, in one case almost to the point of losing my job. Yet the same people who did these things happily speak to me when the mood suits as if there is nothing wrong. Even enquiring about personal matters, like I am going to share anything like that with the backstabbing arseholes. Not just the work issue, but other times when a closely guarded secret has suddenly been discussed with others, putting me in an awkward position.
I like to think I am a pretty open book, and a straight shooter. Want to know how I feel about something? Simple, ask me. You might not like what you hear if the question is about yourself, but I will do my best to convey my feelings on the matter.
So over the years I have learned not to trust people. Sadly that leaves a select few to be burdened with all my inner most thoughts. Sorry about that.

Time changes people, it's true. But more to the point our experiences in life, over time change us, and make us the people we are today. In my case I am not sure that is such a good thing. I would not go as far as to say I am broken, but I certainly feel like some experiences in life have had a negative impact on me.
After my daughter I lost interest in having any more kids, even if the relationship had presented the opportunity, I would shy away for sure. Having been through something so traumatic as to lose contact for so long, 17 years almost now, the thought of taking that chance again scared the shit out of me for years.
That's just one example of how my past has changed me. Before that happened I couldn't wait to be a dad. Sad really.

I will wrap up by saying how I realise how much recent times have again changed me, and when it comes to self confidence, approaching situations where rejection is possible, or just laying myself bare for judgement in any walk of life, I am weak!

Oh well. Time to rebuild I guess eh.

I don't get it!

How can I go from feeling so positive, to quite frankly, so shit in such a short space of time. I mean, I do get it, it's what the bastard brain is capable of doing, but even though I understand it, it is SO frustrating knowing you can't do a thing about it.

Today I woke feeling sore from lots of walking and activity over the past few weeks. As I have said before, walking and music are my two escapes from the feeling of total madness that I fall into if I don't keep my mind occupied with simple things. Planning to take it easier than recently, I first took a walk to the GP's to get myself a telephone consult with my doctor. Having spoken to the company doctor the other day, and taking his suggestions on board, I thought I would approach my doc with the recommendation of the increase in meds to get things stable. No point taking up a face to face, so a quick call should do the trick. That will be on Wednesday now.

After walking back home again, a few miles round trip in all, I took the dogs out. Now already walking more than I planned but my mind was starting to run away with me, so I did it to maintain control. Getting home I found I had a letter from the Psychological Therapy dept, with an appointment, for January. So in all so far it will have been 6-8 weeks to get to see someone to start the process. Or so you would think. But apparently the hour I spent on the phone a couple of weeks ago, answering questions, explaining myself, and doing the grading questionnaire wasn't enough. So my appointment in a couple of weeks time will in fact be.... An assessment... AGAIN ! So still no sign of actual help yet.

To say that makes me feel helpless is an understatement to say the least. I know the service is under a lot of pressure. But having approached my GP in early Nov, getting an appointment for January to assess me kinda sucks. Given that by assessment they acknowledge they are so far unaware of the extent of the situation.

With that slight hint of negativity I nose dived this afternoon, and by 1pm I was so tired I had to sleep. Brain just not wanting to keep thinking at the time, so back to bed I went. Waking a couple of hours later, feeling crap about myself, and in a worse state than when I went to bed in the first place. On waking my first thought was to go back to sleep. Since then I have tried to watch some TV, tried to do some bit around the house and failed on most counts. Resorting in the end to going for another walk, from which I have just returned. With a angry calf muscles, and very sore feet. I know I am not doing my body any favours doing this, but it's the lesser of two evils, so the body loses every time.

Speaking of the body, my latest thing is self loathing. Angry at myself for falling out of good shape, hating what I have become, and struggling with if I can even do anything about it. I have the equipment, I have the knowhow, but to actually get into the routine of it again seems impossible right now. I want to look good for me, I want to feel good about myself, and lets be honest, I want to be attractive to potential girlfriends. I would love to get into the best shape of my life next year. There is no real reason I can't, I just need the fire in my belly, and the encouragement of  some people around me to spur me on. But right now, all I can do is hate what I have become.

