Self destruction.

The past 24 hours have been confusing to say the least. A monsoon of things to deal with,  understand, and come to terms with. Some of which still leave me rather uneasy. 

Finding things that I am comfortable with has been a struggle of late,  so when sanctity is found,  it is truly precious and should be protected at all cost. 

None the less some things are just clean out of your control,  and when they get confusing,  for me the only solution is escape. Run,  hide,  ignore the world. Having not trusted too many people in my life,  confiding in someone is something I find hard to do. Ironic then that I instead share with the internet instead. But to me it is like having a conversation with myself. 

Trapped in my own head,  under attack from my own thoughts,  the only escape from myself is stay busy. Today has been a challenge for me,  trying not to give myself a moment to think. I would like to say I have succeeded,  but I have failed miserably. So instead I turned to keeping active. Clocking up about seven and a half hours of activity,  24 miles on my feet and a further nine miles on the bike,  it's been a busy one. 

At the beginning of this bout of anxiety I started over doing it,  trying to stay sane,  by staying moving. After a brief recovery from that,  today I started over again. All my mind can think about right now is keeping at it. Self destruction at its finest. My legs are in pain,  my body exhausted,  as a bowl of coco pops to provide the energy for all that probably isn't enough. 

Maybe my mind will be calmer tomorrow,  maybe I will wake wanting to exceed today. Hopefully I can kerb it soon. 

I get the impression the desire to make changes in my life is probably the driving factor to all this,  but there are right and wrong ways to do these things. I want to do it the right way,  but have a nagging feeling about this.