I'm on a slippery slope... Again!

I don't know how I keep finding myself like this, but over and over I find myself heading south. Its almost like havings downs and up's in life, rather than up's and downs. When I bounce back it seems I bounce down not up. Do I live some weird anti gravity life?
I have to be totally honest and say its doing my freakin head in here. All I want is a decent period of time on the up for once.

Right now I'm over weight, owe money, unhealthy, lazy and under motivated. So much needs sorting out, but all I can think about and do is eat, sleep and drag my arse into work. Its pathetic! I know I CAN get out of this, but its a matter of doing it, and finding a way to stay away from the edge for a while.

Today I have made a start, trying to be positive. Bit of tidying up, got up earlier, made a couple of long overdue phonecalls, and taken some photos to report some repairs on the house. Baby steps I call it, others might call it a half hearted attempt. Tomorrow I will try and get back in the morning dog walk routine. With the fireworks season underway they won't get evening walks for a while now. There are so many more steps, so hopefully my strides will increase in size, and I will pick up speed.

The next hurdle which I need some speed to tackle is the weight issue. I would not call myself a yo-yo weight loser, more a bungee... Goes quickly, stays off a long time then springs back on gently but continuously lol. Either way it needs sorting.
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*sigh!

Thats all I have to say about how I feel right now, about a multitude of things.
Health, feeling crap, sore throat, no voice, sniffles, cough and still no proper answer from my doctor's about my stomach pain. The receptionist tried to read the results from the scan today but said it was better a GP spoke to me about it as there were words she didnt understand on there. So a call back request has been placed. This will take place in 1-3 days time! Til then, its stomach discomfort as usual for me.

Then there is the Occupy London rubbish. Dedicated to their cause, willing to illegally occupy areas of London they are not permitted or wanted on. Happy to close St Paul's Cathedral for however long it takes... Oh but wait a minute....

"A police helicopter's thermal imaging camera showed the tent encampment was almost entirely empty overnight.
This has led to accusations that the 300-strong group of protesters are part-timers, going home to warm beds in the evenings to sleep.
The protesters are aware of the vacancies and allocate empty tents to newcomers.
Corporation of London councillor Matthew Richardson said: "It is incredible. The overnight monitoring of the site by the police showed that 90% of the tents are unoccupied.
"It just shows most of the demonstrators don't have the courage of their convictions and are just here to make trouble."

Source http://news.sky.com/home/uk-news/article/16095687

So in reality, as quoted above, they are exactly what I said a week ago, pathetic !

Right now I am just on a proper low, feeling like crap, worrying about the wrong things, and just sick and tired of feeling like this. Not depressed or anything, but just no motivation to be doing anything positive. I just want my health back once and for all, and no more of these outbreaks of ulcers, sore throats, etc.

Moan over for now. Was going to write more, but in the general mood of things, I cant be bothered.

The weekend in Wales and Derby with the kids

Well this weekend I have been to Wales and am now in Derby with the niece and nephew Katie and Calum. The trip to Wales was for them to meet my aunt Joan, and the stop in Derby to drop in on Cadell and Archie (my part time son) and bring them back to London with us.

The meet with Joan went well, they were nervous to start with but soon relaxed. By the end of the few hours spent there they were happy and charged with energy, and Joan was so pleased to have met them.

So I will be quiet for now and add the pictures for all to see. I will add more text later
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Not even funny!

Further to my observations and opinions earlier regarding the Occupy London protesters lsxlondon, I just watched a live news report, showing now over 100 tents outside the cathedral, and confirmations from the 'protesters' that they will NOT be moving.

In the background is a banner saying 'respect us'...... Are you fuckin serious! You are imposing yourself on St Paul's Cathedral, forcing their doors shut to tourists and worshippers, losing them £20,000 a day (thought you cared about people and the financial situation!!), and after this you want respect!!

Respect is earned not deserved. Move on, show you deserve respect, then you might get just a little.

I can't see it happening though, and am sure we will see more disruption over the weekend. You bunch of chimps!
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Dear 'Protesters'

If that's what you choose to call yourselves. I just wanted to clarify something with you all.