What I have become is over weight, under confident, unmotivated, and inward. Constantly questioning myself, looking back on past events in life, both recent and a long time ago, and wondering if I was a different person back then. Was that me, or is this really me? What changed, and what did I do over and over to get me into the place I am today. I don't think I am a bad person, but I know I have done some mean things over the years, not given people the attention or respect they deserved, and maybe that is coming back to bite me in the arse now? My retraction from interaction speaks volumes about how I feel about myself right now. Choosing only to communicate with a very limited group of people that I feel "safe" to speak with. No complications or awkwardness, no unexpected changes of subject. Just calm conversation.

And that's another thing. How two-faced do I feel at times. I can see someone I am comfortable around, and be happy, laugh and smile. Just opening up to them feels natural and good for me. With the chosen few I feel I am being the real me, the proper 100% actual me, the person I remember I am in times of clarity. Yet with others, and I apologise for this to you all, I am awkward, cold, and silent. Choosing not to even answer messages in case a question turns into a conversation. Avoiding silly things like a call to the Reebok engineer to get my cross trainer serviced, as I don't want to talk to strangers. Stupid as that sounds, I really can't bring myself to do that, or other calls right now. Unfortunate, as having a fully working cross trainer would be quite handy right now. Maybe I will try and call tomorrow ( like I have said for 2 weeks now).

I really didn't realise I was going to write so much right now. I know there is a lot in my head, that I have been unable to blog recently because of the lack of enthusiasm to sit at the desk and type, a lot of things building up and making matters worse for me. It is a really horrible feeling to know there are things I can do to make life easier, but not have the get up and go to do them. Almost trapped in my own head, by my malfunctioning brain. So much energy of varying sorts, all building up waiting to explode out of my mind.

With Xmas fast approaching, and the seasonal road trip to Wales, I am hoping I can get some fresh air, and relax my mind a little once the duties are taken care of. I feel bad though because in my head right now I don't want to see Chris and Dyfrig who I make a point of seeing every year. As much as I love our conversations, and how welcome I am made to feel, right now I can't bare the thought of sitting in the house and looking back over what has been quite a challenging year. I am sure I will do something to make amends for the lack of visit in person, but still feels wrong at the moment.

Right, I am going to leave it there as my concentration is waning a little and I may start to ramble more than I already am.

Just a quick thank you to those who continue to offer support and friendship, regardless of if I have accepted it or passed on it, I appreciate it all. My choices of who I am turning to right now in no way reflects how I feel about people in general, so please don't take what might appear as ignorance or shunning as a negative, it isn't something I feel I have control over right now.

On another note, and quite a macabre one, while I am struggling right now, and really fighting to stay active and in communication with the outside world, I can say thing with confidence, as I have said in person to a few people. I have no ill intent towards myself, no wish to no longer be around, or to harm myself. Strange as it sounds I know depression and anxiety affects people differently, and because of that it is a natural concern for some to have when they know a person they know is struggling a bit.
I promise that should that feeling ever change, phones would start ringing, doorbells would be rung, and I would reach out as soon as the first thought ever entered my mind.  So please don't worry about that, especially if I am not talking to you much right now.

OK, done, thanks and well done if you read this far.  Til next time.

I'm not you

Just something I have to get off my chest, and mean no offence by it. But I really need to speak my mind about it.

Over the past days and weeks, and even during the last period I was like this, people have been pretty good about speaking to me. Some bravely sharing their own experiences, some with great pick me up conversations, and others with the right intentions, but missing the mark. OK and a few who just really don't get it at all.

A few pointers.. Chin up, cheer up, don't stress, it's gonna be ok... All things you say to someone when they have just punctured a tyre, dropped a glass, or deleted a file they wanted. NOT things you say to people who are suffering with depression, anxiety or stress etc. I know it seems the right thing to say or do. I know it works when your mate just got brushed off by the girl they like, but this ISN'T the normal thought process here, and it is really not that simple.

Now I know we all have lows in our lives, some are listed above. There are things in day to day life that can make us feel pretty shitty for a while. Simple things, missed opportunities, rejections, or accidents. They all give us a sense of doom and gloom. But seeing the right person, hearing the right thing, or going to the right place makes it all seem like its OK again, and in no time you get over it.
The same when you are up against the clock, need to get so many things done at work or at home before time runs out, that feeling of stress, and momentary loss of ability to think straight. But it passes once the tasks are done, and is followed by relief and jubilation.

