Friday, March 4, 2011

A message from the heart

The past 24 hours have been a proper pain in the arse to say the least, with gauntlets laid down, irritations, and mental challenges all thrown in for good measure. Not really sure where to start on this one.

So the conversation with work yesterday, there is a starting point. Not exactly how I wanted things to go, but how I was expecting them to turn all the same. Its all getting a bit messy now, and having slept on the conversation for a night, I have to say I'm feeling a little cornered right now. I totally understand that its not a charity, and they can't just support me while I am off with the stresses of mum being ill. But at the same time, as much as I have tried, it is impossible for me to find the right words to convey to them how I am feeling right now. I think I will try a little later in this entry.

So currently I have a bitter taste in my mouth, and am back to being concerned about what is going to happen next.

Then there is mum. Past couple of days have seen a steady decline in her condition, now becoming very weak and shaky. Thankfully I have to day (I think), for once its not due to her neglecting herself. Her food intake is as good as it can be, she is drinking much better than before, and taking her tablets like a good girl. But the simple fact is, she is just not improving this time around. Her weightloss is noticeable now in her arms and legs too.

She has not really been out of bed much in the past 72 hours, just toilet and ciggy breaks. But even those are now short and quick. Rarely venturing to the kitchen for food or drink. So I am spending much more time popping into see her and check all is well. When I went to see her before the carer arrived this morning she was laying there gasping for a drink but didn't want to bother me by asking. Lol I really can't find a balance here, is it just me being awkward?

So, what else is there? Oh well there is my intake of food, that's taken a bit of a battering in the past 48 hours too, slowly recovering from that, but feeling heavy and slow right now. Might try and walk the dogs an extra time today just to get motivated again, and get some time out from being stuck indoors on a sunny day.

Rent, that's just gone up a fiver a week. Just what I needed, just as I'm cutting back and prices go up, just my luck.

One thing times like this DO do well are show you how lucky or unlucky as the case may be regarding your choice of friends and company. Me, well it appears I chose well, and am also blessed with an amazing group of friends and "supporters" (helpers not fans lol). From bouncing ideas off, to helping with practical things with mum and life in general. From just chatting casually to at all random hours of day and night, to deep meaningful conversations, with exchanges of emotion and sentiment. Being able to do all of these things is an amazing gift, and something I feel truly blessed for. So to all of you, if you just read my babbling on here, or if you contribute to conversations. In fact anything you do relating to my life.... Thank you, I'm blessed to have you.

Ok, from a rant to a ramble...
This is an attempt at a "from the heart" segment for once. Ok the whole blog is from the heart, but I'm digging deep here.....
I want to take a moment to reflect, clarify and share with you what my heart and mind are feeling and doing right now. These are emotions and feelings that I try to suppress in order to keep functioning, but at times like this I feel I need to acknowledge them.
Every day I wake up in the knowledge that the closest living person to me is slipping away. Slowly, and in pain, her time with me, our shared life together becomes shorter and shorter. No-one can say how much time we have left together, like waiting for a train to arrive at a lonely desolate station, time has no bearing on the matter. The only thing we know for sure is it will arrive eventually. So we treat each moment like the last, and make precious memories for me to carry forwards with me.

But in amongst all this pure heartfelt emotion, there is confusion. While we are related at the closest possible level, I have to behave like a professional individual with no emotional investment in the "patient". Acting as an almost sole carer, I have to be her friend, her supporter, and at times her worst enemy. All in order to try and make the best decisions I can for her health and well being. Whilst at the same time respecting her wishes that I am all too familiar with. And it is this role I play that I feel I have yet to explain. I have never yet found the right words to convey the emotions invoked by playing this solitary role.
Isolation, hatred, exclusion to name but a few, these are the emotions that I deal with over the course of a week. Calling doctors out against her will, only to be moaned at but never thanked once she feels better. Sourcing and preparing food for her, never the right thing, never what she wants, and always making her feel sick, yet never being acknowledged for keeping her alive. Making arrangements for treatment, help and conversing with the hospice, care agency etc to make changes to suit her need. However always managing to be the one to blame for everything that happens, and being responsible for every persons actions.

