RCGP session two!

The clock is ticking down on my next session at the Royal College of General Practitioners on Friday, and I have to say the suspense and stress is building. It will be my second rush-hour trip to Central London in the week, which never bodes well with me even at the best of times.

The first session I did was a real eye opener, and while it was fun, it was quite draining too. That was starting from a nice high spot in my mental cycle. This time around I am somewhat lower than I was before, so it will be interesting to see what impact that has. Whatever the cost to me, the important thing is being able to help the students understand the presentation of anxiety and depression.

On the plus side, the whole day is a known thing now, it is not full of surprises and uncertainty, so that will help enormously I am sure. I will just get there nice and early again, missing the majority of the morning rush, and have a little wind down walk before getting started.

I will have to put some thought into the scenario for this time too. I am quite happy with the original, but it is good to mix things up a bit. As much for my sanity as theirs. Really is quite draining mentally, recalling events from your life, and playing them out in a scenario over and over for a day. By the end of the day you are mentally exhausted. I kind of envy the actors who also participate in these events. Surely it is much easier to pretend to suffer with something you don't already struggle with. Maybe I am wrong, who knows.

Either way, as I say, the main thing is the students come away from it all with a better understanding. I really do want to have more time to answer questions, and help in any way I can. With so much work being done to raise awareness of mental health issues, it is only right to make sure it can be identified and caught nice and early, so help can be given before the issue worsens for the patient.

Which reminds me actually, I have got to read back through my emails, and do a submission to the BMJ as suggested by Niki. It may come to nothing, it may be the beginnings of being able to do something more positive, time will tell. Not like I don't like writing now is it!

Right, better get my head in gear and thinking cap on, ready for the (next) big day.

Thanks for reading.

PS, students, you can now find all my MH writings on my new website www.snazy.co.uk (if you are not already reading this entry there)

It is almost over, 2018 that is!

I'm sure some were quite excited by the first part of the title, sorry and all that. There is no let up with me.

As the countdown of days left in 2018 ticks down, and the mileage totals keep climbing, I can honestly say I am looking forward to Dec 31st a lot!
More time to be spent on the trainer in the pain cave, shorter commutes on the dark and damp roads, and hopefully a few more decent rides at the weekend with my bestie before the end of the year.

All primary goals met, secondary and mini goals remain, but as usual, I would love dearly to achieve them none the less.

So right now my attention is drawn to the right set up on the right bike for the commute.
Paolo with his 32c CX tyres and disc brakes is more than capable. 11 gears to choose from, wide tyres with a little tread to deal with the dampness under tyre. But the down side is weight, and rolling resistance.
Then there is Luigi, who has seen me through the start of the year, right up until recently. 25c roadie tyres, reduced contact with the ground, giving less rolling resistance. A bonus in most cases. Slightly deeper wheels, so less fun in cross winds however.

A few weeks back I ordered some lovely Schwable Marathon Plus tyres for Luigi, make him a bit more winter capable. But on trying to seat them, I found there were issues, and decided earlier in the week to ditch them, and get myself a new set of 25c's, nice slick road tyres.
Previously I have had concerns about road tyres and how capable they are at dealing with water and slippery surfaces. A ride in the Cotswolds the other weekend in torrential rain soon changed my mind on that.

So today, the new tyres arrived, so I got to it straight away and got them fitted. A quick once over for Luigi, and set up for the commute, and away we went.
Switching back to a single speed after spending a few weeks on only bikes with gears takes a bit of getting used to. No levers within the brake levers to flick while sitting in traffic, just bars and two brakes, along with a single crank, single rear cog, and a pair of pedals. All very different.

However, once you are moving, and you have remembered moving off takes a bit more effort, no cassette to flick your way through, all is well. Needless to say I did a better average speed to work today than I have for quite a while. I forget very quickly how much I love the simplicity of Luigi.

One thing that has changed is the saddle. Having swapped saddles around on a few of the bikes, Luigi has ended up with a Specialized Body Geometry Riva on there. He came with one, but this is a replacement, and it creaks !! Grrrr. Sadly finding a new replacement is a bit of a chore, but I am trying. Not sure if the Ronin replaced the Riva, but they look pretty similar. I am a believer in sticking with what you know (and were told worked for you in a bike fit). Decision on the replacement to be made soon, can't take that creaking for too long.

I also discovered at the weekend that the set up on Paolo needs some work. Just some small tweaks, but I am working on those, starting at the front with bar set up. It seems to be working.

I am really looking forward to less pressure on myself next year, less obsessing about distance of every ride contributing to goals far beyond anything I ever considered previously. I must NOT set a goal on Strava for next year!
More time on the yoga mat, more time spent doing casual runs, and not driving myself into the ground. All round wellness is the key.
A few decisions need to be made, like what regime to follow, if any, and how to divide my time between commuting, turbo trainer, and running. Not forgetting actual "get out there and ride" rides.
I think first up will be easing up on the commute, however I actually enjoy doing 2-3 times the required distance each way. Weird huh!

Well, lots to think about, lots of decisions to make... Let's see what happens.

Where's my head at!

Seems my mind is wandering a bit recently, and it is becoming increasingly difficult to motivate myself to do certain things. Not quite sure why that is, but I can tell you it is annoying the hell out of me.

Prime example, this morning. Lovely morning, great forecast, fantastic weather for an early rise ride... But no! For some reason the brain wasn't having it, so that idea was quickly written off. Substituting the opportunity of riding out in the glorious weather, in fresh flowing air, with riding on Zwift on your trainer is a weak choice, but it is the one I went with.

I seem to worry about being too far from home, mechanical breakdown, or coming off. Not things which used to cross my mind so much. Maybe it is experience weighing down on me, maybe just my mind finding excuses I will listen to, to stop me over doing it. 130 mile week again this week, almost 4,000 miles for the year, and probably not enough rest. If I am left to my own devices, I will happily over do it. So maybe this is a good thing?