What you feel at that moment is certainly not nice. And when you are asked by someone what is up it is common to day how depressed you feel. Which is a fair comment, as you emotions are under pressure, you feel down, depressed fits.
When you work colleague asks you why you are so flustered, and you tell them "I'm so stressed, I have so much to get done" , again it's a fair assessment, and you are indeed feeling the effects of stress.

What I want to explain though it, as much as you know how it feels to experience those pressures, and emotions, and you can empathise with others who are under the cosh, there is a difference.
When you merely feel the pressure, but know why, can rationalise it, and understand the external pressures which are affecting you right now, be it a rejection for a job, or the workload of a current job, you can not only understand why you feel how you do, you also know that when that moment has passed, normality will return.

The difference for someone suffering with long term stress, depression, anxiety is quite simply, its irrational. Sure the initial trigger might make sense. Losing someone close to you, relationship break-up or something smaller and less significant like trouble at work, or just a lot to get done. So pretty much the same as the above. The real difference starts when simple, mundane tasks that you carry out daily without even thinking about, start to become problematic. You start over thinking , making easy things complicated or even impossible. Shy away from things you have done for years, and you mind reaches such a point of confusion, that it starts to shut down. Block things out, ignore important aspects of life like communication and personal care. Until it reaches a point where you cannot function properly.

Shutting out external forces is usually the first thing to happen. After all that is where most of the unwanted pressure is coming from, so eliminate that ASAP.
Then the differences between individuals start to appear. Functioning or non-functioning are the options. Some people struggling with life can go on like nothing has happened, go to work, coexist, and try to socialise. Others go the opposite way and become non functioning, shutting themselves away from everything, refusing help, and denying that anything is wrong.

Acknowledgement is key in both cases, and both realising and admitting that something is wrong is one of the hardest parts to come to terms with, let alone admitting to others. Partially because of the way people interpret what you mean when you say you are suffering with depression. As I said above, a lot of people don't have a clue what is going on in your mind, but try, sometimes too hard, to reassure and empathise. Sadly the effect of this misunderstanding is you will more than likely block this person out from any future attempts at help.

Where we go from here is very much an individual thing. It is nice and also reassuring that friends have shared their stories with me recently, and similarities clearly exist between our situations. That said, I do not and would not expect them to believe that I fully understand, nor that they fully understand my feelings. Anyone who has been to a true low point knows that it is a very individual feeling.

One thing I do have to say though is, I am NOT brave, bold, or stronger than others for speaking out so openly about this situation. I know people mean well when they say it, and I appreciate the sentiment, it means a lot. But I am no braver than anyone else living an coping with depression. It takes far more strength to fight your inner most thoughts and fear, than it does to write a blog and share some of the less emotive matters in the situation. All I am trying to do by writing this is show others suffering in silence that it is OK to admit how you feel, and you are not alone in the darkness. No one can take the pain from your mind, but sometimes just getting some of it out there and engaging in dialogue, is enough to make the pieces of the puzzle start to fall into place for you. A 5 min conversation can lead to days of clearer thoughts, and less weight on your shoulders.

My advise to anyone who has a friend, or even thinks a friend might be suffering with mental health issues. IF you have the time and the mindset, IF you care about their wellbeing, IF you can commit to them... Just let them know you are there. A quick "if you ever need a chat" and a reassuring smile, then leaving it alone, can do more than you can imagine. And when the time is right for that friend, and they feel you are the right person to speak to, they will come knocking. If they don't, please don't take offence to it. It's not them snubbing you, it is them making a brave decision, and starting a journey. Just not with you. But please be happy for them, and occasionally, with no pressure implied, remind them you are there. A quick text to say "heya, how's you" goes a long way.

