Mood bombs

It's amazing just how fast a mood can bomb when you are of fragile mind and easily influenced. From a dull but positive morning and afternoon,  to a relaxing evening,  all seemed on track for an OK day.

Hoping to end the day on a positive note,  I went to bed earlyish to avoid being over tired. However on my way to bed events started to unravel,  and by the time I made it to bed,  within 5 minutes the day was destined to end on a pretty shitty low.

Don't ask why,  thats just too complicated to explain right now,  and more to the point I don't get it myself. But either way it sucks right now.

Fingers crossed I wake tomorrow in a better mood. I have an increased dose of medication to look forward to tomorrow,  so that's a bonus eh.

Wish I could explain how it feels to have the bottom drop out of your mood in a flash. And once it's gone,  you are left struggling to climb back out of the hole you fall into. For anyone who does actually understand the feeling,  you have my sympathies.

Right,  I better lay back down and stare at the ceiling for a bit,  then be restless for another hour or so.

Night.

Time, it's a strange old thing.

Time, the ticking clock of life, never stopping til our final breath. Constant in rhythm, but not in its direction.
I have had a lot of time recently to look back at my life, and make comparisons of then and now on many fronts. The deeper I have dug, the more I have realised about myself, and if I am honest, the more I have grown confused about who I am now. The thought process isn't a controlled one, nor a voluntary one. More something that imposes itself upon me at the most inopportune moments possible. Like when trying to relax or get some sleep.

Anger. That is the first thing I realise that has changed about me. People use the term "he has mellowed with age", and while it seems a bit cheesy, I have to say it is the case with me. I can look back and remember times when anger got the better of me, for the right and wrong reasons. Kicking a moving car as it jumped a red light almost hitting my new born daughters buggy, then chasing the driver down, who turned out to be huge, but not backing down. Punching through a panel in a door after a very emotional conversation with my daughters mum, telling me I couldn't see my daughter. Which resulted in slicing through my hand, gushing with blood, and having to call my heavily pregnant sister at work to ask her to come and help stop the bleeding.
The last true episode of frustration and anger I recall is when I had my Golf, back in about 2006, getting frustrated with the rear wiper I was trying to fix, knocking a few tools out of the toolbox, and losing it, and emptying the contents out, causing my then girlfriend to get very upset.

There have been many examples before that, but time has indeed mellowed me, or something has. While I still shout abuse when frustrated, and occasionally get mad at others on the road, the bulk of the anger is all in the past. Or should I say, the bulk of all irrational behaviour is history.

Then there is sadness to the point of crying. One of the emotions I really wish I hadn't lost, but went a long long time ago. The pressure valve that is crying, is a helpful one in life. When it all gets too much, it's nice (from what I recall) to just let it all go, and feel a bit better without all that emotion clogging you up inside. My last recollection of crying was around 2002, and if I recall correctly Simon Watts was the poor sod who had to listen to me blubbering on the phone for ages. But remembering back to then, I actually can, I remember by the end of the conversation feeling relieved. If you compare the need to crying to the need to pee, once it starts relief begins, and by the end of it, all is much better. Strange comparison, forgive me.

There have been lots of times in the past 13 years where crying probably would have really helped me out, but alas it doesn't happen. I get choked up, I get teary eyed, but that's as far as it goes. The death of loved ones, sad news shared with others, hell even emotional endings to films. Nothing sets the tear ducts in full motion these days, and quite frankly it sucks. I know people say some people cry too much, and I'm sure it's a chore to cry at everything, but bottling it up for years and years... That really isn't nice. If I ever do cry again, I might actually need to be put on a drip to keep me hydrated.

Other needs and emotions seem to have changed too. Like I would kill for a no strings cuddle up on the sofa with a take away and a movie, over a crazy lust filled chase for gratuitous sex. (NO, I am not saying I don't like sex anymore lol). I guess as you experience things in life, you learn what matters and what doesn't. The past decade has taught me some very valuable lessons in that department, including what physical acts are important to me over others. I know this is all a bit strange to share, but it's never stopped me in the past, so why get shy now eh.
I read an article this morning actually saying that five good long hugs a day are good for you, and it stimulates certain centres in the brain. The article is here... http://time.com/4042834/neuroscience-happy-rituals/

The content I refer to here is this part.

