With the anniversary of mum's passing fast approaching, and having some time away from everything and everyone to reflect, my mind is free to flow.
Just laying by the pool listening to some choice music tracks, and my mind wanders off for a while. Allowing me to take in the true depth of what's going on, and how different I feel right now.
I can honestly say this is the most relaxed I have felt for so very long now. 3 years of trips away from home, constantly worrying that the call might come. Many years of going away, but still feeling the need to stay in touch with base camp to make sure all was ok.
This year is different, I am in my home from home with my family from family, and feeling so relaxed its unreal. Looking at house prices I can see myself getting my finger out soon in the drive to move away once and for all. Anything left going on at home this year is under control, and the stress levels are non existent.
Laying in the sun, soaking up everything going on around me, then comparing it to previous years, its really crazy. On the flight out here I commented that it was strange not giving mum a kiss on the forehead and telling her I will see her soon. Knowing that when I take pics and videos, I won't be showing them to mum and getting her reactions to them. No calls home, telling the temperature and getting the response 'oh that's just too hot' lol etc. It all amounts to on thing.
A momentary realisation that mum is actually gone.
It takes lots of different but normal things to happen to make it all seem real. And I think this was the final page on 'real things' that needed turning. Don't get me wrong, there is no upset etc, a little sadness (especially with the music playing) but nothing bad. Its a celebration for me. I know mum wanted us to feel free of any guilt, burden and responsibility, and now I feel I am doing as she wanted.
So that's my deep thoughts of the moment. I can go back to laying here, smiling and enjoying myself, and planning how the hell I make this place my home!
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