PS, "mental health" merely relates to the wellbeing of the mind, and is a huge umbrella for a whole host of conditions. Someone diagnosed with a mental health issue is not immediately schizophrenic, bi-polar or a self harmer. So please don't be ignorant about it. People should be able to discuss their mental health issues without the above stigma being associated, and it is the ignorant people out there who immediately pigeon hole people like this who compound the issue for those suffering, and in turn prevent them from seeking help.

Right, that's me done. Said more than I intended to, but a brief moment of clarity got me caught up.

Just remember, whether self diagnosed, or clinically diagnosed and medicated for it, mental health issues are different for everyone. You are not me, I am not you. Empathy is fine, complete understanding, and advice like "cheer up" does NOT help.

So, I've been thinking

Probably not the best of ideas, given that its the root of my issues, but I'm only human right! And with no thinking, comes no doing.

Tracking back over the course of the past few weeks, trying to think where it all started to go wrong, it's impossible to say it was one event, if it was even anything I have done or been a part of that is. But I do know that in the past couple of months I have really gone outside my comfort zone, A LOT! Doing things I don't usually do, going to places which don't conform to "the norm" for me, and having thoughts and feelings which I, am in fairness, unfamiliar with.

After much advice and a little pressure, ok a fair bit of pressure, I did the whole "get back out there" thing. And I have to say, as  much fun as it was meeting people, spending time with them, and chatting, it has really taken its toll on me. Just sitting thinking about it now stresses me out. For the short while I bothered engaging with the whole "meet people" sites and apps, I felt obliged to impress or be someone I am not. Fact is, as per other entries, I am no good at that sort of thing, and am rarely as comfortable as I want to be with others.

There is one exception to the above, but things don't always go the way you expect, and sometimes you realise things a little too late.

So looking back, I have to say that trying to get out there and meet new women hasn't really worked out for me. If anything all it has done is allowed me to upset a few lovely people, and damage friendships rather than building new ones.

Then of course there is work, that in itself can really take its toll, and for quite a while now has added to the stressed of day to day life. That said, it has also been a great release too, so I can't honestly say what impact that has had. But can be sure it has played a part in the whole situation. Whether it be the nature of the job, or the environment, well that is another discussion.

My last blog entry on Tuesday mentioned that I might lose my writing brain for a bit, and I have to say, given that it is Saturday now, that seems to have happened. Trying to put paragraphs together is a bit of an effort, and thinking far enough ahead to write this, and keep the flow going is a nightmare. Let alone trying to stay focused on one thing for long enough to make it all make sense.

It's hard to say what impact the medication is having right now, 5 days in it will be having an effect, but as things have been a bit crazy the past few days, its hard to get a baseline. Tuesday evening I contacted a tattooist who's work I love as he said he had availability this week. Confirming Thursday all day was still available, I got thinking on ideas, and took the booking. Within the next 24 hours of conversation I went from one location to be tattooed to another, but stuck fast with my design idea.

The basis of the idea was quite a simple one. But might be awkward to explain. The artist is a new school artist Craig Measures (Instagram link to his work)  so the idea would have to be "cartoon like" I wanted something to relate to my ongoing battle with the day to day persona I have, and the inner me who constantly struggles to get out, so what better cartoon or comicbook character to relate to than The Hulk. Just out of coincidence, one of the things that is really helping me right now is working out. Be it cardio or weights, I have to go into a zone when I am training, so can put everything else on hold. Smack bang opposite my multigym is a huge Marvel mural, and directly opposite where I stand to train is... The Hulk. So the meaning ties in nicely for me.

Now obviously when I get a tattoo from a specific artist, I want their interpretation of the idea, so to jolly the idea up, we went with The Hulk smashing his way through a field of candy, just to put some bold and happy colours in there. Oh and a rainbow in the background, which is open to your own interpretation lol. So 24 hours after the first discussion I headed up to Birmingham for what would turn into a pretty epic day. Like I said earlier, things haven't been normal enough yet to get a baseline of how I'm actually doing.