In the 80's we had 'flying pickets' that appeared on any picket line that showed up in the middle of the unrest surrounding the miners strikes. For Greenham Common we saw loads of people just jumping on an exciting bandwagon of nuclear activism. In more recent times we had the riots in the towns and cities of the UK, where we saw opportunistic little idiots claiming to sympathise and understand the causes which were the cause of the unrest, and display their understanding by looting shops and burning them to the ground.

This is not forgetting of course the Student Protests, in which we saw an extraordinary demonstration of violence and stupidity. With hopeful students going to prison, buildings torched, and a complete waste of police resources, and damage to public property. Mainly by mindless idiots who just joined in, but partially by educated and intelligent people.

Now we come to 'you'... Where exactly do you fit in here? Popping up at Dale Farm, then at Occupy London, and then back to Dale Farm etc... Wtf is your game? I don't get it. Are you hormonal, over sympathetic, pathetic, or just trouble makers?

Dale Farm, yes it has taken eons to make progress on the evictions, and its not nice to be turfed out of your long term home. But then again if you do something illegal, its pretty obvious the law will catch up with you eventually. I feel sympathy for those affected, and pity for the youngster who find themselves on the move. However almost all the trouble caused at the protest and subsequent eviction was caused by YOU! The non travelling travellers were upset and showed their anger and distress, but it seems it was the 'activists' or 'protesters' that were doing the stupid and dangerous things, as well as the acts of violence towards the police and violence.
The law was against you, the police were there to enforce the bailiffs, so violence towards them was nothing to do with democratic rights to protest, it was just ignorance to everything around you, and an excuse to be a trouble maker and get some TV time.
When its all done you will all just piss off to the next protest, lose contact with those that you 'care' about and remember nothing more that the bricks you threw at other human beings. The same human beings you accused of brutality for so much as pushing you!

Moving on we have Occupy London aka Piss Off St Pauls! What exactly is to be gained here. You have a gripe with their financial neighbours, so are sitting on THEIR doorstep, causing an obstruction and distress to visitors. If you have a complaint about an Adsa pie, do you complain to Tesco because its more convenient.... The answer is NO!
Not only do most of you have little involvement in the financial structure of this country, let alone any input to it other than your bottles of cider, but I'm sure most don't even understand the point of the protest at all. When I was there to observe your stupidity on Sunday I was in awe of the mixed messages being read out, and on banners. The lack of structure to it all, and the dumbness of the behaviour of the mindless attention seeking idiots there.

Kettling! Seriously, it was a containment. If you want to experience kettling, go to the Notting Hill Carnival or other such busy place. POor treatment... You had toilets, water and food. Not tear gas, water cannons, and non lethal rounds being fired at you... You didn't only get your democratic rights, you were pampered to a level you did NOT deserve. Only to cry foul play, and brutality.

You can probably tell I am NOT a fan of your behaviour. Nor the way the reasonable people of the UK have their tax money spent on managing your unruly protests, poor behaviour, and for that matter, pay for your facilities and the repairs to the property you damage.

There is protesting to make your point, there are sit-in's to cause disruption to the operation of a company or organisation. There are strikes to disrupt the productivity of a company (although you would need a job first) and then there is downright stupid behaviour which serves no purpose other than to seek attention, dilute the seriousness of the true cause. Every cause you touch turns stupid, every voice you try to 'help' to echo, you in fact drown it out.

You are bored, irritating, costly, jobless, mainly unclean, trouble makers with nothing better to do with your lives than jump on any media bandwagon, proclaim your commitment to the cause, and then run away with it.
If you REALLY care about money, and the financial situation of the country, stop causing so much trouble, let innocent businesses trade without fear of disruption or destruction, stop the need for huge police numbers (in overtime) to manage your poor behaviour, and save the country some money. And if you really care, do some volunteer work, soup kitchens, care centres, park projects. There are plenty of places calling out for free help. But then there are no free facilities, and no media attention, so I guess that's you out.

To all the genuine people who know the cause they support, commit themselves to it, and demonstrate in the true democratic way, I applaud you for sticking to your guns, following your beliefs, and having your voice heard by others, and I truly hope these idiots who ruin it for you, grow up and get jobs soon.
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What the hell is going on!

