Tuesday, October 30, 2012


Ever had that moment when you realise you no longer want to associate yourself with something or someone.
A long term affiliation with this thing or person, but suddenly you see this for what it is and decide enough is enough.

I guess we all do it throughout our lives without even thinking about it. But what brings it to the front of my mind now is sitting opposite someone on the train. Someone I went to school with. Now its nothing personal to him, but more just the whole school experience. Once it was over with there were very few people I wanted anything further to do with.

It was never a fun part of my life, and the second I left primary school I cut all ties with everyone. Only re attaching one thread later in life with one Paul Jefferies.

This has got me thinking though, about those 'turn away' moments, when you see someone that might start a conversation, someone you haven't seen for years, and with a moment to decide you think hell no!

There is an almost endless list of people who I am happy just to dis associate with in a heart beat, some I have, some I would love to. Does this make me a little arrogant and pretentious? Well if it does, sod it, I will take the names nd titles with happiness.

Truth is, over the years I have become better and better at selecting who I socialise with, and who I allow into my inner circles, and if there is no place for you, I will tolerate you, but honestly, I will turn away the second I get the chance... #JustSayin

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Monday, October 29, 2012

Tough decisions

Have you ever got involved in something for all the right reasons, with the right intentions, but come out of it losing out big time.
I don't mean financially, I meant mentally and emotionally.

Sometimes we commit ourselves to something that we feel strongly about. Our intentions are just to help a situation to the right outcome, so all parties are 'happy' so speak with how things go, and no one is left out in the cold.

Sadly, regardless of your input on something, and no matter how hard you try, things don't go the way you had hoped, and before you know it the world is falling apart around you.
Not only are things not going for others as you had hoped, but the negativity from the whole situation affects how WE perform and behave, and suddenly things are spiralling out of control.

Well you have heard the expression once bitten twice shy..... On this occasion I find this being the right attitude, and presented with a similar situation all over again, this time I choose the selfish path. The one where me and the main focus are cared for, and the feelings and involvement of others takes second place.

In fact the more distance between the 2 things the better. I maintain focus, I remain committed, and most importantly sane!

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Friday, October 26, 2012

That heart stopping moment

The late night phone call from someone who is caring for an elderly relative. What could they possibly have to say to you at this time of night?
Well last night was my moment, with Chris, my aunts carer calling me at after 10.30 at night. First the home phone rung, and I ignored it, having had numerous PPI calls at all sorts of hours. Then the mobile went too.
Looking down and seeing 'Chris (Joan)' my heart stopped.

Walking to the kitchen to take the call, my worry was soon put to rest, with Chris saying she had not realised the time before calling, and was sorry to call so late..... Phew!

It wasn't all good news though, Chris is always forthcoming with updates, and this was no different. Joan is now having problems with her shoulder. The doctor has diagnosed a frozen shoulder, but the treatments are not doing much for it. Combined with Joan's similar attitude to meds and treatment as mum had, she is an awkward patient. Not wanting stronger pain killers, or treatment injections, but eventually agreeing to try both.

Chris reports that Joan is in considerable discomfort with her shoulder, and even the anaesthetic in the steroid injection not giving much relief to the pain.

Obviously the thought has to cross your mind that maybe this is a spread of the bone cancer into a little used joint. Now this is just guessing, and you have to take the doctors diagnosis at face value. However Chris also reports that Joan is losing weight quite quickly now, and on and off her food.

While there is no immediate call for me to visit, obviously I don't want to miss a second, so am really keen to show my face there again some time soon, just so she knows I care as much as I said from the outset, and I keep my word that I'm there for each twist and turn.

This news combined with the news of the new lumps, and the slowing/stopping of the effectiveness of the meds she was on, it is only natural to fear the worst is coming at some point. But that said, she is like mum with her fight being non stop, and hanging in there forever. Its been a couple of years since she was first diagnosed with a tough fight ahead. I bet the cancer wasn't expecting a fight like this. Go Auntie Joan :)

So that's my heart stopper for the day.

Back to normality for me today, or at least that's the plan. Time will tell.

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Thursday, October 25, 2012

Off the grid


After a really shit start to the day, and a pretty crappy days prior to this, I decided to pull the plug on my ‘social’ activities for the day, well at least today, maybe longer. I didn’t see the point in pretending to be socialble when I really don’t feel it.

So off has gone the data connection on my Blackberry, signed out of Twitter, Facebook deactivated, headphones in, David Guetta live session on, and blank out the world for the time being.


Not quite sure why im feeling like this right now, nothing majorly up with me, just pretty fed up and tired and could really do with a break. However getting time off work at the moment is impossible due to shortages of staff, sickness, and holidays being booked up. Seems every time I try and get some time off there is something stopping it happen.


