Rolling with the punches

Sometimes you are never going to achieve what you set out to,  and have to accept that it will never be the reality you once hoped. Its not about giving up,  but more about compromising for the sake of sanity.

I have a few recent examples of this in my own life right now and am slowly starting to realise the right thing to do is let them go, or deal with them another way.

I like to think that I don't set out to make things awkward and complex,  but it often turns out that my expectations of others involved were far too high.

Right now, this very second I am flailing like a drowning man, so close to shore,  but just out of reach, and my cries to throw a rope go unheard or ignored.

Rising above the matters dragging me down are the only way I will stay afloat,  so that is what I am trying to do. Such simple things as the decorating of the bathroom, a clerical error on a recent bill, and keeping up to date with bills is killing me from the inside now.

So at times like this I turn to yoga, p90x and any other distractions I can find.

Im so close to the finish line right now, just a few more metres.  Must stay strong!

Don't worry, I will do it myself!

So fed up have I become with the work of some of the contractors L&Q use
that I resigned myself to just accepting whatever came next.

And quite frankly that's probably a good thing. I have just spent another
day at home for a contractor to finish decorating the bathroom. Some minor
repairs and some painting, walls, skirting and window frame.

As usual the pictures are included in the blog. Needless to say, once you
have seen them you will understand that I am just going to do it myself now.

It was booked as a 4 hour job, 3 has been spent on it. Colour had to be
changed as could not be matched, but I can live with that part. As for the
rest of the job. Quite frankly SHITE! To think it was done by a
'professional ' is quite worrying to be honest.

Window frame still a mess from the plasterer skirting behind the sink still
totally unpainted, cracked chunks of plaster painted over, damage to the
wall painted over, paint on the white ceiling, sealant painted over leaving
a nasty effect, patchy coverage of new colour, and moisture bubbles already
starting to show.

So its simple, I will get the job done myself!
I previously raised the issue of compensation with L&Q and it now seems all
the more likely I will be pursuing this.

Yours sincerely
Pissed Off

A truly sad day

As this week has gone on, the end of the trip has seemed more and more daunting, until finally now the moment has arrived.
After quite a few years of trips to Wales to see relatives at different houses for many a different occasion, by train, coach and car, today sees the final return journey from a family residence. Once I board the train for London this evening I know that I will never return to Wales again to see a close relative in their home. Today marks a very sad day for me, as I walk away from 14 Willow Close, I know I will never return to it as a home ever again, and instead I will return to a vacant house to collect what remains of the families possessions, and to remove the last personal touches from the house.

Over the years, leaving the house in Florida has become harder and harder, calling an end to a holiday, and returning to the UK to the normality of day to day life is never easy, especially when the house has become almost like a second home over the years. Each time we load the car up for the last time, my heart sinks, and sadness waves over me.

But that is nothing in comparison to what I am feeling right now. I actually dont want to walk out of that door right now. I am sitting at the dining table writing this entry, with my aunts lounge behind me. Knowing that for years she would be sitting here with me, and now she is gone. Saying goodbye to someone is hard enough at the best of times, but this is a whole different level. I have spent the past 24 hours going through the house, digging out keepsakes, heirlooms, and finding some amazing memories. Deciding what I will take back to London with me, and what I can give a good honest home to, rather than keeping it for the sake of being sentimental.

As I look around the room, I can almost hear distant echos of the conversations I have had during numerous visits. Bringing various guests with me, all who added a little spice to the conversation, and kept the visits different, in the best possible way. Laughter, discussion, debate, and even deep emotional conversation, like the visit when I first broke the news to Joan that mum had cancer. The same visit where Joan told me SHE had cancer also. Tough times, but I would live them all again to not have to be doing what I am doing right now.

I can never treasure every possession that Joan and Glyn had, and look after it in the way which Joan has over the years. Nor can I take every item. Yes my home is bigger than this one, but being practical has its place. Common sense has to prevail over sentiment at times, and this is one of those times.