Either way, I know I am missing out. So if it is my mind trying to stop me over doing it, I need to reel it in elsewhere, to allow myself the chance to make the most of the good weather.

I have Ride London 46 in a couple of weeks time, and should complete my annual mileage goal around the same time. Hopefully after that I will get this demon off my back, stop obsessing quite so much, and relax more with the weekday riding, and have a bit more freedom for the weekends. I also need to start making an effort to get to new places to ride.

Whatever the reason, it is pissing me off now. Not to say I am not trying hard enough, or achieving enough. Trainer miles, road miles, commuter miles, they all take energy, commitment and focus, regardless of what your beliefs are about each discipline. They burn calories and take a toll on you physically. That is one of the reasons I cycle, so goal achieved.

For me, there is an element of willy waving involved, a huge chunk of physical health, saves money, and the big one, mental health.

Speaking of which, it is really disappointing that my employer Fedex, does not participate in a cycle to work scheme. Given that it is a logistics company, with green commitments, a large fleet and employee base, and a vested interest in mental health (apparently), yet is caught up in the fine print of the agreements, so won't get involved.

But back to the mental health bit. For me it has been a god send, however like anything, there IS such a thing as too much of a god thing. For me, goals are a strength, a vice, and a weakness.  Achieving them is like candy for the brain, obsessing over them, and the undying drive to achieve them is bad, VERY bad!

As I stand at the moment, I am on 3,876 for the year, so my immediate mindset is , "I must do 124 miles next week". Not, it would be nice to, but I MUST!! Achievable? Very much so, not a tough ask at all. Sensible to do yet another 100+ week, maybe less so.
Immediately after that is 4,250, my mileage goal for  this year. 16 days of the year left, 124+250, would be nice to finish my annual goal before the end of the month.
Why you ask, I have no idea, it is all just part of this obsession with mini goals, and setting close to unrealistic targets.
We are on Day 196 of the year, there are 166 days left in the year, but for some reason, my mind, my ego, my destructive obsession almost demands it is done in one tenth of that time. Because it would be "good" to.... Where is the logic in that?

This isn't the first time I have called myself out on this bullshit, and probably won't be the last. Issue I have is finding the balance between realistic, and achievable goals, and pushing too hard to somehow please others in my mind. Looking back over the last month, I have done much better with rest days, easier weeks etc, so I need to keep up that trend. While at the same time, getting my head out of my arse, and focusing on the positives, and finding the time to enjoy myself , while at the same time achieving sensible goals.

Add to this all, the running training too, and it is becoming a delicate balance right now.
I have put a stop to my cycling training for the time being, as it was becoming a little too much for my body. My priority right now, when thinking straight is to get up to my 10km run goals, then work from there. Trying not to start setting too many running goals, as it will just start the whole destructive mindset all over again. But I know the 10km non stop runs are within reach now. Add to this, I have been accepted for a half marathon for next year, I know I need to work on extended range for running. Pace is key!

For both running an riding, I have managed to realise now that pace is everything. Not so much speed, speed, speed, but more cadence, HR, and pace relative to those. Push too hard, endurance is gone. It's not a race, it's a journey, as they say.

So, long may the journey continue.

Thanks for reading :)

So frustrated with weight!

I don't get it, I am doing everything I have ever done in the past to lose weight, in fact, I might go so far as to say, more! But nothing, I drop a chunk of pounds, then just sit there stuck at a number.

At the moment it is low 240s (lbs). I am cycling 100+ miles a week, running three times a week, eating clean for the most part. Saturated fat intake super low, protein intake good, calorie intake is in deficit to burn almost every day.

The issue is two pronged. Firstly, I don't like being this over weight, the numbers are too high, weight, waist measurement etc. It doesn't look good, doesn't feel good, and I know I can do better.
Secondly there are the physical impacts. Cycling I can do, running I can do, cycling up above average gradients kills be (as I found out yesterday, and stairs leave me a little breathless.

Recovery is great however, moments after the higher impact demand on my body, my HR drops, breathing settles, and I am able to resume normal activities. Ironically recovery used to be a weakness for me, but now its great. Just a shame about the rest.

100 mile ride, not too big a deal, managing to churn the miles out with no ill effect. Throw a few bigger hills in my way and suddenly (more recently) I struggle. Looking back a year or so, I was riding up Spanish hills in stupid heat, and while not perfection, it was more than doable. Now, meh!

So with all that in mind, what the hell is wrong. I don't want to go off down the "it's medical" route,I doubt very much it is. So what on earth is stopping the progress. Have I hit the wall, is this just a really slow and frustrating phase, or has my physiology changed, meaning I need a new approach. Time marches on and all that.

One of the difficulties I face is scheduling. I know I make life a bit of a rush at times, and possibly take on more than I can manage. By that I mean my own things, day to day stuff. Trying to fit in riding, running, commuting, working, a home life, seems a bit of a faff at times. Only this week have I managed to catch up with the weeks to match my running training. Running weeks have spread across calendar weeks where I have not managed to keep up.

So here we are on a Sunday, end of Week 3 of run training, now in sync with the calendar. Good miles so far on the bike this week too, with a combination of commuting and riding.

Another of my issues is obsessing about miles. Healthy or unhealthy, probably the latter. Seeing milestones within reach drives me to push harder than I possibly should. With a healthy annual goal of 4,250 miles, achieving it should not be too hard with the daily commute included. However, seeing the first 1,000 coming up , I pushed to get into four figures ASAP. 1,075 and I would be a quarter of the way into my goal etc. With only a few obvious goals it was fine, but now I am digging for statistics of my previous years, and obsessing about surpassing them in style. So much so, that after 146 days of the year, I am just over 100 miles away from reaching 3,000 miles so far! At 2,875 so far, my mind is saying do 25 today, then I only have 100 to do next week to hit 3,000.

