Saturday, January 9, 2016

Running scared!

Maybe not actually running, but walking as fast as I can, and as far as I can, for as long as I can, each and every day. Covering 12-20 miles a day on foot, and when the weather is right 10-25 miles on the bike, I think it is pretty obvious that in my head I am trying to escape it all, if only for a while. From the moment I wake I am trying to find places to go and reasons to stay active. If all else fails its onto the cross trainer for some stamina training and hill climb. I can change my clothes up to 6-7 times a day, soaked through from walking on my own or with the dogs, riding, or cross training. Some days even all four.

While exercise isn't inherrently dangerous in itself, the pretty rapid weight loss that is coming with it, partly due to the low food intake, isn't the healthy part of it. With a calorie burn of 5-6000 calories a day, and ending with a deficit after food of 3-5000 calories, it is no surprise I am losing a bit of weight at the moment. Not that I am complaining, I know I need to anyway, but not entirely convinced this is the way to go.

I have also dropped my caffeine intake right down, to try and aid sleeping and avoid the mild hyper activity I have right now. One 2 litre bottle now lasts 4-5 days. Two weeks ago the intake could have been 2x2 litre bottles a day. Quite the drop, and no headaches, so that's a bonus. I am drowsy at times, but maybe that is something to do with the activity level. (he said sitting down at the kitchen table yawning while writing this at midday. 10 miles done already this morning.)

The past few days, today especially, I have really struggled with anxiety. While out walking I was taking routes where I would be least likely to encounter anyone I know, cross away from street vendors and sales people, avoid beggers or any environment where I might encounter conversation or any form of contact with people. It's strange that my escape from letting my mind run wild, and the anxiety that causes takes me onto streets where I encounter another kind of anxiety. However being outside I am able to avoid the triggers easier than being at home.

Another problem is the times of loneliness, where I crave company, to chat, and offload to, are fought off by the feeling of anxiety at the thought of being in close proximity with someone. There are very few people I feel comfortable around right now, so considering being in the company of the wrong sort of energy person freaks me out. I have some great friends, and miss some dearly, but where my head is right now, I just can't risk being in their company, in fear of messing things up.

I ache from walking and exercising so much, my back is a mess, and would love a physio session or something soon. But the timing is so wrong. So for now, I shall manage the best I can, and forfeit physical comfort for the sake of mental stability, however slight it may be.  The only other option is sleep more, but I don't want to become a duvet camper. Being out, active, breathing fresh air really feels like the best way.

Thinking while walking has become another thing I am doing now, which is a bummer as I have tried to shut my mind up while walking, the idea is escape. But the thought I can't get out of my head right now, is the was CBT has been presented to me. My interpretation being that I am in control of my thoughts, and therefore if my thoughts are my problem, and I am in control, it is all my fault. That's how my brain takes it right now. Being told you simply CAN'T do or think something is not a cure. Breaking the cycle, which I know is what CBT is really about is the key. But how do do you that when there are so many triggers and issues to over come?

This isn't just about ending a relationship, or having no one to talk to, this is about the bigger picture of how those events have changed my thinking and perception of friendships and relationships. My fear of both now is huge, hence I have become so withdrawn from society as a whole, and even after reactivating my Facebook, have chosen not to engage with anyone. Quite frankly I am fuckin terrified of screwing up any more friendships or losing any more important people from my life. Being hidden away in my little shell, with limited contact with people. Not leaning or depending on any one person too much, so cancellations or let downs don't result in such huge mood bombs. It's all the plan, to keep myself safe..... from myself! If that makes any sense.

Retreating, running scared, shutting as much out as possible really feels like the safest option for me right now, and helps me avoid the feeling of self blame, and block this path of self destruction.

An example of how my mind works. While typing this I have received a message on my phone. I haven't looked at it as already my mind is being negative, and telling me the message is going to be cancelling the only high of the day which has been planned for a while. That would turn into self loathing, and in turn I would start to punish myself again with more physical activity to silence my mind.

Right, I better get on with other things and try and do some shopping, see if I can manage that. Better read the message to eh!

Thanks for reading.

1 comment:

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