So the conversation with work yesterday, there is a starting point. Not exactly how I wanted things to go, but how I was expecting them to turn all the same. Its all getting a bit messy now, and having slept on the conversation for a night, I have to say I'm feeling a little cornered right now. I totally understand that its not a charity, and they can't just support me while I am off with the stresses of mum being ill. But at the same time, as much as I have tried, it is impossible for me to find the right words to convey to them how I am feeling right now. I think I will try a little later in this entry.
So currently I have a bitter taste in my mouth, and am back to being concerned about what is going to happen next.
Then there is mum. Past couple of days have seen a steady decline in her condition, now becoming very weak and shaky. Thankfully I have to day (I think), for once its not due to her neglecting herself. Her food intake is as good as it can be, she is drinking much better than before, and taking her tablets like a good girl. But the simple fact is, she is just not improving this time around. Her weightloss is noticeable now in her arms and legs too.
She has not really been out of bed much in the past 72 hours, just toilet and ciggy breaks. But even those are now short and quick. Rarely venturing to the kitchen for food or drink. So I am spending much more time popping into see her and check all is well. When I went to see her before the carer arrived this morning she was laying there gasping for a drink but didn't want to bother me by asking. Lol I really can't find a balance here, is it just me being awkward?
So, what else is there? Oh well there is my intake of food, that's taken a bit of a battering in the past 48 hours too, slowly recovering from that, but feeling heavy and slow right now. Might try and walk the dogs an extra time today just to get motivated again, and get some time out from being stuck indoors on a sunny day.
Rent, that's just gone up a fiver a week. Just what I needed, just as I'm cutting back and prices go up, just my luck.
One thing times like this DO do well are show you how lucky or unlucky as the case may be regarding your choice of friends and company. Me, well it appears I chose well, and am also blessed with an amazing group of friends and "supporters" (helpers not fans lol). From bouncing ideas off, to helping with practical things with mum and life in general. From just chatting casually to at all random hours of day and night, to deep meaningful conversations, with exchanges of emotion and sentiment. Being able to do all of these things is an amazing gift, and something I feel truly blessed for. So to all of you, if you just read my babbling on here, or if you contribute to conversations. In fact anything you do relating to my life.... Thank you, I'm blessed to have you.
Ok, from a rant to a ramble...
This is an attempt at a "from the heart" segment for once. Ok the whole blog is from the heart, but I'm digging deep here.....
I want to take a moment to reflect, clarify and share with you what my heart and mind are feeling and doing right now. These are emotions and feelings that I try to suppress in order to keep functioning, but at times like this I feel I need to acknowledge them.
Every day I wake up in the knowledge that the closest living person to me is slipping away. Slowly, and in pain, her time with me, our shared life together becomes shorter and shorter. No-one can say how much time we have left together, like waiting for a train to arrive at a lonely desolate station, time has no bearing on the matter. The only thing we know for sure is it will arrive eventually. So we treat each moment like the last, and make precious memories for me to carry forwards with me.
But in amongst all this pure heartfelt emotion, there is confusion. While we are related at the closest possible level, I have to behave like a professional individual with no emotional investment in the "patient". Acting as an almost sole carer, I have to be her friend, her supporter, and at times her worst enemy. All in order to try and make the best decisions I can for her health and well being. Whilst at the same time respecting her wishes that I am all too familiar with. And it is this role I play that I feel I have yet to explain. I have never yet found the right words to convey the emotions invoked by playing this solitary role.
Isolation, hatred, exclusion to name but a few, these are the emotions that I deal with over the course of a week. Calling doctors out against her will, only to be moaned at but never thanked once she feels better. Sourcing and preparing food for her, never the right thing, never what she wants, and always making her feel sick, yet never being acknowledged for keeping her alive. Making arrangements for treatment, help and conversing with the hospice, care agency etc to make changes to suit her need. However always managing to be the one to blame for everything that happens, and being responsible for every persons actions.
Self pity I hear you say, and to a degree you are probably right, but somehow I can't help but feel there is imbalance there too. How can someone with so much emotional investment possibly play such a role? I know there are thousands in the same situation as me, and I don't claim to be in any way unique, but instead I am writing this to reach out and to empathise with those going through it, as well as trying to explain to anyone and everyone around me, what I am going through.
Have I not been myself, have I forgotten to say thank you or show I care about you. If so, I am sorry, and know that I take nothing for granted. Each word spoken, each thought shared, every act of physical contact is all appreciated, and noted. So I take this moment to say to you all, yet with true sincerity, thank you for being who you are, and helping me along this journey. Together we are all caring for my mum, and without your support I would be useless.
But please don't leave my side right now, as the journey is not over. Confusion, distress, and a whole pool of emotion and stress lays ahead of me. Share with me your thoughts too, so I can help you as you help me, so I can support you in your time of need. As my duty as a friend, and as a distraction from my own reality, I always have time to care for and share with others.
My mind is in turmoil yet my face and spoken words say otherwise. So please take this message as the complete truth, and an insight into the deepest most secret parts of my heart.
Thank you for reading all this, I know its gone on, but as I have written, I have felt stress draining from me, and my thoughts have cleared a little.
Some difficult choice lay ahead, but with this new found clarity, I know I can make the right decisions. People may be upset by them, but I will stand by my decisions with the full confidence that I made them in sound mind.
Without you, there would be only an empty me. Thank you for defining me.
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