Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Going on the record re L&Q

First up I want to say that this is NOT a dig at L&Q, not for one second.
Over the years since taking over from Lewisham Homes, for me at least, they have done a sterling job of taking care of business.
OK there was the issue with the bathroom taking a little longer than expected to deal with, but other than that. A few hiccups, some no show contractors from time to time, but really nothing to cry about (apart from the bathroom, did I already say that?)

So, a few years back (2010) the driveway was resurfaced. I use this term loosely as the driveway was actually covered over with a good few inches of concrete. During the laying of the driveway, in Dec 2010 we had heavy snow and freezing temperatures, which sadly had an effect on the way the work ended up. Now i'm not saying it is not an improvement on the old drive, it is. But what I have said to L&Q all along is, the finished result was not what I would personally sign off on and agree to pay a contractor for.

Sweep it on a dry day and you can sweep away layers and layers of powdered concrete, walk on it on a wet day and you will slip on the exposed stones. As one of my neighbours did a few years back, breaking her ankle in the process. This was what drove me to contact L&Q again about the condition. The fact it has deteriorated this much in this short space of time, and someone has already slipped on it. Thats not to mention the dust and stones kicking about the place.

Well today the results are in, and after provisionally agreeing it needed repairing, the new surveyor has made the decision that NO work is needed on the driveway and it should remain as it is.

I am fine with this decision, and accept it with no challenges whatsoever. However....
Should anyone have any form of accident in the coming years relating to the condition of the surface of the driveway..... I WILL say I told you so.

So for now, its back to sweeping the drive carefully of leaves and snow when they cover it, in case I sweep the drive away, and looking out for fallen neighbours over the winter as the colder weather makes it even more slippery.

As for the rest of the work being done on the house. Thank you L&Q for looking after us so well. I am more than happy with it all, just bad call on the driveway. In my untrained opinion of course.

Work in progress in Dec 2010 (before the snow stopped play)
The whole area was laid with hand mixed concrete.. The house up the road had it delivered on a mixer for the same contractors working for L&Q. Clearly learned from this mistake. Theirs is fine by the way.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Struggles with emotions

For years now I have been perceived in many different ways,  from warm and caring,  to cold and callous. I see myself somewhere in the middle,  while I care about  things that are important to me,  I am somehow able to override or switch off from other emotions.

It seems the closer something or someone is to me,  the more I am able to ignore or at least mask my feelings about it.

Over the years friends and family have become ill or died suddenly,  yet I recall only ever crying once. When Adam died.  The first person I had ever spent a lot of time with,  dying. It was a bit of a shock to the system,  but passed quickly. Previously to that my aunt had passed after a short illness, and while I was openly saddened by it,  I somehow felt peace from knowing she wasn't hurting anymore.

But as the years have gone by,  I recall crying very little,  even about some rather traumatic times I have experienced. Is it normal not to cry,  is it strong or weak to cry? Everyone has a different answer.

Personally I have no shame or fear of the emotion,  and from past recollections,  I remember feeling relieved and exhausted by the experience,  but at the same time satisfied. So not being able to have a release when going through a tough time can really suck at times.

I have noticed over the past few years that I get choked up quite easily now,  emotional stories,  tear jerking films,  or even moments which get the heart racing and adrenaline pumping around the body,  the throat tightens,  the eyes water,  but it's far from crying.

Over a space of 4-5 years I have lost a lot of people very close and dear to me. When family you have known your whole life slowly slip away from you,  you expect  the mind and body to need a release,  turn a page,  start fresh,  cleanse the soul and all that.  But for some reason,  for me,  nothing! All just matter of fact,  all just par for the course.

So great has my concern grown at times about this,  I have actually sought counselling in the past,  to talk through my feelings and see if there is either a trigger I'm missing,  or a blockage in my mind stopping me letting go.  Something  from  my past which makes me fear crying,  but there isn't.

My only thought on the matter is that I have had a bit of a tough life in younger years,  learned to be a bit of a loner due to things which have happened,  and somehow shut down the part that shows weakness and sorrow.  I can express it verbally,  I can rationalise death so clearly,  but just can't rally up the physical emotion.

It's a strange feeling,  a horrible feeling,  emotional constipation to be blunt.  While I know there are people who think they are weak or silly to cry,  people who mock crying,  I can only envy those people who can actually tap in,  and let go.

I have never grieved,  rarely expressed emotion over any kind of break ups or partings of friends,  and look on helplessly as others around me express their emotion on a common subject.

This isn't a strength,  I know that for sure.  And while it makes me a strong character,  someone who can be relied on at a time of distress or upset,  it is a weakness in the same breath.  As you look  to me to help you cope,  as I hold you your hand and tell you it will be ok and to let it all out.  Deep inside I envy you and wish we could swap for just one minute,  and you could help me dig deep within my soul and open it up.

Not sure where this blog has come from,  guess it's like the lava of a volcano bubbling away under the surface.  It may never erupt,  it may never be seen,  but somewhere in the depths of me it a boiling pot of emotions.....

Thanks for reading.