At first glance, to some, that is not actually massive mileage, however, its the rest days that are probably my weakness. This is possibly where the whole thing is falling apart for me. Any healthy regime requires rest. But what is rest, and how much total rest vs "taking it easy" do I need? If I ride the easiest route to and from work, with low effort, is that enough to call it resting? Or do I need to take a strict DO NO EXERCISE day weekly, to allow my body to play catch up? It is all so confusing,

The last time I lost weight in bulk, I was not really cycling. If anything I was just starting out with occasional rides, and much more running. 4-5 times a week, improving in fitness all the time. Now, I commute daily, taking the longer way into work, equalling about 100 miles a week of cycling on my single speed.  Then, to get any fun rides in, I ride at the weekends on one of the road bikes, to get some air, light up my heat map, and tick off hills on the 100 Climbs list.
So am I over doing it with the cycling?

In reality I know I could do with more structure, could probably do with a proper nutrition review, wean myself off fizzy drinks, which can get a bit much at times. But with all that in mind, surely I should still be losing weight? Shouldn't I? I mean, at least a pound or two a week?

That is where it loops back around to medical. While I don't think it can be anything, I can't rule it out.


So right now, I am frustrated! I need to get my head around it, before it gets itself around my head.

Stats at the moment are

Day 146
Active days 122 (rest 24)
2,875 miles ridden
Longest ride 102 miles
Longest streak 49 days

Ideally I need to remain commuting, but I guess I could cut the miles down, a bit at least.
3 days of run training a week, C2-10K so 30-45 mins per session.
A bit of training on the bike, probably at home, few hours a week.
And finally, get some floor work, stretching and yoga in, to maintain general well being.

Is that too much?

I know, I will draw up a written plan!
Right, enough thinking aloud, time to get something written up to start making things a little more structured.

Me and my health.

The good news is, mentally I am fine. Phew, that's a relief.

However physically, things are a little more grim for me.
The first couple of months of the year I have struggled with foot pain. To the point where shoes and walking were a no no. Occasionally venturing out on the bike, desperate to keep my legs spinning, only to be rewarded with even worse foot pain.

With that now somewhat under control, my body thought long and hard, before giving me the next challenge. Delivered in a gold envelope by a smug looking twat in a lab coat, no wait, that's Top Gear...
Over the past few weeks, both at work and at home, people have commented on me breathing heavily. At the same time I have noticed that I labour a little with certain tasks. Usually walking or climbing stairs. Up until this time, I have been fine, walked at a good pace, climbed stairs with no issue. (Remember taking the stairs to the 22nd floor at Guys Hospital?). So obviously this has caused some concern for me.

This time of year, a lot of people with asthma (like me) struggle a little more with hayfever and other allergies causing complications. But for me that usually appears along with a chesty cough getting me all blocked up. This time, nothing. Antihistamines don't seem to help either, again they usually would. And finally my inhaler has little if no effect whatsoever.

To just spice things up a little more, my body decided to throw heart palpitations in the mix too. It's all the chest, right! Now as an avid cyclist, who strangely during all this, can actually still cycle like a nutter (confusing right!) I see my heart rate quite a lot, and push my body quite hard. Nothing abnormal shows on my HR, and there are no unexpected weaknesses or shortness of breath etc.

On speaking to my GP, he has arranged for a set of tests to be run. Bloods, heart trace, and a breathing function test. First two are done, 12 lead ECG appears fine, bloods we will see, and breathing function is being tested at the weekend. Hopefully they will point at something, as it would be a lie to say it doesn't concern me slightly. If not, the tests go on, to see what is going on in there.

I reminded myself to write this on the way back from the shops just now. Slow steady pace walking, warm but not uncomfortable day, 1 mile or so round trip. Being overtaken by people with walking trolleys, and feeling like I am labouring to carry on. Taking my heart rate on the way around, nothing shocking to see. 80-85 bpm, which is pretty good going for the conditions. Made the trip fine, but this is just one of many journeys on foot which I have made and struggled with.

The confusing part is, it can be walking or getting up that temporarily knocks me for six. But cycling, I can go on forever. The GP suggested, as expected, that weight may be a contributing factor, which I completely accept. I am indeed overweight, but should add I have not gained weight in months, so why suddenly now feel this way. And why do some less intense activities affect me worse than being bent over cycling?

Right now, it's all a mystery to me, and everyone else, but hopefully there will be some answers soon.

So that is my little update. Thanks for reading.

Taking it easy!

What the hell does that even mean?
I really  do struggle with the concept at times,  especially when it is important.
Right now,  slowly recovering from a back injury,  I know that it is important that I don't try too hard too soon. However,  as with many other  things in my life that require patience,  I just don't get it.

As my back first started to hurt,  I should have taken it easy,  rather than seeing the pain as some sort of weakness. Stubborn and determined to prove I am made of stronger stuff,  I push on and ultimately end up with something that will take 10 times longer to bounce back from,  than if I had listened to my mind and body in the first place.

I was so caught up in the moment, and so blinkered by my goals and desires,  I totally ignored the signs,  pushed on and ended up in a right old mess.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel,  and the symptoms are slowly subsiding. With a combination of drugs,  stretches and yoga,  combined with a slow and steady return to being active,  I am making progress.
Alas,  once again my stupid mind is trying to bully me into pushing too hard.  So I am carefully watching the numbers,  and making sure that there is NO rush this time. If I have an active day like today,  the next is slightly easier.

It is a habit I need to break.  Rushing into things has always been a weakness,  and it is one I am determined to overcome. Lessons have been learned on many levels, and new ideals have been found. No more rushing.

Life is a journey,  not a race.....

This weekend I miss out on a bike ride I have been training for for six months now. My ego is screaming for me to at least try it, my recent progress tells me I stand a chance. But my common sense tells me that it is just not worth the risk of injury and spending the remainder of the summer unable to ride or run. And that is something  I just can't deal with.