So Joan, I hope that my decisions meet your approval, and that I cause no offence to you or the family legacy in the decisions I have made here this week. It was my pleasure to have played such a role in the recent years of your life, and will miss you every day. As I have grown older, losing mum, other friends, and now Joan, I have slowly begun to appreciate relationships, and the time we all have together. The time we are gifted to make a difference in peoples lives before we leave. I stand tall with pride knowing that my aunt was a popular and well loved woman, who had a great live, changed the lives of many around her, and leaves a void in her passing. I hope that one day I can be one tenth the person she was, and have a similar effect when I depart.

So the clock is ticking, and the time for my train is fast approaching. The final walk of the house is done, arrangements made for the articles I will be taking to be kept until I return for them. The house has fallen silent now, and the only sound is my breathing, and each keystroke. So it feels like it is the right time to call it a day. Say farewell, and take my last glimpses at a home that holds so many dear memories for me.

I wish I could express myself a little better right now, but at this moment my thoughts are choked up.

Thank you Joan Hughes for the great memories, and the knowledge you have given me over the years.
Farewell Willow Close.....

The end of an era :(

A eulogy to Joan Hughes

So I thought now that the moment has passed, and the whole episode has been finished, I decided I would share my eulogy which read at the funeral today.

I tried for two weeks to find the right words, many attempts just seemed fake.. then this just came to me. I know very few of you will understand much of the content, but I wanted to put this online for my reference for the future.

Joan Hughes

I want to start by thanking everyone here for joining us today to remember the life of an amazing woman.

We will all have our own memories of Joan in so many different capacities, from a close and dear friend, aunty, neighbour and maybe even to her role as a civil servant of which she was so proud. A role that would go on to truly structure her life, and make Joan without a doubt one of the most organised and structured people I have had the pleasure of knowing. Sadly this wasn’t a quality that rubbed off on me.

Memories time spent with Joan go back as far as I can remember, our times at Northop Hall when mum, Joans sister would bring me and MY sister up for the summer holidays and Christmas. It was during these holiday visits that I first experienced something that anyone who dined with Joan would have known of her ability to cut bread almost paper thin, a sight that has stuck with me throughout life, and a feat I am yet to be able to replicate.

Each trip to Wales would always be an adventure for us, seeing exciting places, going for drives, and most memorable, time spent in Chester. Travelling to meet Joan with mum was an adventure in itself, and would always end by leaping off the train at the station and running to see Joan, always waiting with that big beautiful smile across her face standing by what ever pride and joy car she was driving at the time. Fun awaited, but it was always a surprise.

Summer holidays would see Joan take us to the city centre, and one thing was for certain lunch would be courtesy of Marks and Spencers, and would usually be taken by the canal. There we would all sit, making an awful mess of our hands faces and clothes. Maybe I should be a little clearer, by we I mean my sister and I, and not the always immaculate Joan, nor her equally proud sister, mum.

Visits to the house were memorable also, with so many things to see and do. Without a doubt, any visitor to any of Joans houses would have known one character, the little feathered friend better known as Cheeky. Always so full of song, and happy to have a flutter around the lounge while you sat there. Cheeky was another stone in Joan’s life, and brought so much companionship, joy and of course interaction with the line of ‘whos a cheeky boy then’ delivered by Joan in the hope of a reaction. Cheeky would usually oblige without

In later years, our trips to Wales became less frequent, and for a while the attachment and association was lost. But with the arrival of a driving licence, something I had wanted as far back as my memory serves, thanks to long drives with Joan and Peggy, I was able to rekindle the relationship.

My occasional trips to Wales would always result in a visit to see Joan, and usually unannounced. As I am sure Chris can testify, the welcome would always be so full of joy and happiness. Maybe I imagined that part, but im sure within the sarcasm of the welcome, Joans feelings were the same as mine. Connected, at one with someone I cared deeply about.

