Feeling up tight.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you realise life is starting to get annoying. Suddenly see that you are not relaxed like you used to be?

That's me right now.
I am putting it down to lack of meaningful exercise recently, and the lack of endorphins surging through my body.

Things getting to me, that I would usually just brush off. I am certain (very hopeful at least) that is it not depression creeping up on me. This feels different, just frequently annoyed by things, and unable to shake them off as I usually would.

Feeling fat isn't helping, and it is something I need to get a grip of, my health, not the rolls of fat! I know my health has taken a real beating over the recent months, and it stresses me out. Hatred of myself some days for not making an effort when I know I could have.

Entering a ride in Nov has be back on the right road, and I am hoping more time spent training and getting my body working, will result in a clearer mind, and some direction back in my life. I seem to have forgotten the promise I made to myself back in March when I emerged from depression, that I would look after myself first.

Just writing this short, badly put together entry, just to mark my recognition of this moment, and try and make things more positive from here on in.

I don't get it!

How can I go from feeling so positive, to quite frankly, so shit in such a short space of time. I mean, I do get it, it's what the bastard brain is capable of doing, but even though I understand it, it is SO frustrating knowing you can't do a thing about it.

Today I woke feeling sore from lots of walking and activity over the past few weeks. As I have said before, walking and music are my two escapes from the feeling of total madness that I fall into if I don't keep my mind occupied with simple things. Planning to take it easier than recently, I first took a walk to the GP's to get myself a telephone consult with my doctor. Having spoken to the company doctor the other day, and taking his suggestions on board, I thought I would approach my doc with the recommendation of the increase in meds to get things stable. No point taking up a face to face, so a quick call should do the trick. That will be on Wednesday now.

After walking back home again, a few miles round trip in all, I took the dogs out. Now already walking more than I planned but my mind was starting to run away with me, so I did it to maintain control. Getting home I found I had a letter from the Psychological Therapy dept, with an appointment, for January. So in all so far it will have been 6-8 weeks to get to see someone to start the process. Or so you would think. But apparently the hour I spent on the phone a couple of weeks ago, answering questions, explaining myself, and doing the grading questionnaire wasn't enough. So my appointment in a couple of weeks time will in fact be.... An assessment... AGAIN ! So still no sign of actual help yet.

To say that makes me feel helpless is an understatement to say the least. I know the service is under a lot of pressure. But having approached my GP in early Nov, getting an appointment for January to assess me kinda sucks. Given that by assessment they acknowledge they are so far unaware of the extent of the situation.

With that slight hint of negativity I nose dived this afternoon, and by 1pm I was so tired I had to sleep. Brain just not wanting to keep thinking at the time, so back to bed I went. Waking a couple of hours later, feeling crap about myself, and in a worse state than when I went to bed in the first place. On waking my first thought was to go back to sleep. Since then I have tried to watch some TV, tried to do some bit around the house and failed on most counts. Resorting in the end to going for another walk, from which I have just returned. With a angry calf muscles, and very sore feet. I know I am not doing my body any favours doing this, but it's the lesser of two evils, so the body loses every time.

Speaking of the body, my latest thing is self loathing. Angry at myself for falling out of good shape, hating what I have become, and struggling with if I can even do anything about it. I have the equipment, I have the knowhow, but to actually get into the routine of it again seems impossible right now. I want to look good for me, I want to feel good about myself, and lets be honest, I want to be attractive to potential girlfriends. I would love to get into the best shape of my life next year. There is no real reason I can't, I just need the fire in my belly, and the encouragement of  some people around me to spur me on. But right now, all I can do is hate what I have become.

What I have become is over weight, under confident, unmotivated, and inward. Constantly questioning myself, looking back on past events in life, both recent and a long time ago, and wondering if I was a different person back then. Was that me, or is this really me? What changed, and what did I do over and over to get me into the place I am today. I don't think I am a bad person, but I know I have done some mean things over the years, not given people the attention or respect they deserved, and maybe that is coming back to bite me in the arse now? My retraction from interaction speaks volumes about how I feel about myself right now. Choosing only to communicate with a very limited group of people that I feel "safe" to speak with. No complications or awkwardness, no unexpected changes of subject. Just calm conversation.

And that's another thing. How two-faced do I feel at times. I can see someone I am comfortable around, and be happy, laugh and smile. Just opening up to them feels natural and good for me. With the chosen few I feel I am being the real me, the proper 100% actual me, the person I remember I am in times of clarity. Yet with others, and I apologise for this to you all, I am awkward, cold, and silent. Choosing not to even answer messages in case a question turns into a conversation. Avoiding silly things like a call to the Reebok engineer to get my cross trainer serviced, as I don't want to talk to strangers. Stupid as that sounds, I really can't bring myself to do that, or other calls right now. Unfortunate, as having a fully working cross trainer would be quite handy right now. Maybe I will try and call tomorrow ( like I have said for 2 weeks now).

I really didn't realise I was going to write so much right now. I know there is a lot in my head, that I have been unable to blog recently because of the lack of enthusiasm to sit at the desk and type, a lot of things building up and making matters worse for me. It is a really horrible feeling to know there are things I can do to make life easier, but not have the get up and go to do them. Almost trapped in my own head, by my malfunctioning brain. So much energy of varying sorts, all building up waiting to explode out of my mind.

With Xmas fast approaching, and the seasonal road trip to Wales, I am hoping I can get some fresh air, and relax my mind a little once the duties are taken care of. I feel bad though because in my head right now I don't want to see Chris and Dyfrig who I make a point of seeing every year. As much as I love our conversations, and how welcome I am made to feel, right now I can't bare the thought of sitting in the house and looking back over what has been quite a challenging year. I am sure I will do something to make amends for the lack of visit in person, but still feels wrong at the moment.

Right, I am going to leave it there as my concentration is waning a little and I may start to ramble more than I already am.

Just a quick thank you to those who continue to offer support and friendship, regardless of if I have accepted it or passed on it, I appreciate it all. My choices of who I am turning to right now in no way reflects how I feel about people in general, so please don't take what might appear as ignorance or shunning as a negative, it isn't something I feel I have control over right now.

On another note, and quite a macabre one, while I am struggling right now, and really fighting to stay active and in communication with the outside world, I can say thing with confidence, as I have said in person to a few people. I have no ill intent towards myself, no wish to no longer be around, or to harm myself. Strange as it sounds I know depression and anxiety affects people differently, and because of that it is a natural concern for some to have when they know a person they know is struggling a bit.
I promise that should that feeling ever change, phones would start ringing, doorbells would be rung, and I would reach out as soon as the first thought ever entered my mind.  So please don't worry about that, especially if I am not talking to you much right now.

OK, done, thanks and well done if you read this far.  Til next time.

Struggling to stay awake.

One of the clear signs for me that my brain has had enough, is the lethargy. While the brain is active, all is well. I stay talkative, quite focused and alert. But as soon as there is nothing to distract me, I immediately become sleepy. I am guessing it is my brain wanting to switch off before it gets overloaded with thoughts and confusion. The situation is similar in the mornings too. Having become a creature of habit and getting up at 6 something every day for months now, suddenly I wake but in a very different state. Deep tiredness, wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep. On a couple of occasions now I have done just that and slept in til around 8am.

Losing focus is very much a big thing for me right now, just writing this is a bit of an effort, with my eyes and mind darting about all over the place, and having to make a conscious effort to stay on track. That said, I am only writing this paragraph as I have completely lost my track.

