Deep breath, count to ten... Take control!

As I sit at the kitchen table, starting to write this blog, for which I have taken 24 hours to think of a name for, I am starting to understand my mindset on the whole matter.

The past year has been very different for me. Meeting Ann, moving in together, making huge physical and mental progress, as well as having many hiccups along the way. Roughly two years ago I was just starting to get caught in the whirlpool of depression. Starting to feel myself losing control, realising I was getting down, and fighting to keep my head above water. After a year long fight, I was in a position where I could say I finally felt back in control of things.

However being in a new relationship, and facing a very different living dynamic than the one I was used to, I wanted to tread carefully, and not rush myself off medication, or into to many changes at once. Almost another year later and I am finally in a position where I feel comfortable in considering a reduction in medication, and taking full control back.

Having been on Citalopram for 2 years now, I am more than aware that being off them will feel rather different to what I have grown used to. Since the first time on them, I am aware of the slight lethargic feeling they cause, which you just grow to accept in your day to day life. My recollection from coming off them last time is clear, and I remember how much more energised I felt, for the first few weeks at least. After that, well that is up to the individual.

And this is where the blog starts really.
There is an inherent fear of losing control early on, when there is no medication to "save you" from what life throws at you. When something unforeseen happens, you have no safety net to catch you. Truth be known, there never was. There is a placebo effect that is common when on such medication, and you feel safe, cocooned if you may. Such faith in the meds, that you feel stronger, and more resistant to outside influences. In reality, your mind is more chemically balanced, the right signals are being sent, and you take strength from this feeling. Almost a sense of enhanced confidence.

This confidence is something a lot of people lack, and it is what starts the downward spiral in the first place for some. Simple matters defeat you, worries begin to control you, and soon you are just along for the ride. The ability to remain in control is what gives this heightened sense of confidence.

Realising this is key for me, especially right now, as I approach the first drop in my Citalopram dose for about 18 months now. Knowing that the sense of control I feel I have now is all me, and not the medication is a sobering thought. It shows me that this person is me, I am not the product of the medication. I am however aware of the balance that the medication has restored in me, and am in no rush to immediately come completely off it. There may be a balance to be found between me and the meds, then again, I may be free of it entirely in the coming months.

The title of the blog is a mantra I need to keep in mind at all times. From home life to work life. Flat out training, to resting in the evening. There are always moments where we need to pause for thought, compose ourselves, and react rationally.  I found myself practising it yesterday in fact, which is what spawned this blog, realising I was actually in control.

A spanner thrown into the works of the day, churning up my thoughts, whilst in mid flow of writing another blog. My initial reaction, rage, anger, and fire straight back. Closing the laptop and walking away for 10 mins was a good start. Deep breath.

Distracting myself with something else, watching a YouTube video, gave me time to consider the matter, and contemplate my response. Was one even needed. Count to ten, think about it.

With a few minutes taken to consider the outcomes of all scenarios (classic trait of an over thinker, but that is another story) I relaxed. Realising that any response would simply perpetuate the situation, and each cycle would simply trouble me more, and not resolve anything. Sometimes the cause is just not worth the battle.

That however is just one example. Somehow my mind finds itself in these situations too often, and that is my next battle. There is only so much one can do when it comes to change and influence. Speak your mind if there is hope of a constructive outcome. If the outcome is pretty clear from the offset, why even bother involving and upsetting yourself? A mantra I can recite, but not one I am familiar with following, yet!

To support this change in medication, and what will no doubt be a bit of a strange time for me, to say the least, I have also decided to take control of matters in other ways too.

Having been sat at home bored senseless for weeks on end this year, with foot issue after foot issue, the time has come to stand up to it, pun intended. Having now been through the medical mill, tested, scanned, xrayed, medicated, reviewed, and currently going through physio, the one message I have taken from it is, it's not going to get better any time soon. However, gently pushing on should cause minimal harm.

Now a long way away from my 3,000 mile cycling goal this year, this is one of the things which stresses me out, after all cycling is my great escape. And my very own body has denied my mind this escape. Failure is NOT an option, I must succeed.

Whilst in with the doctor yesterday, which I will return to shortly, I discovered my weight has skyrocketed while I have been laid up, and I am now a HUGE 117kg or 257lbs (18.3 stone). A month ago I was 245lbs! This is not good, neither mentally nor physically. Extra strain on my body is unwanted, and is just going to cause me more issues, especially as it is my feet which have to bear the brunt of it all.

So, medication change is tied first place with weight loss. They go hand in hand, and support one another. Health = movement, movement = freedom, freedom = happiness, happiness = good mental health. I am not unfamiliar with losing weight or increasing fitness, in fact I love the challenge of it, but the timing has to be right.
Knowing I have almost 1,000 more miles to cycle this year is a kick in the backside for sure. With my experience of low calorie diets, HIIT (high intensity interval training) and getting stuck into long rides, I reckon the bar should be set high for my improvements for myself this year. Targets yet to be set, but rest assured they wont be easy ones.

So the plan, as with the medication is to get started with it all next week. One big start line for the whole lot. This coincides with my return to work also, so that alone will help with the routine side of things. It also gives me the remainder of this week to work on the advice from the physio, to regain more movement in my right ankle before working it. There are 87 days left in this year or just over 12 weeks, so plenty of time to get back where I want to be.  Watch this space.

In the meantime, I will carry my mantra, Breath, count, control, and apply it to any challenge which presents itself. It is simple really, the hardest part for me will be preventing the initial knee jerk reaction, to let the rest of the cycle play out. But I know I can do it, if I put my mind to it.

