Have you ever had so much, yet still feel somehow lacking and incomplete?
I can't really explain what I mean properly. Best I can do is say it feels at times like I'm living the wrong life for me.
For the whole of today I have been on the outside looking in, asking weird questions of myself and others, and wondering from time to time what the hell I am doing. Having spent a lot of yesterday with mum at the home, and realising how she is more and more out of it these days, I have been able to take the time to reflect. Examine myself and my behaviour, as well as take stock of exactly what I have in life.
Priorities in the right order, well yes to a great degree, but somehow self care priorities are lacking there somewhat. Caring for mum, without a doubt #1. But then when it comes to caring for me it all seems to fall apart. Having spent years surrounding myself with people, "friends" etc, I am suddenly here on my own wondering what the hell just went wrong. Now I'm not ungrateful, nor expect others to drop their lives in a heartbeat for me. Hell, life goes on for everyone, can't just put it on stop because one wet 38 year old is sobbing to themselves about things no one quite grasps.
But then there is the flip side. When you send a message to a dear friend, in this case Nicci, and within half an hour a message saying everything you wanted to hear and know pops into your inbox. Thank you Nicci.
That's not to say I'm ungrateful. There are others around me, Rachel, Cadell etc who have been amazing for me over the past week, support, comfort and a slap back to reality when required. However, the feeling remains.
Selfish, childish, attention seeking or maybe just plain natural human instinct, I don't know which. But right now I am like a lost child in a shopping precinct, aimlessly flailing about, looking for comfort and my mummy. Somehow having lost my way for a while. I'm not sitting here in tears (chance would be a fine thing). But instead I'm kinda just waiting for something substantial to happen. Something that makes my heart warm a little. An emotional hug, hell even a physical one would be great right now.
Isolation, feeling useless, and a little confused by what the hell I'm doing is what's got me by the balls right now. Reflecting on myself, looking inwards, there are some fundamental things wrong right here. Drastic action required, but quite what I don't know. A page needs to turn in my life, but not just any page. Not even a new chapter. Hell no, this page must turn to the sequel of the whole 'My Life Pt1'. Moving on swiftly to part 2. All the pieces are there, the story line is revving up, and the plot thickens. But for now, turning the page is an effort. Maybe even a little scary.
In fact yeah, its like the lone woman coming home on a rainy night in the movies. Door open, power out, but you know she is going in. Na-ah, not for me, for now I'm waiting outside in the rain and waiting to see if its safe. Call me cautious, call me slow, even the one who missed the boat, but slow and steady is my pace, I have rushed too many times before and got burned.
Confused from reading all this? Welcome to the insides of my head. Messy isn't it.
One day I promise I will make the changes I know I need to. Til then, please have faith, and stand by me, just til I catch my footing again.
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