So hug someone today. And do not accept little, quick hugs. No, no, no. Tell them your neuroscientist recommended long hugs.
Via The Upward Spiral:
A hug, especially a long one, releases a neurotransmitter and hormone oxytocin, which reduces the reactivity of the amygdala.
Research shows getting five hugs a day for four weeks increases happiness big time.

So any offers from any of my cute female friends to help me out with this one is appreciated. Til then, it's just me an my Primark pillow :'(
But seriously, of the few I have had over recent times, it is somewhat true. A hug can feel so warm and reassuring. Hence sofa snuffle over bedroom fumble.

Back when mum was about, I was living as the son role. Even though I was grown up, mentally I still just had fun and didn't care much for the consequences. In later years, looking after her, and having to take responsibility, and get a grip on actual adult living came as quite a shock. No more safety net, and worse still, I had lost my outlet of impartiality. Now and forever more when confiding information, or just blowing off steam, choosing the right person was imperative. Naturally I think at this point I stopped being totally open. And the bottling up of thoughts and emotions begun.
I know I am open on here, but trust me there are so many more things I would not dare share openly, or in fact with another person. Trust for me is hard to find.

And there we have the next thing that time has changed. Trust.
Once upon a time, although I would not open my heart to people, I trusted a few to carry some of my darker secrets. In recent years, there is no other way to say it than I have been betrayed. Hung out to dry and offered for sacrifice, in one case almost to the point of losing my job. Yet the same people who did these things happily speak to me when the mood suits as if there is nothing wrong. Even enquiring about personal matters, like I am going to share anything like that with the backstabbing arseholes. Not just the work issue, but other times when a closely guarded secret has suddenly been discussed with others, putting me in an awkward position.
I like to think I am a pretty open book, and a straight shooter. Want to know how I feel about something? Simple, ask me. You might not like what you hear if the question is about yourself, but I will do my best to convey my feelings on the matter.
So over the years I have learned not to trust people. Sadly that leaves a select few to be burdened with all my inner most thoughts. Sorry about that.

Time changes people, it's true. But more to the point our experiences in life, over time change us, and make us the people we are today. In my case I am not sure that is such a good thing. I would not go as far as to say I am broken, but I certainly feel like some experiences in life have had a negative impact on me.
After my daughter I lost interest in having any more kids, even if the relationship had presented the opportunity, I would shy away for sure. Having been through something so traumatic as to lose contact for so long, 17 years almost now, the thought of taking that chance again scared the shit out of me for years.
That's just one example of how my past has changed me. Before that happened I couldn't wait to be a dad. Sad really.

I will wrap up by saying how I realise how much recent times have again changed me, and when it comes to self confidence, approaching situations where rejection is possible, or just laying myself bare for judgement in any walk of life, I am weak!

Oh well. Time to rebuild I guess eh.

I advocate free speech.... Now shut up!

The irony involved in the recent events with one Catriona Stewart and the editor at The Herald Scotland, is nigh on unbelievable.

I will start my latest rant with the news that in response to the ridiculous article written by Ms Stewart, and subsequently published by The Herald, being ridiculed by the public in mass, the editor made a statement saying, while he didn't agree with the article, he advocates free speech. This ironically was around the time that comments on the original article were deleted, and all future comments prevented. If that's not a good show of free speech, I don't know what it.

And by free speech I mean, free speech for the media, who feel they have the right to make outrageous comments about certain categories of society, incite acts of vandalism towards owners of expensive cars, and defend themselves with vague off point comments. And of course when it all gets a little too real world for them, they just block you from the conversation, be it on Twitter, or by turning off comments to an article.

In a twist of irony, it would seem a few months back Ms Stewart herself was the victim to her car being damaged in a supermarket car park. This of course was different, it was a car being driven at breakneck speeds, dangerously reversed in the car park. When the damage occurred, the driver of the other recklessly driven vehicle got out and said "its OK" or words to that effect. This alone would suggest the damage was minimal. Being that it was a car reversing would limit the speed somewhat too. But no, not according to the victim of the episode, Ms Stewart. No you had to be there to see it. It was dangerous driving, it was bad, it was wrong, she was a victim. Amazing how things change when the boot is on the other foot, eh!

