What has brought this on? Well I think its a combination of things to be honest, all piling up slowly, and just now the final straw was added, and this camels back broke! This is the first weekend in a month I have spent at home, and while its not been that bad, its been a bite of reality, and has seemingly left a bitter taste behind. Having felt off colour for the latter part of the week, the thought of being at home, with no escape this weekend has probably only made things worse.
Money matters have slipped a little, with me letting things pile up, and not attending to them. That I am starting to get on top of now, so less of a worry, but has still contributed to things. Work preying on my mind too, with the up and coming meeting with them.
I guess from afar, looking inwards, the picture just looks wrong. There are so many things that don't fit, don't work, or just cause a lot of stress, when they really shouldn't. I want to fix that picture, and start making certain things work better, and work for me for once. Todays encounter with mum has sealed this desire. While totally unrelated to other matters, it highlights one major failing of mine... Selfishness... I need to try and be more selfish I think.
Constantly reaching out, trying to help, playing second fiddle to other peoples lives, then occasionally getting a glimpse of my own and realising how shockingly out of shape it can be at times. Its a pain in the arse, but I can't help wanting to help other people, but then when roles reverse something goes wrong. I don't think its the lack of willing from people to help, but more my rejection of such help. As discussed with my counsellor some time back, I think I believe I always have to be the alpha dog, the strong one, and never show weakness (other than in a blog eh) We discussed on a number of sessions, so its easier for me to identify now. But can I change? I really don't know.
Speaking of counsellors, that's another thing that has created this weeks problems. Not blaming her of course, but timing sucks. My first session in 3 weeks was cancelled due to her sickness. Right in the middle of one of the most fierce times of bad news and luck in my life. Can't be helped but that's the way the cookie crumbles eh. I could really do with that unattached sit down and chat right now. More an outpouring I think right now. That or a damn good cry! I would love one of those!
Then there is the final straw... Mum! That was always gonna be the way I guess. But again today she seems to have decided that I am the devil child, and at this point in time, as she wanders out of the kitchen without even looking at me, let alone speaking to me, she seems to have something to say, or something on her mind.
Earlier in a brief encounter, shortly after my sister had left from a visit, my mum asked very abruptly for her cash card back. I hold it for obvious reasons, like she can't get out of the house, and so I can do shopping etc for her. So its been the norm since Nov for me to carry it. Today she wants it back. Ok I thought, its hers, why not. But before doing so I quizzed was there a reason for it. She said my sister was going to do some shopping for her. OK I said, but I'm happy to get what you want if you just tell me what you want/need.
With that she snapped back that she was sick of asking for her own money. So at that I just gave her the damn thing back.
Sounds a little childish maybe on my behalf, but month to month I use both our accounts to balance the household books. As money comes in at different times, so different things are done with it. So its insulting to me, and a touch inconvenient. But its not about the request itself, its more about the wording and timing of the whole thing if I'm honest. I'm low, the insinuation of the situation is cutting and insulting to me I guess.
Petrol on its own isn't a fire, but today we have fuel, air and ignition... BOOM!
There are so many other little, and a few big things going on in my life right now, that even something as petty as this, probably no more than a misunderstanding can suddenly cut so deep.
Confusion about what I want from life, what direction I am heading in, satisfaction with what I already have. My wants and needs, and are they being met or compromised for an easy life. Am I selfless or selfish? I really can't tell these days.
So the thought of just running away from it all courses through my body and mind. The desire to put distance between me and all of this. Wrap up warm, hide away, and breathe for a while, at least until I can look at the situations rationally, be adult about it all, and set my chosen course into life's satnav.
I know this is probably a very confusing and conflicting read, comments without information can do that, but in my mind, as I write it, I feel like I am bearing my soul to the world. Revealing all and dropping my barriers. In the right context it all makes perfect sense, and I'm sure, in fact POSITIVE there are a few out there that understand this fully, and can honestly say, without you I would be a total mess right now.
Thank you for reading all of this. Now to go thru my little black book and see where I can run to on a Sunday night.
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