Already gaining weight (and now fighting  it again) I know I don't want to lose any more momentum,  and need back on that wagon. So here's to slow and steady steps for everything in life,  and to being back in the saddle and also running again properly by the end of August.

Get a grip !

That is what I am repeating to myself over and over recently. It is becoming very frustrating seeing myself gaining weight, knowing what I need to do to control it. Then promising myself that I will take control back............... And failing, badly!

As pointed out by a friend last week, my weight and body shape is something that has changed for better and worse numerous times over the past decade for example. It isn't a conscious decision to do so, but more dictated by my varying levels of health and self control. Not to mention my mental state at any given time.
Determined and dedicated, I can make huge changes in short periods of time, with seemingly very little effort. But when doom and gloom strike, it all goes to shit. I can't say I am particularly filled with doom right now, but I am certainly lacking willpower or even just plain old will!

T-shirts are getting tighter around the tummy again, yet arms and legs are looking good. Strange old body I have here, but one I need to get under control and fast.
Each week I say the old famous "next week". Then I binge all weekend as a final blowout, then fail to start. Each time it happens I beat myself up about it, and promise myself, next week.... See the cycle here?

There is no real excuse. I have a little man cave full of equipment to use, I have a bit of knowledge in training. Certainly enough to make a difference in my appearance. I can eat clean when I want to and am determined enough. But right now, none of that seems to matter, and I am doing nothing about the situation.

I should point out at this point that, having failed to motivate myself, I am  now trying to borderline embarrass myself into getting my shit together. Publicly announcing that I am failing myself, and trying to make a declaration of commitment to getting healthy again. This isn't a public cry for help as such. But please feel free to abuse me, or cheer me on, whichever you decide would be most effective.

My average weight varies +/- 30 or sol pounds. I have gone further both ways in the past, but most still maintain that at my lightest in years I looked borderline ill. My average weight surprises some people still, but it's a number I have become accustomed to these days.

For years my training ethos has been heavy and hard. Building muscle mass at quite a rate, making fitting into some clothes a challenge. That said, my physio pointed out a month ago that I have lost a large amount of muscle mass around my back, which surprisingly is a good thing for me. My words, not hers. Very noticeable for me when putting on wetsuits and scuba gear for sure.  The only downside to this is the loss has coincided with my loss of willpower, and the gaining around the waist.

In fairness to me (yes, excuse time) with recent issues with my achillies and glutes all coming to a head, and now seeing a second physio about the issues, I am mentally off my game in the name of self preservation, and physically off my game due to training limitations. That said, it's no excuse.

As I was saying, my training ethos, for years has been heavy, but I am slowly coming around to the fact that I am needing to tone more than build these days. Burn fat, and lose size, rather than build muscle and gain size. Contrary to my own beliefs, I'm apparently already quite large as muscle goes. With a GP exclaiming "oh my, you have huge arms, I mean HUGE arms" last year, I guess if someone who examines people daily says it, he must have a point.

I think this might actually be my folding point right now. I know how to train heavy, and obviously training lighter isn't so different. But the feeling between the two is worlds apart. The failure point feels different, fatigue is a whole different game, and the sensation of making changes feels confusing. But I NEED to do it.  I also NEED to get more active again. I am still up silly o'clock daily and out with the dogs, but with the weather changing the dogs are getting out less with me. Trying to pace myself so not to aggravate my achillies or glutes is a chore too. I am a power walker, not a stroller. Walking slowly makes me feel like I am getting old, and I hate it. Being overtaken is NOT cool!

So here I sit, gym equipment behind me, cloud over my head. Thinking to myself "next week", and really hoping that I am right this time. I need my mojo, I need that motivation and self discipline. I respect myself enough to care for myself. Now I just need to show it. Cut the crap eating, reduce intake, strip it all down, and for goodness sakes, WORK HARD !

I have a busy weekend ahead, but hopefully I will find the time to sit down with myself and get a training plan drawn up again. Not to high impact on my feet, allowing for morning stretches and physio too. Targeting my "soft" spots, and really taking things seriously again. I love feeling fitter than this, and heavens knows I like looking better than this. So now is the time.... Isn't it?

Wish me luck, scoff, or just close this blog and wonder why you just read all of this. Whatever you do, hopefully I will be busy getting my shit together and sorting myself out once and for all. Or at least once again! I know a lot of the above is just convenient as an excuse, I don't need telling to stop making them. I know as well as you that I am better than that. What I do know is that as much as an excuse as they are, they are also legitimate issues, but ones I can work around.... And I will !

Thanks for reading, and here's to next week. Oh and me not having to write another one of these "HELP MEEEEE!" style entries for a while.


PS, I know a few highly critical friends of mine will be reading this. I value your opinions truly, admire you commitment to yourselves, and your ongoing ability to maintain. In fact I envy that.

"One day I will be great, until then, I will be determined."

Wow, I made it to week 5!

OK if I am totally honest with you all and myself of course, I really was expecting to pick up an injury or illness before getting this far. However I am super happy that I haven't. Even more delighted that I am still finding the motivation twice a day, six days a week to hit the home gym and bring the pain on. Certainly supercharged my body, and seems to have got some testosterone flowing too, but that's a different story, literally!

As the weeks have gone on, I have been careful to check back over my past weeks, and make changes where I see fit. Increasing weight, reps or sets. Dropping exercises which are starting to cause issues, and modifying where things can be improved. All in all, being my own boss, not being a slave to a routine laid out by someone else, is really working well for me. Didn't honestly think I had it in me in this day and age (getting on a bit, birthday in 9 days) but turns out I have.

My battle now, as I have said before is keeping the bull in the pen. Not unleashing the beast and pushing myself too far. Each day, as the strength grows, I know I can push and pull a little more, but am mindful of the purpose of it. In my 20's benching 3 plates a side was all about ego, numbers and bragging rights, now in my 40's its more about self preservation, so no need to go all out. But still important to be moving a worth while weight.

