A little while later.

Well it's been a couple of weeks since starting meds for the depression and anxiety,  and some things have changed.
I would love to say they have changed for the better,  but that's not really the case.  I have gone from fretting too much at night and not being able to settle,  to feeling sleepy the second I stop being active,  and sleeping in later and later in the mornings.

Also in addition there is weird dreams and borderline paranoia after a bad dream. The other night I was almost too scared to go and get a glass of water after a bad dream,  and spent the next hour laying there translating every noise into something bad. Given there are 2 dogs in the hallway,  it's pretty safe,  but also lots of bumps and bangs.

Another new thing is feeling anxious in crowded spaces. Not big reactions but after the last train journey and staring at the floor,  today I found myself on a packed train on the way to Guy's Hospital,  and realised after a few stops that I was clenching my jaw pretty hard. As well as still not feeling comfortable looking at anyone.

Certain things feel a little more relaxed,  but I am still losing focus mid flow,  impossible to concentrate,  and avoid tasks that are not very straightforward. For example rearranging something. The first part is fine,  but knowing that other jobs will spring up from it,  and knowing I can't focus to get them done stresses me to the point of avoiding it all together.

In order to stay awake I am keeping myself moving still. Finding myself going on late evening walks to get some air,  clear my head and stop myself either over thinking or falling asleep. The second I'm active I'm wide awake,  be it cross trainer or outdoors,  as long as the brain disengages,  I'm awake. If I start thinking,  the eyes grow heavy, fast!

Right now I am once again working out how I am going to explain this to the doctor tomorrow when I see her (and the students) I can't say for sure the meds are working,  certainly hasn't had the same effect as last time,  that's for sure. Totally different. So maybe the issue is different,  the dose is too low,  or something has changed.  Time will tell I guess.

Still can't get my head around how I can be so comfortable one minute with certain company,  and then freeze up and freak out at even the thought of others.

I do know I want a good night's sleep soon,  and to wake fresh. I know I want to be able to get up and go as I have in the past,  and I want the fog to clear from inside my head too.

One last thing,  I have had the letter from the nicely named Psychological Therapy dept and have confirmed my wish to enter the program. Now I just want the first appointment to be soon so I can start to work my way through this,  without having to unload all my thoughts onto innocent victims like Nikki. Thanks for putting up with me the other day.
Fingers crossed the wait for the appointment won't be too long now.
Naturally my over thinking mind is worried they haven't got my confirmation,  so that's helping! HURRY!

Aaah well,  tomorrow is another day,  and I get to see the doc. Now let's see if I can get to sleep tonight without laying there trying to work out how to explain myself all night.

Thanks to those who continue to offer genuine support.