Tuesday, March 8, 2011

"I got a split personality...."

Ok so they are actually song lyrics from Example's 'Two Lives' track, but the more I listen to it, the more I can relate on a number of levels. Recently I bought some CD's just to freshen up the music in my car, and this track appears on one of them. I had not paid much attention to the track before. But having spent a lot of time driving recently I have heard it over and over, and it almost haunts me right now if I'm honest.

I have spent a lot of time reflecting on aspects of my life over the past week or two, and come to a simple conclusion. I indeed have a split personality or two lives. Not in a mentally unstable way I might add, although some might disagree. But seriously, I really do. When I look at certain parts of my life, I realise how differently I can behave towards an almost identical situation. And in another respect I have two completely different sides to me with regards to life in general. Both side knows nothing about the other side. A social line drawn which is never crossed.

I have actually been like this for about ten years now, but its only been recent weeks that have made it apparent that the divide remains firmly in place. Its almost like a 'work life, home life' thing, but on a far grander scale, with a whole heap of complexity mixed in for good measure. I bet you are reading this now thinking "he hasn't taken his medication has he", and to be fair, you would be right at this moment in time. But I'm not going mad, honest.

Let me try to explain this a little more before someone sends the men in white coats.

Ok, before getting all historical I should point out. I have recently realised how much of my life remains behind closed doors. Sure this blog delves, but at times it only scratches the surface. A recent conversation with Cadell highlighted this, and no matter how much I thought I was telling, it appeared there was so much more untold.
So historical time...
About 9-10 years ago I was having a conflicting time. You!? I hear you say! Yup simple little me. Once upon a time I was "popular" shall we say, and known by my nickname of 'Snazy', Google still bares the scars of that era lol. However, while digging deep one day, and starting to feel rather down, I realised no one really noticed a change in me. Then I started to see that 'Snazy' was a totally different person to Michael, and more of a crowd pleaser than a genuine person. It was all an act. So in an exercise to prove my point to a close friend, I asked her to contact 10 mutual people on MSN and ask them a simple question, "do you know Snazy's real name".... The replies were as shocking as I expected, and to her surprise maybe one of the ten got it right. (Remember this Kim?)

I think 'Snazy' died that night, or certainly in my mind he did. From that day on I promised myself it was all about ME and not about putting on fronts to make people happy. I guess to a degree I succeeded, and for a long time I have been very much one person. Until now anyway. Or maybe the past 2-3 years even. Either way, to me it is getting more and more noticeable.

The driving force behind the split is not as clear cut as before. It seems I need to be one person to deal with everything about mum, health etc. And I suppose my day to day life, dealing with work (speaking to them), coping with depression, and trying to stay as fully functioning as possible. While on the other side there is "me". What I would like to consider the real me. I will call this one Michael lol. As opposed to the serious, load baring, complex emotion filled guy, there is this far more simple side. Caring, fun loving, and a little bit stupid I guess.

Is there conflict between the two, is it hard to cope with? Well no, I don't think it is. But recent experiences have shown which side of me I resent so to speak. I don't regret being here for mum, not even the mental state it has put me in, but when I get the chance to be me for a while, I long to stay with my alter ego a little longer. Returning to normality gets harder and harder each time. Spending time away from the pressures of dealing with all of this is an absolute god send, and I love the company I get to keep during this time. But I know mum comes first, and ultimately I have a duty to carry out.

My hope is that one day I can just be one simple person again, and not be at constant battle with myself and my life to try and co-exist with myself.

Being so divided whilst being one person has all sorts of prices to pay. From social aspects, right through to making decisions. Working out how to deal with the work situation for example. Part of me has loyalty to the employer who has carried me for ten years. The other side is mad at myself for worrying about such things while mum is so ill. This is one of the reasons that I ended up on medication lol.

Right, my mind is playing a tug of war with all this, so I'm going to leave it there for now.

But I will close by saying this. If you read my blog regularly and sometime see conflicting statements. If there are obvious different writing styles, or if it just all seems a little hot and cold.... Welcome to the inner workings of my mind.... Messy isn't it!

Sent using BlackBerry®

No comments:

Post a Comment