Today has been on of those days so far for me, and possibly one of the worst in this phase to date. Waking up just before 7am, and doing as I promised myself, getting up and out with the dogs ASAP to try and get back into the stride of things. All went well, good hour walk with the dogs, some fresh air and getting the heart pumping. Got home, fed them, sat down for breakfast, watched a program while I ate.... Then went back to bed. Unable to fight the feeling today, I just had to go with the flow. Yet here I am, after an hours nap, and still yawning like I haven't slept for days. Bags under my eyes, looking like crap, and feeling how I look.

The ever confusing yo-yo feelings of depression strike again. This time yesterday I was full of trepidation and anxiety about meeting a friend for dinner. Nervous about the trip over to West London, lots of people and possible interactions. The train journey over there was spent mainly staring into space when on trains, avoiding looking at people, focusing on the floor most of the time. And the transfers between trains where I had to walk, I mainly stayed close to the wall and walked along looking at it out of the corner of my eye. Sounds weird I know, but I was just along for the ride, my brain did as it pleased.

Turns out though that the evening itself, at two quite relaxed venues, was a good moment of clarity for me, and it felt good to clear my head for a bit, and stay distracted long enough to unwind for a while. A breath of fresh air for sure, and much needed. Proof to myself that I'm still in here somewhere. So thanks to Jason for taking the time out of his day to keep me company, and get my brain working right for a bit. Some interesting conversations for sure, and I even unloaded a few thoughts that I struggle with.

The rest of the time, when I am able to fight the tiredness, I feel like a bit of a zombie right now if I'm honest. As I said before, losing focus on thoughts is an issue. Trying to stay on topic can be a fight. Even watching programs I love can be a chore just trying to concentrate enough to make sense of things.

You know when someone says "clear your mind", something most of us find impossible at the best of times, to think absolutely nothing. But for me, I have moments where it is just that..NOTHING! Like I am rebooting, just staring, with nothing at all going on, until I catch myself, then it is a huge wave of thoughts crashing over me. Much like a real wave, once it passes all that remains is fragments of it. So when my thought wave hits, it is like being bombarded with a whole day of thoughts and emotions at once, and seconds later you are left with tiny pieces which together form nothing. Soaked through with pieces you cannot put together. This if course is followed by deep confusion for an undetermined period of time.

So with all that going on, I am hardly surprised that my brain just wants me to sleep. Lock me and itself away from generating any more thoughts to deal with. Problem there is, no matter how nice sleep is, I don't wake rested, I feel like junk for it, then beat myself up for having wasted time in the day. I have other things I need to get done, but can neither find the motivation nor the concentration to take on some tasks that would otherwise be deemed mundane. So there is a void in the day where there is almost nothing I can do with myself. Walking would be super cool, but I am trying to moderate that as its taking its toll on my feet and achillies, and of course there are a finite number of places I can walk to. Sure I can travel somewhere to walk, but that seems like a chore. Driving or getting public transport is an effort.  All that said, the outdoors is calling me, so I might venture out for a while.

Distraction is what I need right now. Non stressful, relaxing distraction. Conversation over coffee, entertainment to keep my mind occupied, so I shall seek to find myself some of that. But you know, just writing that has caused a wave of tiredness, almost like my brain trying to shy away from the idea. So who knows eh.

The plan for me right now, the hours and days ahead is to fight sleeping and inactivity, to focus on getting up at a reasonable time. Structure my day in a way I can stay busy somehow, without exhausting myself and causing more stress. Easier said than done. I am seeing the doctor again in a weeks time, so hopefully I will have levelled out a bit by then, or at least she will be able to make sense of things, and point me in the right direction.

As a footnote, I have to say that last night was one of the hardest battles I have had to get to sleep for a few days now. Just unable to relax my mind, being bombarded with thoughts with no relevance to the day just gone. Overloaded, and all just flashing through my mind, it was a very unwelcome feeling, and one I was hoping had passed for the time being. Guess it shows you never know what to expect when your mind is misbehaving.

Right, this has been enough of a challenge for my tiny mind just getting this far, and trying to make sure it makes sense, so will leave it there.

Thank you to anyone who has shown genuine concern, less so to those who just want to pry or make stupid comments, both sides have a huge impact on coming to terms with the situation.

Aaaah...... BOOM!

Waking up this morning after another night of broken sleep,  I felt clear and calm. You know like when you wake after a bad headache or pain,  and for a moment all is well. That false hope the body and mind give you, before switching everything back on again,  and turning the intensity up a notch. Well,  that just happened.

Not uncommon to feel that way,  but having not been here for quite some time,  I have to run it by a fellow nutcase,  just to get clarification that it was "normal".  The answer came back,  and confirmed genuinely nuts.

When I first woke,  the first thoughts through my mind were,  hey I feel good,  why am I even going to the doctors today. Starting to think it was all in my head,  then the penny dropped... Of course it's all I'm my head idiot,  it's my frickin brain!

A few minutes after that,  the first random thoughts of the day started to filter into my head,  and from there it all went downhill fast. Imagine the old days at the stock markets, on the trading floor. A few people doing the trades,  and a whole floor of traders shouting and waving at each other.
That's what goes on in my head over the most basic thoughts. Strangely enough,  writing like this blocks them out,  focusing on one thing,  being creative takes all the energy from the over active mind and puts it all in one place. Maybe that is why the recent entries have been longer than some others,  me desperately trying to keep writing,  stay focused and stop the inevitable slump that comes after.

So after waking wondering why I was going to the doctors,  I am back where I was before,  and glad I'm going there in an hours time. I wish I could explain how anxious I am about it right now though. Not a good feeling. So I am gonna get ready,  put my headphones on and take a walk up there. Get some fresh air,  bombard the voices and thoughts with poor choices of music,  and go see a pro,  in the hope we are on the same page. Fingers crossed.

Time marches on.

It's true, no matter what is going on in your life, what has happened, if you are paying attention or not, time waits for no man (yes, yes, or woman!).

It takes a glitch in the routine, a break from the norm to make you realise where you actually are right now. Like the monotonous daily commute, from time to time we look up and think "how the hell did I get here?" In reality we do that a lot, and think nothing of it.

However when something bigger happens, a change of job, a death, a break-up (well of course I was going to squeeze that one in somehow), once we get control of the spinning and pull out of the impending spiral of doom, suddenly it becomes apparent that things have changed around us.

This could be in many different ways, people, things, places. A bit vague maybe? Then I shall dig a little deeper.
For example, the people around us. There are those close to us, who we engage with daily. We know them well, and they form part of the structure of our daily routine. As simple as a shopkeeper, as important as a partner, they are all the fabric of our reality. Then there are those we tolerate. People we don't get much of a choice but to interact with, however wouldn't if we could help it. Co-workers are the main category here, although friends of friends can fall into this one quite often too.
Then there is "the rest". The background noise so to speak. We can come across the same people day in day out and never really pay any attention to them whatsoever. Or very little at best.

The crazy thing is, in times of confusion and need, all roles are reversed, and priorities change. In our routine, the background noise settles, and almost goes away, and we focus on the other two categories. But when routine is gone, all the noise returns.
An example if I may.
A busy underground station,  full of faceless people making their own noises, all adding up to a crushing bombardment of sound. On a good day, in good company, engrossed in conversation with the friend, the sound is barely there, we are cocooned in our safe, happy world. Take that person away, and add a simple niggling concern to your mind, and the platform is suddenly deafening. So much noise, hard to think, the mind goes into overdrive.

