All a bit of a muddle.

It is fair to say that normal service in my head is starting to resume now. Hopefully it is showing to some people at least, with less desperate attempts for attention, and slightly less weird and unpredictable behaviour. Obviously some of the above will remain to a degree, as it's who I am. But when depressed it's just all of that on steroids, with side effects.

Hopefully by now it is also showing in my writing style, as my head clears, the words begin to flow more freely. The one killer of course is moods. I can have a head full of things to write, but not be in the right frame of mind. At this moment in time they are flowing like the overflow of a dam. 

As I think back over the past couple of months, I question some of my actions and decisions. Knowing that some have been a little damaging to put it lightly. Others forming an unchangeable course of events to slip into motion. I won't claim it was all the depression, or blame it on other things, at the end of the day it was me. While I don't subscribe to "regret" as such, I can still manage to wish things had worked out differently at least.

Some of the things I have said and done made sense at the time, a few still do. But there is one particular thing I that I can't get my head around still, and it's quite a delicate one.

I blogged a while ago saying that I thought I was destined to be alone, and quite frankly was happy about that. In some way I stand by that statement. Being the only one, means the sole master of your destiny. Rather than blaming other peoples decisions, or feeling out of control, its ALL you. There is a sense of security to be found in there somewhere. Less emotional uncertainty, less vulnerability to influences and stresses of others and so on.

But there is another side, one which I am slowly starting to remember. Physical contact, and the feeling of being cared about. I am not going to lie, there are a number of reasons it is all a bit unfamiliar to me. Some know more about this than others, but either way, starting to miss that again after such a long time of it being switched off is really confusing. Again, as that has returned, some bad decisions have been made from the search for that too. Awkward! 

Simply seeing a romantic scene on TV is enough to make my heart soften, and a little part of me rumble into life like your tummy does when you are hungry. Same thing I guess, both are hungry for something.

While at times I can imagine being fine on my own, and not having to worry about feeling rejected or second best ever again, I can also remember so well how it feels just to snuggle up to watch TV, or just share a moment with someone you care about, and know they care about you too. It's not about getting down and dirty, or naked intimacy. The parts I miss most about a relationship are the simple things. Just a nice long hug, tight and warm is all it takes for me. Just thinking about it as I write this makes me feel warm and fuzzy recalling such things from my past, and yearn for the feeling once again in my life. Is a hug really too much to want?

Emotions are a funny old thing, and as my recovery continues, and I return to my normal deep thinking, soft hearted, emotionally vulnerable self, so much comes rushing back to me. I had forgotten what being emotionally excited meant for starters. I forgot how it feels to be helpless about something, but at the same time so happy about feeling that way. I forgot what unconditional feelings were like, and how it is OK to let yourself go at times, and just enjoy the moment.

I guess what I am saying really here is that not only am I recovering from a long bout of depression, but in the process I am reconfirming who I really am. Who I was all along. Starting to realise how much of my true self I have suppressed for so long now. I have struggled for a long time now to rediscover my true self. Many blog entries have covered the subject, Michael or Snazy , the reinvention of Michael Snasdell, and so on... They all tried to find a way to unlock myself again, stop being fake, stop wearing a mask, and live MY life as it should be. And now, I think I am getting there. 

So I take it all back, I don't want to be single if at all possible. I want someone in my life who I can me ME around, stupid, carefree, and childish. But at the same time I would love to be with someone who allows me in to their life. To care for them, and express myself the way I have always wanted to be able to. I'm an idiot at times, far from what you would call romantic, but not through lack of trying. But I just want to not have to be someone I'm not, ever again!

I know it's a big ask. I'm 43 now, a bit strange, far from good looking, and working hard on my health.But surely there is someone out there insane enough to take what they see, and give it a go? I'm not asking for a life of crazy lust, or a blank canvas, just someone who likes to explore the mind like I do, willing to slowly open up emotionally, like a flower, and just enjoy life on the same mental level as me.

That or switch the whole lot off again and just stick with being single! #AllOrNothing

So there you go, as I come round from what feels like a long mental coma, as awareness returns, and I start to realise I have a heart again, emotions take a hold, and I miss being held (I know, so masculine!) 

God help me when the next love scene comes on TV, I might just melt away from existence. 

Feel free to take the piss at any point. But writing from the heart is just what I do. 

PS, more cheerful and maybe even a little amusing blog to follow, promise!

What an interesting week its been.

I have had some busy weeks in my life, some confusing ones, and some ground breaking monumental ones, but this one has taken the biscuit really.