Late morning we put the transfer on, and put a film on and got started. Anchorman played through, and as it did a couple more people joined us in the studio. Coffee was consumed, as were cookies and other sweet things, and progress was good. Over the course of the next X hours, we got through Anchorman, The Wedding Singer, Wreck It Ralph, Wayne's World and finally 40 Year old Virgin. By the time 40 YOV finished it was just us left in the studio, so it started to play over again, and got about half way through. Leaving at just after 9pm, I had been there for about 10 and a half hours, a fair bit of which was being tattooed. Craig admitted it had taken longer than expected, but was determined to keep his word and get it done in the day.

The end result, a stunning and bold piece, full of colour and character. Just what I needed. That said, the 130 mile drive home after was fun!
So here it is.

Now the downside to having your whole rather large calf tattooed with heavy colour in one go is, walking! As the healing starts, walking becomes rather uncomfortable to say the least. Not impossible, but just a little undesirable. With walking the dogs, and staying active having been my crutch recently, it leaves me in a bit of a bind. Today has been a first for a few things. First blog entry since meds, first dog walk since tattooing, and the first day of mixing with the mass public since doctors too. That went well!

Walking around Sainsburys earlier was a huge wake up call for me. Sitting in your own company it is easy to think that things are going well. But returning to the human race, and dealing with others really hits home just how you feel. Bit like coming home from 2 weeks away back to your home and dogs, and realise how much they stink. Put up with something for long enough and you become desensitised to it, so don't realise how it impacts you. When people put up with crap day in day out (from other people not dogs!) you soon just learn to live with it, and don't see how it affects you. Take a step back for a while, and on your return everything is a lot clearer to you. Then you have to decide what you are, and are not willing to put up with anymore.

Anyway, returning to the main subject before I sign off, thinking!
What I have realised is, with the best of intentions, sometimes things just don't work out. Be it your own ideas, or things others do and suggest, believing its for the best, from time to time the outcome is worse, not better. And then when you mix that with the issues of over thinking things, and anxiety, you are suddenly left with even more mess on your plate, and harder things to think about.

For me, for now, it is back to the depths of my own mind, and looking after myself, and my new tattoo.

Depression comes a knockin.

Before I say another word, I just want to get these few things out there.

Thank you to those who know me best, and understand the strange way my head works at times. And an even bigger thank you to those who go through the same processes and choose to share their thoughts with me. Your company on this journey makes it easier for sure.

Sorry to those who I impose my craziness on at times, who either don't understand what is going on, or would rightfully rather not be a part of it. I try and choose the right people to surround myself with when things start to go tits, up. Sometimes I get it wrong.

And finally sorry to those who don't get it at all. As most people who struggle with their own minds would agree, some things are best left unknown. This is certainly one of them.

Right, enough with the formalities, let's get down and dirty, but more down.... After all, that's what this entry is about.

Over the past week, a week which I have spent off work, some strange things have happened in my head. Totally understandable really, all things considered, but let's take a look all the same.

This week has been the first week I have spent "alone" for about 12-13 years. Not having spent such a long time in almost complete isolation can do strange things to you. Now before anyone jumps down my throat, yes I have kept company with some wonderful people in the past week too, but for the majority of the time, it's been alone. 

Before this week though, towards the end of last week in fact, I had a mini meltdown. Following a conversation with a friend, and some subsequent soul searching, I started to realise things were a little bit wrong upstairs, but skipped over it in the hope that it was just a glitch. However this week, slowly but surely the changes have started and the signs have started to appear that all is not well in paradise.  The last few days being the most telling, getting up later, losing focus on things, lack of motivation to name but a few. The worst of course being the slow demise of quality sleep due to over thinking. Once that part starts, I pretty much know I'm screwed, in the short term at least.

Some self destructive behaviour is the icing on the cake really, and in this case it is starting to consume foods which are usually avoided, and lack of interest in physical effects of them. Just the consumption of a few trigger foods for my gout alone is the sign that things ain't right. Fingers crossed now that I am realising why I'm doing it, I can do what's needed without a flare up of gout. Gout and depression together REALLY suck !

After being all melodramatic on Facebook earlier, I finally managed to speak to someone who gets me, enough to confirm what I was thinking, and get my head on the straight and narrow. We both agreed, I need to see a doctor, and ASAP!

