Wednesday, March 9, 2011

A leap of faith...

Or the next step of sheer stupidity? Just writing this alone kind of suggests the latter, however I am compelled to follow the advice of the professionals, rather than relying on guess work and suggestions from untrained individuals.

Yesterday I went to see my GP to review my situation, and the outcome was not good. Ok I should rephrase that, its not that anything has got worse, but the decision that I was hoping to hear, and work have been very keen to hear, did not happen. He has decided that I am still in no mental state to take on the responsibility of work, and decided to sign me off for a further six weeks. He was also keen to impress that the reason for signing me off was for anxiety and stress, and not so I can look after my mother. He feels that the reasoning has become blurred recently and wanted to make sure everyone involved knew why I was off and were not making their own reasons up.

I am sure that this is now going to have serious implications with work now. It has already been expressed that this can't go on, and that some commitment is needed from me to allow them to maintain a working relationship with me, which I think I understand fully, and of course appreciate their predicament. However I cannot just snap my fingers and make all the worry go away.

A couple of recent breaks from home have helped me see just how much I stress about things in day to day life. And an outburst at a neighbour the other day demonstrated to me just how fragile the balance with me really is right now.

I am not sure how I feel right now about matters. Knowing my full sick pay has run out, and drops to 50% now, feeling like people are conspiring against me (strong words I know) to uproot me from work, wondering what the next step is regarding work, will I be dismissed etc? And of course worrying about how I will cope if the dynamics should change so much and so quickly. Not exactly the sorts of things that make me feel any better, or help recovery from this all, but realities that need facing when I can.

Something tells me this whole thing is about to pick up speed in a whole new direction very soon. I just hope the world is ready for it.

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