As an adult, conversations in later years were very varied, with curiosity and interests in things as far afield as nature and current affairs, conversations, discussions and indeed some time debates could run on for hours. Often starting out by reminiscing about distant memories of paddling in streams, running along beaches, or as I was frequently reminded, of my temper tantrums as a child. Not that I recall being anything other than angelic.

In the past few years Joan has reminded us all im sure, of who she really was. So organised and caring, making sure all around her were in good health, and taken care of. Never for a moment thinking of herself while there were still others to care for. Even over the past year or so, while trying to make a fuss of Joan, it would end up with roles being reversed, and the carer would become the cared for before you realised what was going on.

I have only touched on the very surface of who Joan Hughes was, to me at least. One thing I do know for certain is Joan was the kind of person you cant just simply forget, and I am sure her memories and stories will live on for generations yet. I am sure others here today also have some great stories to tell, and I look forwards to hearing some of those.

For now though, I rest peacefully knowing that Joan is back with her family, her two dear sisters Mary and Ann, and her mother and father Mary and John Lunt. The 3 sisters from Tan Lan are finally reunited, but their memories will live on with us all for many years to come.

This time next week

In short, this time next week it will all be over. The planning has come to an end right now, so it's just waiting on Tues 12th to come around.

I am of course talking about the funeral of my late aunt Joan Hughes. With so much already planned by her, it seemed there was very little to do, but looks can be deceiving to say the least.

But with everything from timing to flowers planned now, it's just travel and legalities left, as well as the eulogy which I am still left to do. I have drafted it a few times now but nothing I am happy has come out of my head yet. Plenty of time yet, I think 

I travel up on the train on Monday then meet with the solicitor, then off to pick up a hire car. Oh a hire car, it's been a while since I had one of those haha.

After the service there are some formalities of course, but then it's time to relax for a day or two, much needed I might add.

Looking forwards to the train journey there though, well priced and faster than a car, so makes sense to me. I think it works out cheaper to get a train then hire a car, than it does to pay for petrol on the drive up.

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Formality and a eulogy

I have returned to Wales after the passing of my Aunt Joan,to pay my respects, offer my thanks, and to deal with some of the formalities of the matter. As previously agreed between myself, Chris the carer and her husband Dyfrig who is both an undertaker and an executor of the will.

So first things first, its Monday morning, first working day since Joan left us on Sat 23rd. Todays agenda is as follows. Get the medical certificate from the home and make arrangements with the Registry office in Llandudno to officially register the death, and get the numerous copies of the certificate that everyone seems to want a GENUINE copy of. I know the appointment in London took a few days to arrange for mum, so not sure what the availability will be here.
Shortly after typing this I made the call, and made an appointment, 1.30 this afternoon it will be 'official'.

After that is arranged, next up is to contact the solicitor for any legalities to be undertaken, such as the estate etc. Im not sure yet if this will be a simple phonecall or will require a meeting of sorts. I have the correct attire in case this is the case.

Once the legal stuff is out of the way, the task of getting the finishing touches to the arrangements for Joan beings, and first up is the date to be set for the funeral. Thankfully Dyfrig having insider info helps, so we can work together there to get a suitable time and date for everyone to manage. With people travelling from afar time needs to be allowed for their arrangements too. At the moment we are looking early next week for the funeral.
When the date is set, then its onto the arrangements for the day, the order of service document, getting that typeset and into print, and then the bit I am dreading the most, the eulogy.

Not sure if I am the best person to write and read such a passage as my timeline with Joan is peppered with holes and gaps. But I will sure give it a good go, and will start to write something this afternoon, once I have got a rough idea of what goes. I always imagine them to be almost like a best man speech, not that I have done one of those either but you know what I mean.  I have plenty of stories to tell and memories to share, some going back to single digit ages for me. I am sure I will find the right words and format when the mood takes. Then there is delivering it.... eeek!