First up, what is the chances of 50% of the workers in an office losing a parent in 3 months. Further to that, the number increases even further if you up the time scale to a year. 4 people out of the 6 in my office have had a parent pass in the last 12 months! Its a crazy number, and one that really defines mortality to you.
To go hand in hand with that, in the past 16 months I have lost my oldest friend, one of my closest friends, my mother, and a close friends father who I knew very well. On top of that there is another friend who also passed shortly before that. Not a good year for a personal death toll then (pardon the phrase)
I can only hope that the person I am about to talk about doesn't add themselves to that toll any time soon.

So, my Aunty Joan, who is currently receiving treatment for breast and bone cancer, but fighting like a trooper, just like my mum did. Her health for her age is amazing, let alone for someone who has cancer in such awkward places. It would be lovely if she can just keep hanging on in there forever more, but the reality of it is far more gloomy. So why do I speak of her, well that's simple, I'm going to see her tomorrow.
Its been a while since I have seen her, quite a long time in fact. I have not seen her since the weekend of mums funeral which was back in mid August, so I am long overdue a visit. To add to this I am taking advantage of the half term holidays and taking my niece and nephew to meet Joan too. The last time either of them was in Wales was when they were babies, and far too young to have met Joan properly, so no time like the present eh.
The plan is somewhat up in the air at the moment. Where I would love to spend the whole weekend with them there, and take my time showing them the sights, and taking them on a trip down mums memory lane, I'm not sure how far the money will stretch for accommodation etc, so we shall have to see.

I did have a master plan in place, but at the moment it all seems to have gone a little arse up, so its going to be an 'as it happens' weekend. A few sights, some photography and education for Katie, a little fun and games if the weather holds out, and bonding with them of course, which apparently I have not done enough of. Fingers crossed I can make the most of it.

The success of the weekend will of course depend on if I get my voice back in time to shout and scream at the kids, scream at other roads users, and not forgetting actually conversing with my Aunt. Without my voice I am going to feel a little useless. In all seriousness I want to be able to show them the sights, and tell them some stories, not just pull up, point, smile and move on. Talking to my aunt is also very important to me, and I also like to talk to her carer too, to get a clear picture of her health and her well being. Little things like appetite, activity level and interests are all important to know, so I can make my own judgement on her outlook so to speak.

The losing of my voice is the final insult to a week of having a cold, then a chesty cough, and now coughing so much I have manager to lose my voice. Less phonecalls for me at work I guess, that's one advantage lol. However for day to day things its causing me hell, especially for making phone calls to creditors etc. Speaking of which, reminds me of something else. My to do list. Written up a few days ago, with anything and everything I have to do, from reporting repairs, right through to sorting finance. If I say so myself I have managed a large number of the things from the list. Trivial things like cleaning, and huge thing like sorting money matters out have all been taken care of so far. Just a few more things to get out of the way, hopefully I will have this sorted by the end of the weekend.

On another note.... My god I have put weight on! Huge amounts over the past couple of months. Stress and poor health have not helped, but the truth is I have become a lazy fat knacker too. A habit I need to get out of soon, and get my weight and lifestyle back on track. Morning walks with the dogs have suffered, eating habits are stupid at the moment, and clothes sizes are rising, but still within tolerances. So that's next on my to do list.

And another note, my scan. I have heard nothing back from the doctor, not sure if I actually will on something like this. Maybe I am meant to go to see him, I really should call up and see what the score is on that count, and see if they decided it was anything noticeable or just me being a whiner.

Right that's me done for now.
As a foot note I want to say that my thoughts are with Steve Warwick and his family now after the passing of his father last night. Its a tough time for them all I'm sure, and I just want them to know I am here if I can help with anything.
And also to the Pirrie/Somers family. With David having his bone marrow transplant yesterday, the next week or so are very important, so here's to hoping that everything that is needed to be seen happens, and that he is on the mend very soon. Respect to his brother for making the donation.

What a terrible day.

Such conflict in my emotions today, caused by the passing of two people.

Firstly there is a sense of happiness that the world no longer hosts one of its cruellest dictators. A man who has ruled with tyranny for decades, and created a country so misunderstood by the world, that until a few months ago most thought they were a nation of terrorists, and a country full of trouble. As the story has developed, it has become clear that Libya stood for so much more, and was determined to cease the movement of the North African nations against their rulers, and finally stand up for what they believed in.

