Well that's what my mind and body have been telling me to do for a while now, but today was the day it changed from a thought to a reality. Having considered all sorts of counselling for a long time now, only to dismiss is as something I didn't need. In the past few weeks I have realised that it would be a positive thing to do, and have taken steps towards making it a reality.
So this morning I, Michael Snasdell faced up to things, and met up with my counsellor, Peter for the first time. Having always been the one who counselled others, this was a real role reversal for me, but I have to say, after just 1 hour, a much needed one.
I have been doing my usual deep thinking recently about the world around me, and trying to identify the triggers that cause me to take an emotional nose dive into, and was quite surprised with that I actually came up with. Some things that I would have expected to be a true burden are actually not factoring too highly, and other things that seem to have just been insignificant seem to really stir some emotion.
Having talked to Peter quite openly about where I am right now mentally, things slowly are starting to fall into place for me. Its not a quick fix, and its certainly not the answer to all my questions of the world around me, but its IS another trigger. I am constantly identifying things in my life that provoke me in any way, so I have a catalogue of things I in some way avoid for the greater good. Mainly people and experiences, not that they are emotional decisions, just more life choices, and areas i prefer to stay away from for ease of life, and so I remain in my comfort zone, and surrounded by all things familiar.
So today I have formed a new opinion, and experienced something quite new to me. Counselling is a positive thing, especially for people as emotionally inward as me. The u-bend of emotion, where everything seems to be building up has been identified. Now I just need some serious emotional plumbing to get everything flowing properly again.
Grief, anger, resentment, and fear are just a few of the things I know are tangled up in that u-bend. The loss of a number of friends over recent years, as well as family members has brought not a single tear to my eye. Reflecting on this today however in calm environment stirred up some of that trapped emotion, and started to cause my head to almost tremble with things trying to break free. I know grief, tears, and an emotional "outburst" is NOT a bad thing, I just feel I need to deal with what is in there, for my own good.
Anger plays its role too, knowing that being the peacekeeper is an important role to play in life, but not to deny to myself that I have feelings on each matter too. That things regardless of how impartial I remain, will affect me with some form of anger or pain. I am after all only human. But like a professional in any role that deals with conflict and confrontation, I know that somewhere there is an outlet that I need to vent it all too. Somewhere other than a blog (sorry guys)
Many professionals have counselling as part of their job, and now I can start to see why.
Resentment, well there is a lot of that floating about out there, with the whole mum being ill issue topping the charts, but closely followed by other family issues, and then of course the inevitable envy of people moving on in the direction I too want to follow, work matters and other little triggers.
And then fear, of course fear. My greatest one being the loss of my mother which I know is coming. Maybe its the uncertainty of the whole thing right now that is chewing me up inside, or maybe I am using the whole experience and journey through the hospital and treatments etc as a mask to hide behind, just to try and shield me from the money shot which is "the passing". Reading back I have to say I have noticed deflection after deflection from the underlying issue..... My mother is going to die, and there is nothing I can do about it! There, I said it. And I said it only because after talking about it, I accept it now.
I could go on for ages right now, pouring more and more thoughts about it out, but for now, all I really wanted to say was, thank you to Peter for taking this on, and thank you for in one short hour, managing to shake things up just enough for me to start seeing things a little cleared, and start to figure out what direction I need to head in now.
To say I have been blinkered or lost is an understatement.
I now know what it is like for all the people I have spoken with, who I have helped in some way to finally start to see whats going on. I always wondered how a conversation could begin to make someone stronger, how it could act as a catalyst for action, and how my words could affect another persons life. Well, now I do know how that feels. And as a bi-product of all that, I feel better for knowing I have helped others too.
I started out today a little anxious, both about this meeting, and for what lays ahead with work etc. But now, 1 hour later that's all behind me. Counselling is a positive step, and as for the rest of the day and work, hey its just another day, which I have a lot of control over. Watch out world, here I come.
Back later with a little more reflection.
Thanks for reading :)