Thankfully, finding ourselves out in the wilderness of the outer circles of life, isn't too common, and in general we don't go through it too many times in life. Depending on what sort of person you are will no doubt dictate how you cope out there. Overthinkers beware! It's is a minefield packed with booby traps and potholes. That said, there is a way through, so don't panic. For most, it is a simple journey finding their way back into the security of what remains of the inner circles. Supported by our caring friends, normality returns quickly, and we are back on track.

All that said and done, there IS a point to this, so let me see if I can find it in the mess.
How can I put this without sounding too stupid. Who am I trying to kid, most of my blogs sound a little bit daft at the best of times.
We are like cogs, and to operate properly we need a certain amount of corresponding cogs to work with. Being like this gives us support, and allows us to support others at the same time (nice eh!). So when something changes, we need to ensure the cogs keep turning. For some of us we prioritise ourselves, and some of us focus on the others. Either way, the time we spend paying more attention to our surroundings is important. It gives us time to appreciate that its not all just background noise, and that some of it is good stuff. It's almost like an intake of new friends.
Be it, socialising more, and realising what people bring to the table, taking more time to talk, and appreciating just how much you have in common with others. Or sometimes that stark reality, that you were living a lie! Whatever it is, to coin a phrase "It's good to talk".

When we talk, we listen. Well that's the idea anyway. I seem to excel at talking, but listening is a weakness at times. In fact talking is important to me, it's almost like a release valve, getting all the excess pressure out of my head, and just out there. Doesn't need deep, intellectual conversation, just a sounding board to blurt it all out to once in a while. As you might have guessed, occasionally I use my blog for this purpose, and this could actually be one of those times.

Anyway.... When we listen, we engage, and connect with people, and this is the key to it all.
From time to time when these encounters happen, we realise we actually enjoy the interaction of a person, and wonder why it was so hard to have bothered with this before. Then, before you know it, they are part of the routine.

So I guess what I am trying to say, and I have to guess at this point as it has gone all over the place now... The point is, change isn't a bad thing. Yup, it's unsettling, sure it leaves us feeling lost and vulnerable at times. But the positive side is, it is like us having a review of our lives, and who we surround ourselves with. A short moment to take stock of what you have in life, and what you are missing from your life. And most of all, an opportunity to make changes for the better, and fill those gaps.

Maybe the opportunity will present, and you will shy away. Maybe you will try and make something out of nothing. Or maybe just for once you will throw caution to the wind, scream "FUCK IT" from the highest point you can find, and just take a chance for once.

However you have read this, please take great comfort in the knowledge that I have got all this off my chest, and somewhere in all those words, I have made sense of what is going on once more in my complex little head. Take a look outside once in a while.... It's really not so bad.

All a bit strange..

Just thought I would try and put into words how I am feeling right now, as I don't seem to be able to understand it myself at the moment.
Waking this morning, I slept OK, so got straight to business, and getting the dogs walked.
Build up to it was fine, then walking out the door, the first wave of thoughts and emotions. It's Sunday, I don't do the morning walks alone on a Sunday, but I guess I better get used to it, this is Day 1 of different.

Getting into my stride, I start doing my usual chatting to myself in my head, playing things out, replaying any events of the past day or two. Its what over thinkers do, its nothing new to me. But obviously this time there is a rather prominent topic, and so it begins. Acceptance of the situation, as I have said before, it's a shock but no real surprise to me. Then the memories, the realisation of the changes, and what will I say to other people. Not, will I tell the truth, but how will the conversation go, EXACTLY. Word for word. Another over thinkers trait.

All around the walk, the dogs do things, but there is no one to talk to, thoughts come into my mind, but again, I'm alone. Sure there are many caring people only a message away, but its not the same. It's not spontaneous.

By the end of the hour and a half of dog walks (takes twice as long as I'm...... yup, alone!) I get back to the house, and I would be lying if I didn't say there was a feeling of dread as I walked up the drive, no Mini. In the house, deadly silence. Coming into the house a huge wave of emotion smashes into me, thoughts as fast and frantic as the pages of a book as you flick through it. Memories, worries, and loneliness.

I feed the dogs, and unlike usually, I skip breakfast myself. A twisting gurgle feeling in my stomach, now is not the time for food.
Instead I come to my little space (scattered with memories of trips, and adventures shared), head down, ignoring the keepsakes, I log on to the PC. Having posted a few status updates on Facebook before heading out with the dogs, the replies and comments are plentiful, for which I am grateful. Everything from deep expressions of sorrow, to totally missing the point.  But it's only right to reply to them, and not seem like a recluse.

So I get started. Many comments tripping me up with emotions, unintentional triggers. Reflections of the past, surprise, and everything in between. A little light humour, a lot of gratitude, and a few ideas all thrown into the melting pot of thoughts. Meanwhile my IM is also pinging away, numerous conversations, again from all angles.
Now as the fury of messages and conversation grows, its getting too much. Too much to think about, decide, work out, plan..... My brain is melting.

Limiting myself to just a couple of conversations, I try and focus on what I need to do next, and work out what is happening immediately in front of me. Then logging off and hitting the streets. Walking once again, the mind goes wild all over again. Trying to keep my focus, shut out the negativity, and remember what is important. Friendship, staying in touch with my bestie, and knowing that while I have this almost overkill of activity and concern, she probably has the complete opposite right now.

As I finally get back home again, after a short unexpected trip to the shops, the doom greets me.

On the final few roads, it all starts to fall into place. That while we have been together for a long time, and I have almost stolen her youth away from her. I realise that I have realised for a long time that this day would come. Have even joked about it over the years, both with Chantal and others. But the realities don't dawn on you until it happens.
Our relationship has been unorthodox for a long time now. One if explained to others, they would just not get. But in all that, I have found my best friend, my companion, and someone who I can trust and rely on.
Or I had... And that's the bit really chewing at my heart right now. Put simply, I'm lonely... VERY VERY lonely, and it scares me so very much. Teeth clenched as I type this, throat tight, it is a horrible realisation, and one I simply don't want to get used to. I am surrounded by mates and a few good friends, but no one quite matches. I don't like this feeling one bit.
I know we will stay friends, I know I can rely on her for anything I need, someone to talk to etc. But that's the whole foundation of the situation. Dependency, on each other, has backed her into a corner which I simply can't justify trying to keep her in any longer.

So while I have nothing to fear, as I know help is so close by, I have EVERYTHING to fear, knowing that the only way we can stay friends and as close as we have grown, is if I give all of that up.

I'm sorry for putting my thoughts and personal life out there, and sharing things that possibly should remain between us, but I have to make sense of it all. I have to get the thoughts out of my head. Before they consume me.

I made a comment to someone earlier, that my head is like an all-in-one soup maker. And after shredding all my thoughts, destroying my mind, it sets about simmering them, bubbling away, cooking up something. Just sitting here waiting for it to churn out whatever the final outcome is.

I know I haven't said it much over years, but just want to throw this out there. Over 12 years, I have gone from spending time with a girl I hang out with, to learning to love someone so much, and fear any hurt or ill intent towards them. Secretly worrying all the time, and I guess you could say forming a synergy. Existing as one, even when far apart. There is a lot of emotional blurb coming to the surface right now, but I just need to be honest and say quite simply, I love you and I miss you SO much Chantal. Its been just over 12 hours, and already my mind is struggling with how things go on from here.

Of course we will be fine, it's not the end of the world. Its just quite simply, the end.

