Having spent the best part of a week away from the daily grind, and all that I'm used to, as well as having experienced an alternative to its full extent, stepping back into it all is really going to suck. I don't say that dis-respectfully to any party involved. Is the grass just greener on this side, am I blinded by the light at the end of the tunnel, or is there a deeper more profound explanation for this feeling that is washing over me.
I honestly feel quite sick writing this, and I'm almost positive its nothing to do with the virus I have at the moment, nor all the cream sponge I have eaten. Its more to do with everything I have realised I am missing out on.
"Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough" Lyrics on the TV as I write this, and how relevant! Because right now that's exactly how I feel. The hand I have been dealt is loaded, and at this point I just wanna throw my hand in, and forfeit the wager I have on this hand, and getting another chance at winning this game.
Who am I living my life for? What is the ending I'm hoping for? In fact, what's the point in it all?
I guess right now I am finally seeing things, my life in particular from a different perspective. Is it being around little Archie and having the child influence, is it the change in company and conversation, or just a break from the madness of my 'normal' life that makes it seem this way? I really don't know the answer. Not totally anyway, but the one thing I do know is that something has to change around here, and for once its not going to be me being the one bending and twisting to fit in.
I think there is a lot of anger and resentment bursting out from within right now, for a number of reasons. Leaving mum for a week has been more complex than I could imagine for starters. Possibly more stress than not being there in fact. Also the realisation that so much more is not how it should be also sucks a LOT!
Drawing parallels to a friend of mine in a number of similar situations to me, from the outside everything seems to make perfect sense, with very little doubt. But once I put the shoes back on it looks different again.
I have spent a long time thinking I am in some way rich in my life, blessed with great things, but as I do a stock check on my life now, I realise its full of IOU's and credit notes, and I am actually quite poor. Lacking so much, emotionally broke, and in need of a bailout.
I guess that's enough confusion from my mind for today, all a bit of a blur, but watch this space, this boys gonna make a splash!
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