Now before the eyes start rolling, and the tssk's being sounded, let me just say this. If you have not had depression or anxiety before, and I mean clinically recognised rather than just been a bit on edge, and have no idea what it does to your mind and your life, please politely shut the fuck up. 

But he is writing a blog, but he is going out with people, but he made a joke on Twitter.... YES ! Depressed people still live pretty normal lives most of the time, especially when things are just starting to take a downward turn.

Depressed people are humans, and do lots of things that normal people do on a day to day basis. But somewhere under the skin, a part or parts of their life is being shredded by their own mind. There is more than likely nothing wrong with what they are obsessing about, so even from the inside, say for example a work colleague, would not see for a second that something simple and petty is in fact destroying their life right now. 

For me, face to face, with people I know and care about, I am me. Same normal (slightly strange) Michael. Do I want to open up to them and get it all off my chest, of course I do! Will I, of course I won't. My respect for the relationship I have with that person prohibits me from burdening them with all my inner worries, which as I have said already, actually amount to nothing. Have you ever had a conversation with someone who is stressing about something, and it's ended with you both laughing and saying "don't worry about it"? Well, that is pretty much how most conversations would go with someone with anxiety or depression. On this level anyway. There are of course much worse forms, for which I am grateful I do not suffer with.

I know I blog quite a bit about feeling down, and in fairness it is one of the reasons I started blogging anyway, so if you hadn't worked that much out already, no prize for you. Is it attention seeking, another form of the vague status update on Facebook that we have all grown to hate. Hell there are even Meme's about vague status updates floating about, whining on about "attention seekers" etc. Well how about looking at it this way.

A vague status update is indeed attention seeking. But the question is, why?

You see most people who live with depression won't talk about it. And will have either never have spoken to a professional about it, or will just deny it is an issue, even though it has been identified. 

So that vague status update that you are posting Meme's about, or sniping about with other friends on private messages, could well be the subliminal cry for help from someone desperate for someone to speak to, but too afraid or embarrassed to ask. 

Have you ever been told no, or ignored about something trivial? I bet it pissed you off, or at least upset you a bit. Now imagine you are ready to lay it all down, share your innermost worries or fears. You think you know the person you can talk to about it, you build yourself up, and..... nothing! They either give you the "you will be ok" line, ignore you, or ask if you can talk about it another time.
Trust me when I say this, you really only get one shot at opening up about something as deep as this, and a single knockback can send you spiralling into what feels like an eternal pit of doom. 

So as corny as it sounds, next time someone, who doesn't post something vague and cryptic every day, posts a bit of a strange status, if you have the time, and actually care at all, please just drop them a one liner asking if they are ok, or wanted to vent to someone. For someone like me, venting goes a long way. Hell you don't even have to read half the stuff I'm saying, just check for question marks, so questions don't go unanswered. If of course their punctuation is abysmal, tough shit I say, no time for poorly educated depressed people! .... That's a joke by the way, even depressed people can make jokes, especially at the cost of other depressed people! 

Anyway, for me, I have spent the whole evening going back and forth in my mind, do I need to see a doctor, am I just being stupid, is there another reason etc. But the simple fact is, if I am thinking it, I already know the answer. It is just my over thinking, over complex mind trying to, yup you guessed it, over think  the reasons why I would need to. Unfortunately, once that thought process starts, everything gets a little blurry. Bringing in other unrelated issues, trying to see if they play a part in the situation, and before you know it the world is a shitty place, and EVERYTHING is screwed up. 

I know I am just feeling like this, because I am! Not because of breaking up, not because work is a pretty shitty place sometimes recently. And not because of anniversaries, Xmas, lack of diving, missing my mum, wanting more money or any of the other crazy considerations that have entered my mind over recent hours and days. 

To be honest, as usual, just writing most of this stuff down, and knowing I am about to press publish, and throw all my inner most thoughts out there into cyber space for anyone and everyone to read, is helping. But of course it is far from the end of the matter. Medication is something I do NOT desire right not, avoiding as much as I can these days, inc pain killers, so I really don't want to be starting a new daily regiment of pills. Besides, they are only a quick fix, the real fix happens up in my strange little head, and only when I have a clear enough mind to make things right. 

