Thursday, January 21, 2016

Self imposed solitary confinement.

Yesterday turned out to be the turning point I have been  expecting for a while now, and my god it turned fast. Like a jet fighter doing a vertical stall, my mood has shot up over recent days, but reaching stalling point, the past 12 hours have been spent plummeting to earth at breakneck speeds.

Yesterday afternoon I could feel myself losing momentum, reducing physical activity is probably a large catalyst in the matter. Sitting around equates to thinking, and we all know what sort of trouble that gets me into. I guess it is a much needed reality check of how I am really doing right now in my fight, but unwelcome all the same. 

At some point I needed to emulate a "normal" day, with periods of not running my body into the ground as a distraction. No point thinking all is well and starting to reduce meds, and get back to work, if in reality the only thing holding me together is the sweat from over exertion. So this could the the reality I guess. For all the positives I have taken from the past few weeks of rising from my New Years mood bomb, the cold hard truth is that I am not much further down the line to recovery.

The whole therapy thing hasn't helped one bit I have to say. I have my first group meeting today and I am filled with dread about it. Probably not helped by this dip in mood, or maybe it is part of the cause of it, I don't know for sure.

So for now, to avoid any ripple effects, I am putting myself into solitary, withdrawing and retreating from as much around me as I can, and going it alone again. No excuses, no one to blame for anything, just me, myself and I. Not trying to be ignorant, not avoiding anyone for any particular reason,  but just simplifying things the best I can. I have a meeting with the boss at my home this morning, so if all goes well that will be my only contact until later this evening, IF I go to the group. Time will tell on that one.

Right now, I feel like a horrible, worthless, empty, attention seeker, who just doesn't want to burden anyone, or rely on anyone. This is my mess, and I need to sort it myself. This is a slippery slope I know, but right this second its how my head feels, and the only way I know how to "cope".

1 comment: