Sunday, May 26, 2013

Trapped in a cycle of self destruction

So here goes, I have a problem, I know I do and I am so damn desperate to get out of it it's unreal.. but right now I honestly can't. 
Depression comes in many forms, and manifests itself in many ways. One of the most common if for the person to lose interest in their own welfare, stop caring for themselves, and go on a downward spiral of self destruction. And right now, that's where I find myself.

Over recent months, probably stemming back to late Jan early Feb when life all got a little crazy for me, my eating habits have quite simply gone to shit. I have gone from a health crazy, pretty fit 39yr old, to a sack of crap, junk food eating, exercise dodging cuddly guy, and that's putting it nicely.

Each week I promise myself that THIS is the week I get back on the wagon, this is the week I start caring, but it doesn't change. I buy crap food, chocolate, biscuits, snacks of all kinds. Probably spending 3-4 times a day more than the sensible options would cost. By the end of the day, feeling sick from all the crap I have eating, I kinda hate myself for doing this to myself, and go to bed bloated and feeling almost physically sick.
But the next day I do it all over again.

I have proven to myself and others time and time again that I have willpower, determination and great mental strength, but right now the whole lot has simply abandoned me.

I'm not sure if it's a coping mechanism, just blocking out all the stresses and bad things in life right now, a co-conspirator with depression, or just a phase I'm going through. After all let's face facts, I do yo-yo when it comes to weight.

Whatever the case, I'm sick of it, I don't want to be this person anymore. I want my fitness back. I love that feeling of tight muscles, aches from training, definition slowly creeping through, and all around feeling good about myself. 
BUT, yes, another but... I can't bring myself to fail again. I don't want to try and fail within weeks. I'm lacking motivation right now, even though health and longevity of life should be more than enough for me.

I need to draw a line in the sand, set a plan, find some internal or external drive. Right now, I need a life preserver, quite literally. To stop this spiral, to stop me heading for the gutter, and to get me back on my feet again.

I'm trying here, getting it out there. Recognition and admission of issues are usually the first step to salvation, so let's hope this blog entry is just that step.

Thanks as ever for reading.

Regards
Michael

Sent from my BlackBerry Q10

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Fanatical, radical, extremist....

So obviously the next two words are 'muslim terrorist'... Or are they?
Actually no, they are not the next words, but they are the words that you would expect a child in today's society to associate with the first 3 words, or indeed the words that some people in society would like you to  think of every time you hear those words.
The current generation of kids and young people are bombarded with this word association game all the time, in conversation, on the TV, and in the newspapers. Everywhere we look we are being told that fanatical, radical or extremist is just another word for 'muslim' Just as past generations have dropped 'vacuum cleaner' for Hoover, or other items and activities for a brand name, so today's generation are fast believing that all radical fanatics will obviously be Muslims too. This is a serious issue, and one which anyone who cares truly about their country and younger generations should care about also.

First off, lets see what the words REALLY mean.

Fanatical...
describes someone whose admiration for something is considered to be extreme or unreasonable:His enthusiasm for aerobics was almost fanatical.Gary's fanatical about football.

Radical
believing or expressing the belief that there should be great or extreme social or political change:He was known as a radical reformer/thinker/politician.These people have very radical views.

Extremist
someone who has beliefs that most people think are unreasonable and unacceptable:a group of extremists (= people with extreme opinions)

OK, so none of the above cite a particular race, religion, nationality or anything else specific for that matters. What it DOES describe is a group of people who's views are NOT shared by the majority. People driven by  beliefs not shared by the mainstream, and groups who are seen as outsiders so to speak by the majority of society.

I can totally understand where the anger towards sick people who carry out vile actions against other humans comes from. It makes me as angry as the next person, and I don't want to share my society with people like this. But the key here is 'people' like this, not races or religions like this. We all have many tags and live under many banners in life, from our support of sports, to our choices of foods. Clothes we wear, brands we buy, hair colour and style, but we rarely find ourselves branded by these things.
Its only when groups or individuals start to categorise people, start to group them together, and make associations that things start to go wrong. But of course, depending which group you belong to, the beliefs can be very right or very wrong.