Dips for example, first couple of weeks, trying to get the strength to do them at all, then once I had it, found myself doing very untidy and rushed reps. High numbers , poor quality. Now, its lower numbers, slow and super clean, and boy can I feel the difference. Same can be said for a number of other exercises too. Writing my plans up on Sundays, its nice to read back and see my achievements, then see where I can raise the bar, and where I am at risk. Changing the movements slightly each week to keep it fresh. But still hitting the same groups.

Going for chest, back, shoulders, and arms, I have to say I feel great hugging myself lol. Sleeping and wrapping up in my own arms, there is a whole load of firmness and bulk now, and it feels egotistically great! Nothing like waking up aching, and thinking, I know what will make me feel better, a workout! Its a great stretch and warm up for the body in the mornings, doing the floor work, almost the perfect solution to a heavy weights workout the night before.

So on this slow, lazy morning, with a lay in, and no dog walks done (raining) I am about to hit the floor and wake my body up, then head off to get some work done on a tattoo I am in the process of getting done. Should make tonight's workout fun, being on my bicep and shoulder!

Right, so that's me, almost at the end of week 5, and no end in sight.
Weight loss and numbers wise, nothing amazing to report, but feeling great, and that's what its all about to me. Strangely got my upper abs just starting to break through and show, through a still rather podgy stomach.

Have a great day..... I will !

Its Friday and I'm bummed!

Almost at the end of week 4 of training now, and like every Friday its weigh in day for me. Not a normal morning for me, slightly ahead of schedule in all aspects of the day, but weigh in done all the same. For the first time in the 4 weeks of training my weight has INCREASED!  Now that's not a terrible thing as its only half a pound, back to 247.4, but as far as motivation goes, that really has bummed me out for a bit.

Now, first up some read 247 and think, wow, hey fatty boom boom, and all that. Think what you may, at my most stripped down ever I was a notch under 200, and in fighting fit form I was 220. Reality is 220-230 is a happy place for me. Im hardly a small frame, and with 26-27" thighs, I'm never gonna be my BMI goal weight lol. But thats OK I can live with that just fine.

Truth be told, to get down to 230 in the coming couple of months would be nice, to be 220 and a fair bit leaner by summer would be lovely. So lets see how that works out shall we.

Training wise, in the past 4 weeks I have not missed a single session, however have missed one or two of the dog walks because of heavy rain. This morning I just bit the bullet and went for it, the floors have paid the ultimate price. Covering approx 60 miles a week at the moment with dog walks, so getting the heart working regularly. Home gym sessions I have varied a bit, but am sticking with a few core muscle groups, and seeing nice changes. I would love to be cocky and say the half pound weight gain could be down to that, but I fear I might be getting a little bit ahead of myself there. We shall see.

Diet wise, stripped down, pretty balanced without getting too fussy about it. Fruit and veg in abundance, complimented by noodles and rice, and a healthy heap of protein from chicken and fish. No cheats, unless you count breakfast cereal in the morning. Tomorrow however IS cheat day, and I will be celebrating big with some chips and maybe some chocolate! Wooooo !

Right, fresh in from the dog walks, changed and ready to go, I just wrote this to cheer myself up a bit about the gain before getting stuck into the morning session... So here I go. 

Happy Friday all!

Feeling gooooooooood!

Its not often that I can say this, but at this moment in time I actually feel really good. Mentally and physically. Usually when my mind is good my body is goofing around or vice versa, but I'm pleased to report that with one small exception, all is well!

So whats changed. I know, it must be that new year thing that happened a couple of weeks ago. The giant reset button in the sky that wipes away all our woes and worries of the year gone by and starts us off with a clean slate..... Errm no!
Got it, new years resolutions, they are the key to success in life. Say something daft while drunk and on your knees on NYE and of course the stars align and life becomes super sweet.......Nope!

Its simple really, a lot of my troubles of years gone by are just that, left in years gone by. Of course I miss having mum around, and a small part of me misses the responsibility I finally found in caring for her. Purpose in life is important, and gives you a bit of drive to do at least something on a regular basis. Then there is routine. As boring as they seem, they are key in some peoples lives, and help us stay on track for what we want.  Talking this morning I was asked what I was up to today, and I replied joking that it was the same as previous. But honestly, that's not a bad thing, to me at least.

So that is actually the answer to the above question of what changed. Routine... I found mine again. For me life is like a perpetual motion machine, and as long as the motion and activity remains regular, the machine never stops. In fact sometimes its so in sync that it will pick up momentum and I will soon be flying along. That's where I love being.

When my mind is occupied, busy and challenged, I'm at my best. My thought process goes into overdrive, my creativity increases, and my want to get things done grows exponentially. All of a sudden for example, I have the desire to write, lots and lots. Get a couple of my blogs back up and running, and get back to that happy sharing place that I thrive.
The one thing missing from this equation is a little button covered device which once empowered me to write big long blogs on the spot, in the moment. My Blackberry!

A year ago, 75% of all my blogs came from my Blackberry's whichever I was using that day. The speed at which I can rattle off a stream of thoughts was incredible, and as much as I love Swiftkey on my Android phones, and tablets, I just cant seem to get my flow.
Same with modern keyboards, who decided that all new keyboards should be wafer thin with flat lifeless keys on them. The same way my aunt once commented that she could not use a standard PC keyboard and far preferred her typewriter, I am caught in the same bind, but a generation later. Flat keyboards are indeed sexy to look at, and for general use are fine. But for really hammering out a long blog, I find them useless. Each to their own of course, and I'm sure similar comparisons exist throughout the world of input options.

Anyway, I digress, this is about me me meeeeeeee, not keyboard and devices of days gone by. Although I should point out that I am currently using a REAL keyboard, a good old fashioned noisy DELL standard keyboard. Hardcore Old School !!