The long and the short of it is, I have been dropping down for over a week now, I have another week off work to come, and somewhere in that time, I am going to be seeing a GP. Sooner rather than later if I can help it.
In the meantime I will be trying to maintain my routine of dog walks, training and other things to keep my mind occupied, and giving me reasons to get out of bed early, leave the house, and take in daylight and fresh air. All key things for me to ensure I do, just to make sure the downward trend at least levels out for now. Fingers crossed as ever, this is me catching myself from falling, and not going to end with me picking myself up from the bottom. It's been about five years since I had any serious issues with depression, and I am hoping that by writing this, I am facing my demons head on, and refusing to bow to their demands. 

Depression sucks, but fighting back at it makes me a stronger person each and every time. Here's to beating it once again, and getting back to being the same annoying idiot people have grown to know and despise.

Thanks for reading.

PS, if you suffer from depression, know this. You are not alone, but each of our journeys are different. I cannot swear to understand your thoughts, nor expect you to understand mine. But we share a common ground of confusion, despair, and lack of hope. On his level we are united, and can support one another. Providing someone to hear our cries, give us strength, and show one another that we can overcome these feelings.

Stand tall, do not be ashamed of saying you can't cope or need help. 

There will always be those who do not, and cannot understand how mentally crippling depression and anxiety can really be. Their ignorance or lack of knowledge should not be seen as lack of compassion or caring, but instead just an inability to truly empathise with you at this time in your life. 

If you have made it this far, but still have no idea what you just read. Thank you, for bothering to carry on reading. I hope that one day, should the need arise, and you experience either the symptoms, or identify someone who is, that this makes sense at last, and helps in some way. 

PPS... To those people who have been around me and made things normal over the past few days, thank you once more. I appreciate it more than I can ever express.  

Laughter and great company

That's all it takes really. To have a good time, to smile, and unwind. But why the hell is it so hard to find that in someone of the opposite sex, and when you do, why is it always with the "it's complicated" ones?
I don't mean complicated as in they are complicated, I just mean the situation is. Not quite a "friend-zone" situation, but really not far from it in some cases.
Before I go any further I just want to say that the relationships I refer to are 100% platonic,

So there are girls in my life from all walks of life. Some of you are even reading this now. Depending what walk you are from, will determine just how much of a prick you think I am being writing this, but hey ho, I can't change your opinion, or what has happened between us.
Ex's, encounters, curiosities, friends, and of course my girl-friends. By girl-friend I mean the sort of female company I like to keep. Shop with, hang out with etc. Oh and I almost forgot, females of interest.

Anyway, I digress a little, as I usually do when writing, my mind shoots off in all different directions. Back to the point.

Obviously it's no big secret that I am single now, and obviously being a human, it's only natural to explore options for companionship. (More than just swiping right!)
There are many ways to do this, from expanding on existing friendships, to looking externally on sites and apps. Something my dear friend Sarah is very keen for me to do lol. Bless ya.

The one question that needs answering in all of these avenues is, what am I looking for? That's a simple question really isn't it. What everyone wants, which is..... ?
OK it's not actually that easy to answer. With a complicated mind comes complex needs and desires. I have sat in silence over recent days, trying to piece together a wishlist, things I want from a relationship. And what I have come up with is..... nothing really! I just can't put my finger on anything that makes sense.
Of course there are things I like, cuddles, company, and someone on my wavelength (which is a strange one in itself) But then there are other things that some people prioritise so highly, that I can live without, or are of no great importance to me.


So far this is making no sense to me, so I am going to change it up a bit....

Here goes a different take on what I am trying to say.

Recently I have spent a lot of time in various forms of female company, from meeting people for the first time, to getting to know people better. With a little mix of hanging out with girls I have known for a while now. And from these interactions I have come to a conclusion. Women are complicated. Either that or I'm in a seriously fucked up position with the women I know and socialise with, and any new woman who may come onto the scene.