Just sick and tired of being in the office now, lies, loud voices, and bad habits all really grinding me down now. I have expressed my desperation to the boss about some time off, and can only hope that the break comes before the explosion from within. I am coming pretty close to it right now I have to tell you. Just need a day or two to chill out, relax and do my own thing, then after that hopefully I will return to normal. That or medication!


So if you have tried to get in touch with anything other than good old fashioned SMS or voice call, im afraid you will be out of luck.


How long will this last, I dont know, but I have to say in a strange way its actually quite enjoyable.


Me...... out!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Where's your head at?

Been a little bit off the mark recently, and a little off my usual rhythm. Not quite sure what's going on, winter blues maybe. But the truth is nothing is really up as such.

Seems that I just miss my cues on my day to day life, and once you are out of sync, the day can just crumble. Yesterday was a good example of this with a really crappy start to the day. Thankfully by the end of it I was back on form. A little music in my ears, and a few good decisions made the day a bit more bareable.

So what do I need to do moving forwards now to keep me sane. Well I think the key is adapting to winter time, knowing its damp out, realising the dogs are going to get wet on walks and being prepared for that, and probably the biggest problem for me right now is keeping the beast caged.

The beast being the animal inside that wants to escape during training. The same beast that keeps allowing me to push a little too hard and end up with small training injuries like I have now.

Quite simply, if my day doesn't begin with intense physical activity, I run the risk of it turning into a pretty shitty day. Energy building up inside just leads to frustration, impatience, and anxiety.

Here's to a good day for all, maybe even me.

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Monday, October 15, 2012

Virgin Media SuperHub

Aka a frickin pile of junk. Dropped connections, refusals to connect, takes forever to connect. What else can I tell you.

Disappointed beyond belief, and right now super fuckin pissed off and fed up with this pile of junk. With its blue light flashing all bloody day and night, I mean I know it has to, so you know its working and all that.... Oh hold on, that's right ITS NOT WORKING, its just pretending to!

The old one, was lovely, connected fast, rare issues, perfection, and not covered in more lights than Oxford St at Xmas.

But this, oh no, this is just utter utter total complete rubbish.

I shall call Virgin Media in the morning and see what they want to do about it. Til then I will use my 3G signal through Orange (EE) and forget I am even paying for this crappy thing.

Sent via Blackberry®

Friday, October 12, 2012

Greetings from the bath.

I took the day off work today, to get a few things done, to unwind a little, and just to be a little bit lazy if I'm honest.

As I lay in bed, contemplating getting up, I thought what better way to start a cold, windy day, than in a hot bath, so here I am. I have to say though, with the building nextdoor progressing, I am slightly put off the relaxation of my bath, by builders walking past my bathroom window all the time. But hey, I got my Blackberry, what other distraction do I need.

So how about some updates from me, its been a while hasn't it!
House... Well the bathroom is still awaiting repairs, however that's progressing rapidly now following my complaint to the top.
The trees outside have finally been operated on, and are looking much better, daylight returns. Thankfully there is no noticeable movement from the walls anymore, so I'm guessing nextdoor is finally rock solid.

Work, well work is work, 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, always battling against the turning tide so to speak, but I haven't given up on my pursuit of that little something extra.

Health wise I can't moan, since I started training, ailments have been few and far between, other than occasional gout. Speaking of training, that's still going well, still doing P90X. Aching daily, so I'm doing something right.

As for other stuff. Well, I was very happy yesterday to make the (virtual) acquaintance of a young lady with thinking rather similar to my own. My ethos on life isn't so unique after all, but that's not a bad thing. Just means I'm not quite as bonkers as I first thought. Or if I am, I'm not alone in being totally bonkers. We have named our life ethos 'Twittonian' lol. Just thought I would put that word out there, and lay claim to it.

Its always nice to speak to like-minded people, just because it makes you realise you are not uncaring or callous, not mean and selfish, but instead realistic about things.

As winter draws in now, and dark days bring with them dark moods, I'm sure it will all be kept going by some colourful blog entries from me. This year for the first time I head towards my dreaded 3 months almost stress free. Hopefully things won't change in the coming weeks and months, and I can sail towards Dec-Feb with a smile rather than a grimace. Time will tell I guess.

Right, I'm getting sweaty hands now and don't wanna drop my phone in the bath, it might take and tweet embarrassing pictures or something, so that's me done.

Have a great day and weekend.

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Friday, October 5, 2012

Decisions decisions

Yesterday while watching social feeds of all sorts, an opportunity came up that has shown its face before. A change of direction for me, or at least an opportunity to apply for one.

This isn't to say that my driving ambition has passed, I'm still keen to qualify. But this other chance has always appealed to me. Steps things up a peg or two, gets be fresh challenges, and interests me.

Either way, its only a slim chance I'm even allowed to apply, let alone get an interview, pass and get the job. Time will tell.

Just wanted to tell y'all :)

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