I should start by saying, I am writing this blog while testing some SoundPEATS Q800 headphones, and listening to Years and Years. But I am sure I will mention the headphones again at some point, as I am reviewing them for the company.

Right, back to my week...

My week started with a visit from a surveyor to see how much movement there has been in the walls since the house collapse years ago, and to see about starting to make good the damage caused by the movement of the walls. Some fair sized cracks, but he is happy they are now totally stable and work can commence. So that is now another room I can get on with smartening up a bit, and who knows, I might even put a spare bed in there. Just in case one day I have guests. Unlikely I know!

Tuesday was a little busier with a visit from the gas people to do the annual safety check on the place, which I am happy to say was a pass. Last time this guy came to do the check, the cooker was condemned! Doh. Amazingly and almost irritatingly, the guys came pretty early to do the check, which left me with a void in my morning. So I made the most of it and did..... NOTHING!
The afternoon was a bit different, another of my trips to Guys Hospital for another session of ongoing treatment. As its the same ladies I see each time, it makes the visits a little less daunting, and a relationship of humour has been built quickly.

Visiting Guy's is a bit love hate for me. Each time I enter the building I see the signs for Tabbard Annexe and cringe slightly. Remember the many visits with mum during her fight with cancer. The staff in there were always amazing, but I guess it's memories like that which provoke the sadness of the whole matter. Even walking across the car park reminds me of having to rush into the hospital on the day mum collapsed getting out of the car. A trip which resulted in her going through a whole load of tests. Amazing place all the same.
Anyway, thankfully I am NOT visiting Tabbard, so it's not so bad I guess.

Tuesday was also the day that Florida was finally cancelled. Since splitting up, I guess I have always just wondered when the trip would be cancelled, and maybe would have liked it to have happened sooner, but hey, it was hardly unexpected. So no hard feelings or anything. Sure its disappointing, and strange not going to see The Gabbay's for the annual food and insults even of the year haha, but I am sure it will happen sooner or later. It's for the best, and all part of moving on in separate directions, so all is well. Shame British Airways are so harsh with their cancellation fees. 60% 30 days before really takes the biscuit. Not like re-selling a holiday to Florida is exactly going to be hard now is it?

Wednesday was weird, I got up, walked the dogs, went to work, came home and didn't really do much at all. After doing so much on the days prior, it was nice to not have anything to do. Catch up with Gotham which I have been meaning to watch for ages now, do some stretching for my back and achillies, and an early night.

Thursday was an unexpected trip to the vets with Aana. Having gone last week with concerns about her breathing, and being so lethargic at times, a week of antibiotics had not had an effect. The dogs had got into a couple of fights this week too, with the changing behaviours and moods of both causing clashes. One with a very near miss to Aana's eyes. Her leaving her food on Thursday morning was enough to trigger another call to the vets to get her seen asap. A short notice evening appointment was arranged, and I have to be grateful to my work and a colleague for being kind enough to make arrangements allowing me to make the appointment.
Getting Aana in the car raised more concerns on the way to the vets. Her usual playful excited bound to get in the car is gone, and replaced with a hesitant, jerky rocking trying to get in the car.
Arriving at the vets it was nice to see Rafa, the amazing and ever caring man who takes such good care of the dogs, and has a wonderful bond with them both. Aana immediately relaxed as he examined her. Thankfully within a minute of walking in, she presented her symptoms clearly, coughing and choking in the examination room in front of Rafa. So at least he knew exactly what I was trying to explain.
Sadly the examinations were inconclusive, so bloods were taken to check for a few things. I should add, on mentioning that she licks her paw / leg when shaved for a blood draw or cannula, Rafa suggested drawing from the neck, and as quickly as it was said, it was done, no fuss. Accompanied by another of his great stories of being in Spain, and how he drew blood from large flocks of sheep up in the Spanish mountains when he was a young vet. No sheering, just line up and hit the vein.
Another course of antibiotics have been given, and we are back in on Monday to follow up on her progress, and admit her for sedation and proper checks on her throat if needed. Its gonna get expensive, but hey, she is worth it really. The stinky, psychotic little furball.

Friday, I was back in hospital again, so another day off work. Which was nice timing really, as it meant I could keep an eye on Aana too, and see how she is getting on with the antibiotics too. The trip to the hospital was a nice one, out of rush-hour for both trains and the lifts at the hospital. It is strange having to factor in lift waiting time, into your travel time to appointments, but it is a reality.