On the flip side to all this. I praise the courage it has taken to be honest about the whole situation, and reach this point. To be as mature and open about it as you have been, and for every gesture you have made since leaving last night. Of course I can say this all to you in private, but I want others to know how proud I am of the woman you have grown into. Strong, fierce, and now truly independent.

I could go on all day, this was only meant to be short, but that will do for now.
Sorry for rambling on so much, but it works for me.

Butterflies...

OK I have gone on about this too many times in my life, but from time to time I need to revisit the thought to make sense of things, and even re-evaluate the validity of the whole belief, and tonight is one of those times. When you find yourself laying on the floor of a dark room, on the rug, with headphones on, playing a very select playlist, its time to see what the hell is going on in your head.

So, butterflies. Many years ago I referred to the butterfly effect, but in my own way. Not the generic well known way. Here are my thoughts on it. And so profound was the belief in the feeling, I even had it tattooed. One of my first pieces, and one I still hold dear to this day.

From time to time in life you have a moment, a point in time where things change. For a short spell of time everything else takes second place, thoughts go on hold, and life stops. For that moment, for however long it is, the most important thing of the moment is right there. Times like this you need to stop, take stock, and appreciate it. Like a butterfly in a garden, fluttering from plant to plant. Once in a while it settles for a rest. As you sit in the garden and watch this natural beauty dancing around, if you sit still enough, it will settle on you.
As it touches your skin, you freeze. Motionless you look on and appreciate how delicate it is, how fragile this and the rest of life is, and how quickly it can pass. No matter how long the event really lasts, the second it is over it feels like it was just the blink of an eye. Always to be remembered, a moment in your life that truly matters.

However this precious moment can be ruined in a heartbeat by the wrong action. The most simple of wrong moves can upset the balance, and take the whole moment away. Some who experience these moments try and capture them forever, but this is just a false hope. Touch a butterfly, try and capture it, or hold on longer that time allows and the balance it ruined. The life drains from the butterfly, and what was there for a second will never return.

The only way to really embrace a butterfly moment is to just let it happen. Hold your breath, look on in wonder, and enjoy what is happening. What will happen will happen, and when its over, let it go. Hold dear the moments that you had, and don't try to make it something it is not.

Life seems to throw quite a few of those at me, or at least my mind interprets it that way. I am yet to squash one, but struggle desperately to try and read the pattern and interpretations of them. Long after the butterfly has flown, the moment finally makes sense and I can get a read on it and appreciate it.

Sometimes things in life are just as they seem, as described, as advertised, as per the label. However to hope that there is more inside, shaking the now empty packet hoping more will fall from it, just a fools game. Blimey how many more metaphors can I use before just saying it like it is.

But back to the butterfly effect.

The simplicity of it is the beauty of it. Spend your whole life rushing around, never paying attention to your surroundings, and you will miss SO much in life. However take life at a slower pace, look around from time to time, soak up what is all around you, and take stock of the beauty that surrounds you each day. From time to time you will notice moments worth treasuring. Like a butterfly landing on your hand. Sit still, look on, and realise how blessed you are to have been touched by a thing of beauty. When it is rested, and has taken from the moment what it needs, it flies away leaving you with something profound, and a moment of time you will never be able to re-live, but will never forget.

That paragraph above is the one I have been sitting here for  20 mins trying to squeeze out of myself, and sums up my thoughts right now.
Now if only I can just sit still long enough and not make the wrong move, all will be well, and I will remember this moment for the rest of my living years.

I love butterfly moments.... But they can really mess with my head.

Thanks for reading, and for a select few, thank you even more for being a butterfly, and touching me profoundly.

Highs and lows

Without a doubt the most powerful drug know to humans it the mind. Yes Obviously the mind is affected by drugs, but the urges, sensations it creates all on its own are so damn powerful. Taking a perfectly good day into the pits, or a terrible day into the skies in a flash.
Some might say the heart plays a part in that, and maybe in a metaphorical way it can, in the same way we suffer heartbreak etc. But the truth is it is our thoughts and feelings which truly control our mood and state of mind.

Many years ago, before a night out, feeling down, a friend took a whole cocktail of drugs which would have most completely off their face, and high into the heavens. But seemingly over-riding the effects of the drugs, his mind kept him low as can be. Thought process and ability to function however was as affected as you would expect. Nothing but his own thought process was going to free him from this spiral.

As anyone who read the last few blogs will know, I have been on a bit of a whirlwind tour of my mind recently, dropping to basement level a few days ago, without warning, or indication that anything was wrong, my mind just bombed. Being quite familiar with lows like this, I prepared for the worst, and got myself ready for a long low period. Yet for some reason (part of which I understand) I bounced back, stronger and harder than I ever recall. By the next morning I was back to my old self +10% more. Strange for me.

For a long time now it has been clear to me that I am influenced by those around me, affected by their moods and state of mind. Am I a mood leech or something, or do I just get affected by trying to make others feel better at my own expense. Draining myself of mental energy for the sake of others? Strange, but I really don't know.

I had lunch with a good friend yesterday, speaking of lots of subjects including one very prominent at the moment to me. Speaking about it, I made perfect sense of the two conflicting sides of me which battle it out, trying to justify my behaviour towards certain others, and make sure that things are not totally one sided. But the truth is, its natural in today's life to give and not take, or vice versa. Sadly my tiny mind struggles with this concept at times, and for that, I pay the price.

Sometimes I wonder if I carry out apparently selfless acts for moral gratitude, from no other than myself. Like an arsonist who likes to watch their fire burn, gloat in the control of the situation and feed from its energy, I wonder if I am the same. Do I get some form of satisfaction from 'helping' others, or am I just getting close gloat on their misfortunes. Only to be drawn in, and feeling obligated to help. The two sides of my mind once again in conflict.

As ever, songs play a huge part in driving my moods, and there are certainly a few in my playlists recently provoking emotions for sure. But how.... Well simple.. My mind. Like I say, the most powerful drug known to humans. Taking the words of others used as lyrics for a song. Translating them in a way where they fit to my state of mind, thoughts or emotions, and turning them into powerful musical messages to myself. Stirring my emotions, and putting my mind into places of happiness and sadness. Sometimes in just minutes.
The drive to work can be torture, the wrong song at the wrong time and its all over for me, the day ruined in a flash. Or on the flip side the day is made in a second.

I have but a few influences on my mind recently, but powerful ones none the less. Conflicting, complex and confusing as hell, but the main thing is, im on a high, and I intend on staying here.

At times like this, my blog plays a key role, so my apologies for any weird ramblings like this that might appear over the coming days or weeks. But just know that getting it off my chest really halps with things, just like it did the other day. That simple Boom! entry changed a lot for me. So if you have things on your mind, trying to figure them out, get them onto paper or a screen. Better still if you can find anyone to listen, talk. Verbalising things can sometimes make so much sense. At times as I am saying something, I am understanding it at the same time.

The mind eh!


PS, I bought a new 'REAL' keyboard as I have a lot of writing planned over the coming weeks, so I am a happy man right now, loving typing once again.

Have a great day, and don't let that mind of yours mess about with you.

Normal ?

Simple question I was asked the other day, and one that has always sat well with me. Not normal, a phrase I often use to describe myself, and one which usually goes unchallenged. Except for yesterday of course. So I was told to put some thought to my statement, and here it is.

Normality to most is in fact routine. Not a set of values we use to assess others, but a set of rules which we follow in our day to day life. Habits, behaviours, and moral beliefs. For example, if you see two people kissing, do you look away a little embarrassed by being a witness to their actions, or do you look on and think 'how sweet'? Already we have a baseline for what I mean. A simple act of care and affection like a kiss can divide the masses, and provoke us to determine if its right or wrong, normal or not normal.