A number of replies and tweets from the paper all indicate that there is little support for the piece within the upper echelons of the organisation. With most comments saying how it is not a shared opinion. One even commenting that as the editor he does not agree with the piece, but it wasn't on his watch, so its nothing to do with him. Sod responsibility and morals right, "ain't my fault" works every time.

Further questioning on the piece has lead to another gem, this time Ms Stewart passing the buck. You see the original seemed to have a gripe with Audi. In fact it was name dropped a few times in a couple of sentences. I can almost see her punching the four letters on the keyboard each time she typed it. Such focused hatred. Maybe you should speak to someone about that.

I often feel like keying swanky cars. I particularly feel like keying Audis.
One day someone will buy an Audi and decide to be the one person to change the reputation of Audi drivers. They'll drive their Audi and they'll be a decent guy.

That's right, get it off your chest now.
Now the problem was, Audi is quite a big company, and writing hateful things about a company the size of VAG is likely to quite quickly land you in trouble. So a copy reader was kind enough to look the article over, find the bit that would land them in deep do-do, and leave in the remainder of the nutty mindless rant. Of course, Ms Stewart is quick to point out that it wasn't her, it was the copy reader who made the changes from Audi to performance-car. I wonder how much more she would suggest was re-written, and how little is actually her doing. Hey I bet she doesn't even have an issue with people of better means than her own.

Following my first blog on this matter, which I would like to thank people for taking the time to read and share, I have actively been using Twitter to try and get some answers on her deluded approach to vandalism of cars. This, along with a little mocking of her car park accident, and re tweeting of other insightful tweets, landed me.... SILENCED ! That's right people, I have been not only muted but blocked from her Twitter now. As I believe have a whole host of other people who have also tried to engage with her about the matter.

All the while, as comments are disabled, twitter feed blocked, and comments on other mediums (like this one) ignored. The story remains front and centre. Editors disagree with the story, public figures in the motoring world have questioned the intentions of the piece, hell even Hackney Police have commented with a very simple "Wow, speechless" about the matter.
But we forget (OK some have pointed it out already on forums), this is the media we are talking about, and even more importantly the online media. For every person who clicks on the story, which I might add is close to going viral now, its a click through, a hit on their website, and looks amazing when they sell their next advertising spot.
So what was an outrageous story, written by an attention seeking, Hopkins wannabee nut job, has turned into something as simple as click bait now.

Anyone who works in the public eye knows they are only as good as their last piece or act. A massive history of great reporting can be destroyed by a single mindless piece with an agenda (like this one). I have no doubt Ms Stewart was employed based on fantastic qualifications and reporting abilities. None of which would appear to have been present when this last piece was written.
Attention is attention right, any press is good press, and all that. A name not to be forgotten. But its the title that goes next to the name that is important, not just having one. And when it is Catriona Steward - Imbecile Reporter, I would not consider it a great one.
There are plenty of examples in history to relate to.

In short, dear Herald, you have had your fun, five minutes of fame, now its time for the story to go. It's hate filled, its immoral, and its glorifying illegal activities.

I would of course love to see a full, official response to the article, hey maybe even reply on here. I promise not to turn off comments ;)

That's me for now. Only other thing to say is I really do hope the owner of the Aston who was the victim of a crime, and has been made out to be some arrogant, dangerous driving, idiot here, pursues a complaint against the writer and organisation for deformation of character, and somehow making out that he deserved the damage, just for owning a car.

One more thing Ms Stewart... Just an idea. If you feel so strongly  that his actions deserve a medal, and you really believe that keying expensive cars is the right way to go. When the man you admire so much, dear Gary, is next in court, why don't you offer yourself as a character witness, and tell a judge how you feel. I dare ya!

Profiling and pigeon holing....

Its something we are all guilty of to an extent, just part of human nature, and  a sub concious part of our predator vs prey defence system. Regardless of if you are trying to make judgements or decision, or its just happening all on its own, your brain is constantly assessing people and things around you. Now, most of those results are very simple. Scanning for danger, threats, or warning signs around us. Its how we cross roads, drive cars, and even just walk down the street. They are quick, sub-concious decisions, made in less than the blink of an eye. Like the decision in a flow diagram, each response triggers an action and so on.

So all perfectly natural up until this point.