So, that was my activity for the week. But of course that gets mixed in with a whole load of other stuff, so lets cover that off too.

First up, I should go back to the headphones I am still listening to the Years and Years album on. Midweek I was contacted by someone via twitter, asking if I would be interested in doing a review of their headphones, and writing a blog about it for them. Strange to be approached that way, and no idea why I was selected like that, but honestly, I was grateful for the opportunity, so after doing some checks and speaking to them about it, I accepted. There is a possibility when I am done with the review, that I will be able to arrange a giveaway of another pair of them. So watch this space for the chance to win a pair. I have to say, early days, I'm honestly surprised and pleased with them.
When I got home yesterday evening, the box from Amazon was at my door, and the testing begun.

There have been highs and lows over the past week for sure. Moments of realisation, and a few genuine smiles. Feels strange.
A neighbour I have spoken to for a long time (who now reads this blog from time to time, (nosey cow!) has been kind enough to spend more time chatting, and keeping an eye out for me, so it has been nice to pop around and spend some time chatting with her and her brother (Hamilton fan, poor sod!) about a million and one topics.
I have always been quite solitary, but have always needed a sounding board, an outlet. For years mum played that role, then of course poor Chantal, who was forced to endure my moaning every evening while walking the dogs or watching TV(or trying to). So recently, being on my own has honestly been driving me crazy. All the thoughts, experiences, and noises in my head, trapped there unable to get them out into the open world. Apart of course by blogging them. But that doesn't always work for me.

I have to say at this point, that for a man of my stature, with drives, emotions, and habits like mine, I really do rely on females a LOT in my life. I'm not sure if I trust them more, relate better with women, or its just how it freakishly works out. Either way, I surround myself with women, and some rather gorgeous ones at that. Hopefully, it is a two way thing, and they benefit from me being around too. I would hate to think I impose myself on them, or am a chore.

I do of course speak and socialise with guys too, but I think at some times, rather than opening my soul and revealing the true issues eating away at me, I modify them, and get all testosterone filled, and macho about it, and avoid the issue completely. I have my moments of openness and honesty with some, but that is rare in comparison to how I am in the presence of women. It is almost like there is some male bullshit barrier and awkwardness. Shame really, as when the roles are reversed and a guy wants to chat to me about things, I am usually able to show compassion and be honest about their situation. Maybe it is just me holding back, and making the conversation more awkward than it needs to be. Barriers up, mask on.... Sounds about right for me, but then that is me over thinking things to the extreme, as usual.

Speaking of the women in my life who I find it easy to speak to, respect their opinions, and usually come away feeling better for speaking to, one of them without a doubt has to be Nikki.. Well in fairness there seem to be a lot of people around called Nikki (with that spelling) these days, but I'm sure the right one knows I mean her.
We share a common attitude to everyday life, and find honesty and openness being the best way to live your life. Think it, say it, act on it! So thank you to Nikki for her blatant, say it like it is attitude in our conversations. I would say you have no idea how refreshing and helpful it is, but I actually think you do. Given how frequently the conversations are two way about the same subject and predicaments we both find ourselves in. Last nights brief exchange was both hilarious and grounding, so cheers for that one too.

It has also been a week of realising I'm not as washed up as I maybe thought I was. Broken mentally and physically, it has never been an appealing feature for many, but it would appear I seem to focus on the negatives, and have ignored the positives. Positives others seem to have found in me from our occasional and short encounters. It is quite flattering really, and dare I say motivating too. Inspiring me to think a little higher of myself, and look after myself a bit better. It is probably what I need right now, a boost, and that feel good factor to make me push a little harder to get back into shape, and care for myself, as much as I seem to care for others.
Sure I have physical limitations which I need to explore and push a little to get to where I want, but hopefully a little positive mental attitude will go a long way for me.

The issue I have now is staying in control. Not letting the moment run away with me, not get caught up in the moment, and to take baby steps. Making sure that each step is the right one, a wanted one, and taking me where I feel comfortable and want to be. This is one of my biggest issues. Past being a coward who is too timid to take the first step onto a path. After taking the first step, my brain takes off running. I am miles along the road, and lost inside my head within seconds. Thinking is fine, taking the time to give matters thought is important in fact, but over thinking, obsessing and dreaming up doom outcomes is where my head works best. So if I have darkened your inbox with messages for chats in the past, prepare yourself. Shit might get real soon!

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say in all this is, after a long, interesting and slightly challenging week, thanks to some great women, I am back up there. In a happy place with a positive mind. So thank you all. Three main ones ;)

And finishing up with this vague little gem. Thank you for making me realise I wasn't imagining things all this time.