Others have a slightly more open minded to what normal is, and while accepting the everyday decisions and actions of individuals around them, tolerating difference in opinions of what is OK to do on a day to day basis. Choosing only to judge normal and not normal on much more powerful and thought provoking matters. Violence, sex offences, and 'extreme' views on religion and power.

So why do I use the phrase 'not normal' so freely? Well, over the years, as the blog no doubt shows, I have slowly but surely got to know myself, and my mind quite well. Seeming to be a little different to most people I know, in my opinion at least. Yes we are all pieces in the giant game of chess that life is. But what piece we believe ourselves to be determines who we are. For me, a mere pawn is where I see myself. The first to feel the force of the opposition, tiny in comparison to other pieces, and sometimes a little powerless. But when it comes to the crunch, this little pawn can be mighty and topple even the greatest.

OK, quite a strange analogy I know, and maybe not my best to date, but its a start.

The big thing for me is my interest in others. Constantly seeking to help somehow, involved on a much deeper level than most care to be in other peoples lives. An over-thinker, taking far too much time to try and understand something or someone, while sometimes missing the entire point. A knowledge sponge, constantly on the search for something new, something different, a new experience.

So back to the question, what is normal? Well in short, every person around you while sharing certain moral values, will have a different of what normal is. Tattoos, another amazing example of how easily we judge and decide if someone is normal or not. Colouring your skin in, with needles and inks, well its not natural, no of course its not. But by today's standards, given its popularity, its pretty normal now.

Ultimately it is all about opinions, beliefs, and values. Once you have your own baselines for those three categories, you are a little closer to being able to give your definition of YOUR normality.

As for if I am really normal or not, well that's for you and you only to decide if I conform. If a complex minded, considerate, over baring, sharp tongued, tattooed man who bares open his soul to the internet is 'normal' to you... Then I take it all back, I am 100% boring and normal.

If my blogs confuse you, tattoos disgust you, or personality irritates you, then I am in a sense happy, to be individual and different in your eyes.  Either way, I don't mind how people see me, judge me, or what they say about me. I am happy with who I am. It took years to perfect this careful balance of considerate arsehole, so I'm not changing, not for anyone.

Boom!

Have you ever had one of those moments,  be it a penny dropping or a bulldozer smashing through the walls of your mind.  Suddenly something changes or just makes sense,  and boom! It's done.

Just had one of those right this very second.  Like a plane hitting an air pocket and dropping a thousand feet in a few seconds.

A void appears,  consuming you,  taking your thoughts both rational and fictional,  and tearing them into tiny pieces. Uncertainty looms,  confusion arrives,  and your mind works overtime to try and regain control.

Mental and emotional free fall sets in,  and you are along for the ride.  Simple thoughts now become complex and confusing,  the most mundane task seems like a chore.  How could this all happen so fast?

Sometimes references in life can trigger you to draw parallels to your own business,  be they fictional,  or factual. First hand or a tale told by another,  they are all relevant when your mind makes that connection. 

Helpless,  the fall is over,  you have survived it,  but are lost,  in  a strange place,  no idea where you are,  where to go to seek out the normality you crave so badly now. Searching  the deepest corners of your mind,  trying to find the reference you need to make sense of it all,  and to get back to your crazy life you call reality.

Strength,  lacking in it,  you dig deep,  a smile,  a thought,  just something to give you the strength you need right now,  right this second to take control again,  become the master of your own destiny once more,  and shake free from  the reigns which have guided you to this place.

Rise....  From the ground,  collecting yourself,  gathering your thoughts,  drawing up your battle plan to once again be that person.

Welcome to the inner workings of my mind.  Another epic mistake,  a misunderstanding or simply over reaching? The question need not be answered,  but the lesson must be learned.

Night night.

Isolation within a crowd.Marbles in my mind.

Having had days to dwell on how im feeling right now, I have finally stumbled across this explanation  which I might add is an old one. Have you ever stood in a crowded room, surrounded by people you know, yet still felt alone? If so, then welcome inside my head right now.

Its a strange sensation, feeling like if you screamed for an hour, no one would hear it or even know you are there. While you hold conversation with the people around you all day long, and spend the whole time talking, at the same time you feel like there are conversations within you that cannot be had, exchanges of words needed, but no one to share them with. Its like being trapped inside your own head, with no one else to talk to.

By not being able to mentally reach out, all the conversations you are having in there just bounce around aimlessly. As we all know every good conversation leads to other conversations. So now put that inside a trapped mind. Imagine a marble rolling around in a box, each time a new conversation arises, another marble is added. And so it carried on, until instead of having that annoying nagging thought, or marble rolling about, it is dozens of them, crashing around inside your mind, making so much noise that day to day happenings seem impossible to deal with.

Its strange, hard to explain, how I can carry on functioning with doing things like writing this blog in a way which seems to make sense, but at the same time, other things, simple things from my day to day life just seem impossible to cope with or carry out. This morning I found every excuse possible not to walk the dogs, to avoid interaction with people, as it would just irritate me. Yet an hour later I was fine to get on a train to come to work and sit in a noisy office. And maybe thats just it...

Maybe the noise around the office, the strangers on the train etc all add up to be a distraction from ME! Not needing to engage in personal conversations, not having time to think about my life and myself, is just what I need right now, So for that I am very grateful.

But at the same time I am still left with the marbles. Ultimately they all need a way out of my head, all need dealing with, however at this time there is no logical way to get them out. Offers from friends to chat are gratefully accepted, but I feel like a burden to sit there saying 'me me me' all day long. It reminds me too much of people I already loath for doing just that. So I am still left with the quandary of how to get these thoughts out.
The big issue is the sensation of loneliness even WITH company. Dog walks in the evening have recently fallen silent with me just keeping my thoughts to myself, not wanting to touch on certain situations and conversations which have already been had a thousand times. But the problem is, half of the marbles in my mind are about these matters. Matters I cant control or change, but are driving me insane and eating away at my actual soul on a daily basis.

I guess time will take care of most of these things, then when the root is killed off, the weeds will die, or at least I hope so. If not I might just go completely crazy.

So for now, as I close this blog, its like a snail going back inside its shell. I just came outside into the wilderness to share these thoughts, and maybe even try and feel a little better by putting them out there. But now its time to go back inside, and back to the darkness of my mind, and the noise of the marbles crashing about inside my mind.

Thanks for reading.

At war with my demons.

Once again my demons of depression rear their ugly heads, and the pit of despair opens wide to try and swallow me up. Small things becoming the teeth of the demons, ready to consume me in a single vicious bite. An all too familiar feeling for me, and as usual there is no true reason for them to have broken free of their shackles.

My part here is to know what is happening, fight back, and refuse to allow them to catch me this time. Knowing all the warning signs of these bouts is key for me to fight back like this, and getting a grip on it early is important if I stand a chance of escaping without a mark on me.

Lack of energy, happy to sleep forever, no drive, and a touch of self loathing from time to time. Not to mention being emotionally delicate, and living on a short fuse. All the signs that things are going badly wrong in my head at this moment.

Why you ask? I have NO idea at all. Yes I have some stress in my life at the moment, but nothing worthy of feeling like shit. But I have a plan.

Not ignore it, not run away and hide, but to fight with every conscious thought I have each day. Refusal to let these little things weigh me down with doubt, anger and sorrow. Instead, turning negatives to positives, making the most of any situation thrown at me, and working towards the brightness of sunshine and happiness that awaits me on the other side.