However, sometimes we allow our decision making process to become a very concious thing, and that's where it takes a turn, sometimes for the worst. When we profile a situation, say walking past a group outside a shop. The average person listens for raised voices, checking for anger and aggression, looks for body language, very visible arm and hand gestures, lots of jumping around, or calm... We make that decision very quickly and act accordingly. Some people however allow another influence in to their decision making process. Stereotypes and pigeon holing.

For these people, the answers to the first questions were all safe, calm, relaxed, no shouting... But hang on, what's their ethnic origin.. Once we know that then surely the decision rests on that and that alone. Are they from a nation stereotyped for thefts, violence, harassment? Well then clearly the situation is dangerous. Turn back before all hope is lost!

Statistics bare some of the blame for this, as well as negative reporting from all aspects of mainstream and social media. Each group claiming the other is to blame, each group stereotyped for certain behaviours.  Just like all Chelsea and Millwall fans are mindless violent thugs, all Romanians are deemed thieves, or Nigerians are scammers. Its this kind of pigeon holing of groups in society, both official and public that cause most of today's problems. This isn't to say of course that there is NO truth in the statistics, of course there is. But how it is reported, and how it is interpreted by society is what really makes the difference.

If a headline read "20 black men detained in street brawl" certain groups in society would role their eyes and draw conclusions about how violent they are, and it must be a gang. If the sub headline then read. "100 armed white men descended on a Jamaican club this evening, starting a racially motivated attack. Police detained the victims in a police carrier for their safety" then some clarity would appear. However the choice of headline is what gets the ball rolling on how we perceive a story, and from that point on, we have already drawn a preliminary conclusion to the matter. Its all about getting the whole story, and not relying on a single line or statement to make our decisions on.

Sadly this darker side of profiling is present in all walks of society. Hatred and anger towards the armed forces, politicians, and the police. Obviously I am going to focus on the police here.

Now, starting with me experience of the police, something I can describe accurately and openly.
In trouble with the police in 1990 for the first time in my life, having encountered them on many occasions as a kid, just from being a little scallywag. In 1990 I did something wrong, and was dealt with for it. I was dealt with quite firmly, but maintained my respect for the police officers I was in communication with. Needless to say it was a different force back then. Mainly because people respected them. And not because they behaved differently as such, not because they were nicer people and fairer or anything. But because encountering the police in an official capacity meant you were busted, and there were no political correctness groups, hate groups, human rights groups or other 'its not fair' lobbyists telling them what you deserved.

One thing that has become SO very apparent over recent years is grading. And by that I mean of offences. Why is it every time someone is stopped or arrested for something, the line "do some real work, go catch some "insert here whatever crime the arrestee considers worse than theirs".Its a funny old world, where the criminal of whatever degree now has a say in what's right and wrong. Well if their feelings on right and wrong are so strong now... What happened during the offence?

In later years of my life I have experienced the changes in how the force works. From the difference in stance needed when making a simple traffic stop, to the paper mountain that now consumes the police. Most of which is necessary because of the onslaught of do gooders and PC activists who think they know best.
Example. Years ago I was stopped in Epsom, late at night, driving a modified car. Friendly stop, and soon became apparent that the motive for the stop was to ask questions about the car, as one of the officers was about to buy one. After a long chat, the officer in question apologised and said he was going to have to issue me a producer as there was a record of the stop, so all the boxes needed ticking. As he wrote it he continued to apologise, and we joked about how things had changed and they were not even able to stop me for a chat without paperwork.

It fair to say that not all encounters are as smooth, and I recall another stop, in the same car in Victoria. Again late at night, a car on blues wove its way through the one way system, came in behind me, flashed once, I indicated and slowed looking for a safe place to stop. This was followed by frantic headlight flashing, so I stopped immediately, sadly on zig-zags. The officer raced from the car, greeted me as I exited my car, and opened with "well that's a stupid place to stop". I responded by questioning his decision to become over excited with his headlights at this exact point, and offered to move the car a little further to a safer location and was told "don't bother, you are stopped now!"
So, its not all positive I have to say.

