Recently with a break in my routine and feeling a little crappy, I have noticed the junk creeping back in. The annoying thing is, I know what I'm doing, its not subconscious thought at all, its all planned out in my mind. Late night binges, take away cravings etc. Ok so its not as bad as I'm making it sound, but its the beginning of the road to self destruction again, and one I don't want to take.
Sitting here after finishing a nice healthy breakfast, and actually hearing my mind starting the thought and planning process, I am putting my foot down and stopping it right here. Picking up a chocolate bar or some tic-tacs on the way to a meeting or while doing something, fine. But keeping stuff at home just to binge on when I'm 'bored' or want a distraction, that's just not on.
I doubt I have done any harm to myself over the past week. Maybe gained a pound (that's 454g Amber lol), but nothing serious. The good news is that I am taking control of it again, and not letting this continue. Having been ill for a good few days now, I think the added carbs and sugars have just maintained what I was otherwise going to lose, so not all bad.
What I need is to find an alternative comfort. Its not like there aren't any. I have my fluffy dogs, good friends to distract me, and other options too. Its just about not expecting to be able to have what you want, when you want 24-7, and accepting that others have their own lives, and their own things to do too. So a little patience goes a long way. The other option is apply so much pressure that they give up on you and walk! And that's never a good thing.
When I take a step back and look at yesterday I realise how panicked and attention seeking I became over what was probably just a petty situation. Sure I was pissed off and upset, but it wasn't life and death, nothing was going to go catastrophically wrong, and talking about it in person to someone right at that second was unlikely to change the feeling of frustration I had.
Instead some time out, a distraction from thinking about it and just letting it go for a bit was the better solution. My my what an emotional wreck I have turned into these days. Taking so much to heart so quickly. The bigger issue is how I spill this all over other people. Putting pressure on them to be there for me, or to feel obligated to do something or accommodate poor poor me. Without taking into consideration what is going on in their lives. Funny that, I spend more of my life worrying about others, but at moments like this I just become a selfish attention seeking twat who throws his toys from the pram because the world can't stop turning for ME! (Cheers for that line Sam)
So if you put up with my tantrum last night, or I was moaning at you in a way that made you feel guilty in any way, I'm sorry. I am aware it was unfair, childish and stretching our friendship.
But most of all..... Thank you for being there last night, and thank you for still being there today :) x
So on the grand scheme of things, maybe comfort in the food is the easier way out, especially for someone like me who as good as sticks pins in people in order to get a reaction. Or maybe the answer is to learn to deal with situation better in the first place? I think that might be something to look into.
I have made an appointment to see my counsellor this afternoon, to try and get to grips with the past few weeks, and make sense of whats going on in my mind. At this point I don't want to consider upping my meds again, as 90% of the time I'm fine as I am.
Hopefully a steam blowing session with my counsellor will help no end. Someone neutral to it all. Thinking back though, I have seen a lot of people and spoken with them recently, I had almost forgotten how many people I have seen in just the last week alone. Thank you to all of you :) . I am also hoping that speaking to the counsellor will try and make me see the whole money thing in a different light too. And maybe I will even speak to my sister about the situation and try and get to the bottom of why it arose in the first place.
Right, another kind of therapy is called for right now, walking. Time to get the dogs ready for their morning adventure out, and try and get them both walked while fitting in with the rest of the daily schedule. Where there is a will there is a way, right?
Onwards and upwards from here, for a while at least eh.
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