This is gonna take some writing up, so will be done when I have time throughout the day. But it starts off right here at St Christophers Hospice with an early arrival for me, getting here in time to get mum ready for a meeting. A meeting which has been put off a couple of times due to delays getting a funding decision from the PCT, and the care home manager not being able to fit it in. Both very fair reasons. So today, 10am, it all happens.
By the time I continue this entry, the meeting will have happened, and we will know a decision on if mum is moving into Westwood House Carehome, and hopefully when (today or tomorrow) I pray it happens either way.
Of course this to some people (who I hope are reading) is all fiction, and just an excuse to be off work. Clearly I am just a lazy person, uncaring, who has used the excuse "my mum is dying from multiple cancers" to take a lazy ride, and a free one at that. If you want to subscribe to this belief, feel free, just have the balls to tell me so I can stop wasting my time with you!
Ok so the meeting is over, and the assessment and stuff has gone well. Kate, the manager is happy for mum to become a resident, and that they can meet her needs, so we officially 100% have the green light for mum to become a member of the little community at Westwood House Carehome. Now to start arranging the move and settling etc. This should be interesting with no car to move her possessions with... Hmmm.
Looking back over the past week, the meetings, discussions, visits to possible homes. Checking facilities, decisions needed making and so on, I'm quite surprised I'm even still functioning. That said, if it wasn't for the help of a couple of very good friends at the weekend being there for me, helping me make a choice about medication, and being able to talk to them, I'm sure I would be on a secure ward right this second! So thank you to those people, its nice to know what a true friend really is, and can do.
Right now, mentally I am fried. Yesterday I was struggling to walk in a straight line, and would just fall alseep unexpectedly for a few hours at a time. As I sit here now, I could just sleep.
Crash is the word I choose, and best describes what I am mentally doing right now. Kept airborne by the heat of the ongoing situation, and now suddenly there is nothing there (almost) Nose diving to the ground at 77mph. Can I pull up in time. I need to shed dead weight, lighten up my load, and get rid of anything that is weighing down on me.
Apparently it appears that one of those things is in the process of dealing with itself. But right now I don't have the emotional or mental strength to invest in such matters, let alone deal with humiliation, judgement or lies.
I am off to see the GP later to get things sorted for me, then I have to start dealing with benefits etc as my SSP has run out, so I'm broke too lol. How much better can things get!
But you know what, amongst all this, one story shines through. My amazing mum and her three and a half year battle with cancer (so far). There have been mountains to climb and valleys to traverse, but through it all mum has come out the other end. Still fighting all the way. During that time I have fought depression, had 3 operations on my left arm (elbow, wrist and palm), and another more delicate op, gout, and god knows what else. But through it all, I feel proud to say I have been there for my mum, for her chemo, radiotherapy, operations, consultations. Been there to care for her, call ambulances when needed, been at her bedside, and been a part of this journey through the hospice system.
So once again I turn to those who cast shadows over me, and say, regardless of who you think I am, how you choose to judge me, and what you decide to say to others about me, I stand proud. Sure of my decisions, guilt free and with no regrets along this journey. If you disagree, that is your opinion, but I pity you, and say shame on you.
So, as this bit draws to an end, another chapter starts, a page turns, and the slate is almost cleaned. Will you be a part of the next chapter?
Serious thanks to my true friends who have stood by me, the surprise support we have been given along the way, and the understanding offered by those who were in a position to.