So lets go back to the beginning, profiling, snap decisions, and our reactions.
Many believe that officers of all nationalities and races have issues with the black community, and have no tolerance towards them. Fairness goes out of the window, and all are met with aggression and harsh treatment.
Having worked on housing estates for many years in an official capacity, I have seen many such encounters start, around the Notting Hill area, it was not uncommon for the police to sweep into an estate in the evening and do stop and searches. ANY group not making a fuss was dealt with quickly, as informally as possible, and with a happy ending (unless of course anything was found). However other groups who displayed frustration or anger, were indeed met with hostility and a very different approach. From the EXACT same group of officers who had just stopped the last group.

It goes back to pigeon holes and profiling. Groups of society learn from others, from past generations, we are taught what each group is, and somehow allow ourselves to be drawn into the mind of the hive. Reacting towards our first encounter with a group, with the lessons we were taught about them. If you grow up in a group or area with bad experiences, or just bad feeling towards another, it is going to be hard to shake those teachings. When the real encounter is made, we revert to instinct and behave accordingly.

When groups of people with historic bad experiences meet, a chain reaction begins. And as it continues, it snowballs, creating more memories and generating more bad blood. Somewhere along the line someone , somehow needs to stop the perpetuation of this. But the end is nowhere in sight.

So, to add to our pigeon holing exercise, all police are mindless thugs! A statement some would happily endorse. The media happily gloats at the continuation of bad feeling between social groups and the police, but like the headline, only tells you the information which will insight bad feeling, perpetuate the story, and give them a great story.

For the record I do NOT believe, nor endorse the above statements of pigeon holes. I feel that each member of society is an individual and starts out deserving respect and consideration of others. I do however believe also that our actions have consequences. Sometimes severe ones, and ones some find unfair and harsh. In this day and age I consider myself law abiding, and a decent member of society. I don't walk by on the other side, nor turn a blind eye. I expect all encounters with the police to be civil, unless I have behaved otherwise.
My final example, Sydenham High Street a few months back. Following a large brawl which I was not aware of at the time, the high street was shut. This had followed a big road traffic accident. Being nosey I made my way up the road to see, on crossing the road I was beeped by a bus who had decided to move off. Angered by his sudden action, and shocked due to being unable to move fast at the time due to ill health, I shouted at the driver. He stopped a few yards later and I made my way to the door to express my anger and frustration. I was greeted very quickly by two pumped up officers, telling me to back up, leave it, and giving me a good talking to. Now further angered and frustrated, I bowed my way from the situation and took to Twitter with some strong words.
Later than night I became aware of the mass brawl earlier, and realised that my actions followed those of the others, and in behaving in the same unruly manner, I had provoked, what I considered at the time, an over board reaction. Realising I was thoroughly in the wrong to have given the officers a hard time, I wrote a formal apology to Lewisham Police. Had I NOT toned down my anger at the time of the incident, I would have expected to have been strong armed to the ground, cuffed and led away. Thankfully having some respect for the officers, and indeed having been greeted in such a high energy manner, the situation calmed very quickly.

Sometimes the strong armed approach is the right approach, other times the gentle approach works better. What you have to consider here is, its training, drilled into the officers, self preservation kicks in and they will react to what they are confronted with. Batoning an 11 year old shoplifter would be excessive. But then believing you have a right to punch, kick, and bite an officer while they try and cuff you, is also very wrong.

Not all officers get it right, a tiny minority allow society to form negative opinions about them. The same way as the minorities in all walks of society create bad statistics and bad feelings about the majority of their groups. Two wrongs don't make a right, but put two groups together which are immediately defensive, and its a recipe for disaster, over and over again.
Then hype these encounters enough, make it seem like its the right thing, and society will believe you and the hatred and anger perpetuates.

This blog was written based on a sweeping statement made by someone, in this case towards and about the police. Using language which would be deemed offensive and inappropriate towards ANY minority group in society. Written media is a powerful and dangerous force. Just as this blog can be too. The written word is only as good as the choices the word-smith makes, and indeed the perception and interpretation of the reader. With no form of immediate discussion, its as simple as the black and white its written in.

There is no one group in society, official or public responsible for the world we live in, we have all played a part somewhere. Anyone who thinks otherwise, I simply disagree.

I could go on forever with this entry, but will end with the following.

Never judge a book by its cover. Colour , nationality, and background tell you nothing about what is inside. Take a second look, take a moment to think rationally, and give EVERYONE an equal chance. Everyone deserves one.

Steven Emerson...WTF !