Today they gained their freedom. In what some might describe as an unjust and bloody way, but it has ended the terror he inflicted once and for all. The name Gadaffi will no doubt live of for years, with the likes of Hussain and Bin Laden, and connected to their distant crazy relatives of tyranny like Hitler. All crazy people who used terror and torture to install themselves in power, and who turned people against their own in the promise of a better life in return for inflicting pain and hate upon their own.

The past few years have seen the fall of most of there hateful people, and we can only hope it was assisted by the West for the right reasons, and words like money and oil don't start creeping up in agreements. The British Empire was historically greedy and selfish, so let us not see the birth of the American Empire for this generation.

Then I have to turn my attention the the conflict in my own mind. Another passing has occurred today, which has provoked a completely different reaction in my mind and heart. The father of a dear friend of mine. In fact it is fair to say the entire family have been dear to my heart for many years now. He has been suffering what most would consider unbearable pain for as long as I can remember. The kind of discomfort you would beg to be freed from, and the sort of decline in health that makes a grown man weep to even consider, let alone experience.

Throughout the twenty years I have had the pleasure of knowing him, he has fought tooth and nail to maintain his quality of life, not giving up driving until it was impossible, refusing to roll over and let illnesses get the better of him, and never really feeling sorry for himself. I know many people who have suffered illness and pain, but few who have been so nobel in their journey, and who have maintained such dignity.

Having lost my mother only a couple of months ago, I can truly empathise with how Steven is feeling right now. However as mums decline was so one directional it was always clear to see where things were going. For Steven and Andrew (brothers) they have had to watch their fathers health behave like an ECG, up and down, bottomless lows only to bounce back to the top of the scale again. Strokes and mini strokes which rewrite the medical rules of how many one person can endure.

The world has lost a true fighter in every sense of the word tonight, and I say proudly that it has been a true pleasure being part of the life of such a true gentleman, father and husband to the Warwick family.
My thoughts are with you guys, and if you need a single thing, you know where I am.
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The Dale Farm plot

I really didn't realise how large this illegal plot was!
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Dale Farm

Hot topic of the day, so I thought I would have my say on the matter. I will try and keep it as unbiased as possible, but my level or should I say lack of respect for the residents there might show thorough, so here goes.

Firstly.... 99% of the people there at this time, up on the scaffolding, tied off to gates and in other ridiculous situations to try and hinder the operation, are NOTHING to do with this situation. They are just travelling 'professional protesters' who seem to find a topic, sympathise with it, and then just attach themselves to it, causing disruption, costing the tax payer more and just being a pain in the arse really.

That's not to say that supporting a cause you believe in is not noble, of course it is. But there is supporting a cause because you fully understand it and consider it worthy, and then there is hearing about a high profile case and just showing up there to get involved, antagonise the police and make the situation as awkward as possible. The latter can be said of this bunch of clowns. The ambition of a slug, the hygiene of something feral, the brain power of a jellyfish, and the respect of a charging bull. Add to that the acting of a premiership football player and suddenly we begin to see what these people are like.

As I watch live one woman was escorted out, and as she reached the camera's she suddenly started clutching and protecting her face, writhing like she was sporting some sort of injury... They are there for publicity and fun, nothing else, and like most other high profile cases, rather than adding to the support for the people who truly believe they have a case, these people take the spotlight off the true cause and make a mockery of it. Student protests, London riots, Occupy London and so on, the true trouble makers are unwashed idiots who travel from one hotspot to another just wasting everyones time.

So the true cause, well I guess its hard to gauge really. Illegal use of a piece of land, illegal occupation of another piece of land, once you know you have started to do wrong I guess you know it isn't gonna last forever. However in this case I think the period of time this has happened over is the big problem. Many years have passed, and the camp,has got bigger and more established, making people feel like this is an illegal land clearance, almost as if the council are retaking the land illegally. However in the eyes of the law, this is not the case. And for that matter I agree that the clearance is legal also.

It must indeed be heartbreaking to have your home taken away, especially for the young ones who don't understand what's going on there. You can't knock the older residents for putting up such a fight either, credit where its due. But the mixture of the arrogance of the settlers, and the stupidity of the travelling protesters just makes a recipe for disaster. Barricades, high platforms, people chained to structures, added to this people setting fire to caravans etc, and this could get really bad, and do the actual case no good whatesoever.

