Sunday, January 2, 2011

Loosing control

Well yet another encounter with mum, and another explosive ending to the "conversation". Was just in the kitchen making light conversation with mum, and the topic of the carer came up. Apparently mum asked for a 5 minute boiled egg this morning and it was runny! This makes the carer completely useless and pointless to mum, and just reinforces the point that she doesn't need a carer. That's of course ignoring the fact that her statement before mentioning the carer was that she was very wobbly today.

She is hell bent on getting rid of the carer, proving she doesn't need peoples help, and right now, just making my life a misery. Naturally I try to put across the reason for having the carer, and explain what she is here to do, as well as "defend" the carer where I feel mum is being unfair. Mum does not seem to grasp or maybe just not accept the limited role of the carer, and how it is meant to work. Complaining that the carer does not understand her or speak english (which she actually does very well) is her main thing. When the St Christophers nurse offered to intervene the other day mum refused to let her, yet as soon as everyone leaves, I am left to take it in the neck.

Its times like this I understand why I am on medication and off work at the moment, because right now I'm in a dark lonely place, and as confused as hell. Am I doing right by mum? Am I meant to just roll over on my principals and agree with everything she says? Am I meant to do what I think is best for everyone? Should I get the carer cancelled? Or should I just take a chill pill and forget about it by yhe morning.

Problem is, if we go with the last option I am left with this burning feeling inside. I don't like brushing things under the carpet, forgetting about things like they never happened, its just not me. And then I'm left wondering if it didn't matter, why did it happen in the first place.

This is not the first argument, but they are getting more and more fiery, and possibly more frequent now, and I'm really running out of patience with mum and myself, as well as running out of confidence that I can handle this much more.

Her argument of me caring more about the carer than I do about her bites hard, and leaves me bitter and resentful right now, and my honest feeling right now is b****x, do it yourself then.

In closing the "conversation" I tried explaining that people are doing their best to try and help in anyway they can, and if she doesn't want their help, fine, do it herself. Her parting shot was "well they are not going to die in the next few weeks are they." Which brings us onto (now I say it and think about it) the key part....

Mum is yet to accept, face up to, and start dealing with the fact that she is dying. It must be terrifying to have someone put a tight timescale on your life, and know your time is short, and I respect her fear and emotions. My only wish is to make that time as comfortable and enjoyable as I can for her, but feeling like this.... I can't!

As I'm writing, I'm calming down (which to me is why I blog anyway) as well as making more sense of the whole situation and not just the flashpoint.
After taking a deep breath, I can see the carer thing is not working out, and will need to address that tomorrow somehow, that's numero uno. After that, the dynamic will change, so will be another thing to look at and rearrange. Am I happy with this situation? no!

So, as I calm, and my mind returns to normal thoughts (as normal as they have been recently) I shall start to ponder..... What next.

Thanks for reading and sharing a moment in my life.

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