So back to me... The other part of the feel good factor is physical. Getting the get up and go to get back in shape again, buff for summer, pleasing on the eye for the ladies and all that lol. Seriously though, for me its more health than vanity, but cannot deny that I love seeing the definition start to show again, and the shirts pull tight in all the right places, for all the right reasons. Sadly with that comes the desire for more tattoos, which obviously isn't a bad thing, but it can get expensive to have good quality ink on large areas **and flex **

Over the last couple of weeks I have returned to normal dog walking routines. Avoiding my must reach #10MilesADay goal, and just doing what I can, when I can. At the moment that's about 6-8 miles a day, and slowly increasing as my body adjusts. Unlike previous times I'm not rushing in and setting myself stupid goals. This time its all about steady lifestyle changes, and getting into the groove. Along with the daily walks, there is adjusted food intake, but still plentiful, and two short training sessions a day. Once in the morning with some simple physical activities likes press ups, dips and sit ups. And a PM routine on the multi gym hitting back, chest, and arms.. Glamour, glamour!

All in all its feeling good, core tightened, body got that lovely ache to it constantly, and both sitting and standing taller and stronger.

Enough about physical training though, that's what the other blog is for, right!

I guess I just wanted to make this entry for my own sake really. Looking back over years gone by there have been some super low emotional times around this time of year for me, so I'm doing my best to break the loop, and stay on track for my own good. Early every year has historically been bad with the whole Xmas and Birthday dramas, sadness about my daughter, and in more recent years now with Feb being my aunt and mums birthdays, and with my aunt actually passing on my mums birthday, its still a bit of a weird time for me. But, that said, no sadness, just happiness and celebration these days, even managing to get a little bit excited about my own birthday, only took a few decades to care about it haha.

So here's to positivity, being who you are, showing your true colours, and being that little bit selfish and self centred. After all, if you are not firing on all cylinders, what use are you to anyone else, right?

Thank you to little Miss Sweetie Drawers for the inspiration for this entry lol.

Just two weeks remain for me...

I know, its crazy right, hard to believe this is the TWELFTH week I have been following P90X. I am gutted though, as I would love to say I have not missed a beat, but that would not be true. Nope, last week Gout got the better of me and I finally after 11 weeks missed ONE workout. Although I am not too devastated by which one I missed, I still feel incomplete by not managing them all. I missed one round of Legs and Back, and delayed Yoga by a day to ensure I would be able to do it properly.

That said, I can take consolation in the fact that I have been doubling up for almost two weeks now. So while I have missed one, I have actually done an addition 11. So, swings and roundabouts there huh.

So whats happened so far over the past 11 weeks. Well, I have lost a whole load of weight, reduced my size considerably, tightened my core to a ridiculous point. A point where I can feel everything pulling tight no matter what I am doing. Instead of walking around sucking my stomach in, my body is doing it for me constantly. P90X really works. And yes, you can quote me on that. I know its just a workout program on DVD, as a few have been quick to remind me, and have also commented to other friends doing it too. But let me explain in simple terms for those of you out there who still don't quite get this.

12 DVD's, 90 days, 6 days a week, and 1 hour a day (except for Yoga)..... That, plus a little self belief, and a fairly sensible intake of foods is all it takes to transform yourself. If you know me, then look at my pictures. No bull****, no fake stuff, and no lies about how long its taken me to get noticeable changes.
There are varying levels of commitment you can offer the program, in return for which the program will give you a new lease on life. I would be lying if I said I have been strict on my diet.... I haven't. however I have made some pretty big changes, without depriving myself. Round 2 for me will see a change to this. 30+lbs gone, inches from my waist, fat from all parts of my body, just some of the changes I have seen in the last 76 days so far. And I really cant wait to see what Day 90 will bring for the before and after pictures.

The last 2 weeks or 12 workouts will see me pushing hard for the finish line, digging deeper than before, and changing things slightly. I am now using SIS Creatine, Aptonia CW Protein shakes, and Aptonia ISO workout drinks. As well as this, I have decided to cause some muscle confusion, and change from free weights to bands for the last 2 weeks. As well as introducing Nike push-up bars to improve my form and range in push-ups. Today was the first day of using them, and OMG what a difference. Gone are the high reps, and here come the clean and deep push-ups I have been looking for. Same with the bands, no wavering trying to keep the free weights moving cleanly, and in with the high resistance of the bands and super clean reps. Needless to say my body knows it has worked out today, and the post workout discomfort has returned, yay!

From today on, I want to keep my intake pretty strict, getting the right balances of carbs, calories and protein in me, and start heading towards finding the right set up for my next 90 days. These last 2 weeks are as much a test bed for the next round of P90X, as they are the dash for the finish line. Hopefully at the end of this time I will know what is working for me, and can knuckle down and get stuck into a nice clean next 90.

So, before I go, let me just say well done to everyone who is getting onboard the whole BeachBody experience, those committing to 60 or 90 days of change. Well done for primarily believing in yourself, and of course placing some trust in BB and their workouts, to give you the change to your health and your body that you are seeking. Carly, Clare, Chantal, to name but a few. If we can do it, so can you. So quit with the whining, doubting, mocking and excuses and get involved. Its YOUR body, YOUR health, and YOUR life... you get one chance with it all.... Don't **** it up!

Finally, as always, thank you to BeachBody.com, the P90X crew, Tony Horton and Jace and her Warriors for giving me everything I need to change my life once and for all.

