After recently reading debates over Road safety for a number of reasons, I have come to the conclusion that the best course of action would be, BAN ROADS!
It has become quite clear to me that pedestrians are put at more and more risk on a daily basis by the drivers of these motorised monsters which tear up and down the strips of tarmac which were only ever intended for milk floats, horse and cart, and of course Sinclair C5's.
To combat this growing danger, I am today launching a campaign to quite simply, ban roads! There is no need for them, they serve no purpose, and society could get along fine without them.
Instead I propose that motorised vehicles are banned with immediate effect, and all the land currently selfishly used by them be designated as stroller parking for selfish fuckin mums who want to stand three abreast while they bitch about the new mum in the group, fucktards who wish to spend their time running around chasing imaginary friends Pikeymums or whatever they are called. And not forgetting those poor disabled folk hell bent on creating more disabled people by running people over at stupid speeds on their mobility scooters, or in some cases "too lazy to fuckin walk" scooters.
The time for the road is over. Who needs huge lorries delivering supplies to almost every street corner to Sainsburys, Tescos, Waitrose locals etc. The shops that were opened due to mankind's unwillingness to travel more than 200 metres to get their weekly shopping, because it's their basic human rights to have a fully stocked grocery shop on the block they live on. Only to drive there anyway and park like a fuck knuckle, because unlike the people who use the roads daily to commute and carry out their jobs, these arseholes don't have a clue how to drive or park, so just muddle their way through, blaming everyone else.
Roads, leading to other towns are no longer needed. There is a perfectly good transport system in London, unless they are on strike, the wrong kind of weather occurs, or a sewer breaks! I am sure the system cheating, address lying parents out there who do their 5 mile school run to another borough each day can just settle their kids into a local school instead, who needs standards when you can have local and convenient. Eliminating the need for those pesky roads.
Roads are pointless now however you look at it. However I realise this cannot happen over night, so would recommend the following measures until all roads can be resurfaced as pavements or green spaces.
1/ Traffic currently drives too close to the kerb, which is dangerously close to the idiotic parents walking their kids along the kerb "for fun" and are further hindered by earlier mentioned selfish arseholes parking strollers across them while they chant their spells. A buffer zone should be drawn up with immediate effect, placing at least 5ft between humans and cars. This is not to be confused with a generous pavement, as it would seem even with all this perfectly adequate space, some cock wombles still manage to fall off this into the path of cars.
2/ vehicle lanes to be no more than 6ft wide. Most practical vehicles fit through a 6ft width restriction including vans. Any vehicle bigger than this has no business being on the roads and should be banned immediately.
3/ All crossing points should be made alternate direction flow traffic, and no wider than 7ft. This will ensure that pedestrians can cross with almost complete safety, while the remaining permitted traffic on the road they are crossing is guaranteed to be gridlocked.
I think that just about covers everything.
OK seriously now....
What I am trying to say by mocking these stereotypes is quite simple. People are getting far too self self-righteous, and quite frankly selfish about what they feel they are entitled to.
Traffic shouldn't be allowed on MY road, send it down theirs instead.
There should be more crossings, because I am too fuckin lazy to walk 50ft from the station exit to the existing crossing point.
I want a pedestrian crossing with stop lights installed because I am too stupid to cross a road without one. (and even when you do put one in, I won't use it)
School zones are dangerous.... Yes, because parents park like that's, put their kids safety in front of all others by parking on zig zags, block pavements while chatting to people they haven't seen since the walk to school that day, and generally behave like poor examples to the kids.
At the end of the day most road users use the roads because it is the best option for them. Commuting, working, serving the community. Delivering things we are too lazy to go to the shops and get ourselves etc. During the week there are very few people using the roads for fun. Because it's not fun.
That's not to say that some could avoid using them at peak times. School runs from 3 streets away, lazy fucks that won't walk to the shops etc. Some journeys can be avoided of course.
The thing is, pedestrian, cyclist, motorist etc, we all have to share these spaces every single day. So instead of ranting on about you entitlement, rights, and how others should behave and treat you, take a look at how YOU are behaving first, take your OWN actions and safety seriously, then comment on others.
I walk, run, ride, drive on Londons roads every day, sure I get wound up by people's actions at times, but my #1 concern and focus is always myself and my actions.
So cut the bullshit, enough with the demands, grow up, accept the world we live in and make the most of it. And if roads and traffic REALLY worry you that much, minimise your demands on the road network.