Self pity I hear you say, and to a degree you are probably right, but somehow I can't help but feel there is imbalance there too. How can someone with so much emotional investment possibly play such a role? I know there are thousands in the same situation as me, and I don't claim to be in any way unique, but instead I am writing this to reach out and to empathise with those going through it, as well as trying to explain to anyone and everyone around me, what I am going through.
Have I not been myself, have I forgotten to say thank you or show I care about you. If so, I am sorry, and know that I take nothing for granted. Each word spoken, each thought shared, every act of physical contact is all appreciated, and noted. So I take this moment to say to you all, yet with true sincerity, thank you for being who you are, and helping me along this journey. Together we are all caring for my mum, and without your support I would be useless.

But please don't leave my side right now, as the journey is not over. Confusion, distress, and a whole pool of emotion and stress lays ahead of me. Share with me your thoughts too, so I can help you as you help me, so I can support you in your time of need. As my duty as a friend, and as a distraction from my own reality, I always have time to care for and share with others.

My mind is in turmoil yet my face and spoken words say otherwise. So please take this message as the complete truth, and an insight into the deepest most secret parts of my heart.

Thank you for reading all this, I know its gone on, but as I have written, I have felt stress draining from me, and my thoughts have cleared a little.

Some difficult choice lay ahead, but with this new found clarity, I know I can make the right decisions. People may be upset by them, but I will stand by my decisions with the full confidence that I made them in sound mind.

Without you, there would be only an empty me. Thank you for defining me.

Sent using BlackBerry®


  1. Writing out your feelings always helps to clarify a situation and will help keep you focused.

  2. To a dear friend who has always been there for me when i needed help or a moan!
    Your blog todays has bought several tears to my eyes and i only hope you continue the way you are now, and for the rest of your life! You are truly an amazing person/friend and WE in fact are lucky to have someone like you in our lives.

  3. Cheers Naruto, agree totally, hence my blog is so big.
    Awww Gina, thank you and sorry for the tears,, was not my intention.
    I try, that's all I can really say. I don't think I do anything special, but am grateful people think I do.
    Mwah, and thank you both for sharing my emotions.

  4. Thank you, that is a very special post.

  5. Thank YOU Amber, you are a special person :)
    See you soon I hope

  6. (Copied from Buzz) Not much to say (for once?) but I think you have been your Mums rock through all of this and reading up on your blogs and our chats it seems you have been an invaluable friend / son / supporter to her and you are probably responsible for the fact she is still with you right now.
    Adding to this the friendship and support you have given to those around you while dealing with this massive task and being there for all at any time shows true heart and strength of character. Not normally one for the mushy stuff but big (man) hug and punch on the shoulder. (Looks like I had more to say than I thought once I got started).

    Jason :o)

  7. Aww hug back Jason. You have been one of the people who has always been there, and for that I am thankful.
    I like to think i do right by her.
    Thank you for your words and taking the time to read it lol

  8. I read that post and had to share it with my partner who also appreciated it. It's so full of emotion yet so concise - you definitely have a way with words. You are in an impossible role at the mintue but you seem to be doing a fantastic job at it! Just take baby steps.

    Lisa :-)

  9. Cheers Lisa, and than you for sharing it too.
    I like to try and choose my words carefully, that way it feels like i am actually sharing, rather than just writing aimlessly. If that makes sense?

    Starting to consider a diary styled book regarding all of this, and think it would make a good, helpful and almost therapeutic read. But should really finish my other book project first.

    Baby steps all the way for me for sure.

    Thank you for reading

  10. I think a diary style book woud be brilliant for you to do. Your writing certainly is therapeutic to read so I think it would be helpful. Thankyou for sharing your journey with us. I won't say I hope all is well at home as obviously it's not, but I hope it's steady.

    Lisa x

  11. Cheers Lisa, I am giving it serious consideration to do, my other book seems t have hit a nerve with a few so I'm sure something like this would do the same.
    I'm glad you find the writing style easy.