I know a lot of the plan is all in place, everything is paid for, the arrangements for coffin, flowers etc are all as Joan wished, and were organised by her over 2 years ago when she first knew she had terminal cancer. So in a funny way, thank you Joan for being so organised, and saving everyone the stress of getting things right or wrong. We shall not worry as we know your choices are as you wished.

Again, in between typing, we have got a date set for the funeral now, which is Tues 12th March. That seems an eternity away to me, but I have to respect the wishes of others involved, and to allow for the movement of people. So thats that for now.

Back later with lots more to say, and maybe even get started on a eulogy.

Have a good day.

Lunt's Reunited

It's a strange day today. With the 23rd Fed marking what would have been mums 75th birthday, and now it also marks the passing of my Aunt Joan. Something said all along that to say would be the right day to go, if there is such a thing.

 For the spiritual out there it is a beautiful thing that Mary, Ann and now Joan Lunt are together upstairs now for the celebration of mums birthday, and their time here with us. Looking down and seeing the differences they have made in so many people's lives, including us the family. 

For those not sharing such views, it is a lovely day for me to remember forever. Two huge occasions on my calender of life, the birth of a great woman, my mother, and the passing of her bigger sister. Someone I have turned to over recent years for friendship, company, guidance and the occasional reality check here and there. 

However you see the day, it is a day I will remember forever, and am happy and my mind at rest knowing the suffering is over, the pain is gone, and Joan would be pleased that she is not a burden, something that bothered her deeply.

So as I write this, I am on the train platform heading to Innocence Needle to get mums tribute piece finished on this carefully chosen day. Started on the anniversary of her passing, finished on the day of her birth, and now Joans passing. Maybe a fitting time to get a little scratch to get Joans piece under way too? 

Right that's me. 

Rest In Peace aunty Joan. With me forever for sure. Say hi to the girls for me. 

X

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Loyalty goes a long way

My aunt's carer bless her. She is far from young and spritely herself, and at 65 her health is far from great. But as a long time friend of my aunt, and subsequently her carer for the past 2 and a half years, she is committed to keeping her promise to Joan, and refuses to leave her side.
A few months ago, during a tearful conversation, Joan asked Chris if she would stay with her when the time came, so she would not be alone. She didn't want family there, or to see her once she has passed, but wanted someone close to be there. Chris of course agreed.
This was of course before the need arose for her to go into a home, and from this point Chris has struggled a little and feels she has broken her promise to Joan to keep her at home to let the last days be spent there. Obviously, practicality takes priority, and the best care and pain relief Joan can have is right there at Highcroft. So it is only fitting that this is where her last days are spent. Im sure if she was able to talk, she would be like mum was at this point, and agree that she is happy and comfortable right there.

Having spoken to the nursing home and Chris's husband this afternoon, I have been informed that she is still with us, but the pain levels are increasing now, and so with it, the morphine increases too. The more that goes in, the less aware Joan will be of things around her, let alone aware of the pain. Which is probably a good thing now. Its never nice thinking about these things, but having been on some hardcore pain meds I know first hand that you get to the point of really not caring about anything else.
Of course, as the dose increases, so do the chances of complications, usually with breathing. On morphine a few years back I remember being put on oxygen because my SATs were falling, so for someone with other things going on, its a complication that is know to gently bring things to an end.

The next step of course is to plan ahead, and get my mind in the right place for what comes next. I have had detailed conversations with Chris and her husband about these arrangements, and we think we have all angles covered. Plans for travelling, staying, and dealing with legalities etc are all taken care of for when the time comes. No drama, no surprises, just smooth as silk, just as Joan would have done herself. Very organised you see.

In my mind I know how it all goes from this point one, just a few loose ends to tie up. For example, a eulogy. It was suggested the other evening over dinner that maybe I would like to do the eulogy. My thoughts on this are mixed, I have plenty to say, and could easily do her proud, but at the same time my time spent with Joan is dwarfed by some other peoples. I have memories stretching right back to childhood, and am indeed the eldest male of this bloodline of the family, so its only right. But I am happy to give way to anyone who has spent more adult times with Joan, and has more memories.