Introducing Creatine

Its been a long time since I used supplements in any form of daily routine, but the time has come now to step up my game.
Have I reached my plateau, no I don't think I have. However I am looking for more from my routine now. And from past experience Creatine is one hell of a leg up.
At the same time I am also introducing protein shakes too. As I move from entry level to more aggressive weights and input levels in the sessions, I know my body is left craving for the right stuff. Vitamins, protein, and a little hit of carbs just to keep the body ticking over.
As the weeks have passed I can physically feel my body slowly starting to explode with muscle growth and firmness, so the plan is to add to that, to aid the recovery of the body and the development of the muscles to really boost my results. Now the plan here is not to become the hulk, nor to make myself into some sort of adonis. But instead I want to target some areas to build on my strength in activities, and give me the push forwards to the next cycle. Improving my form and stamina is key here, but I would be lying if I said I was not interested in how I look... Of course I am :)
With every great opportunity, there is a price to pay, or at least the possibility of a bill anyway. I am of course not talking about the actual cost of the supplements. Which of course as most know, is upsettingly high!
I of course refer to the physical cost. Previously when using creatine I found that after I had loaded up (first week) my moods were fine, but my patience became a little frayed to say the least. Getting anxious from time to time. Not in a terrible way, I was not pacing hallways and worrying about the price of bread. But more personal things could provoke a reaction from me.
Part of this effect is going to be based on the increase testosterone raging through my body with all the increased activity and heavy training. This time around I am not training anywhere near as hard, well not as heavy or intensely anyway, and there is a huge increase in CV activity too. So hopefully that will balance things out a little bit this time.
So let's see how it goes. I'm hoping that people around me will be the first to warn be if I start to be a bit of a dick.
So here we go, Week10 of P90X, 4 more weeks of full on, hard hitting training, ready to commit 100% to the routine now, and take my diet a little more seriously. Introducing creatine, protein, and a whole new range of resistance bands to really help me up my game. Let's see where we are at the end now. The finish line is in sight, but for now, it only marks the end of Lap 1.
So let go people, dig deep, train hard, love life.
#P90X baby, its the shiz!

What the hell is going on!

First up, what is the chances of 50% of the workers in an office losing a parent in 3 months. Further to that, the number increases even further if you up the time scale to a year. 4 people out of the 6 in my office have had a parent pass in the last 12 months! Its a crazy number, and one that really defines mortality to you.
To go hand in hand with that, in the past 16 months I have lost my oldest friend, one of my closest friends, my mother, and a close friends father who I knew very well. On top of that there is another friend who also passed shortly before that. Not a good year for a personal death toll then (pardon the phrase)
I can only hope that the person I am about to talk about doesn't add themselves to that toll any time soon.

So, my Aunty Joan, who is currently receiving treatment for breast and bone cancer, but fighting like a trooper, just like my mum did. Her health for her age is amazing, let alone for someone who has cancer in such awkward places. It would be lovely if she can just keep hanging on in there forever more, but the reality of it is far more gloomy. So why do I speak of her, well that's simple, I'm going to see her tomorrow.
Its been a while since I have seen her, quite a long time in fact. I have not seen her since the weekend of mums funeral which was back in mid August, so I am long overdue a visit. To add to this I am taking advantage of the half term holidays and taking my niece and nephew to meet Joan too. The last time either of them was in Wales was when they were babies, and far too young to have met Joan properly, so no time like the present eh.
The plan is somewhat up in the air at the moment. Where I would love to spend the whole weekend with them there, and take my time showing them the sights, and taking them on a trip down mums memory lane, I'm not sure how far the money will stretch for accommodation etc, so we shall have to see.

I did have a master plan in place, but at the moment it all seems to have gone a little arse up, so its going to be an 'as it happens' weekend. A few sights, some photography and education for Katie, a little fun and games if the weather holds out, and bonding with them of course, which apparently I have not done enough of. Fingers crossed I can make the most of it.

The success of the weekend will of course depend on if I get my voice back in time to shout and scream at the kids, scream at other roads users, and not forgetting actually conversing with my Aunt. Without my voice I am going to feel a little useless. In all seriousness I want to be able to show them the sights, and tell them some stories, not just pull up, point, smile and move on. Talking to my aunt is also very important to me, and I also like to talk to her carer too, to get a clear picture of her health and her well being. Little things like appetite, activity level and interests are all important to know, so I can make my own judgement on her outlook so to speak.

The losing of my voice is the final insult to a week of having a cold, then a chesty cough, and now coughing so much I have manager to lose my voice. Less phonecalls for me at work I guess, that's one advantage lol. However for day to day things its causing me hell, especially for making phone calls to creditors etc. Speaking of which, reminds me of something else. My to do list. Written up a few days ago, with anything and everything I have to do, from reporting repairs, right through to sorting finance. If I say so myself I have managed a large number of the things from the list. Trivial things like cleaning, and huge thing like sorting money matters out have all been taken care of so far. Just a few more things to get out of the way, hopefully I will have this sorted by the end of the weekend.

On another note.... My god I have put weight on! Huge amounts over the past couple of months. Stress and poor health have not helped, but the truth is I have become a lazy fat knacker too. A habit I need to get out of soon, and get my weight and lifestyle back on track. Morning walks with the dogs have suffered, eating habits are stupid at the moment, and clothes sizes are rising, but still within tolerances. So that's next on my to do list.

And another note, my scan. I have heard nothing back from the doctor, not sure if I actually will on something like this. Maybe I am meant to go to see him, I really should call up and see what the score is on that count, and see if they decided it was anything noticeable or just me being a whiner.

Right that's me done for now.
As a foot note I want to say that my thoughts are with Steve Warwick and his family now after the passing of his father last night. Its a tough time for them all I'm sure, and I just want them to know I am here if I can help with anything.
And also to the Pirrie/Somers family. With David having his bone marrow transplant yesterday, the next week or so are very important, so here's to hoping that everything that is needed to be seen happens, and that he is on the mend very soon. Respect to his brother for making the donation.

A new week, a new start..

But lets take a look back at last week shall we, highlights and outcomes.

First up, the most popular topic searched on my blog last week was..... The great RIM outage of 2011. Affecting millions, infuriating most of them, and getting LOTS of media publicity over the course of the 3 day outage, and a hell of a lot of bad press. It sure was a testing time, and showed a lot of users how dependent they are on their Blackberry devices. With the loss of BBM some felt like a limb had been removed, others felt relieved and thankful for the peace and quiet. I was somewhere in the middle there I think. I wont deny im glad to have it back, but I was shocked at how annoying the notifications of BBM, email, Facebook etc can get when you are doing something else. In reply to the outrage of the outage, RIM have today announced a $100 gift to each subscriber to purchase apps from Blackberry App World, including a lot of their premium apps. Not only this, they are including apps that are for the Blackberry Playbook too, which means my games collection is about to increase somewhat.
So at the end of the day, thank you RIM, thats good compensation, and great customer relations.