As Waiting all Night (Rudimental) suddenly cues and plays into my ears, I picture the video and remember that the key to overcoming adversity and barriers in life is a two step progress. Positive mental attitude, and surrounding yourself with great people. Well I have the people, and I have the self belief, so it's just a matter of mixing them properly now to make it work out for me.

Typing furiously here, trying to get all these thoughts out of my mind and onto the WWW is a battle in itself, but something I need to do from time, now more than ever.

My name is Michael Snasdell, and from time to time I struggle with depression. I'm not ashamed, embarrassed or afraid to admit it, and nor should anyone be.

Thank you for reading. That in itself helps, believe me, being heard, seen and recognised is part of the process here. 

Regards
Michael

Sent from my BlackBerry Q10

Dear Blackberry trackpad

My dearest trackpad, old friend, and great companion.
You came into my life in 2009, replacing my trackball, and making so much sense. An optical device replacing a physical ball that was oh so prone to getting clogged up when using the phone with greasy fingers or dirty hands. The way you reflected sunlight with that beautiful purple glow. Functioning with or without gloves, in all conditions, you changed the way I used my Blackberry forever.

Being able to zip around the screen with ease, selecting text, and accurately placing the pointer over the smallest of links, your accuracy was super. No more stuttering and spluttering across the screen as the trackball registered, then didn't, then did......

As first people doubted your ability to do what the faithful trackball could, like the move from a mouse with a ball to an optical mouse, its a big leap of faith for some. But the package the 8520 offered, complete with you, made it worth that leap of faith. After months of becoming best friends, you made your way onto the 9700 which just had to be mine.

As time went on it seemed like trackpad and Blackberry were a match made in heaven, but then this happened.... That's right, you know what I'm talking about.. YOU! You left me!

The first new handset to appear without you was the Z10, and of course it made perfect sense that you were not there, its a touchscreen after all. But then rumours of the Q10 appeared, and you were no where to be seen. They told us we would be OK without you, that things had moved on, we had changed and grown apart, but I wasn't so sure. When the day came when it was time for the Q10 to come into my life I was worried, would I cope?

So a week after getting my hands on the new love of my life, I thought it only fair to write you a letter to tell you how I am getting on without you, and to be honest, most of the time I don't think about you too much. But from time to time, there are those moment when I remember how you felt to use, and how easily we did some things together. Selecting text in long emails, selecting multiple messages to delete or move, and all those delicate and intimate things that only you could do.

Blackberry have given us options to move on from you, and I have to say I think I'm falling in love all over again, but I cant deny you were an important part of my life, and I will always remember you, and occasionally pine for you.
Thank you for everything you did for me, and all the fun times we had together.






PS for those a little worried, this is just a light hearted entry, and I have not lost the plot.... I lost that a LONG time ago!

Welcome to the Blackberry Q10

A long time in the making, but finally its here and I have to say, 1 hour in, MY GOD its good!

I have to say this first though, getting the handset has been a bloody nightmare to say the least, fighting with Yodel to get them to deliver the damn thing has kind of tainted the joy of getting it.
There is more about the epic battle in earlier blog entries.

So back to the Q10.
First up, it's fair to say I am a die hard qwerty fan, and a strong believer that the days of the physical keyboard are far from over. In fact for me, as the past hour has shown, it's a must. Plain and simple.
The Z10 has without a doubt been the best touchscreen phone I have ever used. No bones about it, the fluidity of the experience is amazing. But after months of use I still never overcame the annoyance and frustration of the keyboard predicting or correcting me on something simple, or the sheer inaccuracy of it. YES, touchscreen can be super fast, the Z is no exception, with its very forgiving predictive text and corrections. As well as a very smart learning curve, which unlike any other handset I have used, can predict almost who sentences.

However, when it comes to freedom of expression and being able to type what you want, how you want, and make words up whenever you choose, the qwerty wins every time.

So, step back a second and let's start over.
Buying mine from CPWH, I was lucky enough to get the BlackBerry bluetooth speaker system for free, which is a nice little bonus. Compact little thing, but great for sitting in the garden or office etc. I can see it getting a fair bit of use. Also doubles as a hands free for the car too as it clips to the sun visor, so win win.

Unpacking the Q10's little retail box, you realise that BlackBerry have followed the lead of brands like Apple, and made their retail offerings very sparce, but I have to be fair and say all the essentials are there. Phone, charger, data cable, headphones. Speaking of headphones, what an enormous leap forwards with the quality of headphones BlackBerry have made. In-ear anti-tangle headphones, great inline controls. Brilliant, well done BlackBerry. Not sure about Apples 'years in the making' effort, but these unannounced surprises are a great addition.

Moving on from audio, setting the phone up was a nice simple process, certainly more user friendly than the first time around with the Z10, what a nightmare that was. But then at the same time the process is nothing like device swaps of the past. Gone are the days of any BIS involvement. Simple on screen prompts put you through the various sections of set up in an easy to understand format. Once done, and all emails are set up, it syncs with the server and in a matter of minutes you are up and running. The key here is being cloud ready. If you are on Gmail etc, then the set up is a piece of cake, pulling down contacts and calendars from your online account. Second time is a treat for me for sure.

Once set up, it's time to get going with customising and setting up your preferences. The defaults are pretty well thought out, with dark theme as standard, various tones set up for native apps, and volume set to maximum (yup that scared the pants off me first message!). The aforementioned native apps as you probably know are a lot about staying in touch, BBM, Linked In, Facebook, Twitter, and all meeting up nicely in the infamous Hub. Speaking of the hub, for me it's still not perfect, but after months of use of the Z10, BB10 has become second nature, and interacting from one place is indeed a great idea. Just a shame there are not a few more user customisable options in there.

The biggest thing missing for me is the social feeds, all my Twitter updates and new tweets. But again I have to say I have grown used to Blaq saving the say there, and have been quick to install it on the Q10 as well as the Z.

The biggest joy of all is without a doubt the keyboard, for me at least. Firm, solid keys, my fingers dance around the keyboard with ease, and as they start to remember what is where, the speed of my typing increases. I have already surpassed the longest blog entry I have ever done on the Z, by double at least I would say, and I'm happy to keep going. No frustrations, just happy thinking and typing away. The straightening out of the keyboard is a little peculiar  maybe, but again you adjust quickly. Sitting in the dark, looking around as I type, I know my accuracy is far better than a touchscreen would ever be, for me at least.

The glass weave, weird looking back was a big worry for me, thinking it was going to be slippery as the back of the 9900 was, but looks are truly deceiving. And to think I almost went for a white Q10 because the back looked gripper. Phew close call there. It's waxy in feel, and has the right level of grip. Not being shiny also removes the worry of scratching it. The feel of the rest of the device is also decidedly solid and robust. No unpleasant creeks or squeeks coming from the chassis.

The screen is super sharp as you would expect from an OLED display. With screens improving year after year, it's hard to appreciate the screen until I sit it next to my other two handsets, then the difference is very apparent. With one of those being the Z10, it doesn't take a genius to work out which BB10 device has the nicer screen.

