Sunday, May 26, 2013

Trapped in a cycle of self destruction

So here goes, I have a problem, I know I do and I am so damn desperate to get out of it it's unreal.. but right now I honestly can't. 
Depression comes in many forms, and manifests itself in many ways. One of the most common if for the person to lose interest in their own welfare, stop caring for themselves, and go on a downward spiral of self destruction. And right now, that's where I find myself.

Over recent months, probably stemming back to late Jan early Feb when life all got a little crazy for me, my eating habits have quite simply gone to shit. I have gone from a health crazy, pretty fit 39yr old, to a sack of crap, junk food eating, exercise dodging cuddly guy, and that's putting it nicely.

Each week I promise myself that THIS is the week I get back on the wagon, this is the week I start caring, but it doesn't change. I buy crap food, chocolate, biscuits, snacks of all kinds. Probably spending 3-4 times a day more than the sensible options would cost. By the end of the day, feeling sick from all the crap I have eating, I kinda hate myself for doing this to myself, and go to bed bloated and feeling almost physically sick.
But the next day I do it all over again.

I have proven to myself and others time and time again that I have willpower, determination and great mental strength, but right now the whole lot has simply abandoned me.

I'm not sure if it's a coping mechanism, just blocking out all the stresses and bad things in life right now, a co-conspirator with depression, or just a phase I'm going through. After all let's face facts, I do yo-yo when it comes to weight.

Whatever the case, I'm sick of it, I don't want to be this person anymore. I want my fitness back. I love that feeling of tight muscles, aches from training, definition slowly creeping through, and all around feeling good about myself. 
BUT, yes, another but... I can't bring myself to fail again. I don't want to try and fail within weeks. I'm lacking motivation right now, even though health and longevity of life should be more than enough for me.

I need to draw a line in the sand, set a plan, find some internal or external drive. Right now, I need a life preserver, quite literally. To stop this spiral, to stop me heading for the gutter, and to get me back on my feet again.

I'm trying here, getting it out there. Recognition and admission of issues are usually the first step to salvation, so let's hope this blog entry is just that step.

Thanks as ever for reading.


Sent from my BlackBerry Q10


  1. I thought you've been on LL + sessions. Where you discuss emotional hunger and learn to rid of it.
    No junk food tastes as good as skinny feels! If you cannot do it alone, find a mate to do it with you. The scare to fail the other person will help you think twice.

  2. I totally agree, and that's what I need. But it's a 2 step thing, first finding a 'buddy' then finding the inner me to knuckle down and get on with it properly.
    It's not that I don't think I can finish it, it's just that I can't start it... If that makes sense. Really trying to get my mind in the right place, but SO much going on too.