Sunday, July 17, 2016

Giving in to the pain.

A couple of months back my back started playing up more than ever. Most noticeably the amount of times I would have to stretch my back out while  walking the dogs. From it being slow and delicate to bend over at the end of the walk to take my shoes off,  it became necessary to bend,  squat and stretch a number of times mid walk. At that point it all became enough and I went to see a chiropractor.

Prior to this point,  I suspended all running after my June 12th run at the Olympic Park. So to date it has been 35 days since I ran. And 28 since my June 19th London to Brighton Bike ride. Fair to say that the after effects of the run were not nice, but the bike ride impact wasn't as harsh.

Here I am after no training of any sort for 4 weeks,  now 2 weeks away from the epic,  long planned Pru London 100 Ride,  with no mental or  physical energy to think about doing it,  let alone managing it. Another day I had planned to see if I can manage a ride, and it's a no go.

In the last 4 weeks the situation has got worse and worse, to the point where today I have discovered that if I don't stand up straight, the pain is less. So since waking up today I have either stayed in bed, or walked around hunched over. Sitting awkwardly on the sofa now writing this,  my brain is convinced that going back to bed it the right thing to do,  as otherwise it means pain and discomfort.  So far I have resisted medication today,  as I am trying to get a feel of what is really going on inside my body. That and the fact I'm still very uncomfortable even on meds.

Right now,  this very second I am happy just to give up and do nothing. Avoid the shooting sensations and stabbing pains,  no more taking a shot to the balls. Just lay awkwardly and pretend all is well.

With a trip to the doctor booked for the 28th, something tells me I will be asking for an emergency appointment this week. Maybe even in the morning. It's just becoming stupid to try and hang on any longer now. One wrong move and the after effects stay with me for hours. That's no way to live for sure. Trouble is, having the get up and go to do anything about it is fast becoming a fight on its own. Mindset is still very much "sit still,  it will go away".

Thinking back the other day I realised that one of my falls from my bike a few weeks back was onto the hip giving me all the problems right now,  so was also contemplating going to a walk in centre or something, to get checked out properly to see if that started the progression of this problem in any way. I get the impression the GP will send me to hospital or refer me anyway,  so maybe cut out the middleman?

So hard to decide. I can control the pain by limiting movement,  so am not in immediate pain. Controlling and limiting movement for the next 11 days might be a bit excessive. A GP will send me for tests anyway,  so maybe hospital is the place to start. But then long term pain which doesn't require immediate intervention is more a GP thing,  right?

All a minefield really.

Meanwhile in the back of my head there is an argument going on. After all the sponsorship I have received and all the work I have done towards the 100 mile ride,  can I still do it a d save face? I did London to Brighton ok, so maybe this won't be so bad? Or maybe I will cripple myself by doing it? I don't want to let people down,  I don't want to be a failure to myself or others. I feel obligated to at least try. But to try and fail would be devastating.

How can one physical ailment cause this much unrest for me!

I am starting to think that this pain is bigger than  what the chiropractor can sort,  maybe something worse. Or maybe me not mentioning the accident might have pointed her in the wrong direction to treat me? Whatever the case,  I definitely need to speak to other people about it to get other possible issues checked out.

Guess tomorrow decides what I do next. Until then I am stuck stooping around,  eating convenient junk,  gaining weight again,  feeling disappointed and cheated.

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