The rest of the story is yet to be told, battery testing, app testing, reliability, and over all preference of use (although I think I have already decided that one)

A final note though, and one for anyone trying to decide which BlackBerry device to buy.
If you are like me, and you spend most of your day emailing, messaging, tweeting etc, aka communicating with your phone, then the Q is the obvious choice. I know the argument is screen real estate, but the truth is, with the onscreen keyboard up, the Z's screen is exactly the same size as the Q.
If however you use your handset for games, Web, navigation etc, then the Z is probably the right option for you. The onscreen keyboard as an occasional input device is truly splendid. Forgiving, intuitive, and easy to get along with. Word suggestions, swipe gestures and great layout make it a pleasing experience. But would I have written a blog entry like this one on the Z.... Jeez no! Only the Q has what it takes to ramble on for hours in my trying to be helpful manner.

I shall be sure to post some updates soon, but for now I will give this poor new phone a breather.

Summary, now the chips are down, BlackBerry have brought TWO awesome phones to the market. Worth the extended wait for sure, now just to keep up the momentum and make and keep the BB10 movement current. Well done BlackBerry, well done indeed.

An update on my Z10, day to day use.

Its coming up for a week now since I started using the Z10 as my main day to day handset, and retired my 9900 for good. A true leap of faith by my standards having been a loyal and heavy physical keyboard user for so long now. But that decision was helped along as soon as I laid thumbs on the delightful Z10 touchscreen keyboard. Filling me with confidence that this could really work out well, and maybe the days of physical keyboard were really over.
The first 3 days I used the Z10 I was off work, Friday and the weekend, so use was casual, I was cycling the battery a few times to get a true picture of what it could do on a full charge, and not venturing out too much. Just a simple sit on the side until it flashed level of use.

A few irritations were found, and are on going, which I shall come back to in a moment, but for now lets look at the main situation. Daily usage levels.
For me, without even having to look at it closely, I already know that my use of the new handset is far lower than how much I would have been on the 9900. There are a number of reasons for this, but the main one is simple. Its a touch screen. Regardless of how good the screen is, its winter here in London, and using the touchscreen, with confidence is just not possible with gloves on. Yes I could wear my gloves that are for using with touchscreens, but I am a creature of habit and prefer wearing the gloves I like, rather than the gloves I NEED to use to be able to use my phone. Walking too and from the station, waiting on the platform etc, I just don't use the phone in the same way. I'm sure as the weather warms up this part of it will change.

Then there are the other reasons, which I can actually tie in with my gripes and irritations. So here goes.
The Hub. As great as it is, with the integration of apps such as Facebook and Twitter into it, it is seriously flawed at this stage. The only Twitter notifications that come in are direct messages or mentions, which kind of makes sense as The Hub is about YOUR messages and communications. However for a big Twitter user, you need to keep the main app open and refresh your feeds. Gone are the days when you will receive notification that there are new tweets to read.
As for Facebook, it seems a little hit and miss right now, you will get a few notifications through about comments and mentions, but then it stops. Quite annoying, as when you go into apps the FB icon is showing the 'splat' on it identifying that there is new activity on the account.
I am generally a bit of a social whore, using the old Social Feeds app to update BBM, Facebook and Twitter at the same time with all sorts of news feeds that I get in from Sky News app (not available) and Twitter, which we know doesn't populate my Hub now. Needless to say I am more a social misfit now, and have hardly used any social sites. Possibly not a bad thing, but has filled me with a little feeling of loneliness lol.

Lets move on before I sound too desperate for attention.

Notifications.
Stripped back to basics, and a single sound per notification type (email, BBM, twitter etc) and a simple red flashing LED. For me as I have said in previous reviews, the whole selling point of a Blackberry to me has always been the ability to know what or who is contacting me without ever needing to pick the phone up. Different sounds for each email account, and social feed. As well as BBM etc. Different colours and combination's of flashes. But alas, its all no more. Instead I am stuck with a vague notification that something on my Blackberry Z10 wants my attention. Might be an email, but no idea which account its from. Hmmm, this really needs sorting out, as I know I am far from the only person missing having BeBuzz on my Blackberry.
Same with the sounds, all the settings for different profiles are a mess, with silent being set up as default still with audible notifications, and all the other settings within being a bit hit and miss in how they will make the phone behave. For something as fundamental as the notifications, something has gone wrong here, and needs sorting out asap. Hell I was almost expecting the Z10 on BB10 to some with some sort of in-built LED colour controlling software. Instead there isn't even a 3rd part app on the market for it yet.
Notifications... Disappointed so far.

Apps
Other favourite apps that have made it to the market however have not failed to impress, with things such as BeWeather, you can see a lot of time has gone into making this app silky smooth. A pleasure to check the weather, and all view expandable at a single swipe. Amazingly this is from the same company who make BeBuzz. So much attention to one app, and seemingly nothing on another. Shame, but I hope something is in the pipeline here. The multi pane view on BeWeather is delicious, animations are on par with Android and iOS, and I don't have a bad word to say about the app. In fact its my saviour right now with regards to apps, and gives me hope that the rest that are missing will be as wonderful as this when they come to Blackberry World, soon I hope.
WhatsApp, EyeEm, and Spotify all still missing and no sign of them coming any time soon, if at all at this rate.
Google Chat has taken WhatsApp's place in my 3rd party IM app at the moment, and I am happy to say that its a nice interface on the Z10, much nicer than it was on the OS7 phones. Its notifications DO populate in the Hub which is a relief and a reprieve for the Hub in this respect.
I would really love to see Spotify appear soon, I have seen comments that it can be side loaded and runs OK , so surely the official app cant be that far away. I hope!

Battery
Now that I am back to my usual day to day weekday routine, there are no big issues with the battery life. Yes it still eats away a lot quicker than the 9900 did, and a huge amount more than older devices, but plugged in for a bit here and there, it manages a day without an issue. It certainly seems to hang in a lot longer than it did for its first few charging cycles anyway. In the world of touchscreen phones, it fairs OK really. I will survive with it, that much is sure.

Keyboard
As I have already mentioned, in certain situations the keyboard is simply not usable, gloves on is a no no, as is the case with most touchscreen phones, although I must admit the Galaxy S2 does very well here and is pretty usable with gloves on. Even unlocking the Z10 with gloves on is a bit hit and miss to be fair. So my quick out the pocket, glance, and reply interactions are over with. In general though the user experience is very good. The predictive words are good, and the spelling corrections are usually spot on. I am however yet to do an extensive email, blog or Facebook update yet.
For BBM conversations and brief exchanges though it does a great job, and as it gets to know me a little better, the offerings of words on the frets for flicking is getting a lot better too. Even profanity is taken care of there, which is f***in relief !
All that said, I still think I would be more productive, interactive and use the device more with a physical keyboard. I stand by my original statement from years ago that there is simply NO replacement for a physical QWERTY keyboard. So I welcome the Q10 with open arms. Cant wait to give one a spin, and think the happy compromise will be found with one for sure. Simple things like entering silly words like 'whaaaaaaat' and 'eeeeew' and all the other rubbish I pad my conversations out with, are a chore on a device that assumes you have made a typo of some sort.

In the hand
A lot of thought has clearly gone into the design and feel of the Z10 in the hand. Everyone who has had a look at my handset has commented how it feels in the hand, decent weighted, secure and good grip on it. That got me wondering about why handset manufacturers go to so much effort to make ergonomic devices, when so many people go out and put them in cases of all shapes and sizes.
But back on track, as advertised, the Z10 performs well in the hand, and one handed messaging is indeed very simple to do, with the thumb reaching across the screen with ease. For those of us with medium to large hands anyway. The word suggestions on the frets of course make this even easier.
For games and video viewing again its fit for purpose, and does a great job of handling them. In short, gripping the handset in most situations is not an issue, and only with gloves on does the handset feel a little at risk of slipping. Shape and materials are a great match.

