Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Honesty sucks!

Honesty is the best policy, the truth will set you free, and all that other bullshit... I'm sure I have written about this before, but here we go again. Lies and secrets will kill you and destroy the soul blah blah blah... But sometimes that's just not true.
There is a time and a place for total disclosure, and its certainly not a majority thing. The truth doesn't set you free, but instead it ties you up and beats your brain up until you can't take any more. Well they are my findings anyway.

Recently I have found it hard to keep my thoughts and emotions under cover as I usually would, and anything that has bothered me or sprung to mind, I have just blurted it out. Apparently that wasn't such a smart idea. Honesty combined with a low feeling results in nightmares, thoughts that won't leave you alone, and your mind working overtime building up scenarios to make you feel like shit.

Yesterday it all came to a head with Cadell over what started out as small trivial matters. Me being me spoke my mind, the response I received was not what I wanted to hear, and my mental state at the time just turned it into the nastiest mixture of thoughts that I have had for some time now. Some still linger now.

But looking back over the past few days, the same has happened over and over with different people and situations. This was just the one that made me realise how much of this stuff I actually manufacture for my own suffering. Situations I create which deep down I know will spiral out of control, cause arguments, and leave me in a worse state than I started in. Self harm of the mental kind if you may.

So from this point, I will think twice before opening my mouth about things, and think hard regarding their validity and relevance to the situation I am trying to connect it with. That's a hard thing for me to do, think before I speak, but its worth a shot.

So I apologise to anyone who suffered the consequences of my thoughts, conversations and actions over the past few days. I am working hard to cleanse my mind of all these stupid thoughts, and get me back on track. In the meantime, if I talk shit, look the other way :)

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