We are all familiar with last will and testaments, but too often these are short formal documents that do nothing really than cause arguments and tension, and relate only to money and possessions. But what about your true final words, your secrets. The things you dared not utter until there was no consequence. Or could just never say to the said person.
Some of you will read this and say "I know exactly what you mean" and others will simply thing "wtf". So allow me to explain what I really mean.
In life we encounter many people, we get to know all sorts of people on so many levels. Some we grow close to and let them into our hearts, others we tread carefully with, damage limitation or a safe arms length is as close as they will ever get to us. Ultimately there is only a small select few that will ever share our full life, and know on our death bed everything there is to know. No hidden feelings, no secret emotions etc.
This for some people leaves a wide scope of people who will never know something we have wanted to tell them. It could be "I broke the window that you got the blame for when I was 8" or it could be something deeper, more passionate and emotive. Undeclared feelings, "I love you" or something else that a person could treasure knowing for the rest of their lives.
Problem is, does a married man dare declare his undying love for an ex, does someone in a relationship risk all to tell their old class mate that they were always the one in their heart, and so on.
Admission of guilt is one thing, coming clean, clearing the air and making amends is of course important, but we have ways of forgiving people for such trivial wrongdoings as breaking a window, nicking a fiver, or seeking out when you told your friend you were too ill to see them. However the emotional part is the awkward one. So few people are capable, let alone willing to express their emotions explosively, and truthfully. Many people carry a torch for someone in their past, but never admit to it. Not that knowing the truth would change the course of history for either person, but as a parting gift, leaving a piece of your heart is amazing.
Just before John Littlebury died we had a long heart to heart on the phone, apologies made from both sides for the distance that had grown between us, memories revisited, and common ground remembered, reminding us why our friendship was over 30 years old. On hearing he had passed I was naturally sad, but for the first time in losing a friend I also felt at peace with him, and him with me. I didn't feel anything was unfinished or unsaid, and having that knowledge really made such a difference to letting someone go so suddenly.
So I ponder my own fate, and think of all the things that circumstance has prevented me from saying. Thousands of things rush to the front of my mind when I think like this, many too trivial to cover off, but if time allowed me I would love to record as much as I possibly could, so that when my day comes, my friends and loved one can hear from me my favourite times shared with them, and if anything is left unsaid, that will be the time for me to wrap that up.
I don't think I have ever not told someone I love how I feel. But the reminders are important to. Knowing that love was there is nice, but to know you died with that emotion still glowing within is priceless to some.
So now I am left wondering how I write and maintain my parting words. I'm not planning on going anywhere soon, but time is a bitch and waits for no man. I have seen too many now, all young, just taken away in the blink of an eye, and wonder how many people never knew something that the person had carried with them for years, never finding the time or the words to share it.
I guess this is for me to work out how to do, and I'm sure I will be open about its existence when I start it. But to make sure everyone knows my thoughts and feelings about them today, until my final day is dear to me, and something I will do for sure.
So I ask you this.... Think carefully now. Does every person in your life, past and and present know their place in your life. Know how you feel and care about them. Have you managed to tell everyone you love that you love them, or thank them for their contributions to your life, regardless of how small. Imagine an oscar acceptance speech, a short window of time to think and thank as many as you can. Why rush, why leave anyone out, when you can write a journal, an email, a letter or a simple text file where you can direct someone to after your passing.
Leave everyone a gift, a sentiment, and your unspoken words. Leave them a piece of you to carry for eternity.
Thank you for reading.
RIP to all my friends I have lost already. Thank you all for your rich contributions to my life.
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