So I shall leave it there for now. Camera testing continues and I continue to be pleased with what it throws out. The latest example of which is sleepy Tuvaaq all curled up. This is using the flash in a dark room. And I shall also add on there my little macro shot of my Voodoo Doll Ninja, just because its a fun picture.


So back to summing up. Here are my hopes for the road ahead for my Blackberry experience.
In general the device is fine, but lacking in apps. This isn't Blackberry's fault of course, and we can only hope that they hear our calls and get a move on. Something tells me that things will be a little better by the time the Z10 and BB10 devices reach the USA and UAE markets, and not the smaller markets of the UK and other such places. By the time it launches in the US, if the apps are not up to par with the competition I would predict that BB will once again start to lose its edge. Only the die hards waiting on the Q10 are going to be the ones who can save them if this happens. The qwerty market is a pretty captive one all things considered, so this would explain why Blackberry decided to launch the contender first, and back it up with the dead cert later.
A Q10 will most definitely come into my possession, but which becomes my primary handset is yet to be seem. Overall the Z10 is a superb handset and I love owning it. I know a few people who have had handset failures, and a couple who have sent them back already, mainly because of the lack of apps.

Lets see how the story pans out from here on in, and see if the sideloaders become the unofficial saviour of Blackberry, as jailbreaking iPhones is to Apple.



PS.. My one major gripe.
A glitch I keep getting with the calender. Interested to hear if anyone has the same problem.
Going into calender and NOT selecting a calender at the top from the drop down. Add an appointment title and location, then selecting a time to start the appointment... The calender simply crashes and closes.
The two ways around this are, first select a calender to add the appointment to, which is easy enough, but pointless if I have my default set up already.
Or the other is to save the appointment with no times, then re-open and 'edit' the appointment to add times.

Either way, its something that needs sorting out, as the calender, like the email, is a fundamental part of the whole ethos of the device, so not functioning properly is a pain. Also doesn't seem to sync to Google too well either. Contacts do, calender doesn't.
Some of this may be settings, so I will take a closer look when time allows.

Its Meh-day

For some reason my brain is having an off day. Ok, so anyone who knows me will know that me having a dumb day is nothing rare. But this isn't me being stupid for once. Today is not about brain not engaging, its just not starting. Flat batteries, flooded with thoughts? I don't know, but its frustrating as hell.

Usually by this time I'm alive with thoughts, ideas, even if they are somewhat depressing but today, nothing really. Instead I'm moping around with nothing but bah and meh on my mind lol.

I'm sure fresh air with the dogs will help, so fingers crossed I can get the morning started soon. Thinking about it, I think one of the other problems is, I have done so many of the important things I needed to do now that there is very little stimulating or worrying left to do. Compared to a few weeks back, with bills building up, problems with the carers, stressing about work etc, this week so far is rather dull and mundane.

Not to say there is nothing to deal with, of course there is. But for once none of it has me in a spin.

Instead I'm left with other things that are months away yet. And other things that I can only wonder about. How is my dear daughter going to do in her exams (I'm sure she will do amazingly well), what is going to happen about my escape to Florida this year, what will I be doing by July/August... So many things, but none that I can influence so far away.

So my plan today, spend some time talking to mum, the weekend has been a bit quiet between us, keep up with the housework, give the dogs a groom with my super new brush from Pets at Home, walk and feed the dogs, feed myself. Oh I just remembered, pick up prescription for mum from the pharmacy... I'm sure more will come to me as the day passes, but for now, that's it.

Quick updates on other things...
Mum, been feeling a little less energetic recently, seems to have more of a job moving about. Quite grumpy (understandable with me about) and spoke to an old friend the other day on the phone. After being asked how she was, she went on to inform her "not that good, I have cancer now, I'm tired of all the fussing and just want to be left to die now". Great way to break the news. But her choice.

As for me, maintaining weight, believe about another 2-3lbs went over the past 10 or so days. Not paying too much attention now, but I'm not gaining, and recent weigh ins have been after food and drink, and are still lower than previous. Happy happy.

Right, I better get on, have a great week all.
Regards
Michael

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Who am I ?

A question I clearly don't ask myself enough these days, but one that springs to the front of my mind right now.

Forgive the ramblings of a mad man, but its all bubbling up to the surface right now, so as you know I like to blog it before it starts to set and make no sense to me.

I am chatting to a few people tonight on my faithful BBM (I would be lost without Blackberry Messenger), while at the same time watching/listening to a 90's resurrection set on MTV Dance, and as things are said, and tunes play, I am slowly starting to figure out a few little things, like "who I am"

Adult life started in the 90's for me, so clubbing days, driving around like a misguided youth, and discovering myself, were all done with this music as my soundtrack. Hearing these tunes play while I am in deep though provokes all sorts of thoughts.

Tunes that remind me of first experiences, ones that remind me of friends who have since passed. Past relationships, watching my daughter grow, and so much more. You know what I mean. Music is like a smell or a taste, in an instant we are back 10 years, living a moment all over again.

Then the next thing I know I am reminiscing of days gone by, and comparing the me of yesteryear, and wonder what is real and what is the adapted me. The me that has shaped myself to fit in, or accept what I have before me.

We all do it, set out with dreams and aspirations, and before we know it they are changing. Changing because its easier to change our way of thinking, than it is to make changes to our life. Leaving the comfort zone, stepping forwards, moving on, and daring to think outside the box... All too daunting for anyone and everyone from time to time.

*Just to digress for a moment, N-Trance "set you free" has just come on, and my god that has gone from being a club banger, to almost a sentimental meaningful song... Anyway... Back to the other bit.

So our aspirations change, but in my case when I look back in reality, I think I have stayed pretty true to my chosen path. OK so I'm not successful, retired and living in Florida, but we can all dream eh.
But in general, certainly up to a couple of years ago I would say I have stayed on track.

Its the past 24-36 months that provoke deeper thought for me. I have not strayed, and I still know what I want, but my life has been put on the back burner, until recently at least. The past week or two have honestly made me realise I need to live for myself too, and stay in touch with my own realities, not just those of people who "need" me.

Achievements of recent make me stronger and more positive. Steps I have taken in different directions make me confident, and people around me empower me to strive for a better life than the ditch I seem to have slipped into over recent months.

So when I think about it, the answer to who am I is a simple one really... I am me, Michael. The deep minded, over thinking, complex emotional guy. The one who spends most of his life wanting to improve other peoples lives, and forgetting to take the occasional time out to focus on his own life. Yet here I am... Taking time to reflect and think about my own life. So maybe I'm not as set in my ways as I think.

OK so I said I was rambling, and know this makes no sense, so let me summarise...

Respect your own decisions, regardless of what others try to make you believe, or opinions they impose upon you.
Don't be afraid to do something different, new, unexplored. Just because you think it might upset someone. If it upsets them, then is their opinion that important to you?
Take time out for YOU. Regardless of how smooth sailing life may seem, there is always room for manoeuvre, and time for a quick sanity check. When you lose touch with yourself, reality becomes a blur.
Remember who YOU are. What you stand for, your beliefs, morals and goals in life. There is always room for compromise, but rarely room for total surrender.

After blurting all this out, I am making sense of the root of this all, and getting back in touch and in tune with my own thoughts and emotions (as those who know me will be able to tell by how much I'm writing)

So thank you for reading, thank you for inspiring my thoughts this way, and take care of Number 1
Regards
Michael

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