Out meeting a lovely lady for the first time the other day, we had a blast. Yup it was a bit awkward at first, but we had fun, got to know each other a bit better, and agreed we will go out again. Coming away from the first meet though, as much fun as I had, I was left feeling nervous, and maybe even a little anxious. I know, you know the right one when you meet them, so maybe this is going nowhere. That said, it't not the first one, and not the first time I have come away feeling like that.
I have never done well with situations like that.
I don't hold out much hope for me meeting strangers and getting to know them. It's a lovely thing to do. But the whole awkwardness of it sucks royally, and really isn't my forte.

Then there are the other girls of my life. The ones who have been around a while, got to know, and have so much fun with.

Like the one today! YES YOU !!! You pain in the arse you!
Apologies for making you feel awkward if it does, but why the hell are you so much fun to be with, chat to, and know in general?
I know the day has been a long time in the making, and that we were both like little kids about it in the minutes up to meeting, meeting protocols by Whatsapp... seriously? lol
I know a lot of the getting to know someone you have been talking to online for a year is all done, but when you are me, that's the easy part. The meeting the real person is the bit that throws me a curve ball.
That said, it was so fluid and natural. Jokes, conversation, and a nice natural feeling. Nothing awkward, creepy or weird about it. Not from my end anyway.
To sit down to lunch with someone I have never met in person, be able to talk about any conversation we choose, and feel 100% comfortable about it is like a dream come true, and happens to me very rarely. Partly because I am a bit of a weirdo at times, and partly because I just don't click with too many women.

This has happened a few times recently, all with people I regularly talk about on the blog, and people who I spend a lot of time talking to. Three of the girls I refer to (ladies, women...) come from all walks of life, different backgrounds, etc, but somehow I click with them all. That natural and open feeling whenever I am around them, it is lovely to experience, and if I had to have something on a "wishlist" (going back to the first attempt at this blog), it would be how they all make me feel. Being three of them gives me a little peace of mind that it isn't simple infatuation, although sometimes I guess I question that.

So one question.... Why the hell can't I find someone that makes me feel like this, to have a relationship with? Holy shit it is SO frustrating. Take physical attributes, wealth, and even the filthy mind away from the deal, I would take the connection over any of those any day of the week. Not to say for one second that I don't believe any of them have any other the above, I have my suspicions haha (sorry).

Each time I spend any period of time with any of the ladies in my life like this, I feel recharged, revitalised, and human again. The conversation part is key I think, feeling so relaxed, and knowing that either party can say whatever is on their mind, and there will be no judgement, not mocking, just advice and understanding, mutually. Hopefully the result is mutual too, and they are not leaving me and going away feeling exhausted and stressed.

So firstly to say thank you to you all, you are bloody fantastic people, and I love ya all to bits, hopefully you know that I am here for you any time of day or night for anything. In a non weird way.

And a separate message to todays little bundle of fun lol. Thank you. For persisting with me, not getting fed up with my weirdness over the last year, and being brave enough to come for lunch today. It was a blast. As good as I can be with words at times, I really can't put into words how much it meant to me. Hopefully you know I don't mean that in a creepy way, but I hope we can do it again, and this time I might even let you speak too.

I guess what I am trying to say in all this is, I'm doomed, and have given up on meeting someone to have a proper relationship with. Hell, I have most things I want in life, and with cool friends like these, I don't need anything else. I have managed fine til now, and in reality am in a richer friend environment than I have been for a long time. Just cut me a little slack if the hugs last a second or two longer than normal... I'm just being friendly lol. (OK that bit was just weird)

Going through this "speak the truth" part of my life is really quite awkward at times, and I find myself saying things like I have above, and wondering how it might be perceived, especially when directed at certain groups of people like this has been. But hey, I'm not going to deny thinking it, so might as well throw it out there. Makes me quite vulnerable but you only live once.


I was encouraged to think again about the above and came up with the following summary of everything above, and to be fair, its probably a bit more honest still..

I am frustrated as fuck being able to have amazing friendships with amazing women, let my defenses down, and be ME (someone not a lot of people get to know)But when it comes to trying to form a relationship with someone, it goes out the window. Barriers, personas, and defensive. Not something I have managed to overcome to date, and I mean in a LONG time. I want to be myself, all the time. The me that has fun, genuine laughter, and a grin from ear to ear thinking about the good times I have shared.

Cheers for that Dave lol