So a couple of days ago mum quite aggressively asked for her cash card back so she could give it to my sister for her to do some shopping. On questioning why she didn't just ask me to get shopping as usual, she shot me down by saying that she was sick and tired of having to ask me to get her money out for when my sister bought her things. OK so that's that, there you go, cash card returned.
So then yesterday I got thinking, what are we doing about rent and bills etc, so I text my sister to ask her what was going to happen. I guess somewhere along the line I thought that giving me the card back for the bulk of the stuff and just giving her cash for shopping would have been easier. Once again I was wrong. I thought my sister would see the easier side of things, and realise it would be easier to do things as I suggested, but instead I got a reply saying in short, I wish I could do something to help, but it is what it is. In other words, I have control of the finances and will deal with it from now on. Suggesting I work out what is needed and she will pay me monthly. Great!
So it goes from being a fluid situation with me shopping when required, paying bills and balancing the accounts throughout the month, to a strict regimented routine where I now have to request payments of sometimes hundreds of pounds at a time and re-think the whole monthly financial situation! And this is all because mum felt bad having to ask me to get her twenty quid out of the bank here and there? Seriously!
Amongst all this, I'm not meant to take this personally, feel like I'm being pushed away, and just go on as if nothing has changed? Trust has been questioned in my eyes, and now I am honestly feeling like I'm having the piss taken out of me. Why the hell should I lay awake at night worrying about mums health, run around tidying up, keeping things safe and sterile for her, be there to let carers in, and do all the other stuff I do, if the fundamental basis of the whole relationship has not only just been questioned by her, but in fact been torn to shreds and then thrown in my face by her and my sister.
I just let the district nurse in, and wondered why I was doing it. If it were not for the dogs right now I would be so far away now its unreal. Angry, enraged, frustrated, confused, and hurt by how and why this has all happened like this.
When I was trying to talk to mum about it just now, she gave her reason of not wanting to ask for cash, and added that it was "one less thing for me to worry about". OK losing control of the purse strings for the household is LESS worry? Wtf! Hoping this was just temporary, I asked her if she wanted Paula taking care of all this now, to which she said yes. I then asked why this had come about and not been discussed prior to all the change, she didn't answer.
So I went on to say well I need to work out what's happening with bills etc each month. It seems little thought has gone into this, and like my sister she suggested I work it all out.
How the hell did something so simple go so out of control?
So now I'm left wondering, but actually too weak and afraid to ask, what my position here is now. Am I expected to keep getting up early, letting carers in, calling doctors, cleaning up after things, doing chores, taking her to appointments, collecting and sorting out her medication etc, or is my sister taking all this over too? Part of the benefits mum receives cover the costs of some of these things I do for mum, but again that is all now out of my control.
So here I am, trapped. Off work with anxiety and stress, struggling to function day to day, and have now just been punched in the stomach with this. Suddenly feeling un appreciated and taken for granted. Expectations that I will carry out the duties I do, while apparently not being trusted with the simple things and the day to day stuff like money.
If I'm not needed, then I would rather not be here at all right now, but at the same time I can't just leave the dogs. And putting them into kennels is going to be expensive.
My plan is to somehow afford the kennels for 5-7 days, then get the hell away from all of this for a while. A rest for me, some space to think, and if I'm honest some time for it to all sink into my mum and sisters head how day to day life really works. Of course the outcome will be me being the bad guy, abandoning his sick mother, not caring about her in her time of need. But right now, if I don't I am gonna end up locked away somewhere.
I used the word 'breakdown' for the first time yesterday, and that was not lightly or for effect. The way my mind was spinning, the confusion going on inside was and still is becoming over whelming for me right now. Options are limited, see the doctor and end up on more meds, carry on and end up falling apart, or trying to take time out for myself and try and cool things down a bit. Accept the new system, adapt to it and keep smiling while working through it.
Reality is, the last option is the only one that makes sense. But the time away is key to it all working. On return a new system can start to work, and I will work out what is required of me.
Ultimately this is still my mother, I realise this, so of course no matter how much confusion and frustration surges through me, I have a moral obligation here. But at the same time, I'm not willing to drive myself into the ground over this. Flexibility, common sense and some respect is also called for here. Is my sister ready to take on the full load, can she cope with the next round of appointments at the hospitals coming up, spend enough time at the house to make sure mum is well, morning, afternoon and evening?
I'm going nowhere with this now, and just repeating myself I guess, but I can't get out of this spiralling downwards feeling. Most things bother me for a bit, then I think, then I blog, then it cools off. But this is lingering now, it won't budge. Every time I try and talk it out I just hear something else that sucker punches me again, and the whole cycle starts over.
Time for a break now. Now just to find £100 or so to get the dogs in kennels. And I'm outta here!! Unless someone wants to dog sit them for a few days lol.
For the first time in ages there is no sigh or deep breath of relief at the end of this entry. Instead its still bobbing around in my head, who do I talk to, do I play hardball, do I confront my mum or sister? Who knows the answer, but you can be sure the outcome will appear here as an entry.
Thanks for reading.
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