Thursday, March 10, 2011

Drugs rock!

Chemical or metaphoric, both make one hell of a difference. But there is a price to be paid for either. I have been taking an anti depressant for a few months now, and all seemed under control, days were somewhat more bearable, and the stress levels felt under control. But the price for using these is that the mind becomes a little numb. The best example of what I mean is writing this. Yesterday and days previous my heart and mind spoke clearly, and writing just flowed, but today, its foggy, and finding the right words is more of an effort. (Might be noticable just from reading, I don't know)

Then there is the other kind of 'drug'. Drug being a metaphor for something else, or someone else. Replacing the chemicals in the drugs with something else which causes the same effect is a positive thing for sure. The drugs I use assist with the release of Serotonin in the brain. The stuff that makes you happy and relaxed. But if you can find an escape from what is bringing you down, then maybe, just maybe the brain can produce this on its own. And it has been.

So managing to escape the daily grind a few times recently, it has been refreshing to say the least. But the result of this was such a natural high, I took a chance and stopped taking the medication. And all was well. Well in past tense you may notice. You see the problem is, its all very well having a replacement 'drug', but if there is a break in the supply, then its not really sensible to swap over. Feeling this good naturally, I won't deny it has been a great feeling, but at the end of the day, popping a pill out of a packet daily, to protect yourself from bombing out and crashing to the ground is the safer and easier option.

So the upsides to pills are its easy to take, regular, and effective. And the upsides to the alternative... Well its natural, allows clarity, and feels fantastic. But there are downsides too. Pills make my mind foggy, leave you not knowing what a good and bad day really feel like, and dependency becomes a worry. The downsides to the alternative, well addiction is definatly the biggest problem there, and the problem that causes is lack of supply. Without the escape there is no good feeling, and with no good feeling comes the inevitable crash... Which happened last night.

After a conflicting day, with no upper so to speak, by the evening with more and more stress building, I reached sulking point. And I mean that quite literally. The point where my mind doesn't want to bother trying anymore, and suddenly I physically feel myself going inward. Backing away from anything. It was feeling like that, and remembering why I use the meds that has been the lesson for me.

Yesterday I felt the same way I have felt for months previous to starting the pills, but thankfully for just one evening. Its almost like peering into someone elses life, and feeling their despair and helplessness, then with the click of your heals, being able to escape it all back to relative safety.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to my "self pity call" last night and get me back in the safe place.

Today, I shall try harder.

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