In the 80's and 90's in the UK, the country was FULL of groups like these, groups we seem to have forgotten about quite conveniently in order to focus our attention and in some case, our hatred, towards Muslims.
Growing up in those times I don't ever recall hearing chants of 'go home you pale white Irish terrorist wanker' to every Irishman who walked the streets. I refer of course to the long forgotten and seemingly forgiven IRA, who carried out dozens more attacks on British people and British soldiers. Allow me to draw your minds back to this event... See who can actually remember it for starters..

The corporals killings was the killing of corporals David Robert Howes and Derek Tony Wood, two British Army soldiers of the Royal Corps of Signals, on 19 March 1988 in Belfast, Northern Ireland. The out-of-uniform soldiers were shot by the Provisional Irish Republican Army (IRA), after they drove into the funeral procession of an IRA volunteer. Three days beforehand, loyalist volunteer Michael Stone had attacked an IRA funeral and killed three people. Believing it to be another loyalist attack, dozens of mourners attacked the soldiers' car. During this, Corporal Wood drew his service pistol and fired a shot in the air. The soldiers were then dragged from their vehicle, beaten, driven to nearby waste ground, stripped and shot dead. Because it was fully captured by television cameras, the incident has been described as one of the "most dramatic and harrowing images" of the conflict in Northern Ireland.

This is one simple example of a whole host of actions carried out by a terrorist group who came long before Al Qaeda, by Christians, possibly against other Christians, but all clearly justifiable right? Do we go on today preaching how Christianity is an evil and vicious religion, and that Christians should be driven 'back home' to where they came from. Or worry about 'radicalised Christians' ? Why ever not?

The fact of the matter is, people choose to use religion as a tool or terror for one simple reason. Mass belief. Not in their causes, but of their apparent faith. And by the media and hate groups constantly associating hatred towards people of the UK with Muslims, the ignorant hate groups, the nationalist groups who believe they are somehow representing the people of the UK, this whole cycle is perpetuated until its a violent, hate filled., bloody mess that it is right now.

Lets take a step back to the nationalist groups for a second.
Lets flip things here shall we. The media and bigots would have you believe that Islamist and Muslims are evil and violent, and filled with hatred towards the people of the UK.
HOWEVER...
The EDL, and other nationalist groups would like all foreign nations to believe that the whole of the UK follows the beliefs of the EDL, and that their ideal are shared by the masses..... Well they are not!
And for that reason alone, you find yourself in an awkward position. Let me recall now, 'a person or group with radical views considered by the majority to be extreme'... This actually almost puts the hate groups in the same leagues as those carrying out hate crimes against the UK.

My point here is, ANYONE trying to force and extreme view into the mainstream. Anyone who uses hate and lies against another group of people, makes threats of violence, and demands the removal of another group from society simply for having a religion, or being born into another race, in my eyes is an extremist, and should be treated the same way all other extreme groups are. With contempt of a civilised manner.

I could go on all day, but those who believe they have a cause to fight for will never agree, and those who are open minded enough to form their own opinions, live by decent morals, and respect the masses will do just that. For that reason, we should agree to disagree, and leave it at that.

I have no religion or faith, I am familiar with losing loved ones to illness, accident and hate. I have experienced quite a few cruel and sickening things in life, and consider myself to be just another member of the human race. A race which has no place for gangs, thugs, or hatred without cause. Just for one second, take a few deep breaths, take a few steps back, and take society in general for what it is. The masses go about their daily life without issue, interacting with people of all colours, races, beliefs and both sexes without thinking twice. Its not hard to treat people as individuals, and 99.9999% of the worlds population just want to live a long and healthy life.

Stop with the media hysteria and sensationalism of these stories, stop the sheep like following people have believing everything they are told, and form your own opinions, don't be fed it by others.

2 men brutally murdered another man in the streets of Woolwich this week. They CLAIM it was in the name of Islam, they CLAIM it was revenge for treatment of Muslims. They were also born and raised right here in the UK, educated in the UK, socialised in the UK. But wait, they were black, so that's a bad sign right? And they claim to be of the Muslim faith, so they are terrorists of course.... So many associations with so many groups, but does not detract from the truth, that 2 men killed another man. It happens around the world daily. Maybe not as brutally and blatantly, but evil killings occur daily. But for some ideological reason, it is not until the words Muslim or Islam are uttered that anyone pays the slightest bit of attention.