Taking it easy!

What the hell does that even mean?
I really  do struggle with the concept at times,  especially when it is important.
Right now,  slowly recovering from a back injury,  I know that it is important that I don't try too hard too soon. However,  as with many other  things in my life that require patience,  I just don't get it.

As my back first started to hurt,  I should have taken it easy,  rather than seeing the pain as some sort of weakness. Stubborn and determined to prove I am made of stronger stuff,  I push on and ultimately end up with something that will take 10 times longer to bounce back from,  than if I had listened to my mind and body in the first place.

I was so caught up in the moment, and so blinkered by my goals and desires,  I totally ignored the signs,  pushed on and ended up in a right old mess.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel,  and the symptoms are slowly subsiding. With a combination of drugs,  stretches and yoga,  combined with a slow and steady return to being active,  I am making progress.
Alas,  once again my stupid mind is trying to bully me into pushing too hard.  So I am carefully watching the numbers,  and making sure that there is NO rush this time. If I have an active day like today,  the next is slightly easier.

It is a habit I need to break.  Rushing into things has always been a weakness,  and it is one I am determined to overcome. Lessons have been learned on many levels, and new ideals have been found. No more rushing.

Life is a journey,  not a race.....

This weekend I miss out on a bike ride I have been training for for six months now. My ego is screaming for me to at least try it, my recent progress tells me I stand a chance. But my common sense tells me that it is just not worth the risk of injury and spending the remainder of the summer unable to ride or run. And that is something  I just can't deal with.

Already gaining weight (and now fighting  it again) I know I don't want to lose any more momentum,  and need back on that wagon. So here's to slow and steady steps for everything in life,  and to being back in the saddle and also running again properly by the end of August.

Southwark Council, sort it out !

Seriously, the spot I am referring to in the email below has been a joke for a LONG time now, constantly covered in bird faeces, and occasionally jet washed to a seriously slippery finish. Just stop the birds from nesting up there, then the problem is over with surely?

I will get some pics of the said spot in the dry and better lighting when I can to show what I mean, but for now, I am aching and am unimpressed with the state of the pavement. Thanks for falling over into bird crap !

I am writing to you today regarding a fall I have taken on one of your pavements on Southwark Park Road at the junction of Raymouth Road opposite Drummond Road.

The cause of the fall was purely down to the build up of bird faeces on the pavement causing the surface be be very slippery. As I began to slip I tried to catch myself, causing what I can only describe as a cartoon slip on the spot before finally falling to my knees.
While this might sound slightly amusing, it has caused me a great deal of distress both mentally and physically. It is humiliating to take a fall like that in public, without the addition of then having to continue my journey covered in bird faeces.
In the fall I have strained the muscles in my neck and shoulder, caused scuffs on both my hands, as well as getting faeces on my trousers, trainers, hands and bag.
(pics attached)
I have seen on a number of occasions that crews jet wash the pavement, however this build up is quite a lot so indicates it has been a while. And even after the attempted clean up, the pavement remains very slippery.
Walking under this rail bridge is always an interesting affair, wondering if you will be bombed by the pigeons above. So it bothers me a great deal that so little has been done to prevent them from settling there. Other bridges have had successful netting work carried out.
So, today I am left with my clothing covered in bird faeces, sore hands, and a tight neck and shoulder, all thanks to the poor efforts of a council in maintaining their pavements. I look forwards to hearing back from you soon with a sensible solution to this matter.

Yours painfully

***UPDATE**

Great reply from Southwark Council on Twitter.

Southwark Council ‏@lb_southwark1m

@MichaelSnasdell Build up of bird droppings under railway bridges we usually jet wash once a week. TFL are responsible for the netting.

Physio time.

Ok so with it being important that I maintain flexibility this week, I thought it was time to pay the physio a visit. With all the stress so far this week, the top of my spine and neck is tight as hell, Its time to see Kevin @ Back on Track to get me back to my old self.

Usually a monthly thing, I have missed Dec and Jan due to commitments and financial reasons, but Feb, let's call it my little birthday treat shall we.

In 30 mins time I hope to be free again, to turn my head, look all around and use my back as it should be used.

Is it strange to look forwards to the manipulation of the spine and making it creak and crack... Well if it is, call me weird, because the end result to me is so worth it.

So here goes......
Regards
Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

The demise of 14 Waldram Park

Could this be the beginning of the end of another of Forest Hill's great houses. Only time will tell, but for now forensics are all over it due to the injuries sustained by a worked trapped in the collapse. Later transported to hospital by the London Air Ambulance (god bless HEMS)
Regards
Michael

Sent using BlackBerry®

A positive start to the weekend.

Well the post just arrived, and in it came 2 letters for me.
Both very small and simple documents, containing just a couple of pages, but hopefully both having a positive effect on my state of mind, and state of existance.

The first, was a the assignment of tenancy papers, for me to apply to have the house put into my name, which will hopefully secure me somewhere to live when the day arrives that mum is no longer with us. I hope thats a long way off, but its nice to put her mind at rest, while being able to concentrate on other things too.

The second was a partial settlement cheque from my employers insurers. Its not all done and dusted yet, there are still other things to be sorted out, such as loss of earnings and expenses. So I was suprised to receive a partial payment like this.

The upside of the partial payment is I can settle some long term debts now, and hopefully move on with my life in certain aspects. Looking fowards and no longer backwards, planning and plotting my future.

So all in all, this has been a game changing day for me. Now I just need to grasp the bull by both horns and do something positive about it all (which I actually already am if the truth be known.)