After the service, and all formalities are out of the way, the next thing to plan is the scattering of the ashes. Forgive my bluntness about these matters, but I just say what I see.
This matter is a little more complex. A few months before mum left us, her and Joan spoke about their wishes for their ashes. With Joan saying she wanted to be scattered at sea, she made arrangements with a local yacht charter company this one to make a reservation for 12 people to join her on her final voyage out to sea, somewhere she loved to be. Obviously the dates were not set, but on mum hearing this, she decided she would like to join her on this voyage, and so it was agreed.
Now the time gets closer, there are certain matters that need to be considered, such as who will be able to make the date (once it is set) and who will actually be able to make the voyage. A multitude of complications such as age and sea legs will have baring on the guests aboard the yacht in the end. Something that needs considering when the time arrives.

I have to confess this is one occasion that will feel awkward for me, with many family and friends who I have not seen for decades, as well as other more distant family members from her husbands side whom I have yet to meet. Hopefully all will run smoothly, with no issues arising. But we all know how the passing of a loved one can bring out the worst in people, for both emotional and greed reasons.

Anyway, thats something to be tackled when the time arrives.

For now I shall finish up by saying thank you to Chris and her husband for all the amazing work they have done for my lovely aunt Joan over all this time. And hope that Chris is getting some rest, and also thank you for taking care of me during my recent visit. I hope in some way I can one day return the favour, and show my true appreciation. Saying I look forward to seeing them again probably sounds a little wrong, as we all know what the next time I see them will be. But somehow I feel like my attachment to Wales has been renewed, and I have something to continue going back for. The legacy of my family in Wales lives on yet :)

Timing

It was always going to be the case that as soon as I came home from Wales things would progress, and sure enough after getting home I called Chris, Joan's carer and her husband informed she was at the home with Joan as she had taken a turn and things were moving fast now. 

I spent last night waiting for the phone to ring but it didn't. Instead this morning I have called Chris and got no answer, and called the home and been asked to call back in 30 mins. Without jumping the gun, it points to things having moved on more. As I sit on the train to work I wonder if I will be walking through the park to work, or getting on a train and heading back home to get ready to travel to Wales. Time will tell.

I shall call back after the requested time and see what is what.

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Another lovely day in Wales

All things considered anyway. Just back at the nursing home to visit my aunt. She has slept well, eaten a little breakfast and drunk a little bit of fluids.

It's funny, as I'm sitting here I can here the Jeremy Kyle show in the background, and that makes me realise how trivial my worries and problems really are, there are people out there with far more serious issues, like who of 6 men is their child's father. I jest of course. Shameful display if you ask me.

Joan is sleeping right now, as much as I want to chat and interact, I nice to just see her rest like this, snoring and all (yes I know I'm cruel) . I know she has been jn quite a bit of pain recently, so the more she js asleep, the less she well be aware of the pain and discomfort. 

Obviously the lack of food and drink is not helping with things, but then if it is not what she wants, and if eating and drinking causes discomfort, then there is a balance to be found. 

They have also stopped all other medication now and are just focusing on pain management which jn turn can cause it's own small issues. They do of course know what they are doing, and the staff are great. 

Each time I arrive for a visit I am greeted by someone who recognises me, welcomed warmly and given a brief update of how things have been since my last visit. They always have time to discuss matters further should the need arise.

As I write this glowing review of how the staff are here, I have just been joined by 2 members of staff who are going to make Joan comfortable. Not happy to separate us they said they will come back later, but I have excused myself. So I'm in the hallway now.

My only little moan would be the noise in the hallway of other guests tv's, but that's to be expected really and isn't causing any issues for Joan. In fact the background noise is probably more a help than anything else, soothing and breaking the deadly silence that would otherwise be.

So I shall break from my entry now and get back to the visit once they have finished in there. 

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