At the end of the day, the fight is over, the legal bodies have granted permission, the police are well equipped and determined, and for however long it takes, the site will be cleared.
Somewhat ironic that for the smelly people joining in occupy London pretending to support the cause of opposing the spending cuts and waste of money by the government, this is the second event in five days that has cost a HUGE sum of money to police it! Into the millions, to police things that could be done in other ways, especially without the involvement of these irritating little people.

At the end of the day, they are there illegally, they built illegally, and if were allowed to remain it would make a mockery of the legal system, the planning system, and all other rules that civilised people live by.
Dale Farm has so far cost roughly £18m... I wonder how that breaks down per head of genuine resident of the site. However you look at it, its a disgusting sum of money to have to throw at something like this.

One final warning, hundreds of people will soon be on the move.... Will they be YOUR new neighbour? I hope not!
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Wow, I just realised something.

How the hell did I miss this one, its so obvious now I have just had the conversation, but until now it has evaded me. What the hell am I talking about? Read on and see.

For as long as I can remember I have had lots and lots of 'girl friend', notice the space between the words. For years now some of my best friends have been girls. Clicking with them, and having far more open and intimate conversations than I would ever have with age old guy friends. And at the same time, I always seemed to be the one they would turn to, trust and confide in. No blurry lines, no confusion about the relationship, just trust, friendship, and honesty.

What's brought this on you ask? Anna, that's who (yes you titch). Meeting her way back in about 2001-2002, she was the girlfriend of one of many people I used to hang out with back in my 'facinated by cars' phase of my life. A delicate pretty little thing, she caught many guys eyes. Funny, cocky and a great sense of humour, she only seemed to lack one thing... Security! She was a great showman though, putting on the brave face, the determined and loving mother, who just happened to get treated like shit from time to time by her boyfriend.

Things were strange but pleasant between us, not really knowing her that well, but whenever we spoke there was an air of comfort there in which you could discuss anything. After some time it became obvious, to me at least that she wasn't as happy as it first seemed, all was not well in paradise.
The bizarre part about this is, while being there more and more for Anna, with her being a great friend and lending me her car, spending time popping to see her at work and chat about our woes, I found myself in the middle of a second almost identical situation.

This was let's say Natalie (not the real name), and while the situation was identical in one way, it was totally different in another. She was in a very similar relationship to Anna, but things between us would get a little more complex. With a sexual relationship going on with Nat, I suddenly became aware of how deeply the way the guys treated these girls affected them, and how much hurt was being caused. This was not only skin deep, a few tears and all was well again. This was long term emotional damage being caused here, changing how the girls would be forever more.

So now when I spoke to Anna from this point in, I had a greater understanding of what she was going through, and somehow felt compelled to do more, be there more, and do anything I could just to make sure the little munchkin smiled whenever possible. Often talking for long periods, then spending the rest of the evening texting to make sure all was well, it started to seem like although the hurt was still there, the pressure was somehow being released. So that felt good to know I was serving a purpose for someone. Meanwhile it was also nice to have someone so close, that I both trusted and didn't have a complicated relationship with, to talk to when I needed to let off steam too.

So thank you Anna for being there when no one else quite understood what I was going through. Male ego just wants to discuss sex, positions and other bullshit, but having someone to talk to about the emotional and more delicate things really made the difference. I hope in some way I repaid you for this.

Phew, deep!

So looking back over a longer span of time there have been other cases when the same has occurred, when I have been a shoulder, taken the time out to listen, advise, and watch the girl fail to make the break for a long period of time. Strange how the name John comes round again and again... Its my middle name too, how about that for coincidence. What I will say though is that as draining as it has been on me at times, and taking great chunks of my time and life, every second has been worth it. To know I can make a difference to someone's day, to know that the smile I see by the end is the real one, the true inner beauty finally shining though again, that feeling is priceless. Try it!

Now however, another challenge lays ahead. Well many in fact, most being personal to me, ambitions, finances, lifestyle choices etc. But there is one that stands out like a sore thumb. The plight of an old friend who finds herself in a very unfortunate, unfair and unsatisfactory position, and one I am not willing to stand by and watch unfold.....
Watch this space.

But for now, thank you Anna the little nutter for making me realise everything I have just written.
Love ya hun, and here for you always (even after you blanked me for so long lol)

X

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