I'm going to stop now, as thinking about the ignorance that surround us is really quite frustrating and upsetting.

Simple message.... Be your OWN person, your own leader, and not the follower of someone else.




Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Isolation within a crowd.Marbles in my mind.

Having had days to dwell on how im feeling right now, I have finally stumbled across this explanation  which I might add is an old one. Have you ever stood in a crowded room, surrounded by people you know, yet still felt alone? If so, then welcome inside my head right now.

Its a strange sensation, feeling like if you screamed for an hour, no one would hear it or even know you are there. While you hold conversation with the people around you all day long, and spend the whole time talking, at the same time you feel like there are conversations within you that cannot be had, exchanges of words needed, but no one to share them with. Its like being trapped inside your own head, with no one else to talk to.

By not being able to mentally reach out, all the conversations you are having in there just bounce around aimlessly. As we all know every good conversation leads to other conversations. So now put that inside a trapped mind. Imagine a marble rolling around in a box, each time a new conversation arises, another marble is added. And so it carried on, until instead of having that annoying nagging thought, or marble rolling about, it is dozens of them, crashing around inside your mind, making so much noise that day to day happenings seem impossible to deal with.

Its strange, hard to explain, how I can carry on functioning with doing things like writing this blog in a way which seems to make sense, but at the same time, other things, simple things from my day to day life just seem impossible to cope with or carry out. This morning I found every excuse possible not to walk the dogs, to avoid interaction with people, as it would just irritate me. Yet an hour later I was fine to get on a train to come to work and sit in a noisy office. And maybe thats just it...

Maybe the noise around the office, the strangers on the train etc all add up to be a distraction from ME! Not needing to engage in personal conversations, not having time to think about my life and myself, is just what I need right now, So for that I am very grateful.

But at the same time I am still left with the marbles. Ultimately they all need a way out of my head, all need dealing with, however at this time there is no logical way to get them out. Offers from friends to chat are gratefully accepted, but I feel like a burden to sit there saying 'me me me' all day long. It reminds me too much of people I already loath for doing just that. So I am still left with the quandary of how to get these thoughts out.
The big issue is the sensation of loneliness even WITH company. Dog walks in the evening have recently fallen silent with me just keeping my thoughts to myself, not wanting to touch on certain situations and conversations which have already been had a thousand times. But the problem is, half of the marbles in my mind are about these matters. Matters I cant control or change, but are driving me insane and eating away at my actual soul on a daily basis.

I guess time will take care of most of these things, then when the root is killed off, the weeds will die, or at least I hope so. If not I might just go completely crazy.

So for now, as I close this blog, its like a snail going back inside its shell. I just came outside into the wilderness to share these thoughts, and maybe even try and feel a little better by putting them out there. But now its time to go back inside, and back to the darkness of my mind, and the noise of the marbles crashing about inside my mind.

Thanks for reading.

Monday, May 20, 2013

At war with my demons.

Once again my demons of depression rear their ugly heads, and the pit of despair opens wide to try and swallow me up. Small things becoming the teeth of the demons, ready to consume me in a single vicious bite. An all too familiar feeling for me, and as usual there is no true reason for them to have broken free of their shackles.

My part here is to know what is happening, fight back, and refuse to allow them to catch me this time. Knowing all the warning signs of these bouts is key for me to fight back like this, and getting a grip on it early is important if I stand a chance of escaping without a mark on me.

Lack of energy, happy to sleep forever, no drive, and a touch of self loathing from time to time. Not to mention being emotionally delicate, and living on a short fuse. All the signs that things are going badly wrong in my head at this moment.

Why you ask? I have NO idea at all. Yes I have some stress in my life at the moment, but nothing worthy of feeling like shit. But I have a plan.

Not ignore it, not run away and hide, but to fight with every conscious thought I have each day. Refusal to let these little things weigh me down with doubt, anger and sorrow. Instead, turning negatives to positives, making the most of any situation thrown at me, and working towards the brightness of sunshine and happiness that awaits me on the other side.