Highs and lows

Without a doubt the most powerful drug know to humans it the mind. Yes Obviously the mind is affected by drugs, but the urges, sensations it creates all on its own are so damn powerful. Taking a perfectly good day into the pits, or a terrible day into the skies in a flash.
Some might say the heart plays a part in that, and maybe in a metaphorical way it can, in the same way we suffer heartbreak etc. But the truth is it is our thoughts and feelings which truly control our mood and state of mind.

Many years ago, before a night out, feeling down, a friend took a whole cocktail of drugs which would have most completely off their face, and high into the heavens. But seemingly over-riding the effects of the drugs, his mind kept him low as can be. Thought process and ability to function however was as affected as you would expect. Nothing but his own thought process was going to free him from this spiral.

As anyone who read the last few blogs will know, I have been on a bit of a whirlwind tour of my mind recently, dropping to basement level a few days ago, without warning, or indication that anything was wrong, my mind just bombed. Being quite familiar with lows like this, I prepared for the worst, and got myself ready for a long low period. Yet for some reason (part of which I understand) I bounced back, stronger and harder than I ever recall. By the next morning I was back to my old self +10% more. Strange for me.

For a long time now it has been clear to me that I am influenced by those around me, affected by their moods and state of mind. Am I a mood leech or something, or do I just get affected by trying to make others feel better at my own expense. Draining myself of mental energy for the sake of others? Strange, but I really don't know.

I had lunch with a good friend yesterday, speaking of lots of subjects including one very prominent at the moment to me. Speaking about it, I made perfect sense of the two conflicting sides of me which battle it out, trying to justify my behaviour towards certain others, and make sure that things are not totally one sided. But the truth is, its natural in today's life to give and not take, or vice versa. Sadly my tiny mind struggles with this concept at times, and for that, I pay the price.

Sometimes I wonder if I carry out apparently selfless acts for moral gratitude, from no other than myself. Like an arsonist who likes to watch their fire burn, gloat in the control of the situation and feed from its energy, I wonder if I am the same. Do I get some form of satisfaction from 'helping' others, or am I just getting close gloat on their misfortunes. Only to be drawn in, and feeling obligated to help. The two sides of my mind once again in conflict.

As ever, songs play a huge part in driving my moods, and there are certainly a few in my playlists recently provoking emotions for sure. But how.... Well simple.. My mind. Like I say, the most powerful drug known to humans. Taking the words of others used as lyrics for a song. Translating them in a way where they fit to my state of mind, thoughts or emotions, and turning them into powerful musical messages to myself. Stirring my emotions, and putting my mind into places of happiness and sadness. Sometimes in just minutes.
The drive to work can be torture, the wrong song at the wrong time and its all over for me, the day ruined in a flash. Or on the flip side the day is made in a second.

I have but a few influences on my mind recently, but powerful ones none the less. Conflicting, complex and confusing as hell, but the main thing is, im on a high, and I intend on staying here.

At times like this, my blog plays a key role, so my apologies for any weird ramblings like this that might appear over the coming days or weeks. But just know that getting it off my chest really halps with things, just like it did the other day. That simple Boom! entry changed a lot for me. So if you have things on your mind, trying to figure them out, get them onto paper or a screen. Better still if you can find anyone to listen, talk. Verbalising things can sometimes make so much sense. At times as I am saying something, I am understanding it at the same time.

The mind eh!


PS, I bought a new 'REAL' keyboard as I have a lot of writing planned over the coming weeks, so I am a happy man right now, loving typing once again.

Have a great day, and don't let that mind of yours mess about with you.

Boom!

Have you ever had one of those moments,  be it a penny dropping or a bulldozer smashing through the walls of your mind.  Suddenly something changes or just makes sense,  and boom! It's done.

Just had one of those right this very second.  Like a plane hitting an air pocket and dropping a thousand feet in a few seconds.

A void appears,  consuming you,  taking your thoughts both rational and fictional,  and tearing them into tiny pieces. Uncertainty looms,  confusion arrives,  and your mind works overtime to try and regain control.

Mental and emotional free fall sets in,  and you are along for the ride.  Simple thoughts now become complex and confusing,  the most mundane task seems like a chore.  How could this all happen so fast?

Sometimes references in life can trigger you to draw parallels to your own business,  be they fictional,  or factual. First hand or a tale told by another,  they are all relevant when your mind makes that connection. 