Then of course we cant forget the launch of the iPhone 4S. Not the long awaited iPhone 5, but a step towards it. Following the passing of Steve Jobs recently, I think there were great expectations on the company, but most were unlikely to admit disappointment, but rather keep their opinions guarded out of respect. iOS5 was also launched at almost the same time, and that too had its fair share of disappointments. Firstly with users struggling to get it to download, due to the huge demand on the servers, followed by a few having issues with the install itself. Either failing or losing their data during the restore process. Everything is bound to have a glitch along the line, and like Blackberry their time was now. So a bad week for technology no doubt.

At the tail end of the week some of the major cities saw mass protests, like the one I blogged on Sunday, with Occupy London taking over the steps of St Pauls Cathederal, quite clearly inplicated in the financial crisis of course!? From being there it was interesting to monitor Twitter at the same time, and observe the number of bullshit posts from the unwashed claiming they were being kettled, crushed, denied access to food and water or toilet facilities. All of which was un-true. Certainly for the 5 hours I observed it for. Always nice to see both sides of the fence. From my perspective the police were very tolorant of the protesters, treated them fairly and spoke to them with respect. Any advances into the containment were clearly communicated, and done fairly... But then you are never going to get the truth from the 'victims' now are you! it was a great photographic opportunity though.

So what else was there.....

Oh, the F1. Seeing Lewis Hamilton finally coming back to form after so much time below par during the past few races. Coming good during quali, and snatching pole position from the Redbulls sure put a smile on peoples faces. The race... well it didnt go as well as it could have I guess, but second is still respectable against the destructive force that has dominated F1 this season. Meanwhile Lewis remains on an all time low, not being able to put his finger on the cause. All we can do is wish him well, and hope that he returns to form for 2012. Wishing you all the best Lewis. And not forgetting of course the surprising Jenson Button. Underdog for so long, but springing to his full potential with Brawn, Jenson continues to go from strength to strength. With a win last race, and some consistancy, he is also going to be exciting to watch in the McLaren in 2012.

Speaking of motor racing, last night saw a horrific crash at the Indycar in Vegas, with a 15 car collision, resulting in the death of Dan Wheldon, a well respected racer from the lower series in here in the UK, and very popular Indycar racer. Winning the Indy500 twice, he was by all accounts a stunning driver. Leaving behind and wife and children, and a lot of fan. Like the death of others, this was televised life, so a nation watched on as the events unfolded until it was determined he was deceased. Having done this when Senna died, I can say its a gutwrenching experience to know you have just watched a fatal accident.
That said, the the amount of flames and smashed cars, and the speeds of the collisions, it is amazing that so few were injured. The safety standards of Indy are nothing compared to F1, with concrete and mesh as guard rails, and different construction in the cars, the scope for serious injury is high. R.I.P Dan Wheldon

Oh, I guess I had better put something about me here as well, its meant to be about me isnt it!
So last week and this week. Well money matters are pissing me off a little, I really need to get on top of things before they spiral out of control again. Due to coming off benefits, all the 'you owe us' letters are arriving thick and fast now, so they need addressing. Then I also need to ensure I am on top of the other bills hitting the mat. on the other hand my 'mental state' seems pretty stable, and the reduction in Citlopram is working nicely, down from 40mg to 20mg and all is well. Cant wait for the next drop then the ending of the meds.
On the other side of things, I had my ultrasound today, finally after a month of waiting. It was quite a long winded process, far more in depth than I thought it would be. Nothing was said, but lots of screen captures were made and prepared to be sent to my GP, so I await hearing from him to see what the outcome is. I am still getting stabbing and cramping pains there after all this time, but not during yawning now, so I dont know what to think.

I have managed to get myself a cold too this weekend, so an coughing and spluttering everywhere at the moment, trying to focus on my work, and taking all the medication I can to try and keep it from going to my chest. If it gets there then I am pooped for the next month as it lingers for so long if it does. I just need a nice sunny holiday right now I think, that would hit the spot. However if any holiday is on the horizon it is a snow holiday. Speaking of snow I am buying winter clothes and jackets like their is no tomorrow. Maybe my spidey senses can feel an arctic winter coming!
Whilst on the subject of cold weather.... Wales. I am off there at the weekend hopefully to introduce my neice and nephew to my Aunty Joan. Its been way too long since I was last up there, and Joan has never really met either of them, not at speaking age anyway. I just think it is important for them to meet eachother. So there is some knowledge there. Joan can be proud of then next generation of her family, and the kids will get to meet their nanny's sister, and learn more about her up bringing. I want to spend at least a whole day up there so I can show them around a bit, and share some of my favourite places around the area, as well as showing them where mum grew up. At the same time I have borrowed a DSLR from Noel, so I can help Katie explore her interest in photography, and see if she is really interested in following up with it.

Personally I love photography, and it feels great to have a DSLR back in my hands, so its exciting on two levels for me. So we shall see if Katie can be bothered with the set up and experimentation of a DSLR, or prefers the ease of a point and shoot. It should be an exciting weekend for all, I hope at least. Chances are I will stop off in Derby on the way home, saving money on a hotel, seeing Cadell and Archie, and then possibly bringing them to London the next day. We shall see how it turns out. I have to speak to my Aunt's carer to see if Joan will be up for the visit, and everyone will actually be there. At this late stage I hope this is the case.

Right thats enough now I think, I will do another entry when the rest of the things come back to me. Thanks for reading, and feel free to follow me on Twitter @michaelsnasdell