As Waiting all Night (Rudimental) suddenly cues and plays into my ears, I picture the video and remember that the key to overcoming adversity and barriers in life is a two step progress. Positive mental attitude, and surrounding yourself with great people. Well I have the people, and I have the self belief, so it's just a matter of mixing them properly now to make it work out for me.

Typing furiously here, trying to get all these thoughts out of my mind and onto the WWW is a battle in itself, but something I need to do from time, now more than ever.

My name is Michael Snasdell, and from time to time I struggle with depression. I'm not ashamed, embarrassed or afraid to admit it, and nor should anyone be.

Thank you for reading. That in itself helps, believe me, being heard, seen and recognised is part of the process here. 

Regards
Michael

Sent from my BlackBerry Q10

Sunday, May 19, 2013

And so it began. Tribute tattoo for Aunt Joan

My last entry kinda hit on the fact that I was heading off to get a new tattoo started, my Welshanese Dragowl as I like to call it. The date has been set for a while now, and the plans were in place, so getting it started was paramount to me.
Would it help get my head straight, would I begin closure, would it look right side by side with mum on my chest. Well, the answer is yes, to all of the above, and I am seriously relieved about that.

Everything isn't rosy now, my head is still a bit messy to say the least, but the important thing is, it's on the road to recovery.

As far as the tattoo goes, finally having the template laid out was great to see, and realise just how big a piece I had asked Michelle to do as a starter piece. All the aspects were present, on the right scale, and in the right layout. All I can say at this point is, after 3 hours of having it all lined in, I am stoked to see how this is gonna turn out now. I already have additional plans for it.

Speaking of those plans, allow me to elaborate a little . Florian Karg, a fantastic artist with quite a unique style, has inspired me to add a piece between the two pieces tying them in together, and helping them make sense. The co-ordinates (in degrees) for Puffin Island, where the ashes for mum and Joan will be scattered, on my chest, possibly in smoke as a background, in a very unconventional style, both type face and layout. 

So, I shall leave you with the pictures of the first session.

Thanks for reading.


Regards
Michael

Sent from my BlackBerry Q10

Saturday, May 18, 2013

The canvas is ready, bring on the ink!

Another tattoo project begins, this time my right chest plate, pec, moob, whatever ya wanna call it.
This piece is a tribute to my late Aunt Joan, who passed away in Feb. It will sit next to mums tribute piece (her sister).

The theme is Welshanese aka Welsh and Japanese. With a Jap style dragon in Welsh flag pose. Along with an owl in the background, a favourite of my aunt.

So here is the canvas, let's get going.

Regards
Michael

Sent from my BlackBerry Q10

Friday, May 17, 2013

Hello Tweetonians.

Just thought I would say hello in person to anyone visiting my blog from Twitter today, thanks to the #FF from Blackberry UK which I received, awww :)

The tweet went a little like this.

Fame at last eh.

Feel free to have a nose through some of the entries about both the Z10 and Q10. Good and bad points, and honest reviews of my experience with them both.


This week's goes to who's been taking awesome snaps via his &

End of another week.

As I board the train for one last trip to work this week, a smile radiates from within, with the knowledge that after the next six hours I will be free to be me again. And I can't wait!
Drifting off into my own little world on my BlackBerry while travelling to work, with the sounds of Chris Brown in my ears, I'm ready for whatever the day has in store for me. I know it's not going to be a pretty one, and the weekend is going to seem a long way off in half an hours time, but the goal is worth it.

Tomorrow afternoon I start another tattoo project which I have named the 'Welshanese Dragowl' The name explains it's roots and meanings really. A Japanese themed piece with undertones of Welsh. Featuring a Japanese Dragon in the pose of the Welsh dragon, and an owl in the background.

I am hoping that having these first three hours of the piece will help me work towards the closure on the matter that I really need right now. Dragging on forever is the only way I can describe what's happening right now. And like all other big things in my life, marking it with ink is a must, and always helps me remember why it's important to me. The bleeding during the inking is almost the bad of the situation bleeding out of me and freeing me of its poisons. Thats my thought on it anyway.

So tomorrow at 2pm it all begins, as ever with the wonderful Michelle Collenette  of Innocent Needle Tattoo's in Croydon.