First off, Fox News, where the hell did you find this idiot? And secondly, why the hell would you allow a man who clearly makes stupid uneducated statements a TV platform to do it from?

Shamefully I have to share his idiotic comments to make this make sense to anyone who has not seen it.

I have only seen just a short clip of the idiot on YouTube, and have to say I am shocked. In an open and free world, where travel and news between our countries is free flowing, where in the hell does a grown man get information like this from. And wherever it is, doesn't it even cross his tiny empty mind to double check it?

To go on television in front of however many viewers you had for the show, then to be seen by the growing masses as the #FoxNewsFacts hashtag begins to trend, and make statements suggesting Birmingham is 'Muslim ONLY' and that London somehow has some form of policing purely based on a single religion is offensive.

As someone from the UK, a country who apparently has a 'special relationship' with the USA, I am offended by this mans comments. The reason for my anger is a simple one, which is probably a good thing as you seem quite simple Mr Emerson.

While you parade yourself as some kind of expert, there are gullible people out there who will actually believe you. While to the educated among us scoff at your stupidity and ignorance, sadly there is a minority out there who will believe the UK is a segregated and hateful country. Somehow intolerant of the Muslim faith, and one which divides itself city by city.

Your ignorance feeds the anger which in turn causes the violence and hatred we see on a growing basis now. The media seems to thrive on spreading only the negative stories about such events, and brings religion, especially Islam, into every negative story it can. Then when the violence subsides for a while, the media switches to reporting on how religion and hatred for Muslims is causing unsettled societies.

So putting such a stupid man on screen, spouting such utter rubbish, just goes to show the true source of the hatred in society. No SOCIAL media..... NEWS media.. Drip feeding people daily on stories of fear and anger. Building walls, not bridges between the different races and religions in society. Black, unemployed, Muslim, broken home..... Where are the positive stories?

I don't need to say much more, the world of social media looks on with shock, shame and disappointment at both Fox News, and their supposed 'expert'. I have heard more believable stories from a naughty five year old trying to explain who broke the vase. Stop day dreaming, stop making stuff up and tell the truth.

In the light of recent events, and in the knowledge that this is far from over, I beg you news channels... Please please please stop insighting hatred  among people. Build bridges not walls, and stop thriving from the violence and suffering the misleading stories generate.

Lots of love...

Angry Londo

The great Blackberry outage.... Day 3

And so it continues, or so it seems..
Late last night RIM / Blackberry issued a statement saying the issue had been found, and was a core switch which had failed, and that they were working on the matter. The failsafe had also failed.
Users should expect slow service until the data backlog was cleared.... However, most woke this morning to very little more than one or two BBM messages that had slipped through, but very little more.

People in the UK are having a range of issues now, from almost full service, to nothing at all. Even big names like Sir Alan Sugar are getting on the action, questioning the information flow from RIM, and the resolution time. It was pointed out by a friend last night that he was pretty sure RIM were not taking their time on purpose, and that they would no doubt have their best people on it. Not forgetting that when the Playstation network went down, it was down for over a month.

It is fair to say that times like this make us all look at our mobile phone usage and dependency, and question has it all gone too far. For me, I am more annoyed at the failure to let me know what was going on, but now I know, I am happier about the matter. Now I am left thinking what impact not having BIS really has on me. Sure I have no BBM, and no email, and browsing is crippled, but my life still works fine, im breathing, and I can still walk. So all is NOT lost. I am however paying for a service I cannot use. So I am left with a simple question.... Do I NEED this service, or while I have the opportunity, do I contact my carrier and arrange an alternative device, contract or even cancel.

I did consider last night ordering an iPhone 3GS, but was subsequently told by Apple fans that it was basically a piece of junk and that I should go for the newer shinier iPhone4 or even the 4S.... So last week it was still a great phone, and this week its crap.... That view alone has quashed the idea of entering the Apple folds, I just cant follow something that is binned so quickly after a new product comes out. To me the Blackberry 9700 is still a very good phone, and I would own another if I needed to, same with the 8520 too. But apparently this does not apply in Apple circles.

So another afternoon of WTF is going on begins, and Blackberry owners will wonder how long until 100% service is restored. Hopefully however we can all look back and remember the great RIM outage of 2011 and respect the technology we all take for granted just a little more.