New light is cast on many aspect of my life, and doubt now enters my mind about what I really want and value in my life. Maybe its the fantasy romance thing of being blinded by a change to a lifestyle, or maybe its a genuine reality check for me, a wake up call at 38 years old. Midlife crisis even, maybe? What I do know is, the next few days will be pretty telling, that's for sure.
Now I enter this all with a pretty open mind, yet have preconceived ideas of what to expect. These could taint the outcome of my search for the truth, but I'm kinda 90-10 split on it all. So I will be calling on close friends to try and make sense of it all. This is gonna be really interesting. Now I'm not saying that everything I am contemplating is awkward or difficult, but there are a few things that confuse the hell out of me. Right now it all makes perfect sense, but I need to work out if I'm just dazzled.
A week ago I knew I needed a break, to get away from my day to day life, escape from the daily grind, caring for mum, feeling empty, mentally drained and quite worthless. Just having the time away from it all and recharging my batteries a bit was the plan, but now the end closes in on me I am left wondering what the break has actually done for me. Instead, I have found an alternative existence, a use in life maybe, and a strange sense of happiness I thought was beyond me.
But before I get carried away I have to remember, that when you remove all worry and responsibility from your life, and have a change of scenery, its quite easy to get caught up in it all, and mis-interpret what it all appears to mean.
On my return home, the first day of walking the dogs, looking after mum, worrying about work, home life blah blah blah, it will all start to sink in and make sense. Then the test really begins for me, and the point my mind will really start to work overtime. I get the impression that after a week of silence, the blog is going to take a beating, and the world will once again know all my woes. Back to sitting around a seemingly empty house, no one to talk to, very little interaction, and I'm sure I will head inwards again. I have grown used to seeing Cadell and Archie around the house a lot more than I usually see anyone else about on a normal day.
Speaking of Archie, its strange for me to spend so much time playing with a child. OK, so he bites, dribbles, wipes mucky hands on my clothes, and has moments of sadness, but for the first time in years, I can tolerate kids. Interaction, playing, making a tit of myself makes sense and feels good. Life is really that simple. How can happiness be so easy? It appears so!
Hell, I want a kid again now!!! Seems my judgement of someone else I know who has recently mentioned wanting another child, was somewhat premature and badly thought out.
Til then, I have one definite loyalty, a true bond, and such a simple one... My dogs. I have to admit I have missed them like crazy, our walks, playing, cuddles and play fights. There we go, I can end on one positive about my return home... My babies :)
So, watch this space... The next week is going to suck whatever happens, but let's see what and who appears in the blog... Time will tell
Please let the last few hours drag!
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