So that's me, as we approach my station, it's time to face the work that stands between me and my freedom. As usual, expect pics and text to follow with updates on the ink. 




Regards
Michael

Sent from my BlackBerry Q10

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Blackberry Q10 sunlight display test.

While sitting on a train platform this morning, browsing through Crackberry, a common gripe came up again, the brightness of the screen in sunlight, so I thought I would take some pics with the Z which doesn't currently have HDR, so all pics are true.

Excuse my face being in the pictures, but as you can see the reflection coming off the screen is rather harsh. So it serves a purpose. I also snapped the skies at the time too to show what the screen was being exposed to at the time.

With the screen set to its usual 30% brightness, and my sunglasses on or off, as usual I am able to use the phone with ease on a range of screens with no issues at all.

Needless to say, trying to pick out fine details in a colour picture would be a little challenging and require an element of shading from the sun. But general day to day use, BBM etc on the move is absolutely fine, for me at least.

I don't think anyone doubts that there are a few handsets out there with screen issues. And also it's no secret that there are other devices out there which have better sunlight legibility. 
But this blog is for those wondering if all the negative reports they are reading are true. For those doubting my previous comments that I can use my Q10 on a bright day without stress, and to back up the others who say the same as me...

The BlackBerry Q10 in direct sunlight is NOT useless, it's usable, clear and the AMOLED is fine.

We all have different expectations of our devices, and I think the feedback the Q has received has shown this. But the screen being poor in sunlight is just a myth! One of many I might add.

Regards
Michael

Sent from my BlackBerry Q10

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The woes of Type and Go on BB10 10.1

For anyone with a BB10 device running 10.1 software, you will of course know about Type and Go. Universal search on steroids as I call it. The ability to type a few letters from any home screen and start carrying out an action from that point. For example 'tw hello' will generate a result screen offering to post a tweet saying hello. (as pictured) 'em' will offer composing an email and so on.

Now this is fantastic, and rather than opening the twitter app, pressing compose new, and then starting to type, you can just start to type. Saves a few swipes, which will be great news to those who moan about all the swiping they have to do on this new OS.

However, if you dare to venture to things like 'em dav' or 'ca dav' the results are not quite so silky smooth. Calling Dave or emailing him should be a simple command, but using Dave as an example, most will have more that one of them in their phonebook. So instead of a simple result list of the 3 Daves in your phone book, it will list them all by every email address they have combined in there. If you have the contact linked to Facebook and other contact populating apps, you could find yourself presented with 10 email addresses, over kill maybe?

The solution here would be to have to results display the actual contact, as a singular name, from which you could then decide to pick the home, work, or private email of the person, rather than listing them all at once.

It's the same with the results for calls.

The solution is really quite a simple one, and I shall explain but not before saying this.

For years now, the act of sending an email has required a few presses here and there before we are ready to compose it, that's nothing new. So it really frustrates the hell out of me when an idea is put forwards to save a few milliseconds of your day, and sadly it doesn't work as well as was hoped. STOP being so bloody lazy and just do it the old way, it's really not a big deal.

For example, to start this email, from the home screen I typed 'em', compose email popped up, selecting that the compose screen appeared with the cursor in the address field, it typed 'bl' and it auto completed blog, and I got typing. Is that really a big deal? Seriously? Still seems pretty darn convenient to me.

Once again, I am aware that the address field of the compose email screen also digs through ALL your contact lists to offer you the email addresses of your contacts. And agree this is something that needs to be allowed to be filtered from a search setting. But that said, to others it's perfect. After all BlackBerry gave BB10 Balance which if being used would not be mixing in your private Facebook contacts with you business contacts list.

Something does indeed need to be done to allow the user some control over what appears where, but for now I offer a simple work around solution.

The contacts toggle screen pictured below allows you to sort out what shows in your main contacts list, so Facebook can be filtered out for example. The only real solution I can think of at this point, a quick fix, is to filter out the rubbish from your main contacts feed. Then when calling someone it may be easier to type 'co' select contacts from the results then start typing their name from the contacts screen. Slightly longer winded but effective all the same. Sadly these filters will NOT change what appears on the main type and go screen. 

Regards
Michael

Sent from my BlackBerry Q10