Helpless,  the fall is over,  you have survived it,  but are lost,  in  a strange place,  no idea where you are,  where to go to seek out the normality you crave so badly now. Searching  the deepest corners of your mind,  trying to find the reference you need to make sense of it all,  and to get back to your crazy life you call reality.

Strength,  lacking in it,  you dig deep,  a smile,  a thought,  just something to give you the strength you need right now,  right this second to take control again,  become the master of your own destiny once more,  and shake free from  the reigns which have guided you to this place.

Rise....  From the ground,  collecting yourself,  gathering your thoughts,  drawing up your battle plan to once again be that person.

Welcome to the inner workings of my mind.  Another epic mistake,  a misunderstanding or simply over reaching? The question need not be answered,  but the lesson must be learned.

Night night.

To write, or not to write, that is the question.

As some of you may recall, a few years back I lost my mum to cancer after a long battle. In the wake of that, I started writing another blog called The Diaries of a Cancer Carer. The aim of this blog was mixed. Self help for myself, as an outlet of all the emotions and experiences , but also some kind of reference to others going through the same.

A short while into the writing, I kind of lost my way for a bit, so the writing ground to a halt. But recently I have been inspired to maybe give it another shot.
I did buy a nice shiny new PC  while back so I could carry on writing another old project, but I don't seem to have found my way back to it yet. Who knows, maybe this is what I need.

One thing I DO need is a proper keyboard. The one on the Dell, this one on my Chromebook, and the one on the laptop just are not up to the job of a proper keyboard pounding session.

SO...... Shall I knuckle down and get back on with it?

Struggles with emotions

For years now I have been perceived in many different ways,  from warm and caring,  to cold and callous. I see myself somewhere in the middle,  while I care about  things that are important to me,  I am somehow able to override or switch off from other emotions.

It seems the closer something or someone is to me,  the more I am able to ignore or at least mask my feelings about it.

Over the years friends and family have become ill or died suddenly,  yet I recall only ever crying once. When Adam died.  The first person I had ever spent a lot of time with,  dying. It was a bit of a shock to the system,  but passed quickly. Previously to that my aunt had passed after a short illness, and while I was openly saddened by it,  I somehow felt peace from knowing she wasn't hurting anymore.

But as the years have gone by,  I recall crying very little,  even about some rather traumatic times I have experienced. Is it normal not to cry,  is it strong or weak to cry? Everyone has a different answer.

Personally I have no shame or fear of the emotion,  and from past recollections,  I remember feeling relieved and exhausted by the experience,  but at the same time satisfied. So not being able to have a release when going through a tough time can really suck at times.

I have noticed over the past few years that I get choked up quite easily now,  emotional stories,  tear jerking films,  or even moments which get the heart racing and adrenaline pumping around the body,  the throat tightens,  the eyes water,  but it's far from crying.

Over a space of 4-5 years I have lost a lot of people very close and dear to me. When family you have known your whole life slowly slip away from you,  you expect  the mind and body to need a release,  turn a page,  start fresh,  cleanse the soul and all that.  But for some reason,  for me,  nothing! All just matter of fact,  all just par for the course.

So great has my concern grown at times about this,  I have actually sought counselling in the past,  to talk through my feelings and see if there is either a trigger I'm missing,  or a blockage in my mind stopping me letting go.  Something  from  my past which makes me fear crying,  but there isn't.

My only thought on the matter is that I have had a bit of a tough life in younger years,  learned to be a bit of a loner due to things which have happened,  and somehow shut down the part that shows weakness and sorrow.  I can express it verbally,  I can rationalise death so clearly,  but just can't rally up the physical emotion.

It's a strange feeling,  a horrible feeling,  emotional constipation to be blunt.  While I know there are people who think they are weak or silly to cry,  people who mock crying,  I can only envy those people who can actually tap in,  and let go.

I have never grieved,  rarely expressed emotion over any kind of break ups or partings of friends,  and look on helplessly as others around me express their emotion on a common subject.

This isn't a strength,  I know that for sure.  And while it makes me a strong character,  someone who can be relied on at a time of distress or upset,  it is a weakness in the same breath.  As you look  to me to help you cope,  as I hold you your hand and tell you it will be ok and to let it all out.  Deep inside I envy you and wish we could swap for just one minute,  and you could help me dig deep within my soul and open it up.

Not sure where this blog has come from,  guess it's like the lava of a volcano bubbling away under the surface.  It may never erupt,  it may never be seen,  but somewhere in the depths of me it a boiling pot of emotions.....

Thanks for reading.